A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So, I think my girlfriend is crossing some standard boundaries. We just started seeing each other. We are both into each other and she suggested we get into an exclusive relationship. I agreed. However, there has been 3 events that have turned me off. I'm not the jealous type... but I have to draw the line some where.Event #1. she came over drunk and my roommates friend started hitting on her. The flirting wasn't a big deal at first.. when he touched her arm and said "it's because your thinking about kissing me" I got mad. She didn't even send him a no signal instead she threw her shoulders back and her tits out and continued flirting. I told the guy to get lost and ended it right then and there.Event #2. We meet up one night at the bar. She's drunk. That night guys had been hitting on her, no big deal. I take that as a compliment. However, we are outside. I get up to go get a beer. I come back and the same guy that was hitting on her... well she's sitting on his lap.Event #3. Previously that night she was all over guys. This is hear-say from a male friend. I asked him, "Would you dump her over it?" he was like "ehhhh... I don't know man that's on you"Flirting isn't a big deal but I find some of this inappropriate and hard for me to deal with.On the night of event #2 I called her out and we delt with it that night. She was almost in tears and apologized. My buddy explained more about event #3 and that's when I lost it. I acted really immature and pushed her away emotionally. Damaging the relationship. What do I do? Bail out and move on (damage control)? Try and fix things with an excessive flirt? I really like her... and truth is b/c I started getting feelings I got scared and pushed her away.
View related questions:
drunk, flirt, immature, jealous, kissing, move on, roommate Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2010): I made a nice gesture today. I left her a short apologetic letter and dr pepper, candy and her favorite snacks.You are a nice dude. Too nice for her.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Cerberus, wow... what a way to put it. I believe you are right. If anyone has made any sense it's you. I don't know that I can be the one to deal with this. I really screwed things up with her. I have my own problems to deal with. I lost my cool when my friend told me she was all over guys (strike 3) and acting slutty so I was ready to leave her and acted according. So, you are right. I have shut her down. Reset. It's over...
I made a nice gesture today. I left her a short apologetic letter and dr pepper, candy and her favorite snacks.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2010): Sorry I know my last post was huge but I just want to add. As this girls friend it really is heartbreaking to see. She's in her 30's and is honestly the most genuine, loving, generous, caring people you'd ever meet. She is beautiful in both appearance and personality and really does deserve to be loved and treated right.
I love this girl with a passion (platonic) She has all the qualities you could ask for in a girl, is wholly devoted and loyal, a great mother, and if she could find a guy that could look past the way she is, truly look past it and accept it then she could make them the happiest guy alive. Sadly though I can't ever see it happening while she's like that.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2010): Oh she kind of sounds a bit repressed. Yeah repressed. She doesn't like to cuddle, has commitment and intimacy issues, basically keeps a tight control on herself when sober, she works a good job and has a child to take care of too, which helps this regimented lifestyle but this kind of life can be a lonely one. When she gets drunk and cuts loose, well then that thick barrier she has built disappears and the dam bursts.
There really is not much a person can do about that, I hate to say it but that drunk flirting thing is a trait that can only be gotten rid of if she stepped out of her comfort zone every once and a while sober. If she found a way to be more open in the way she lives.
I have a couple of female friends that are similarly repressed. They lead very controlled, VERY controlled lives when sober. They stress the details and worry about peoples perceptions and find it incredibly hard to open up. Because of this men don't really try it on with them when they're sober, so the only time men do is when they're drunk and cut loose and boy do they cut loose. Nothing is half measures with them when they drink, they go wild. One goes all Paris Hilton and dances very sultry, with poles, guys on tables etc. and becomes very overt sexually and very open to flirting and being chatted up which happens a lot because of how she acts. But mostly by sleazy guys.
