A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:HiyaI could do with some advice before my problem spirals out of control again. Me and my partner have been together nearly 3 years. He has kids from a previous relationship. We have all got along brilliantly and I love them to bits. Going to cut a long story short if I can...I work for Social Services with children, very stressful job and incredibly upsetting at times. My partner then started having trouble with his ex and the children were being affected - I found it very stressful going to work everyday, then dealing with it at home. In the end, I ended up leaving because I was trying to do everything (I want kids, was saving money, running the house etc and he did not understand how I felt). Now I am not bad mouthing my partner, he is a kind, decent man, but just a bit lazy and did not have a back bone with his ex..! 6 months on, my partner told me the situation changed. He had not seen the kids in 3 months so took his ex to court, which worked for him. He has got his own place, started savings account etc. However, since my ex has got the court order, the usual bickering has started again. He is coming to me to ask what he should say to his ex etc...my problem is, is that I feel we can slip back again...his ex texted him today about the kids, and he was on the phone to me straight after saying "she said this and I said that"...I find it stupid and pathetic that two people can't not get along for the sake of the little ones. I told him I wanted him to tell me everything, but this was due to the fact that when we were not together, he told me know one knew about our split, but then I found out he had confided in a friend/ex from years and years ago. In the past aswell, he has kept things from me so this is why I was annoyed. I am annoyed, because his family have inherited this "gossip" behaviour which affects me..he is confused because I have told him I like him to be honest with me, but I don't want to know every little detail. I also hate it when he seeks support over silly things to do with the children, such as "do you think I should go to dancing/football". Its like I am a tower of strength for him, but at the same time, it takes a lot of energy out of me. Can anyone give me advice on how to handle this situation? I don't want my man to bring me into every conversation, the insignificant details and for him to question himself and come to me every time he needs to.He still does not seem to understand that my thinking is different to his. It is a real shame when parents act like teenagers and can't get along. Is this what my life is going to be like? I am getting old aswell and would like to have children myself..Thanks
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2014): Thank you for giving me advice. I thought the court process might have made him stronger, but it hasn't. Yes, I do agree, I am more like a mother then a partner.
Got some thinking to do!
Thanks again..
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2014): Sounds like a clean cut case of incompatibility, OP. With all due respect to him he treats you more like a mommy than a partner OP.
In your professional capacity you surely know the thing with his ex can last a life time. I have a few single mother friends and one of them has a child of 10 years old, all through those 10 years it's been bickering, fighting, court cases and they still just cannot agree on anything and get very petty about minor details. It is a shame when that happens OP but in a sense it's a bit understandable, I mean most people don't really like their ex, imagine having to be stuck dealing with that person for the rest of your life. It's easy to see why it happens.
"Is this what my life is going to be like?"
Yeah it is. I mean sure they might reach a state where they can be civil and stuff but you're always going to have the spectre of that changing at the drop of a hat through your entire relationship. Plus it's been three years OP and he still hasn't figured out what is and is not suitable topics for confiding in you. He comes across as bit whiny about the whole thing when he should just get on with it and keep you protected from it.
One of my exs had trouble with the father of her child while we were together but she kept me out of it. She worked on the basis that she wanted to protect what we had from the pettiness of the situation with her ex, he had no business in our relationship and she didn't want what was happening to be put on me, she rightly predicted it would become too much and I'd walk. I was her new guy and her escape from all that crap. She didn't keep everything from me of course, I had no problem giving her advice if needed but I was lucky in that she was head strong, fiercely independent and intelligent so she'd only ever really bounce an idea off me for an opinion but would already know what she's going to do.
This guy has too much baggage and instead of learning to carry the load he's expecting you to carry a lot of it and from the sounds of things he's doing it again. Instead of keeping you apart from this emotionally he's relying on you too much, it does sound too much like a mother/son dynamic OP and it really does sound like you and he are just on different wavelengths on what really is a core issue and the very foundation of your relationship. To me it's just incompatibility, if you and he haven't gotten to the point where you move together in the same direction after 3 years then I don't see how that will ever change. You can't live your life on the basis of what happens between him and his ex, he should have been able to keep you nicely separated from that but he hasn't and you not only have to deal with this all day at work but you're then 'on the clock' when you go home too?
That would be like me going from teaching all day only to come home in the evenings and have to homeschool my kids too. Talk about a nightmare. You say he treats you like a "Tower of strength" when it's more "mother". The guy can't even decide on his own whether to do minor things.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (9 January 2014):
 I think that is HOW they act. And yes, I think THAT is going to be your life if you don't somehow get THROUGH to him that HE NEEDS to work it out with the ex.
He is asking you for advice because let's face out of the 3 of you (him, his ex and you) YOU have by far more expertise then they do. What I would do though is sit him down when it's JUST the two of you and explain how it makes you feel.
It might be a matter of him wanting you involved, but since you called him lazy, my guess is he wants YOU to be the responsible one, to make the choices.
I would suggest he and the ex find a mediator of some sort and try and work out how to run it efficiently. Because they DO need help.
It sounds like a relationship that takes a LOT of work.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (9 January 2014):
This is classic as a case of crossed wires: your man thinks he’s doing the right thing asking your input on what he should do, and telling you everything, because he’s worried you’ll feel insecure or unhappy about him having any kind of relationship with his ex. He’s trying to keep you involved because he thinks that is what you need to be comfortable with this situation.
In fact, you accept he has an ex, who, as mother to his children, will always have a part in his life. You want him to get on and be civil to her, and this situation is making you more, not less happy.
I think you need to find time alone together to talk, explain to him how you feel. Tell him that your work is often emotionally exhausting and that although you fully support him, you need him to feel free to make decisions for himself about such matters as whether to go to this, or to do that, with his kids. You care for his kids, and support his need for quality time with them. Tell him you don’t need to know every time he and the ex have an exchange, and that you trust him. Assure him he’s doing the right thing spending as much time as he can with his children and that you respect this, but you have to take a bit of a step back.
I think once you’ve aired those feelings this will seem a lot better. You’ll be able to see that he means well, and maybe it’s what he needs to hear from you too, to let go of a sense that involving you means seeking your input on every minute detail of his family life. He knows his ex will always be in the picture, perhaps because of how much he thinks of you, it’s him that struggles to be comfortable with that. But, additionally, if you can take a step back and tell him to make his own decision next time he wants you to tell him what to do or get involved in a trivial matter, that will encourage him to get used to it.
I wish you all the very best.
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