A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Do I say something?I'm 40 years old. I'm divorced. I have 2 awesome kids, and despite being single, I am relatively happy.When I was young and dumb (15) I fell for the 'love of my life' hard. I was consumed with her. I had seriously intense feelings of 'love' for her. Of course she dumped me! Never again did I allow myself to feel that way toward someone. Not even my Ex-wife. Sure I get attracted to people, but never again did I ever have that "this is the one" type infatuation with someone. I have high standards, and I pretty much believe the perfect woman for me is a mental construct and not someone who could actually exist in the real world. Until now. After 25 years, the same stupid feeling I had when I was 15 is back for someone. A perfect angel (of course). She is married, my thoughts are consumed. This is ridiculous, if you knew what a stiff I've become you wouldn't believe my passion is so inflamed. She is very friendly to me, our kids go to school together. She is constantly smiling at me, and recently gave me 'the look'. I am not one to ruin marriages. But I have intense passion for this woman. I would not act on my desire for her while she is happily married. Well maybe if I was cornered. haha My question is simple. Do I tell her? Or do I just keep it a secret, and 'look' back, with an approving smile. I have no idea how great her marriage is, I assume, based on her demeanor, she is a very happy person.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2011): You know, I would have been happy to maintain a friendship from this. I always welcome a new friendship, and I cherish each friend I make. But in all my years, I have never looked more forward to having a friend, than I did toward this woman. I really could care less at this point whether or not romance was realized from it. She is just the kind of person you want to be around. We spent an hour together with our kids, she invited me to her home for a party with her whole family, and I could not bare to meet her husband and look him in the eye. This sense of bullsh** honesty I have would not allow me to continue this without full disclosure. I hinted, softly to her why I did not want to come. (No, I did not profess undying love) and I don't think I will ever hear from her again. Its funny how doing what you think is the right thing, bites you in the a$$. I could have kept it a secret, but it didn't feel right, or fair to her. Now, I have not heard from her since. And I chased away the one person I wanted as a friend, more than any other. Our relationships define us. Success in this life is measured by our friendships, not our fortunes. I'll sleep in relative luxury tonight, secure in knowing, where it matters, I've failed, time and again. I only pray it's a trait that isn't inheritable. Thank you all for your comments.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2011): If you are sure she has your email address, she may contact you to get together over ther summer with the kids.
It is unfortunate that you were both not able to exchange contact information before school ended. It would have made things a little easier. Is there any way you could get her email address through the same third party that gave her your email address? This might be your best bet.
I think email correspondance is the best way to go. Hopefully it is her own account, not a shared one. I can see your point of feeling uneasy about calling her at home, given that her husband could answer the phone and another man is asking for his wife. Pretty awkward. But if this was the only way to contact her, you might have to do it. If you know her husband works during the day, you can call when he is not at home. Is she a stay at home mom?
Honestly, I believe when there is a will, there is a way. If your heart feels this strongly about her, you must not let the opportunity pass you by. It's okay if you did not get it right the first time. You are always able to try again. And if she has asked you out with the kids, it shows that she is interested. You must now reciprocate and find out where this will lead you.
Hope this helps.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2011): Thanks for the update. I've gone back and forth on this. For awhile I was convinced I shouldn't say anything. But then she asked me to do some things with her this summer 'with the kids' which made me think she might be struggling with some questions of her own. We didn't exchange contact info when school got out, even though we both said we wanted too. It was like, neither of us could bring ourselves to do that. So I sent my e-mail address to her through a third party. I have her home phone number, but I am not sure I should call her there. Our kids will not attend school together next year. Anyway, so as I sit here in misery this summer, I've gone back and read these comments. I think you are right. I certainly don't want to have an affair with her, but I should tell her. The question now is, will I have that opportunity.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2011): Hello OP.
Nice to hear from you again. I answered your question at length yesterday but somehow my original answer did not show up... So, I will answer it again.