I honestly don't think she's ever had a night out where she didn't do something she absolutely regretted with these guys, because the sober her is so controlled she finds it hard to forgive her drunken actions. Although it's different when I'm there, seemingly. As her only male friend she can get that attention from me, dance with me and get cuddles and stuff from me, my girlfriend is perfectly fine with that too, they're friends since before we got together and she'd rather this friend got her fill from me and had a safe male "anchor" to focus on than see some guy go too far with her, which can lead her to weeks of depression and self loathing. It's kind of annoying because I've had to literally break faces to get some of the more persistent and aggressive ones away from her.
You see for girls like that it's a double edged sword, they find it hard to trust and open up to guys so it can be hard for them to meet good guys then when they do meet guys they're usually sleazes that try and take advantage of a girl who is desperate for that male attention when drunk. Even worse then is that when they do find a good guy, that guy just can't console himself with their drunken behaviour and the fact they become sleaze fodder. It becomes a cycle then because good guys are turned off by that behaviour, the sleazes don't stick around after they get what they want, so this makes them believe they're not good enough, or they're not worthy nor capable of being loved. So they build up that barrier even more to ensure they don't get hurt which in turn leads their drunken behaviour to remain the same and even get a lot more desperate.
It's vicious and it gets even worse. You see this female friend has a couple of long term relationships over the past few years. At the start the guys let it slide, that she did this, because of the initial passion and wanting someone and how you let a lot of things slide. So they acted like they were fine with it in the hopes things would change but after the honeymoon period ended it became a major issue. "why hasn't she changed" kind of thing.
Why am I telling you all this? Well if your girl is the same then there's a couple of things for you to consider. If she's different some of what I said is still food for thought.
If she is this kind of girl then you acting the way you did tells her you're going to turn out like those other guys, you acting like has just confirmed to her that's not lovable, that who she is fundamentally flawed and that when you see that this is a something that is in her that she can't change, then you'll do what the others did and just leave her. So she's closed herself off now and put her guard up. She might have been at the very beginning of opening up to you and warming to you, and you've probably just completely reset that now. Because she knows you're one of the guys that finds her drunken self not acceptable.
Again we go back to the vicious circle, all she wants is a guy to love her, a guy to love her for who she is and accept all her flaws but that drunken flirting thing is too much for any guy that truly likes her because we guys are quite territorial that way and also it is a step too far, it really hurts too.
If you really do like her and want to be with her then try and console yourself that she's like this, try and accept that it means nothing and is just drunken release. If you can trust her that she won't do anything more than just flirt then try and rebuild the bridges you've just broken.
What kind of sucks the most though and it's the one thing I've learned from the guys she's dated, is that with that level of flirting and the fact that it's guys that make moves, it only takes that girl one second to close her eyes or look away to find the guy who's flirting with her kissing her. Even though she stops them immediately, the fact she led them that far and put herself in that position was too much for some of the guys she dated. You don't lead a thirsty horse to water and not expect it to drink.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionmy definition of serious is a girlfriend that respects me and is someone I can fall in love with and just be happy with. I'm not looking to get married.
...............................
A
female
reader, pancakes rule  +, writes (30 December 2010):
 It's up to you. If you both really like each other, then it's worth giving the relationship another chance. I'd like to point out that since you're still quite young you don't need to be looking for something serious, although she says she has commitment issues, they can be fixed. Try being more casual in the relationship and see if it turns into something a bit more serious. But, if you want something more serious now and she doesn't, it may be in your better interest to break up, or even just to take a break for a bit to sort out what you really want from this relationship.
Good Luck
xx
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUPDATE!
* she is 26 years old with a good job and a child at home.
* she doesn't like to cuddle.
* she admitted to having "commitment" issues which I clearly defined as "intimacy" issues. Basically, she believes she can't fall in love.
* in the past week she has backed off kissing and affection (hugs). This caused an inadequate feeling that caused me to: see the below:
* I acted like a 6 year old child about the situation and she hasn't dumped me yet so maybe she really does like me. She says she does. She acts like it most of the time...
