A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello, Feeling slightly daft writing this question/situation, but I've been reading comments on various questions and there seem to be some really reasonable helpful people out there... so here goes. I'm in a relationship of about 9 years and we have a one year old son. Many years ago, my partner told me he was bi, he wanted to tell me to be honest with me, and warn me that he needed to satisfy that part of him too. I was initially fine with this, not really believing it anyway, then got worried, then fine again. In the end, I just try to ignore it, as we have a real good solid relationship, and that seems to work. We also agreed, about the same time, to have an open relationship. For him, to do the things he wants to do, for me, so it's fair. I probably have used the modality more than him... Anyway, I am now starting to feel that we are sort of just living like really good friends, and having sex, or sexual fantasies elsewhere. Since the birth of my son, we had sex perhaps three times in total, and I am really suffering under it, thoughts driving me elsewhere. He's been having a really tough time the past 8 months, and i keep trying to be understanding and nice, but if i am honest i cannot really see how we are going to get back to having an active sex life. Today i got so worried as i realised i still have a lifetime ahead of me without decent sex... not sure if i just want to get it outside of my relationship even though that's generally - if it happens - 100 times better than at home. It's a nightmare to arrange meet ups like that, and with a baby it doesn't get any easier... How long should i stick it out? What can i do to get back his confidence levels in bed? Has he perhaps just turned completely gay, and i don't turn him on anymore? when i ask, he says of course not, that he finds me very sexy, but nothing ever, ever happens. At the same time, he's extremely dependable and depending on me, always wants to be with me, to the point that i would like some time off actually. Not sure what to do. Thoughts, advice, questions would be much appreciated. Thank you
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi everyone,
i am surprised to find that i enormously appreciate your comments and different lines of thoughts. I guess myself I am sort of going between options, being quite angry at times, then wanting to resolve it in peaceful ways, or escaping it without tackling real issues.
One of my key problems recently is that he's been really quite down recently, for lots of reasons, and I feel that it may be the wrong time to add to his sorrows. On the other hand, there never seems to be a right moment and I think i've been facing this situation for quite a while.
Just on 'having his cake and eating it', i don't think there's actually much practice going on with male lovers, he mentioned twice, and i think he's honest about that. I think it's more a state of mind.
I am still not much clearer as to what to do. Letting him chase me all over again sounds good, but I don't think that's the problem, it's more like someone else writes, he's in a cosy, stable, loving relationship but without the passion. Thank you very much for your answers though. I'm giving them all very careful thought...
cheers!
*
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2010): To be frank. Youre partner seems to be having his cake and eating it. He has a nice family set up. You as a best friend. Sex if he wants it. And another life with male lovers. Exactly what do you have? Its way past time you put yourself first. Sex with out love becomes meaningless after a while and you will end up feeling awful. You need a man thats there for you. Totally committed to you. Your partner doesnt sound particularly happy or stable. You need to ask him where your relationship is heading because you will eventually find it impossible to keep up the type of lifestyle you find yourself living at the moment.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (6 May 2010):
 There are three separate issues here. One is you had a kid and he's having trouble seeing you as a sexual figure anymore. Second is his sexuality. Third is his confidence level you have mentioned. Decide which one affects him the most. An open relationship is just going to distract you from facing this problem, an escape or an excuse to not work on it. It would only drift you apart. You are not married, but basically you are a couple without the legal binds. Distance yourself from him a little but still welcome his intimate gestures. Let him chase you all over again. Don't make it seem like a problem or he'll shut down even more. What to do? I think smiling more always helps.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2010): I feel its time to have a heart to heart talk with him. Ask him if he's gay, and why there's no sex in your relationship. I agree you deserve to feel wanted and sex is a wonderful addition to a relationship. If he's not willing to give you what you desire then perhaps you need to think seriously about if you want to continue with this relationship.
Good luck,
;D
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (6 May 2010):
Let's face it. This isn't working out at all. There doesn't seem to be any real emotional closeness between you two at all. A man doesn't just turn gay. Perhaps he was always that way and can't fake it anymore. I think this is the time now to really sit down and think about whether you can face living this life any longer. There will be a man out there who will be committed and will want you night and day. Your boyfriend doesn't seem to really want it at all.
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