I am still friendly with the married man I have strong feelings for. It has been an up and down ride. But I am an adult and I am well aware of the circumstances and possible consequences of this involvement as we are both married. I never chose to be in this situation but the reality is that I am. I am trying not to let my feelings get the best of me but I have had some weak moments along the way. I do not hate him or resent him. I fully understand the situation. I just wish that we could have more time together.
I have asked him out but he had to cancel due to an engagement he forgot about and says he will reschedule. The ball is now in his court to see if he will reschedule. I have started the ball rolling and now I must wait for him to say something. I will not ask him again. If he is interested, he will reschedule.
My philosophy is that I have tried and I can live with myself because at least soon I will know whether there is hope or whether I will need to use the summer to let him go. I just could not let an opportunity slip away without really knowing. What if there is something really there? There are too many what if's and life is just too short to sit on the fence and second guess your every move. I guess we all have different philosophies and ways of approaching things. Mine has been to go for it but in a way that is casual and not obvious. I am confident enough to try and if I get rejected, I am confident enough to handle it. You are simply fact finding. Simply put, if his marriage is okay, he will not move forward. But at least I will not have any regrets because I have tried and I will soon have my resolution.
Maybe you can find out where your lady friend hangs out over the summer with her kids. Maybe your kids can play together? Do you have any mutual friends? If you live in the same neighbourhood, you might run into her. Are you on Facebook? Is she? There is nothing wrong with a friendship with the person. If you have this foundation, you will be able to figure out if there is something more to your friendship. If you do nothing, you will never know. If she is happily married and you can handle being her friend despite the attraction, you can continue doing so. Because your children go to school together and chances are you will know each other for many more years. If you cannot be with them, having them as a friend is a great option because friendships can many times lead to more. I am not saying get in there and try to break up her marriage. But there is nothing wrong with being her friend provided you do not cross any lines if she is happy. It might be hard though with the feelings you have but it can be done. Just try to enjoy her frienship and show her what a great guy you are. I think if you are able to control your feelings more and just enjoy it for what it is and not feel so intense and emotional about it, you will be able to handle it better. It is all about attitude. What do you think?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2011): Married woman, what of your plight? Has anything changed with you? I'm still losing my mind, and I am starting to see the purpose and wisdom of your advice. Although now that school is out, I may have missed my opportunity.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2011): I agree with you maverick. I've already come to the same conclusion as you as far as the respect/affair thing goes. There have been some bizarre developments that have changed my options. I am in wait and see mode. I've read a ton of forums over the past few days and I can't find one instance where someone had these feelings, even if they were mutual, and they turned out for the best. It seems to be a disaster in every post I've read.
I would never pursue her, but if I came across information that her marriage was on its way out, I'd probably choose to maintain a friendship. If I find otherwise, I think i might have to steer clear of her, as I can hardly breathe in her presence. Until a few days ago, I didn't think discovering this was an option. Funny how life works. You just put it in God's hands and wait. Thank you for your input. It is very helpful. -op
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2011): "...The biggest problem for me is that I met his wife and child, and they're both so nice I could never for the life of me hurt them. Even if he does have feelings for me, it would never sit right with me because I'd be tearing a family apart...."
Aaaahhhhh Maverick: these words are golden!
LoveGirl
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reader, maverick494 +, writes (9 May 2011):
Thought I'd offer some insight from another perspective.
I've been in a situation where I fell head over heels for a married man (with kid) and I chose not to tell him. Hardest thing I ever did, because I still see him often (same sport) and when I see him I still get that feeling.
Sometimes I thought he gave me "the look" as you call it but that could have just as easily been my imagination fooling me.
A few weeks ago, he picked me up (and a couple of other guys) to go to a sport convention. It took everything I had not to cave and make a move when he'd dropped everyone off and we were alone.
