A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been married to my wife for 6 years and we have a great relationship, We have 2 kids a 4 year old daughter and an 8 month old son, my wife still exclusively breastfeeds our son and our daugther still nurses before bed and during the night. Both kids sleep in bed with us and nurse throughout the night. I am very supportive of my wife and support all the hard work she has put into breastfeeding but I think it is time for her to stop. It is affecting our relationship, since most night I just sleep on the couch to give her more space with the kids. How do I tell her this with out upseting her. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2009): All I can tell you is that the kids chased me out of the marriage bed and I never went back. Hasn't done our marriage any good at all. If you value your relationship and want it to stay solid for the long term you have to have intimacy. That's simply not possible if your bedroom isn't a private place for the two of you.
A
female
reader, Deema  +, writes (30 October 2009):
 Isn't it strange how its so hard to talk to those nearest and dearest to us? You'd think they'd be the easiest, but we are sooooo afraid of hurting them. Well I think you are great, very patient and very kind, and I think she's a real earth mother wanting to do the best for her kids - as do you. So why not just cuddle up to her in the evening and tell her whats most on your mind. What is it you really want? A night/nights on your own with her, private time to do whatever you want to do, just to feel she's yours again rather than having to share her all the time. The kids won't die without her milk - though I have to say I got so caught up in the guilt around not feeding them, it can be difficult for her to let go too - but you need to tell her what you want and why you want it in the most loving way you know how. There's no need for battles or fights, and I don't imagine you to be like that anyway, but if you can snuggle up and tell her what you miss I'm sure she'll respond. Always works for me that way anyway. I had a problem with my partner recently that I tackled head on and got absolutely nowhere with for months. Then when I told him this problem was making me scared for myself, the problem ended overnight because he saw I wasn't trying to control him I was genuinely in need of something that he could help me with. Worth a try anyway. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2009): hey im all for breastfeeding but at 4 years old? I nursed 4 children and it is easy to end up with them in your bed...but heres the bottom line. When it puts dad on the couch 1) something has got to change, so have the talk 2) you need get a backbone and quit being so understanding and nice. As a mother and a wife trust me, someday the kids will go to school, make friends, date, marry and leave and you and your wife will wish you had maintained YOUR relationship. Goodluck sweetheart.
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A
female
reader, Lola1 +, writes (30 October 2009):
 I recommend you simply tell her as honestly as possible without accusations or anger. We can not control how someone will react to what we have to say, but we can do our best to prevent ourselves from fuelling negative reactions.
Remind her that you recognize she is a great mother and you appreciate all the work she does to nurture your children.
You are concerned that the longer the four year old stays sleeping with you and nursing, the harder it will be for her to be independent in her own bed, etc. You also will need to think of the eight-month old's eventual weaning (from night-time feedings and progression to big people food) and it is good to start with one so you are better prepared for the second.
You are also concerned that you both may eventually (do not say it is HAPPENING, say it MAY happen) losing your intimate connection with each other. It is important in a marriage for the adults to regularly maintain their own emotional and physical intimacy. It keeps families strong and whole.
Be prepared that she may not wish to make changes right away. Be flexible and work out a schedule to help meet your goal. However, both children should sleep in their own beds and both at the same time. Once you start this change, you MUST stay consistent for the welfare of the children.
You should also be aware that she has held these children close to her for herself more than for them. Most children at 4 years of age stopped nursing YEARS ago. She is now of school age. Infants usually have their own room where they sleep, even if they are nursing.
Children should be able to sleep through the night without the need for nursing at about eight months (not four years) and while your son may not be ready to sleep through the night yet, nature dictates he will be starting that phase soon. You must encourage it, not hinder it.
Your wife enjoys keeping them young and dependent. She needs to be weaned as they do. You will need to be sensitive to her feelings of loss. Allow her to feel she is needed and remind her (gently) that your job as parents is not just to ensure they are loved and nurtured, but to give them the tools to excel as INDEPENDENT adults when you are no longer with them. It is a disservice to them when you "over-mother" them.
You may have a battle on your hands when the four year old is put in her own bed and told she is too old to nurse. Encourage her by placing the eight month old in his own room as well and showing her what great things "big girls" get to have and do that babies do not. Help her to feel proud that she is growing up, engage her as a helper for the baby, but remain firm about the new rules.
You will possibly be seen as "the bad guy" by your wife sometimes, but there are greater things at stake here than intimacy with your wife. Your children will be stronger for it.
You can remind her kindly that if this had been done years ago, your daughter would not be struggling with the concept now and that because your son is sleeping in his own room, you will never have the struggle with him.
Remember than your daughter's possible tears and tantrums are designed by nature to wrench sympathy from you. In this case, it WILL hurt you more than it hurts her, but it is for the best.
For the first few nights, you can have a hot bubble bath waiting for your wife so she can soak as you put the kids down (read the four year-old a story). This may help remind her of what it feels like to be a woman, not just a mother and will keep her from witnessing first-hand her daughter’s unhappiness.
When the kids are down for the night, no matter how long it took initially to get the four year-old to stay there, reclaim that as Mommy & Daddy time. Have a bottle of wine ready to uncork and talk about things that make you happy and bring you closer.
As hard as the first steps may be, you will BOTH be very glad you did this.
Good luck and feel free to keep us up to date or come back for more advice! :-)
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A
male
reader, duce00  +, writes (30 October 2009):
 I think having children sleep in the parents bed is bad for everyone. It takes away the one personal space the parents have together and squashes your sex life. It doesnt help the kids either because you become theyre security blanket and then they have to sleep with you.
I think this is pretty well established and I would bet you can make a good point with her if you just do a little homework.
Check out this site:
http://www.wholefamily.com/aboutyourkids/child/cosleeping.html
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2009): Pick up a few good books on parenting at the library, I am positive they will all say that having kids sleeping in the same bed as you will cause them to become extremely clingy, as well as breaking up the marriage because there is no room for intimacy.
While at the bookstore, find a few books on how to keep the relationship going after children is born. Surely they will say too that there is a good need for the parents to make time to be with just each other, no kids, in order to keep their relationship healthy.
That should give you some backup. Now of course, you don't need to bring this backup if she is sensible, and you sit her down and tell her that you are worried of the effect this will have on your family (and the kids! they will never be able to sleep in their own beds if this keeps up!)
Best of luck! I am sure that with some reasoning she will understand, this is all pretty basic logic.
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