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age
41-50,
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writes: I am 29 and have been in an amazing, loving, fun relationship for 2 years. I have found my soulmate. I love him dearly and we have a wonderful time together. We have great sex, we laugh a lot, we have fun, he's very stable, attentive, generous...every one of my friends says I'm really lucky and I am. We have been abroad for a year ( for work) and it's still been great. Then I met this English guy. He's like the total opposite....no money, not a very good job, drinks a lot, isn't great looking, low morals but is charismatic and I've been charmed by him. The other day I was in his really grotty flat, and we kissed. It felt really intense and I was excited by it. Why am I doing this? I feel so guilty and would never leave my partner. I also know what he would never cheat on me. I don't know why I am doing this.I have a great sex life with my partner, so it can't be for that! Any advice would help me right now.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2008): To female anon from male anon. You raise an interesting question about life without integrity. Performing a fantasy role is fine but no substitute for the real thing. Everyone can admit that the most powerful emotion occurs in the initial months of a relationship after which the passion subsides. The point is that magonomy is a relatively new feature in human evolution given that the average life expectancy 100 years ago was 34 years old. Surely we should adapt to the extra years we enjoy through enjoying the experience of love whish afterall is the best experience in life.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2008): To male anon:
Yes, but life lived without integrity soon feels worthless.
Hello brain, it looks like those hormones are taking over again. Can you put on the brakes before this girl puts herself and her boyfriend through some pain?
Come on... it's the strangeness of the culture, the flirtation, and admit it, the accent. Mix up some drinks, have your boyfriend try to put on his best accent and make up a past, flirt and talk dirty with him. See if that helps.
If not, be honest with him and break up. He deserves a little fun too during his time abroad, don't be a selfish jerk and cheat on him so he doesn't even have the chance to date around himself.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2008): I can appreciate what you are going through as I have experienced a similar situation. Its easy to stand from the outside pass judgement on how morally wrong the affair is. However, a sign of deep passion is when your with someone and time feels like it stands still. You don’t think about the past or future and just live the moment when you are with the person. There is no logic involved and it is pure human emotion. I would suggest to enjoy these times as they are moments that will stay with you always. In time the feelings and passion will go away with life with your partner returning to normal. I think people are too moral sometimes and forget that life is for living.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (10 July 2008):
 I would suggest you sit alone, for a while, and think about why you're doing it. I know you came here looking for an answer, and, instead, I'm telling you to think about it yourself. I'm sorry, but only you can know why you're doing it. My guess is, there's something in this man that you don't find in the other one. Once you think hard why you do it, you will be able to address the problem and solve it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2008): You are not going to like what I have to say, but I am doing it to try and help you; not to upset you.
You are playing with FIRE and YOU are going to get BURNT.
Believe me; you are going to come back, crying with lots of tears; feelings of quilt and much more;
You have to STOP this "fling" with the other guy;
You are going to get more and more involved; ultimately you will become emotionally attached and then starts the pain and the hurt; emotional turmoil;
Your present partner deserves more then you running around, cheating behind his back;
Why don't you have the conversation about fantasies with your present partner; why don't you "spice" up your sex life with your present partner; suggest to him you would like to try something wild or weird;
I suggest you work on your present relationship;
BUT
You have to go and get counseling; there might be some deep rooted issues why you are attracted to this “bad” guy;
You have doubts; if you will be able to stay faithful;
I honestly suggest you go and get help; there is something far more the problem; it will happen again and again; see somebody to work through this with you;
In the meanwhile cancel the appointment with the other guy; you will regret it afterwards; you will live with GUILT and it will have an affect on your present relationship;
Alternatively, break up with your loving caring boyfriend; set him free and then go and sleep around; the fun and the novelty will wear off and THEN you will REGRET your actions; but it will be too late.
PLEASE, do see a counselor before it is too late;
Think about yourself, your dignity, your health and that of your present partner.
Give me a SMILE and go cancel that appointment.
Keep well, and good luck.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (9 July 2008):
 Try honesty. All the nice lip service you've said about your boyfriend add up to nothing, it's the same old song and dance. You're cheating and plan to take it further. Leave your soul mate. Do him a favour and give him his freedom. If he's a great as you say, he deserves it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2008): This is the perfect case of what a woman says she wants. i.e nice guy, what she really wants is the opposite.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2008): Another thing - if his flat is grotty, it's likely his foreskin is too.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (9 July 2008):
 Take Uncle Phil up on his offer (mighty nice of you by the way Uncle Phil, wink wink)and forget about this other guy. You are playing with fire and you'll get burnt. Don't risk everything for a couple twinges of pleasure.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2008): All I can say is that you'll regret it in the long run. If you want to talk dirty to a stranger PM me - I'll do you far less harm than the real life chappie!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question
I think I did want a" bit of rough" or something exciting. What I forgot to mention is that we have been talking about our fantasies, about what he wants to do to me..It actually does make me feel excited thinking about it. I would never want to be with him, and I have magic with my current partner but I guess it's something different. I still wonder if I will ever be able to stay faithful to him. I have already been arranging going round to this guys flat again. This time I think we will take things further.
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A
male
reader, Neboraic  +, writes (9 July 2008):
You need to evaluate your current man, he may fulfill all of the requirements of a boyfriend but if you dont feel magic, then you are missing out.
To counter my last arguement, the grotty magician ("the other man") may not be a great prospect. He may have magic but there is more to a relationship than magic and you shouldnt throw away what you have unless you are sure you could put up with the way he is. This guy does only one thing, provide magic. As an analogy when you buy a car you want it to do more than just drive. You want radio windshield wipers, heating...
Another thought i have is, no matter how great a relationship is, it will become routine and something new and exciting will come along. That may be the reason. Maybe the novelty will wear off and you will go back to normal.
My advice is, explore the grotty magician (and your feelings for him) without crossing any lines of infidelity, and make a decision afterwards.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2008): I can't say what's going on in your mind, or why you're doing this. Maybe you fancied a bit of rough for a change?
It's destined to send your loving relationship down the pan if you carry on thoguh!
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