The biggest problem for me is that I met his wife and child, and they're both so nice I could never for the life of me hurt them. Even if he does have feelings for me, it would never sit right with me because I'd be tearing a family apart. A person can fall in love with more than one person at the same time, I'm convinced of that. But in the end it's all about the choices you make and if he would choose me over his family I'd lose respect for him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2011): Beyond the Police album, have any of you ever heard of or read on Synchronicity? It really is complicating this situation.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2011): OP, I am the married woman. I want you to know that you are doing the right thing by telling this woman. Don't be afraid. Let the truth and what is in your heart guide you. Do not force it. You will know when the moment is right and you will know the right words to say. I wish you all the best. : ) Please keep us posted...
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2011): Lovegirl,
I see your mission and its a noble one. If you are an attorney, perhaps you should switch to family law. I'd say you would probably be one of the better ones if you were trying to preserve marriages.
I thought you were implying evil because of your mention of Pandora's box, perhaps a bit too literal of an interpretation on my part.
I appreciate your thoughts. I don't necessarily disagree, but I also have to try to put some kind of balance to this. I've prayed hard on it and the best feedback I can interpret is that I have to say something. There is a purpose here, and I don't believe it to be the destruction of a marriage, an affair, or anything of the kind. I have to follow my gut on this. 90% of the time, my gut is pointing toward saying something. I think I'm just waiting for my gut to get that up to 100.
And thank you for the compliment. Unfortunately that bit about nice guys...
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2011): Op, I am baffled when you use the word 'evil" . Have I told you that you are evil or that you have "evil" intentions? i will apologise for you taking offence to my response though.
And to answer you : No i have not been hurt through infidelity. My hb and myself will be celebrating 20 years of marriage this year. Bed of roses?? No way - issues and complications, misunderstandings and sometimes hurt feelings and yes, fights. ups and downs of married life. bloody hard work, i tell you! sometimes love that man to bits, other times, just want to murder him!!!!
i am a professional, in the legal industry, whose main job is to keep businesses in business. i work in a pre dominated male industry where sometimes, if not careful, it can consume you. Too many times people get caught up with this type of lifestyle. i have access to many divorce/seperation ordeals and speaking from experience, this is just a killer. human beings really do hurt each other and sometimes, just looking at some of the files I come across, i wish someone intervened and put a stop to the emotional nightmare and financial nightmare these clients face, prior to the divorce/ life changing situation.
You are right, we all do have choices and when we make a choice we should ask ourselves: will this choice hurt anyone else, will my choice destroy any lives, will my choice alter someones life, either for the good or the bad, will my choice make me a better person? can i live with my choice.I know you do not agree and I respect this but i firmly believe that sometimes, some things are best left unsaid.
I see the mess people make of their choices and sadly it is too late when they finally realise it. I am not saying that in your situation this will be the outcome but I have dealt with so many clients who tell me, 'if only i did not.........'
I had to deal with a situation (ad hoc) recently where i was out of my comfort zone. i had to put away my personal feelings and tried my utmost to be impartial knowing full well the consequences of the case. Trust me, not a good place to be.
OP i wish you well and God speed in your future. Take Care OP and remain true to yourself. I have read your responses again and you have excellent character. (that's a compliment by the way!!!!!!)
LoveGirl
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2011): LoveGirl,You are losing cred with me. Have i thought of this? I can't sleep sweetie. I've thought of little else. See my prior responses to see how I'll deal with life's complications.As for Pandora and her box, passion or love or whatever you want to call it is not evil. Evil occurs when you misuse it or abuse it, or manipulate it. People are free to make choices. Some choose the high road, some the low, many are happy to be given a choice. Complicating someone on how they have touched your life, is not evil. Expecting them to change theirs, is. Seduction would be evil in this situation, self expression, not so much. Forgive me for noticing, but you strike me as someone who may have been hurt by infidelity. I hope that's not true. But if it is, I am sorry that happened to you. I've already stated my position on that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2011): OP if/when you tell her that you are 'madly in love with her' and she reciprocates then what? Have you thought of this?
Then it perhaps won't be closure but just opening a can of worms/Pandora's box?
