A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi all,I posted on here before about moving in with my bf and how my mother and stepfather are dependent on me. Well, I made up my mind that I was going to move in with my boyfriend regardless and start planning on our dreams. Come to find out yesterday, my stepfather will not be able to work for FIVE months. AND they're about to close on the house which is about $1600 a month. I feel bad that he's unable to work but at the same time, I'm so angry. I had warned them both about this. They have absolutely no savings to carry them through even a month! I told them to WAIT before buying a home. But he kept complaining about the apartment we lived in-never mind that I was sleeping on a couch with no privacy and he and my mother were comfortably settled in their room. But with finances the way they were, I accepted it. At least we weren't homeless! I'm supposed to start going to college again in two months and now, it looks like I'll have to get another job. I've been through this before at 19, I was working three jobs (full-time, part-time and on-call) to help out. This was before my mom got married to my stepfather and she had to have surgery. I didn't mind but it stopped me cold for going to school. I feel so suffocated. It seems like every time I try to make moves for my life, I get stopped. I'm being selfish, I know. But I'm so upset. I really want to go to school and start my career. My mother listens to my stepfather more than she does me and I never wanted to move in with them. I just want to drop everything and leave them to it. For the first time in my life, I'm happy with a man. My boyfriend is my biggest supporter, my best friend and I love him more than I ever thought I could love someone. He drove to my college with me (an hour from where he lives) to help me through registration and understanding financial aid. He's asked me every day about my studying and helps me through whatever I don't understand. I feel so trapped. He's wonderful and no way can I have him take on my baggage. I love my mom but I resent this so much. She nags about going back to school cause I'm too smart etc but then, I feel like she doesn't get that she holds me back. She cried once when I admitted that I sometimes, I felt I couldn't depend on her. She blamed my father for leaving us and yes, he is to blame cause things would have been better with him. But he's passed away and before he did, he did make sure he left us funds to better our lives, he did let us know he loved us and was so sorry. He was human. I miss him despite everything. Please, help me figure out a way to get over my anger. I'm being selfish and I need to stop. Advise me on how I can keep my boyfriend through all this. He tells me he'll be here for me but he's young and full of life, how can he make it work with a girl who will always be working? I only see him twice a week as it is. Please help me, I feel so suffocated.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 April 2016):
 If you aren’t completely aware of your financial obligations and rights with regards to a mortgage you seem to have agreed to then you need some legal help.
Contact the “mortgage” person tonight and ask all these questions. Ask him or her permission to record the conversation, if he/she refuses then take good notes and ask lots of questions.
A simple google search provided lots of pertinent information.
Contact your bank tomorrow and ask for help in navigating these apparently serpent-filled waters.
You’d have been asked for W-2s and bank statements and all sorts of personal financial information. Google “how do I get a mortgage” and there will be many guides helping people through the process.
If you weren’t asked for any of these details and documents then you aren’t on the mortgage.
The thing that strikes me is that you should know if you have agreed to a mortgage or not. It’s not like it can happen without you being aware of it.
You’re either financially responsible for the mortgage or you are not. There’s not a lot of wiggle room in there.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 April 2016):
You “met with the mortgage.” What else happened during the mortgage approval process?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2016): Hi Tisha, yes I met with the mortgage. But with what you're saying, I honestly feel a bit sick with worry. Just got off the phone with my mother and though she hasn't closed on the house, she's saying she'll lose her deposit and ruin her credit. Tisha, do you know if I can take my name off at all??
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 April 2016):
Go into your personal bank tomorrow and ask to speak with a financial planner ASAP. ASAP! Something is very OFF in this equation.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 April 2016):
If your mother can’t qualify with a mortgage without you then she’s not qualified to purchase a home at this point in time.
Your credit could be WRECKED for years to come if the home is foreclosed on with your name on the mortgage. You have signed up for something you don’t seem to understand very well.
There is something VERY wrong with this financial plan you seem to be sucked into and if your name is on any financial documents then you need to do the homework!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 April 2016):
Wait. So YOU are the wage-earner on the mortgage?
WHOA.
Brakes on.
“It was promised that my name would be taken off once there was a refinance.”
No, no no nononononoononono.
This is a recipe for financial disaster for you. YOU are buying the house, from what you report. The money your father left and the refund from last year’s income tax is the down-payment?
Did you meet with the mortgage lender? Did you actually meet this person?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2016): Hi, I'm the original poster. Hi Ti-Sha, my father left some money and my mother's income tax from the previous year is what is being used for the down-payment. I am a co-signer...It was promised that my name would be taken off once there was a refinance. Hi Mintrablooms, my bf knows and he says the same. He's upset at the whole thing because he feels they've asked for too much and rely on me for too much. Hi Honeypie, I have talked to my mom and she doesn't seem to really hear me. I love her and she is a good person who's been dealt bad hands but right now, she's focused on getting this house and that's it. She works, my stepfather can't for five months...or more. My boyfriend leaves his dorm in July and we made plans to move in at that time. I told my mother beforehand that this would happen.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 April 2016):
How did they even qualify for a home loan? That’s crazy! I know a mortgage broker and they are very picky about qualifying applicants anymore. Unless they put you on the mortgage and you are the one legally liable for paying for the house? None of this makes sense. I wonder if they have told you a lie about buying the house to keep you from moving out.
You’re not being selfish, you have been working for years to help them through their financial difficulties. It’s time they figure it out themselves.
Once you are out of the apartment, there will be plenty of room for them to live comfortably.
None of this financial stuff makes logical sense. If they are this strapped, no savings, no income, how the hell did they qualify for a mortgage. Not gonna happen in this market.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (26 April 2016):
 I don't think you are being entirely selfish here.
I can see that you love your mom and feel obligated to help them out, but for them to EXPECT that you will carry a $1,600 a month mortgage which they OBVIOUSLY can't afford is ridiculous of them.
Maybe what they REALLY need to do is FIND somewhere they can AFFORD and NOT close the deal on the house. $1,600 a month is a LOT. Specially if you have none.
And maybe YOU DO need to move out, to stop enabling your mom and stepdad in their various schemes. THEY are the adults! They NEED to take responsibility for their choices and actions. For them to BUY a house because they COUNT on you to pitch in, it's unrealistic.
I know I'd do ANYTHING to help out my parents, but they have NEVER been so financially irresponsible as YOUR mom/stepdad.
I think you NEED to sit them down and lay out YOUR plan for YOUR life. Or before you know it you will be in your 40's taking CARE of them still.
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A
female
reader, mintrablooms +, writes (26 April 2016):
You aren't even remotely in the REALM of being selfish. I think it's terrible they both made you feel like you were. Let them deal with their own problems so they'll be forced to act like ADULTS for once.
Have you told your bf about your problems? I'm sure he'd agree with me.
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