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My wife's low sex drive is driving me crazy.

Tagged as: Marriage problems, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (8 November 2007) 77 Answers - (Newest, 21 August 2013)
A male Canada age 36-40, anonymous writes:

My wife and I have been married for 3 years now. We have a beautiful daughter together and for all intended purposes, our lives are great.

But we're not having sex. Well, not nearly enough, if you ask me.

We've been together 8 years now, and unfortunately, it's always been this way. I knew her in high school, and it wasn't until college that we finally got together. But in high school and for the first 3 years of college, she had earned herself a reputation. She had slept around quite a bit, and it seemed to me like she might have had a high sex drive then. But from the time we got together in our senior year in college, her sex drive diminished.

In me, she found love, and security and stability, and I can see that. And I love how she treats me, and I love how well we get along.

But for years now, I've felt undersexed and she thinks our sex life is perfectly fine.

For the past 8 years, we've had sex, on average, once a month. And I can't help but feel like she does that because she feels like she has an obligation to.

I thought, maybe it was because of the pregnancy, and our daughter entering our lives, but no...the 6 years prior to our daughter being born, she had no interest whatsoever in sex.

I thought it was me. I mean, who wouldn't think that? And I understand who she was, may not be who she is now (or who she REALLY was back then). I understand that maybe she was lonely and slept around to help fill a void in her life. I understand that maybe because I filled that void, she doesn't feel the need to "use" sex to get the love and affection that she needed.

But really, I'm still feeling unfulfilled.

In the past 8 years, I've tried everything. Weekend getaways to exotic places got me nothing. Romantic dinners, bubblebaths, nights out with her getting drunk with friends. Nothing. I have bought her gifts, I cook dinner every night, clean the house, do the laundry, raise our daughter and pay the bills. Nothing. I even tried ignoring her, and not talking about sex, hoping she would feel inspired and persue me for once. You know what that got me? 2 months without sex. So short of begging for it, I've tried every approach at least once. And I take my time building it up. I don't cook dinner, drink some wine with her, and expect to get laid that night. No, on the contrary, I'll do this (amongst other things...baths, massages, cuddling on the couch watching TV) for a few weeks straight, hoping to butter her up in the process. And after a few weeks of wining and dining, and subtle romance, I make my move. Nothing.

So the obvious questions are...how could someone who seemed to have a high(er) sex drive before, who persued men and had her share of casual sex become the polar opposite of what she was prior to us meeting? How can someone go from 20 partners a year to sex with the same person 10 times a year?

I'm not expecting an answer from anyone on the questions above. You don't know her, and it would take some time to get to know her and understand her. I'm just scraping the surface with this post. I mean she works a 9-5, goes to school part-time and has quite a commute to and from work. So I'm not doubting that she's tired. I understand this. My whole problem is that she has no desire. Even on the weekends, when we have all the free time in the world, she doesn't initiate anything, and doesn't give in to my advances.

I've discussed this with her openly a few times (usually once a year I get to the point of being so frustrated that I sit her down and explain how I feel about this). Every time we talk about this, she says (and does) the same thing. "Well, now that I know how much this means for you, I'll make more of an effort". And for 2 days straight, we'll have sex. Good sex too. And then after that, she goes back to being her regular, unaroused self. And I'll remind her every now and again about our talks, and she smiles and rolls over and goes to sleep.

I'm not looking to leave her. I love her deeply, and sex isn't everything in a relationship (though it is nice). And I have no complaints about her otherwise, and I don't want to find someone else or even go see a hooker.

I just want to get laid. If it were up to me, we'd be screwing like bunnies, daily. But for now, all I get is unenthusiastic lovemaking once a month.

So, what can I do to change this? To get what I want, for once? HELP!

View related questions: drunk, escort, no desire, sex drive, sex life

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A male reader, Bobaloo United States +, writes (21 August 2013):

OK I have a theory on this. Marriages are like trucks.