Life is complicated isn't it?
LoveGirl
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2011): Lovegirl,
I would never have an affair with this woman. But I am close to deciding to say something to her. I really do need some kind of closure to this. I'm losing my mind. I can't get any work done.
Regret is a serious thing to consider.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2011): I am the married woman. And with all due respect, you don't know me, LoveGirl. So therefore you cannot judge me. Looking at your other posts, you do seem to be quite a judgmental person so your comments are hardly surprising. For the record, I have never had an affair with this man. He was never my lover. We had an emotional connection and despite this, I have remained friends with him without crossing any lines. Trust me, if I wanted to, I could have pursued him and I could have had him. But I chose not to.Nor did I ever advocate for the OP to have an affair. If you read my comments, you would know this.In the end, it is the OP's decision. What I am trying to do is open his eyes to other possibilities as he did ask for other opinions and I have every right to express mine, whether you agree with it or not. Not everybody is happily married. The bottom line is he is not destroying a marriage or having an affair. He is only telling her how he feels. If she has feelings for him, she will reciprocate and it would be her decision to do so. And if she did, it would mean her marriage was not working anyway and would not work long term. If she doesn't share his feelings, at the very lesat she will be flattered. And he will have his peace of mind. In the end, it is the OP's decision to make. Hopefully he will be able to live with his choice and have no regrets.And just to let you know, decent and basically good people can fall in love with a married person. You cannot tell your heart what to feel...
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2011): OP you have been given some so called soul searching advice to pursue this married woman by another married woman who is having an affair and who just got dumped by her lover.In all honesty you seem like a decent caring man, why would you even contemplate taking this 'valuable' advice. Helping to Destroy a marriage/ and an affair???If you do decide to heed the heartfelt advice then you stoop just as low as the advice giver. Sorry to be harsh but a deliberate plan of action to cause havoc and pain and betrayal is NOT your core character attributes. It may work for others, but OP this trait is not you. You are decent and basically good. Just my thoughts OP: this married woman is best left alone.LoveGirl
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2011): Hi OP. I am the married woman again. Thank you for your kind words of encouragement. I have been drowning in tears the past few days and just when I don't think I have any more tears to cry, somehow more manage to come out. I am A COMPLETE EMOTIONAL MESS and cannot describe how much agony I am feeling in my heart. I want more than anything to be with this man.
Since my husband is my one and only, I have never in my life been through heart break, until this man came along. It sure is crazy if you think about it. One would think that if I was to experience hearbreak at this stage in life, it would have been with my husband, not some other man! I have to see this man everyday as well and I am struggling on how to deal with him when I do see him again. I have completely distanced myself to heal myself from the pain but I know I will eventually have to see him again. He did not tell me in so many words that he wants to end things. I am guessing this because he did not want to come and talk to me so I really don't know for sure. But I am taking this as a signal that he is ending whatever it was we had. It is tough because I don't know if this was his true intention or if there was another reason - maybe nothing to do with me - that he was avoiding me at the time. But maybe it is best that I interpret it as he is no longer interested. I suppose if he really was he would seek me out. I should just let it be. If he really cares, he will find me. I truly feel your pain and I am terribly sorry good and decent people like us have to go through such horrible suffering. I would not wish this on anyone.
OP, I would like to advise you on your situation. You don't have to listen to me. It is your choice what you decide to do but I would like to give you another perspective if you allow me. I will give you my perspective as a married woman who would give anything if this other man (married or divorced like you) would have come to me and stated his true feelings. I am in an unhappy marriage and perhaps she may be like me and also be in an unhappy marriage. Not everybody is happily married. She is not pursuing you because she perhaps is used to men doing the pursuing. She may find the situation complicated because you are both parents with children at the same school so she is holding back. She may be afraid to give in to her feelings because she is married or she may feel she may be acting inappropriately if she starts to follow through on her possible feelings. She may be waiting for you to make a move. Or you could be misreading her signals. Getting to know her better and speaking with her one on one is key to reading the signals properly.
