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Our relationship is dying and I am trying to save it! What else can I do?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Faded love, Marriage problems, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (9 August 2009) 3 Answers - (Newest, 12 August 2009)
A female United States age 36-40, *lueberry28 writes:

yesterday was year number 4 with my partner (not married) I got divorced while starting a relationship with him and i admit it was the worst possible thing i could have done. i dont think i did the right thing , but ok we did continue and its been 4 years. i dont know if i love him anymore i am totally confused. i dont have anyone else i dont see anyone. neither does him but he is doing so many thing out of the house that our relationship has gone cold to the point that i dont feel the same as maybe a year ago. We have been thru alot in past 2 years. We lost our first daughter and 8 months ago i had another baby girl. He works on irregular schedules( he delivers concrete) and goes to the fire academy t,thur and sat when he comes home hes like dead , he eats and gos to sleep thats it sex is none existing and i care less 4 it also . I dont know how to approach things , what to do to make it better if i can , when i try to talk 2 him all he says im doing it for all of us , but hes neglecting us in the process and i the end he wont have the us he will be alone because i dont know how much more i can take living like this. i have suggested things , i write little letters and leave them everywhere to try to do something , make him feel important. i told him lets make a day for us , and thats our day for u and me , nothing i dont know what else to do . please give me any advice.... thank you all for reading

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2009):

seems like this guy who you were cheating on your husband with has lost interest in you. either that or he is grieving the loss of the baby. relationships are difficult instead of complaining all the time how about appreciating that his long hours mean that he is actually providing for you and the family. yes it is hard being in a committed relationship but you both have to work at it. also try being supportive of him and try being emotionally available if he does want to talk. i think the baby factor has gotten to him and he is bottling things up.

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A female reader, Twistedbaby420 United States +, writes (9 August 2009):

Twistedbaby420 agony auntI'm sorry to hear of your loss.

Losing his daughter and his irregular work schedule are both enormous stressors.

Every relationship will have it's ups and downs, especially one of longevity. Perhaps you're stuck in one of the downs right now, and it's up to the both of you to get out and make things work.

What did he say when you wanted to set aside a day for just the two of you? Did he agree to it and it never happened, or did he just have no interest? A relationship cannot work if only one person is making all the effort.

Are you working right now as well? If not and it is possible for you to get employment somewhere, I would consider doing it. That way he might be able to work a little less, resulting in an improvement in his physical/mental/emotional well being.

If he isn't willing to make an effort to change things for the better, then perhaps it's time for you to go your separate ways (for awhile or permanently).

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A female reader, Sweet-thing United Kingdom +, writes (9 August 2009):

Sweet-thing agony auntSurely he gets a day off or two?..If so, take the little one to a friend or relatives that day and make him a nice breakfast, or a nice dinner. Tell him when he wakes up that you want the day to be just the two of you, whatever you want to do. You might go to a movie together, or out to eat. Just plan something simple because the focus is on quality time, not running a marathon together. Hopefully he'll be up for it. That will give you the chance to tell him that you love him and hopefully if he's not feeling pressured by work problems, or expected to have sex at the drop of the hat, he'll relax and be more like his old self. If that doesn't work you probably need to consider counseling. It sounds like you are rowing this boat by yourself and you will never get anywhere unless he's on board with the desire to work on your relationship too. I wish you the best.

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