Say you want a new truck. You save and scrimp and do without to get that truck. You do whatever it takes to get it. You take on a second job to save money to buy the truck. You have a goal and you do what you need to get reach that goal. Well some woman, not all woman, have the same mentality.

When woman are little that are taught to go to school graduate find a man that can give you security, get married, get a house, have 2.5 kids, a car and vacations every year. That the goal. They do whatever they need to reach that goal which most definitely includes sex.

Just like your truck once you get the truck there is no need for the second job so you quit. After all you reached your goal. The same go for these women. They reached their goal set as a child and they feel great about it. Unfortunately like the truck you still have to maintain the vehicle so quitting your second job is not an option. So to keep the truck you have to keep the second job. Just because the truck is new does not mean that it doesn’t there is no up keep.

Just because you reached your goal you still have to work to keep it. The reason this makes sense to me is because if you leave your wife what is the first thing she does. She changes her hair, loses weight, goes to the gym and get tone, starts wearing makeup again, etc… Why? Because she has a new goal, find a man get married, etc... The virtuous cycle starts all over again.

Some women have broken this cycle some have not. The key is to find one that has either broken this virtuous cycle or has never had these goals in the first place. Until she realizes that her goal can be taken away, maybe she will go back to that second job. Or maybe she will just trade-in the truck for a new one that doesn’t need maintenance right away. The problem is everything need maintenance including marriages.

This is why I will lease my next truck and never buy again. The goal will never be reached but she will keep trying and trying.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2013):

I think the main problem is that we get bored of each other.

Healthy eating and lots of physical activity will give both more energy and desire for sex. Try hiking

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2013):

Omg..i thought i was the only one that was out here like that with the same problem but now i see im not ..ill tell you bro ..my wife is the same way in three years before my wife and i got together she had 49 sex partners in three years then she got with me and her sex drive is gone ..here is your answer ..your wife loves you and she knows with you its not all about sex ..she has gotten comfortable ..because she knows with you its not just about a nutt its more than that ..its love ..and take it from me dont get upset its not you ..its not her its just how being a husband goes ..you have to understand a woman wants it just as bad as we do ..but when a woman is comfortable she feels like her husband looks at her for who she is and not what she can do in bed ..see she has her attention ..so its no need to want sex all the time ..sit her doen and talk to her and let her make the move no matter how long it takes ..trust me if you do that she will see where she is lacking ..see the problem is that women are emotional creatures ..so when you add kids..work ..stress..bills it kills their sex drive because they worry..were as us men we need sex for us not to think about things of that nature at that time ..so give it time and dont give up on her ..trust me ..good things cums to those who wait ..a good friend in detroit michigan ..good luck

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2013):

Pumpkin seeds will boost her up

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2013):

I'm a woman married for 28 years two grown kids and a husband have never had a high sex drive but did have one and now it's just not there I feel fine and don't want to change it I have lots of friends that are the same way. One friend told her husband it's just like some people don't like potatoes , I don't like sex haha! I could live without it and I don't want to take drugs to Change it ..,I'm hoping with age my husband will stop wanting it !

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2013):

wow. its amazing how many ppl are in the same boat.

i too have given up on trying to initiate sex with my wife. like the previous response when (if) it ever happens it feels like pity sex.

She also says it hurts a little. she doesnt do oral (give/receive) and she only likes(does) one postion which is lying on her back so she does little as possible.

i have given up giving affection cos i feel so stupid being mocked for showing it. apart from a sexless marriage, mine has other issues. my wife wont go out, she doesnt trust me to go out with our daughter, she wont try new things, she thinks everything is a huge effort.