You seem like a very good person, one who has his morals and values in the right place. You are clearly a wonderful father to your children. Your intentions are without a doubt absolutely respectable and admirable. But, at the end of the day, if you feel this strongly about this woman, should you not give it your all and take a giant leap of faith? Because this situation is eating you up inside and it is not going to get any better. Trust me. Being around her all the time will only make your feelings stronger. Even if you try to avoid her and deny what you are feeling, it will make your feelings stronger. Honestly, I have been there and I am still there. There is nothing you can do but face this situation head on. You must be honest with her about what you are feeling. You have to get it off your chest because if you do, what you are left with is a RESOLUTION. It can go either way. She can end up caring for you or you might have misread her. But at the end of the day, you will be able to MOVE ON and not live your life in this state of limbo and constant misery. It is consuming you to the core and it will not get any better. This is why I think a resolution is the only way to get through it. And the only way you can get a resolution is to be honest and tell her what you are feeling. If she cares, you will both win. If not, I think she will be truly flattered as women usually are flattered by a man's attention, even if they are not interested in the man.
OP, if you do not take a chance, you will never know. And can you live the rest of your life wondering WHAT IF? Can you live with yourself knowing you had this opportunity and blew it? Can you live with the regret that you cared so much for someone and did not do a thing about it? I know it is hard because you are putting everybody's welfare above your own, and this is admirable, but should the choice not be hers? If she is willing to leave her husband and be with you, is that not her choice? All you have to do is tell her how you feel. The rest is up to her. You are not ruining a family because you are telling her your feelings. Believe me, if you both care about each other, you are only going to make each other miserable carrying on with these games and this charade. It will only prolong the pain and perhaps the inevitable if you were both meant to be together. Do you see what I am saying to you? Because of your experience with your own children, you are very rigid in how you are dealing with this situation as you are thinking about her children getting hurt. Please remember that she is their mother and as long as they have their mother with them full time, they are going to be fine. I am sure the pain of divorce is unbearable for all involved. But nobody can live their lives in misery for the sake of their children, as much as they want to do the right thing. I truly believe that if a couple is unhappy, then it will not benefit their children to learn from this example of marriage.
If this woman is unhappy, all you are doing is giving her a push in the right direction. Her marriage would probably end anyway down the road. But give her the choice. Life is too short to play games and not be up front. We are all scared to make a move because of the possible consequences but I believe that you have to be bold and believe that love conquers all.
Also, who says you have to be involved in an affair with her if she returns your feelings? You would steer clear of an affair until she has decided to end her marriage. If you both truly care for each other, you can wait until she is ready.
Honestly, OP, if two people feel this way about each other, you can fight it all you want, but if it is meant to be, the feelings do not go away.
I can tell you from what you have said that she is interested in you. I gave my guy "the look" and would always want to talk to him. I do not and never have in all my years of marriage done that to any man.
I know it is hard but you have to follow your heart. Your heart always knows. This is my best advice.
I hope it all works out for you... Keep us posted.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2011): I believe we have to go with what life presents to us. This is going to be for the best in the long run for you. You just can't see it right now. Embrace it the best that you are able, and look for it's purpose. You will prevail.Good luck to you. Now I just have to figure out what practical joke life has in store for me. Falling hard for a married woman, harder than I've fallen in 25 years? There seems no end in sight. But I know I'll have peace. I just don't know when.-op
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2011): I'm the op.
What have I done? I've agonized. I've tried to come up with all kinds of excuses to say something to her, but I can't come up with a scenario where this is the right thing to do. If I have misinterpreted her interest, I just look like a fool, if I haven't, then she might respond emotionally, and I don't want to push someone with kids down that road.
So I have no idea what to do. I have spent sleepless hours in agony over it. i've written 3 page letters to her, I've tried to think of all kinds of ways where it might be okay to tell her. I think she probably knows at this point, and is probably more amused with whether or not I'll something.