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2010): How old is she and has she had many serious relationships? You see if she's young 18-21 and inexperienced she might find this kind of thing normal. When drunk at least.
Talk to her about it, set some boundaries. I understand your anger and concern I would be too. But you have to see if this is something she can reign in.
If she knows this is unacceptable to you then she might make an effort to stop.
Unfortunately though man, the drunk us is not something we can really change. Everybody is a certain type of drunk. I'm sure you're old enough, have drank and partied enough to know what I mean. Some people get aggressive, some people are fun, some are mischievous, get too serious, talk about peoples life issues, flirt, sleep around. You know the thing and you know that it's our drunk thing.
This could be just her drunk thing, the thing she finds the most fun when drunk and the thing she likes to do most. Funnily enough I find girls that get outrageously flirty when drunk are very often the ones who are the most reserved when sober.
Thread carefully with this one, this kind of behaviour is not something you can tolerate, I tried before and it drove me mad. The girl I was seeing was young and she really thought nothing of it, that it was just a bit of fun. That the guys were just being friendly, but you and I know that's not how guys work.
The problem I had is that it upset her that she was acting in a way that was hurting me but couldn't stop, once she got to that level of drunk she just reverted to the flirt. She was basically addicted to male attention when drunk. She promised to never drink again but I couldn't make her make that kind of commitment because were only together two months. And what was she going to do for fun then? All her friends really did was party and drink, go out to clubs etc. I wouldn't have felt right about depriving her of that release or that time with her friends. Plus we live in Ireland, drinking is pretty much the only fun thing to do here.
Just remember man if this is who she is when drunk and she likes to drink regularly then you'll have to move on.
But give it a go first, sit down and discuss with her what exclusive means for you, ask her what it means for her and start setting your boundaries.
...............................
A
male
reader, Kilcardy +, writes (30 December 2010):
Y'know, there are so many other cool ladies out there who are secure enough in themselves to not have to flirt with every guy that falls within their eyesight. I can tell you right now, this girl, no matter how sweet and nice she is when she's sober, is trying to tell you something about how she really is. Listen to what she is saying. Read the signs and proceed accordingly.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2010): Unfortunatley, sometimes being in an "exclusive relationship" gives you just enough confidence to start flirting with strangers.
She is immature and using your relationship to boost her ego. She may confuse jealousy and anger as signs of true affection. She might be a drama queen and not know how to be a happy in a commited relationship because she finds it boring.
I say this all because I used to do exactly this sort of thing when I was a teenager.
I don't know how old she is, but you might consider moving on.
...............................
A
male
reader, LovelessAct1 +, writes (30 December 2010):
I'm seeing a pretty common denominator here: alcohol. Drinks usually ruin anyone's best judgment and it sounds like your girl is a bit of a flirt at heart, yet it only comes out when her defenses are down. Maybe spend less time at parties for a while. There's nothing wrong with celebrations or having a laugh with friends over some drinks, but if you're getting drunk all the time its only going to lead to wrong behavior. Keep her away from the partying as best you can and spend more quality time together.And yes, she did cross some lines, but if you want to remain in a good relationship its best for you not to hold grudges and forgive her in order to let you two move on from it on to better things. If you talk to her about the partying and about her flirting, be sincere and open. This will show her that she can be honest with you and that you are willing to forgive and forget as long as she stays true to you. If you lock up and become angry, it'll only lead to worse problems.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2010): What do I do? Bail out and move on?Yes.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2010): You had everyright to be angry that flirting was over the top! But with that said since you just starting seeing each other explain your bounderies and see if she is on the same page. Do what makes you happy if you like her talk it out. I agree with the ubove post if she keeps it up after a talk dump her she will not change.
...............................
A
female
reader, pancakes rule +, writes (29 December 2010):
I'd say, give her another chance after discussing the whole situation as maturely as possible, but if she flirts excessively with someone again after that then dump her.
It's not fair to you if she doesn't respect you and your feelings.
Good Luck
xx
...............................
|