I am leaning towards running away from it all. it will be hard because of our daughter but im at wits end. i think she hates me. im not sure i want to be going on like this into my late thirtys because i want to live again. not feel like a third party in this household and have to beg for affection.

im sure i could go on all day about my problems but there are too many to list

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A male reader, Cuttered United States +, writes (5 March 2013):

I'm a guy in a sex starved Marriage. I'm a great husband and father (great great). Sex is on her terms. She only needs it when she's in heat. So it's maybe once a month. I don't function on once a month. She also uses it as a bargaining chip to get what she wants.

I'm busy. I work, I take care of kids, I fix things, I plan vacations.

I promised monogamy in exchange for sex from her. She yanked the sex, so that contract is rescindable. It now have 3 women I date on the side at any one time. At least one of these wants to have sex with me. Is this fair -- heck no! It's a lot of wasted effort on my part. Second beds, hours away from the kids, etc! I'm pissed. She broke the agreement and now I'm stuck in a partial solution. It's totally not fair.

So, my advise is for the sexless spouses -- you are being wicked -- stop it. You need to stop using sex as a tool or you can expect your spouse to get it else where.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2013):

As this topic is 6 years old, you either have this fixed, you are living with it or are divorced. Either way, I'm dealing with something similar.

I met my wife 11 years ago and we have been married for nearly 7. We have an 18 month old and she shows absolutely zero interest in me, I mean zero. Right from the time we met, she never had a high sex drive. She has said more than once that even back in her teens and twenties that she wouldn't masturbate more than a couple of times over 3-4 months. The only time we ever had a normal, active and regular sex life is when we were trying to conceive. Once that was successful, the tap turned off again. It's hard not to feel totally used.

She has been tested for everything under the sun, some hormone levels are slightly low but nothing that doctors say is low enough to treat or worry about. When I started to push for a solution to our issues, she now claims that sex "hurts" with condoms (our only real BC avenue as the pill unbalances her) and we don't want another child right now. I have always been the one to initiate sex, in the 12 years I have known her, she has never voluntarily touched me in a sexual way. If I want her to, I have to place her hand on me, usually she is trying to pull away, and if I'm successful, it doesn't last long. No oral sex is allowed (giving or receiving), sex when it happens, happens in the bedroom only, only 1 position, very little passion, she tries to carry on a regular conversation during sex (what we should do on the weekend, what happened to her at work etc).

Before I met her, I had an above average sex drive (and still do most of the time), I had a number of partners but was only with them if we were sexually active, and was romantic etc. Now, after all this time, I have pretty much given up. I used to buy flowers, go out for dinners, cook, cards, little gifts, romance, all for nothing. She is just not a romantic. Foreplay, cuddling, all gone. It's not appreciated. I have tried DVD's toys...nothing. I talk to her about her limits and what I want and need. I'm told that oral sex is "gross".

My sense of myself is pretty much shattered. I used to think of myself as a pretty good lover, but now I feel I'm just going through the motions to get off and nothing more. All the things I used to like to do are off limits. I tried a few things like others have. Most recently, just because I am so frustrated with our situation, I just quit trying to have sex with her completely. I don't touch her in any sexual way, only the random kiss, etc. I thought I would try to see how long she would let this go, if she would notice and if she would care. Well the answers are, almost 4 months of no sex, she hasn't mentioned anything about my lack of affection and it's sudden disappearance, and she doesn't seem to care. If anything, she seems perfectly happy that I'm not pawing her. What has resulted is that I feel even more resentful of her because of this, I feel distanced from her and before I used to be very turned on by her, now, I'm getting to the point that I am not sexually attracted to her much any longer.

So here I am. I feel like crap because now that she says sex hurts, I feel like a jerk forcing her to do something she doesn't like due to discomfort. She is happy with our current life. I now feel that if we do have sex, she's only doing it to placate me and because she feels she has to. That's a complete turn off for me. While we are looking into medical avenues in relation to sex hurting her, she said that even if it didn't, she still really doesn't have much of a sex drive. She's tired all the time and on and on. Funny, I vacuum, I cook, clean the house, do 90% of the laundry, maintain vehicles and the yard and let her sleep in on weekends, and during the week. I get up if our son is having a bad night because she just won't drag her butt out fast enough to help him. I rarely see my friends any more as I am home 90% of my life outside of work. If I'm away from the house, I'm working or doing errands. The more I do something to lessen the load on her and help out, the more it automatically becomes my job from now on and the more things she quits doing.