The problem here is that - no matter what I do, it doesn't matter- she is married - and (contrary to the title of this post - i didn't title it) I am not. I'm not going to have an affair. Period.
I'm begging to be released from this, but I have not been. Just when I think I can put it behind me, I can't. As so many women have done to men in this world, she has cast a spell on me that I can't break.
So I guess I just suffer.
Any other ideas?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2011): Hi OP.
I'm the married woman you have given advice to. Thank you for taking the time to do this.
Unfortunately, my dream has just ended. The married man I care deeply for has just let me go. He wants nothing to do with me anymore.
I will have to move on somehow. I am completely devastated and heart broken but he made his choice and now it is my turn to let him go. I have a lot of work ahead of me and I don't know how I am going to do it, but I am going to have to.
Take Care and thank you...
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2011): Op you have given the married woman excellent advice
But
What have you done about your situation.
You seem 'anti affair' or have you progressed into an affair?
LoveGirl
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2011): I'm the op.In your situation I have to say, you need to approach your husband and tell him the marriage is no longer working. Then you have to ask him if he wants to fix it. At this point it sounds as if you have already left it. I am a believer in whatever is best for the kids. You had them, now take care of them while they are young. If they see you persevere and fix something that was broke they will respect you. As long as they don't see you two at each other's throats, disrespecting each other, I don't disagree that staying together is the right thing. But if that is in fact the situation, those are usually the cases where I say divorce is better for the kids, despite the pain and loss they feel. Just don't believe anyone who tries to tell you kids are resilient. They aren't. They hurt just like you and me, and they don't forget. They hurt worse. If your husband doesn't want to fix the marriage, some people stay together until the kids are grown. Ask him how he feels about you having male friends. Just keep it from the kids at all costs. You need to talk to a *GOOD* therapist. You can justify anything to fulfill your desires. Your challenge is to attempt to discover what is best for your kids, not you. As parents, we are tasked with sacrifice for our children. The best parents do this at all costs, including lost love. :(
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2011): Thanks for your answer to my post. Looks like you are in a similar situation.
This is one of those things you can only go with your gut on. You must be the one willing to make the decision. But a decision must be made for your own well being and peace of mind because you cannot go on this way. It is one of the most difficult things to ever have to deal with. For me, it tears me up knowing I no longer love or want to be with my husband and yet I feel so strongly for another man who has a wife and a family. I have never told him how I feel (because I am afraid and because of all the possible consequences) and he hasn't either (probably for the same reasons) but I am sure we both already know. If he was willing to be honest and leave his marriage, I would do the same. Because at this point, I cannot stop thinking about him and cannot imagine not having him in my life.
I have been told to cut contact with him and stay with my husband for my child's sake and to work on my marriage. But I would have to be sacrificing my own happiness to stay married to a man I no longer want to be with for the sake of my child. I married my husband when I was young. He is my one and only. I feel I did not have enough life experience to base my decision on at the time. I was in part making this decision to make my parents happy as they got married young and it was expected of us.
I no longer feel the passion for my husband and it has been this way for many years, well before this other man came along. I have wanted it to return but despite trying, it never has and I am sure now that it never will.
It is sad to break a family apart and subject children to this pain but what would be sadder in my opinion is staying in a marriage where the parents are unhappy. I cannot see this benefitting a child in any way now or in the long run.
