A
female
age
36-40,
*r
writes:I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 9 years now, he is 42 years old and I am 27. We have been discussing the issue of marriage for quite a long time now. He was married before and has two boys from his previous marriage. One is 21 and the other one is 17. He says that he's just waiting for his 17 year old son to turn 18, which will be this coming July, I mean hello it's been 9 years, still not the least engaged, etc...,then he says he can finally move on to consider marriage and more family. I know he loves me but I don't know if this is just an excuse to keep me around. I recall in the beginning of our relationship he mentioned how he never wanted to get married nor have kids anymore. He now says I see us together forever in the future, but never does he mention kids or marriage unless I do. I don't know what to do, what are his true intentions, will he marry me soon? Or ever?
View related questions:
engaged, move on Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Yr +, writes (14 January 2015):
Yr is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all again for your advice. I will definitely move on, lesson learned.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2015): Putting off and not telling you the truth is a typical passive aggressive behavour. He is not saying no, but makes up all kindof excuses to not marry you.
He never will. I know this kind of guys. They will never say no,mbecause they want to keep you around, and waste your time. Leave him before its to late, find someone your own age and without baggage.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2015): I think you should ask him frankly why he isn't interested in getting married. Try to create a conversation where he feels comfortable saying something that people aren't supposed to say, like "I have the same thing now without the legal obligation."
Try to understand his position, whatever it is. Then you can make a decision about how to move forward. I suggest that whatever his answer is, you take some time to process & reflect before answering back or taking any big steps.
I know of several men in his position. Every one of them ended up being against another marriage because of the divorce process, not because they are against publicly committing to another woman. I think women underestimate how much of a factor this really is for men. Just because a man didn't get too burned by his divorce it does not mean he wasn't hugely stressed and affected by it. It is emotionally devastating for many of us. We normally are not the initiators of it. At best it only costs us a few thousand dollars. At worst we can become financial slaves and indirectly get sent to prison for a woman who never wants to see us again. That may sound farfetched but it happens every day.
...............................
A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow  +, writes (13 January 2015):
 As long as you stick to your guns and don't accept his rushed proposal if you give him an ultimatum or just leave because there's a 99% chance it'll only be to keep you around, not because you have the same desires.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (13 January 2015):
 Don't play the regret or I wish I had.. game, with yourself now.
Those 9 years, I'm sure, brought you joy and taught you something about yourself, about relationships and life in general.
You are just ready for more now. You GREW up.
27 is not too late to "Start over" with someone else.
I MET my husband when we were 27... that was 19 years ago.
If you know WHAT you want in life, then GO for it, NEVER wait around for another person to MAYBE "give" that to you or share that with you.
Don't look back, unless it's at the lessons you learned. Look to YOUR future, but LIVE in the now.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 January 2015):
 You are 27, to me and anyone older than that, you are young.
Don't look back, look forward.
If you want more children you are young enough to have them.
If you want to be in a long-term committed relationship you are younng enough to have it.
I think if you want marriage and children then you are in the wrong relationship.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2015): Don't be disappointed in yourself. I am sure you have had many happy times with him. Never question love. Every experience we have and every person we meet serves a purpose. I am sure you have grown and matured and learned so many things about yourself, life and relationships. Never regret. You are smart for choosing to move on. It is a very difficult thing to do. And there is nothing wrong with hanging in and caring about someone and hoping things will work out in the end. I am sure he played his part of leading you to believe that he would make your all dreams come true. So he definitely led you on as well. And you wanted to believe him because of how you felt for him. You are young and you will meet somebody more suitable once you have taken some time for yourself. Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, Yr +, writes (13 January 2015):
Yr is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your responses, they were of much help. I am left with the decision to move on with life and find the one who shares the same future goals as me. I just feel so disappointed of myself for letting it go this far, and for waiting 9 years in hope of something to happen, when I could've spend them with someone who was ready for commitment. I will never get those years of my youth back.