I figure that leaves me with some options.

1.) Talk to her again about our issues and how I'm feeling. Get the standard response "I have a low sex drive and it hurts." and "We will have sex this weekend, for sure." and wait for it not to happen again. I am used to the "I don't feel like it. I'll do it tomorrow." (Tomorrow NEVER comes), and all the other broken promises of things that will happen in our lives that she will do, only for them to never materialize.

2.) Suggest a divorce. To me, this is not really a viable option. We have a child, I love being with my wife, it seems that sex is our only real issue, otherwise things are pretty great. To threaten a divorce and not follow through is cruel and only shows that you are spineless if you don't complete it.

3.) Create an agreement that I am free to satisfy myself sexually outside of our marriage. (fat chance this will get approval)

4.) Cheat. I really don't want this. I would feel lousy about doing this to her but at this point, I am actually considering it if everything else fails. I don't want the hassle of a girlfriend and the inevitable complications that would come with one, and I have never paid for sex before in my life.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2013):

You guys are kidding right? How's your health? Work out often? Do other women notice you? Grey and overweight and out of shape? Small package? I'll bet you they have a higher mental sex drive for some other guys, that's for sure. Look, two ideas: lube and a new rabbit. That will change.. everything. Lose five pounds.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2013):

I feel your pain brother!

We've been married 15 years and lived together 2 and a half years before marriage. Before we married we had sex almost daily. I told her she would probably change after marriage, but she assured me she would not.

Guess what? About 3 years after marriage the sex dwindled from almost daily to weekly if I was lucky...man I long for the days of weekly. Now working on our 16th year we rarely have sex, usually once per month to 6 weeks between and she is rarely passionate about it.

Most of the time she says something like "if you want it you better hurry" beforehand, then during she is always rushing me saying "hurry up" and "are you close to finishing"!

Talk about a blow to the male ego.

And like you I have tried everything. She even showed me a little cartoon a few years ago of a dude in an apron doing house work with a caption that said "men who do more house work get laid more", so I tried this for about 6 months!

Guess what?

The sex decreased!

I've warned her that men don't just want sex, they need sex, and by denying me sex she is putting so much stress on our relationship. She seems to sympathize emotionally about this, bit nothing ever changes in the bedroom.

An odd thing happened a few years ago and I've never figured out what triggered it...she was seeking sex aggressively from me for about a week...I mean everyday and sometimes up to 4 times a day. Wish I could figure out what triggered that! Well good luck and I hope she comes around for you!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2013):

Personally for me I think your being done over to be honest. You sound like an ideal husband and yet it's getting you nowhere. It's such a difficult question or opinion to answer because everybodies different from what they want to medical issues. Ill answer with what works for me.

I've never had issues with my sex drive if anything I don't think he can handle me sometimes. We've been together for 10 years, married and have a son. He does the laundry and cleans too and we have allocated cooking nights but that's more because my time is so stretched with other duties that he helps out where he can.

This does absolutely nothing for me sexually, I appreciate it all but nothing that makes me want to jump on him. However like another male reader commented silly things like him lifting something heavy turns me on.

Him showing his masculinity really does the trick like being decisive and occasionally laying down the law and putting his foot down. The fact of the matter is that some women like the chase, like to have a 'bad boy' ( even though you know his not really) being rough. I suppose me and my husband are a bit immature as we play fight but mostly because it result it kissing and touching and well then you know what follows but like you say we are best friends also.

