A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:A few months ago I wrote for advice on this issue and the general concensus was that the man seemed interested but that I should wait and just remain friendly.Basically, I need some reassurance about what is going on as I am finding it very hard to do this! Do people think that the same advice applies? The scenario is, briefly: I am a mature student, forties with a tutor a few years older than me who I basically, over a four year period, realised was a very special individual and who I thought was attracted to me more and more. I had to officially take time out of college so was no longer a student for a while. During that time I had to contact him in relation to something to do with my work and my tutor contacted me back and, on the pretext of discussing my work and my return to college, we met four times. Each time was at his suggestion and each time the "work" discussion was almost negligible. He was, by his own standards, very flirtatious - usually he is extremely reserved to the point where people have said he is barely human- but very gentlemanly, kissing me hello and goodbye and prolonoguing the meetings so that they became drinks, dinner, etc etc.On the last of these meetings he didn't have much time as he was going away the next day. However, he told me - in a way that I sensed was very difficult for him - that he had been separated from his wife for over two years and had also been living separately since then, with shared responsibility for their child. It had been loosely agreed that the wife was going to move far away with their child. He then asked me about my own situation re. my ex husband and my own child, now grown up. Afterwards, he lingered for ages at the station before saying goodbye - I really felt that he wanted to do or say something but finally he left.During these "dates", up until he told me about his separation, I had to be very careful not to cross any boundaries because he was still - although not then officially - my tutor and I also knew he was with someone, but did not know if he was married or not - so even though I was enjoying myself I did not really flirt with him and I am not sure that he could sense how much I liked him. On the advice of my best friend, who said I MUST indicate that I liked him, I texted him a couple of days after the last meeting saying that I would like to see him - this was the first time that I had directly indicated that I liked him and by this it was obvious that I meant not in a work sense and it should have also been obvious that I was saying this in response to him telling me that he was separated. A few days later he called me and said we could either meet that night 'briefly' or we could wait until he had more time because he was 'kinda busy'. His schedule is very heavy, but this didn't stop him from making time with me before, so I said I would wait.He never called me. Ordinarily I would just forget about the guy. But, I wondered if the problem was simply that he was officially my tutor again because I was now back in college and, although separated, I guessed he still had some emotional connection to his wife and maybe needed more time. This is when I asked for help from the aunts.I have only seen him a few times in college since then - when I texted saying that I would like to see him, this was on the basis of me hardly expecting to see him at all in college. The first time I saw him was in a group and he was acting really very awkward but also, at one stage, shot me a very "loving" look. I behaved very professionally and I think this somehow calmed him down as he seemed concerned that I could possible say or do something to embarass him - I would never do this, but I think he knew that he had overstepped boundaries somehow with me.After that I had another group meeting in which he sat next to me two days running and also, I saw him watch me out of the corner of his eye. More than that I believe I just sensed his feeling for me - but maybe I am just projecting? I then had two meetings alone with him. The first of these, he set the time for late afternoon,early evening, and stayed far longer than he needed to - until almost 10pm and only leaving because I got up and started to put my coat on etc. There were, however, no kisses hello or goodbye but he became increasingly relaxed the more that time went by and, I think, the more that he realised I was not going to bring up the subject of his never calling me. He did "flirt" with me, but in a much more different way - I can't explain how, but as if some barrier had gone from between us and he was warmer towards me but less "sexual" in a way - or just differently sexual, very hard to explain.After than I saw him alone once more and he had become aware that I might be moving home and had just got a new job - he seemed very concerned about this moving issue, especially when I said that I might just "go away" for a while, but then seemed very pleased/reassured when I said that I would be only moving to the same city, not far at all. At some points in this meeting his eyes seemed, yet again, to literally melt when he was looking at me and listening to me - but at the same time he did not let this daytime meeting overrun and, as has often happened in our meetings, his wife called at the end...when this has happened before he has seemed totally awkward but this time he was quite relaxed about it.I am now totally confused. As well as these meetings there have been other incidents in which he has shown a lot of attraction and warmth towards me - just treating me that bit more specially compared with others, but he has also done things that I found a bit upsetting - like forgetting to include me in an important mail list - although he really apologised when I told him what had happened - and just not answering some of my emails about work - this latter is not at all unusual for any of our tutors, we all complain about it, but I guess I had started to feel "special" and making one important decision about my work without fully consulting me.Contrary to the earlier advice, I have now subtly distanced myself by postponing meetings with him etc.The truth is that I was/am genuinely falling in love with him but trying to be very realistic and not allow myself to. I hate the student/'tutor situation and just found it annoying becausse I could never quite be just myself with him. I feel that I have had to pull away a bit because I just don't know what on earth he is thinking anymore. I stand to get very hurt if he doesn't want to pursue anything with me. I am not being cold as such, just distant. Do you think this is wise or is there anything else I can do? I am due to finish college in a few months and so far my work there is changing my life because it has gone so well and has impacted positively onto my career. Another theory is that he really does rate my work and that he did all of this just to make sure that I would come back to study because there was a time when I doubted I could continue, and a lot of it was because I felt unsupported by him at times during that early period.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (7 October 2011):
 I agree with the previous post, it is clear that all of this is effecting you in a big way. It is always complicated when it is a tutor and student no matter what the age is. He still cannot be seen dating a student and it would be very bad for his reputation and could also cause the loss of his job, this alone would put added pressure on him. But in all fairness it does sound like he is interested in you but maybe he is trying to fight it for the simple reason being the situation that you are both in. But you do need to clear this up before you go crazy trying to analyse his behaviour. Tell him you need to talk to him and ask him straight out how he feels about you and tell him how you feel. It will be good for you to have everything out in the open and you can both discuss it. Good luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2011): If I were you I'd ask him how he feels. I sense he may be back with his wife so it'd be good for him to clarify this. If you let this go on unresolved it will eat away at your happiness and self esteem. You can find out and still maintain your dignity if it's bad news. Personally I'd ask to meet for an afternoon cup of tea, somewhere he'll feel comfortable. Tell him that you're attracted to him, ask him how he feels. If it's bad news, ask if that's because of your student/tutor relationship? If it is, should you wait for him? Best not to let this drag on for years! Let us know what you do. Good luck! X
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