I am at a loss on what to do. You have everyone telling you how wrong you are because you are both married and have children. But on the other hand you have these very real feelings that exist that you cannot control and that draw you together. Fighting them seems not to work. Ignoring the person only breaks your heart more. So what are you to do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2011): Hi. I know, it doesn't seem to make sense that I expect him to tell me how he feels when the situation appears to be impossible. I guess I am just hoping that if he is not happy in his marriage, he will leave the marriage. Not necessarily if or because he has feelings for me but because he is genuinely not happy and the marriage is not working. If that was the case, I would be there to be his friend, allow him time to grieve the loss of that relationship and see where it goes from there. Because I know deep in my heart that if he left his wife and was serious about me, I would leave my husband, in part because of him but also because I have been unhappy in this marriage before he came along. I truly believe that you can fall in love with someone else when you are married. It is a very difficult situation, though, because you have to make a tough decision to either follow your heart or stay with your marriage. Add children to the mix and it becomes even more difficult. But at the end of the day you have to do what makes you happy, not what you think is right. Because if you are unhappy and decide to stay, it will only be a matter of time before your marriage unravels anyway and in the meantime you may have lost an opportunity to be with someone you truly love. This opportunity does not come around every day...
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2011): Again, I am the Original Poster.Thank you for that insight. I found it interesting that you want him to tell you how he feels, but at the same time, you are quite sure your situation is nearly impossible. I agree with everything you've said. I'll just continue to be friendly with her and see what happens, despite the fact I can hardly breathe in her presence. I can't say I'm in love with her, obviously, but the attraction I have toward her is nothing like I have ever experienced in my adult life. It feels real. I agree about cheating. As a divorced person, I can tell you that the crap they say about kids bouncing back from it, is just that, crap. It had a profound effect on my oldest child and i don't want to be the cause of putting that on ANY CHILD ever. However, that said, despite the pain he feels from the loss of the divorce, I will say he will be better off because of it. Its just hard to see that when you feel that loss. We are all happier, better people as a result of it. That's the dilemma. You have to endure and cope with the loss, to realize the benefit. And losing your parent's marriage is a life changing event, not unlike the death of a parent. Yes, you move on, but you aren't the same. It's not something I want to push the first domino on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2011): I am married and have strong feelings for another man. We also have children at the same school. I can tell you that my marriage isn't wonderful and I am not happy. This would be the reason I am giving another man looks or "the look" as you put it and showing him interest. If I was happily married, I would not be doing this. If I had no interest in the other man, I would not be doing this. But I am with my husband out of obligation as we have been together for 18 years and we have a child together. Also, I don't work and am dependent on him financially right now.
I wish this man would come up to me and tell me how he feels or ask me out for a coffee. If it was meant to be, I would leave my marriage to be with him. But he is married and has children and I am in the same boat. It is an impossible situation I'm afraid. We can't or won't tell each other how we feel because we are both married and it is hard to make that kind of move under the circumstances. Also I don't know how happy he is in his marriage. Maybe he would not be as willing as I am to leave his marriage. Terrible situation to be in. Very tough on me emotionally.
I think you should get to know her better and try to be friends with her and you will be able to pick up more signals. If you still feel she likes you, ask her out for coffee as friends. You can get to know each other better to see if you really have a meaningful connection. If so, proceed from there. But make sure she leaves her husband first if she is unhappy and she decides she wants to be with you. Don't get involved with her while she is still married. This is going to cause a whole lot of problems you don't need or want. It is never right to cheat. It is best to start a relationship off on the right foot.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2011): I am the original poster. To clarify: This is not the same woman I 'loved' when I was 15. This is a different woman, to whom I feel a very strange (I can't believe I am saying this) cosmic connection to. I am a person normally grounded (maybe to much so) in reality, but this feels, spiritual, way beyond physical attraction. maybe I just need a shrink.
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A
female
reader, mizz.butterflies +, writes (11 April 2011):
 yes. do tell her. women leave their marriages for LOVE. Men usually don't but thats another subject. Yes it is bad to ruin a marriage but it takes two to do so. if she doesnt wanna leave her husband then she won't.if she does,she will.
u dont know if this woman is madly in love with her husband. u dont know whether she regretted dumping you.
i suggest not telling her right away. maybe go out with her,and try to see her body language. proceed slowly or she'll think ur a creep.
i believe in TRUE LOVE. I lost my true love once, because i didnt wanna interefere,and now i am still looking to find someone i can have the same intense feelings i had for that one guy.
good luck.you will need it.
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