When my husband is so loving and smothering too much it's a massive turn off, I dot want a husband who is needy I need him to be dominant and in control. If anything when there was smothering I'd told him how that make me feel and that was; that he was only after one thing and told him instead of being like that tell me to get upstairs now, command intead of needy.

If I'm really not into it I told him I will say eff off ( in a joking way ) To think about it when he plays with our son by lifting him that makes me want him even more. A cheeky bum grab or random touch makes me feel wanted as does 'that' certain look from him that shows he wants me or is sexually attracted to me also makes me feel wanted that makes me want him more.

We have the different categories also ours are loving making which is the intimate slow intense stuff, sex which is more upbeat and feels naughty to ( sorry for my language) f#cking which is our completely hard inconsiderate session

I suppose what I'm saying is that I agree with the whole trying a different angle of attack. Be more dominant more in control and less considerate and less attempts because really guys we know when your doing stuff for sex. Some of my females friends don't put out an their guys are mad for it.

All of them tell me they dont like how needy they are in that department smothering them because they want their leg over. Obviously proceed with caution it could make things worse, really hope things work out for you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2013):

I have been on both sides of this situation, for several reasons, and I once had the reputation your wife once had. I think I can offer some insight.

First off, I've seen a lot of crappy advice here. For one thing, you should not simply accept that her libido is weaker and live with it. There are two libidos in this relationship, and no reason why one should have more weight than the other.

That is one-sided. You have made a commitment to her that you will only sleep with her, and it isn't right for her to expect you to keep that kind of commitment while not getting your needs met. There needs to be more compromise.

Second off, if you take some of the other advice to mistreat her or cheat on her, you will only be making it worse. You will hurt her. It would be better to leave her, which you state is not an option, so moving on...

Part of the reputation she once had may still be causing her grief. There were probably issues of self-worth that pushed her down that road, and from experience I can say that it only makes it worse. Even though she allowed it, there were people who were using her body. She probably still associates sex with that feeling. You're goal should be to make her feel cherished, valued, precious, and adored.

That being said, be careful not to lose your masculinity in it. Men are constantly complaining that women like jerks. I think a lot of them are getting confused between nice and feminine. If you're a jerk, she will get hurt and resent you, and be uninterested in sex. If you are a push-over, and not masculine enough, she wont feel chemistry.

Is she in to anything active? Studies show that doing something active, and anything that increases adrenalin, followed by eye contact will release chemicals in the brain to create that kind of chemistry one often experiences in the beginning. How about laser tag followed by dinner and drinks? A scary movie? Roller skating? Water slides? Do something exciting.

Aside from that, consider these things: Past hurts that she can't let go of, hormone imbalances (PCOD is common in women), medications, lack of sleep. You should not feel guilty asking her to see a doctor about it. Tell her that having a sex life is important to you, and you committed to only having that with her.

You need her to find out what is going on, and it will improve the relationship for both of you. You aren't expecting it every day, but just want her desire to increase so she can enjoy it with you sometimes, and to reach some sort of compromise so that if there remains a difference...you are both making equal sacrifices for one another.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2013):

Please listen up fellow men!

So many of you have the same issue here. What frustrates me even more is that the guy who started the post said it has gotten worse!

The thing is, with all respect females, you don't always know what turns you on. I cannot believe women with a low sex-drive who haven't solved this issue keep giving advice here. YOU HAVEN'T SOLVED IT!!

And guys too! If you haven't solved the issue, why are you giving advice? Stop it!

Well I am on my way of solving the issue. Things are getting much better, so here goes!

Some girls get turned on by her man doing the dishes, taking care of the kids, putting notes on her pillow, etc.

But this man's wife does NOT!! So NO, he is not doing everything right! He is doing EVERYTHING wrong!! Lets look at the facts. His wife's sex-life is deteriorating right? What has he tried?

