A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This seems a little ridiculous to me but here it goes. My husband decided on his new year resolution to quit drinking and smoking which I am proud of him for doing so. The third one is the one that is ridiculous to me. He wants to go a month with any sex. We rarely have a chance to have sex at all to begin with Because we have kids majority of the time, once or none a week. I asked him what the reasoning is for and he said he wants to make sure he loves me and he also said that he wants to make sure sex isn't taking over his life. What does this all mean? I don't think this is even fare to me, I wasn't even asked to agree with this term. I want to be supportive in his good decisions, I think this one is a little ridiculous. We have been married for twoYears now, what is he thinking? What do I do? Every time I try to talk about it he tells me to quit pushing it. Please help, I don't understand what the point of this is? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (12 January 2014):
Sorry, but I cannot imagine doing that. Ive been married for six months now, and have been with my wife for six years. To give you an idea of my (our) sex drive, I have already had sex with her three times in the last 24 hours. I will likely get another time in after the game this evening. After all, its the weekend..... :)
In all the time we have had sex - (first time was MLK weekend in 2008 now that I think of it), she has never told me "no." Not a single time. I have also never done the same, not a single time. We are both horny as hell and still can't get enough of each other.
Waiting a FULL MONTH for her? Ive already waited my whole life for her, Im not going to waste any more time now that I have her....
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2014): To add to what's already been said, I went through a phase where I felt I was becoming addicted to porn, and so I convinced myself I needed to separate myself from everything sexual for a while... including sex
is it possible he's doing what I did? (Which btw didn't work cuz I'm married and my plan crumbled when hubby looked at me weird as I started talking about it)
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (11 January 2014):
 I agree with WiseOwlE
ONLY been married 2 years and the sex is almost non-existent and now he wants to quit it for a months? Because he doesn't want sex to take over his life? How can it if you two RARELY have it?
Is he religious?
If not I would give him that month after that the subject needs to be brought up and NOT dismissed.
It just sounds really really odd to me.
And I have to go with AuntieEm's.... he could be seeing someone else. And if that someone else knows he is married, it's not that hard for him to say, well we are not having sex and the marriage is not working..
Yea, I would not be OK with that.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 January 2014):
 I think FA may be right.
There's an old saying here : Bacco, tabacco e Venere riducon l'uomo in cenere . Translation : Bacchus ( wine ) , tobacco and Venus ( sex ) will turn a man into ashes . ( If consumed in excess of course ).
I find it a curious coincidence, it's like he wants to purge his life from everything that's dissipated, self-indulgent , " unhealthy "...
Of course most people would not think they need to give up monogamous marital sex to clean up their act, but if he is an uptight, over religious type.. or someone who grew up with the idea that sex is dirty, impure and morally dangerous...
...............................
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (11 January 2014):
 I'm going to throw out another idea. Not to contradict the existing answers but just as a possibility.
Some people and some religions/cultures still persist in teaching that sex is inherently evil. I'm generally not one to put down a person's religion but this idea just doesn't work well even when both partners are committed to it. His statements about making sure he really loves you and not letting sex take over his life, lead me to think he distrusts sex. It may be because of his upbringing or it may be because of a previous relationship.
Personally I wouldn't worry about weekly sex taking over his life. I think that some further exploration into this, possibly with the advice of a counselor / religious leader (if there is a religious dimension to this) is in order.
I tend to agree with the OP that this is something that you both should have agreed upon before it was decided.
FA
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2014): Your husband isn't being totally upfront with you. People in a two-year marriage, and under forty years of age; don't just stop having sex, unless there is a problem between them.
You must be in deep denial; if you have no clue what's going on.
I don't think he is sure he wants to remain married to you.
Two years and two kids later, he wants to be sure he loves you?
You tried to talk about something that important, and he dismissed you? He told you not to push it? Seriously!?
What does that tell you?
Resolutions are made to improve the quality of life. Not to create stress within your marriage.
Maybe you should make a better resolution for the New Year. Hire a divorce attorney. He's gone over the edge.
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (11 January 2014):
 'he wants to make sure he loves me and he also said that he wants to make sure sex isn't taking over his life'
He is having doubts about the relationship!
It could be because he regrets marrying you and feel tied down.
It could be that the pressure of having kids around is making him feel pushed out.
It could be that he is worrying that he isn't sure if he loves you and doesn't want to use you for sex.
It's a really odd thing when a man withdraws sex from a woman because it usually means he is thinking about getting it elsewhere!!
This sounds horrific, but think about it...what other explaination could there be? It's Occums razor! 'the simplest explaination is usually the right one'
A man will often salve his guilt about cheating on a woman by withdrawing sex, then he cannot be accused of using her (since men see sex as the ultimate bargaining chip)
He could just be making an indirect protest at the lack of sex in your relationship so you could try making more of an effort. Get the kids to Grandma's house, dress nice and give him some special one on one. Tell him you don't want him to feel neglected or pushed out and that you are both deserving of time alone together. If he doesn't go for this, then I'd say he's looking elsewhere.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2014): When I was 20 my husband of 30 decided he wanted to be celibate. I had never had another relationship, so I assumed it must be because I was not attractive. Not showing off, but people sometimes would ask me if I'd considered modelling as a career.The effects on my self esteem were devastating. I lost all confidence and spent another five, miserable years with him, convinced that, if I left him, no one would ever want me because at 25 my life would be over. It wasn't until we divorced and a man six years younger than me bowled me over and basically told me that the way I was thinking about myself was nuts. We spent long days, all day, in bed together. And I realised that my ex husband really did have a problem AND was an incredibly selfish person.If your husband is thinking in this way, don't waste five years like I did. Tell him that, if he doesn't want sex with you for one month and can't even be bothered to ask you about your needs, then you will find a lover for a month and what you do with that lover is none of his business.
...............................
|