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2015): Well as a woman who is also 15 years younger than her boyfriend I can tell you that they enjoy the relationship the way it is. They have a fun, younger woman and are enjoying all aspects of a relationship without having to commit to marriage. So if, in fact, he has been with you for 9 years already, why would he have to marry you? It will come down to an ultimatum if you want to go this way.If marriage is this important to you and your next step and he is not on the same page, then you need to move on. Ultimatums can go two ways. Either you lose him for good or if you walk away, he will come running back to you and propose. It is a gamble but if you are willing to take the risk, then only you can decide that. But realize you need to be prepared for whatever the outcome is. Good or bad.If you love him and want to continue being with him, then you need to accept that even after 9 years he is not ready for marriage. He may never be ready. And he will give you all kinds of excuses. I don't think it means he cares for you any less. I just think you are both in two different places in life. He has been there, done that. You haven't and are ready to experience what he already has. Which is fine but he is not on the same page right now. So despite having a good relationship, you may both have different long term goals.I think that this kind of pressure can ruin a good thing. If you can ride with it and enjoy what you have for as long as you have it, that is one option. But it does seem to bother you a lot that you are not taking the next logical step in your relationship. Only you can decide whether after 9 years this is a deal breaker.I have been married before. And to be honest marriage isn't the be all and end all of life. It does change the dynamics of a relationship dramatically. The excitement and honeymoon phase does wear off when things get boring and routine. Why not enjoy what you have? Many people would kill to have the honeymoon phase back. Sadly it does disappear after a few years married. Trust me. Then you will be asking yourself why you made such a big deal about getting married?If you would like to have children, you may need to consider another partner. This man is already in his 40's and likely he would not want to be starting over with a newborn. Despite what he says. He could be saying this to keep you happy. And if you had kids with him, he would be an older father. It would become increasingly difficult for him to keep up with them and you and odds are your kids will not have him around into adulthood. This is also something to consider.Lots to think about. I suspect this could be a HEART versus MIND decision. Your heart is with him and loves him but your mind says he isn't truly the one.Hope it works out. :)
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (13 January 2015):
I don't think he was lying when he told you he NEVER wanted to marry or have more kids. I think THAT is how he felt, and how he still FEELS.
For a guy like that there will ALWAYS be something or other (partly because of his age) that needs to be "settled" or done with first. It's all excuses.
You CAN marry whether his youngest (or oldest) is 12 or 21. It doesn't MATTER. Yes, he will HAVE a little more money once they turn 18 and he no longer has to pay child support, but as a parent he MIGHT want to help support them through college as well, which can be another 3-5 years.
So I'd say, either you give him those 6 months or you say I'm done. I want more.
You ARE with a guy who has BEEN THERE DONE THAT. All of it. Marriage, kids, possibly mortgage and divorce.
My guess is (and please don't take offense) he started dating an 18 year old after the demise of his marriage, because he thought it would be "easier" and less "demanding" to date someone that young. Someone who would have no expectation (compared to a peer his own age). And in a way he has been right. YOU have STUCK it out for 9 LONG WHOLE years and not said, I want kids with in 2 years or marriage before I turn 30. HE got the "easier" relationship and his "second" youth back.
It's up to you and what YOU want. He MAY or MAY NOT be the one who can/will give it to you. Such as kids and marriage.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2015): "what are his true intentions"
Given your age difference and time together, I can't rule out the possibility that he's stringing you along until it's time for him to trade you in for a younger model, just like he did with his ex-wife, but this time having learned the lesson that's it's easier to extricate oneself from a relationship when there are no children or legalities to worry about.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 January 2015):
 I fear that come july the new excuse for marriage and kids not working is "I'm paying for Jr's college and can't afford it"
I have never known a man who loved a woman and wanted to marry her to wait more than two years to consumate that part of the relationship.
My current husband and I are married 2 years. when I met him at 37 he said "I never say I love you and I am never ever getting married" 6 months later he was ready to commit. Within a year we were engaged and living together...then just short of two years together we got married.
My son is 28 he met a young lady july 2014. They are getting Married in May.
IN general, men in love do NOT want to risk LOSING their "prize" and will do everything in their power to keep her. Marriage is usually one of those things.
...............................
A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow +, writes (13 January 2015):
Personally, after nine years of dating, it seems silly to wait on his youngest turning 18, like he can throw away parental responsibilities and start a new family? That's an odd situation.
Maybe he has put it off because you were 18/19 when you started dating and he was 33 - he probably just wanted something light, since you'd only just become an adult and he'd been an adult for almost as long as you'd been alive. He probably didn't plan on there being a future.
Personally, I think his idea of waiting until his youngest turns 18 is a red flag. It's just such a weird "plan" that really makes no sense because you've been in their lives for so long.
It sounds like, if he were to propose and marry you, it would be because you want it and he's not fussed. It doesn't sound like you want the same things because he's been putting it off and you're the one who always has to bring it up. I suppose you could wait until July, but he said he'd "consider" marriage then, not really wants to do it.
Personally, I'd have had enough. We wouldn't be compatible in what we want and I wouldn't want someone to propose, marry me and maybe even start a family, just because I wanted one.
...............................
|