Being the nicest, sweetest, best husband ever.. Does this work? NO!!! What does he do next? Tries to be even nicer, sweeter, take better care of the kids, do the dishes even more.. But he is trying MORE of the SAME thing that DID NOT WORK!! That is insane!! He should do the complete opposite of what he is doing and see what happens. He should try to ignore the kids, don't do the dishes, don't leave notes, don't tell her he loves her. Then see what happens..

Guys, let me ask you: what have you tried? How did that work for you? If it didn't work then at least don't do that anymore!

What would be the complete opposite of everything you have tried. Something that in your current logic sounds ridiculous. Then try that!! I swear to God if you do not see some changes in your wife, then let us all know. And if you do, please let us know too!

Often we trick ourselves to thinking we have tried everything, when the truth is you have actually tried more of the same category of things! Like the original poster who thinks he has tried everything, but they are all in the same category of things he thinks will help. Like being nice and showing love in a 100 different ways, but it's not working.

When you say you have tried everything, you are lying to yourself.

When people give advice like: "If you have tried talking to her, you need to talk to her even more", that is completely against all logic!

Don't try harder, try smarter. If you have tried smarter, try stupider. Try completely random things you can come up with and see if that has any effect, because whatever you're currently doing is definitely not working.

Some more questions to ask yourselves fellow men (and I am guilty of these too at times!)

- Do or did you ever make your wife feel bad about being sexual? Did you condone her previous promiscuity? How would you feel if you got judged for being too horny at some point? Really bad right? Bad for your sexual confidence and self-esteem? Well guess how she feels! Of course it ruins her sexual appetite! Are you calling other women sluts in front of her? Judging others sexuality can really make her feel bad because she is afraid of being judged by you too for her sexual needs.

- How masculine are you being right now? Are you working out? Doing some martial arts, or another sport? Hanging out at a club or bar with some male friends? I think this is key for many of us! These are some things differentiates our behavior before and after marriage, when things go south for many.

- When did you last turn on your wife? And I don't mean in bed. If you cannot think of any, think of the beginning of your relationship! Did she give you any clue as to what turns her on? My long term girlfriend told me the other day I made her wet when I showed how strong I was by lifting her grocery bags showing my strength. Well I guess that turns her on. Become an expert on picking up on these subtle cues she might give you day-to-day, and figure out her sexuality. She often might be to embarrassed to explore it herself.

- Every wife/girlfriend is different! But her sex-drive is psychological in most cases. And there is certainly something you can do about it other than leaving or giving her drugs or vitamins! Look for advice online of people who have already solved this issue, men and women. Those provide the best clues!

- Lastly, how sexually appealing is your bedroom? Do you have soft lighting, clean sheets, no clutter? This matters a lot more for women than for guys. This has worked really well for me! Also, make sure the room is warm enough to be comfortable naked.

I hope this will help a lot of you! Sex is the best thing in the world for a lot of men, and women, and some times psychological forces are at play we are not aware of. Pay attention. Be open-minded and questioning and you will find a solution. I'm sure there are hundreds of men and women out there who have solved this issue and are dying to help others. Google all possible relevant questions you can think of to help out! and lastly: You have NEVER tried Everything!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2013):

I am 41 and just recently got married back in October of 2012. My sex drive was low before we got married but since our marriage it has gotten worse. I do not withhold sex form him when he makes advances. I think I have a medical condition that is holding me back. I love my husband dearly but the desire is not there. I will be goning to the ob/gyn soon to discuss this situation soon and I hope that will get me back on track.

To the guy that made this post I feel she should know that something is wrong and go to her doctor and discuss her situation with him/her. I know that it is all me and not him and I love him enough to fix what is broken. I hope she does the same.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2013):

From a wife who also has what my husband call a "complete lack of interest" in sex, I don't feel anything you say or do is going to increase her sex drive, but you can by pressuring her make it worse. Some women just have a higher sex drive for whatever reason. My husband and I have the same problems as what you describe however there are a few major variances (date rape as a teenager, medical problems, and ex-husband that had no boundries in marriage) but at least in our relationship, it's the combination of not spending any time together, constant subject of sex with discussion why i don't desire it, work, kids, housework, and fighting that further decrease my sex drive.

I am not sure if you bring the subject up multiple times a week or if it's just once a month, but if you are trying to talk to her all the time about it, stop! She knows something is wrong, and by bringing it up repeatedly, you are keeping her lack or sex drive or "failure" in her marriage in her thoughts constantly. Whether intensional or not, it's only going to make it worse, by pointing out that she has failed in this area of her life.

Don't pressure her or remind her of your needs and don't fight over it either, again it points out failure and if she knows she is failing at something she will try at first to improve (even if it is only for your sake and not because she desires it) but it the pressure continues she will eventually give up and this will only put even more of a wedge in your relationship.

Also, when you do have sex, be happy with it and don't automatically assume or hope that the frequence will automatically jump into gear and start increasing. Maybe it will but maybe it won't, either way if you bring it up and get mad or ask "didn't you like it", "wasn't it good", ect, it becomes a pattern and again shows her she is failing.

Lastly, remember everyone's sex drive is different, for whatever reason, do you just want to have sex to have sex or do you want there to be a connection when you do. I've tried it in the past just having sex with my husband just to fulfill his needs and he can tell the difference, which starts the whole discussion about it not feeling right and what is going on. It was very painful for me to have to tell him i really wasn't desiring it but it was for him, which i received the answer of he didn't want me to do it because it didn't give him the same level of satisfaction, so either way what's the point.

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A male reader, goraw United States +, writes (29 April 2012):

Thank you for your post. One thing I would seriously advise is to pay attention to your diets, as well as get an excercise routine.

They may really change libidos in you both.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2012):

I'm a guy, and see this as a good thing, it bothered me n a previous relationship, but with my current relationship I actually see it as a good thing, if you need to simply satisfy yourself using the internet (don't cheat on her) and after a while you'll wonder why you were complaining

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2012):

Hihi boys )))

Low libido is in girl's heads. We are good wifes and this our curse as well bacause all day we are thinking about care, job, coocking, make up, dresses, kids and also other thousands things.

There is no motive to think about sex! We are cold and focused on our duties. All your kisses touches our soules but not the body. ))) They must be but it's not the solution )

I had some improvement in libido when I suddenly got that sex will help me to relax... It was Great Discovering! That I should be intersted in sex as well as a man because I have bonuses too. That was a big step.

You beeing a good husbands or partners in many cases could ruine our sexual desires by your demands and superstitions. Like "girls should always have orgasms or I am a bad guy". Or that "different sex positions are good otherwise it's not a sex at all". You see that the girl should be ready physically to have sex with you. If you have ever criticized your wife in sex comparing with sluts from internet or movies then I am not surprised that she is prefer to be without sex. It kills desire on 100%. Just think what you demand from her and where you got it. I read here that some men have good sex with girls which they don't want as wife. That's the answer for them. Our behaviour in our characters too.

A lot of girls will agree with me if they have courage but there are a lot of people will say that they are fishes.

The main idea that the girl should be awere about her bonuses and have it really. Then she will desire sex as well as man. You can make improvements in your behaviour but carefully. I hope it helps.

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A male reader, Wayne Murphy South Africa +, writes (5 April 2012):

Hi Mate

I have the same story as yours. I am married for 5 yrs now with one kid. My wife doesn't want to have sex. Whenever i make any advances to her she says she has a lot of things to be done like cooking, cleaning, laundry etc etc...other reasons for not having a sex is that she is very tired and says we shall have sex on the weekend. I keep waiting and waiting and when the weekend arrives the same story is back again. After we have a fight over this, she feels guilty and wanst to have sex as a duty.

Sometimes i feel, i should also loose all my sexual desires. As i am not sexually satisfied, i tend look at other womens as a hungry begger who hasn't had food for many days. I feel so bad about myself that i have become a slave of this sexual desire.

I have thought several times to have an extra martial affair to satisfy myself but my morals do not allow it. I can't quit my marriage as i have a son to look after and my morals do not allow that either. I masterbate 2-3 time a week but still not satisfied. The problem being in a sex starved marriage is that i am no longer a goal oriented individual who like to live life to its fullest. I am not emotinally attached to my wife either but she does look after me except for sex.

I was a virgin before marriage and had never even materated. I love my time then as ignorance was bliss.

I help my wife in all house hold work so she is not so tired to not have sex. I am good looking and handsome too. But nothing seems to work. My Sexual desire gets so strong that it is very difficult to control it.

When i tell her we should go for some counselling session or got to a Doctor, she blames me for her low sexual desires beacuse of quarrels we have among ourselves and that i dont take her out for overseas travel etc.

I dont know what to do. Looks like the life will continue like this.

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A male reader, hungry4sex Uganda +, writes (18 April 2011):

My dear,

I am in exactly a similar situation. Everything you said perfectly describes my situation except for the fact that in my case, my wife was a virgin at marriage unlike yours who you say had made a name on the sexual scene at school.

Now quick advice.....just go fuck someonelse! There is NO AMOUNT of anything that can change her. Even when you talk about it, she will try to help you and go out of her way to do the best to fuck you but the harder she tries, the more you will realise that she cant be what you desire. It will actually annoy and frustrate bopth of you as she tries her best and yet her best will still not be your idea of sexual fulfillment. having tried everything you ve said and failed, i resorted to looking "outside the box". In so doing i have been laid over and over again and particularly i met this woman whose sex was just created for me. Apparently she cannot qualify to be my wife because my wife beats her at every other aspect of life except sex and sexual appeal. So i ve settled to that, let my wife be all the good she is, and let my side dish give me all the sex and we are all happy

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2011):

I had same thing slightly different. I did leave her because she was never going to get close to me or be attached to me. sounds like the sex she had in college made her realize that it had nothing to do with intimacy so she's either A) dissociated intimacy and likes to cuddle and no need for sex or B) not close to you and does not want to get close to you.

I know that when I finally was serious and told my ex that I was leaving it put her sex drive on and there was a few good ones before she moved out opposed to the old "alright get it over with".

I think that you need to turn the affection tap off (don't act like a jerk) but I wouldnt give her the time of day. take the daughter to parks and movies by yourselves and let her digest that one.

You dont need her and she needs to realize that.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2011):

Dude,

I am in the same situation myself. I agree with Sugarbuns+ : nothing will get you out of this. No amount of sex/couples therapy, etc. will restore her sex drive. Get divorced, and find a woman who finds you sexually attractive and keep her wondering and do not marry her.

A

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2011):

I was in a similar situation and after not having sex for some time I decided to stop waiting and had sex with some else.

I told my wife what I was going to do and she looked horrified as said good bye to her and walked out the door to go and meet another woman.

The sex was great and I dont regret anything.

Things became complicated and the other woman broke things off. it was a pitty as I enjoyed her company and she was inspiring to be with.

My wife got extremely angry and it was some time before we could speak about what had happened.

Several nights later she walked up to me asked me if I wanted to fuck her(her words) and we had a great night in bed. Things seemed to improve and for a few years we got on well and had sex as often as we liked.

After a few inspired years, things are slipping back to the old way of no sex again.

I have no advice other than time passes and life is too short to live with regrets. Maybe a conversation with your wife about the choice you have may be in order.

Dont wait, have the conversation today.

Good Luck!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2011):

I hope any of this helps anyone:

- Involve into sport (this will boost her body).

- Read about hormones: estrogen and testosterone. There are also hormone plants.

- aphrodisiacs, but pay attention to used substances.

- sex shop might provide ideas.

- Read about vitamins (some aphrodisiacs use Vitamin C.) and minerals (Magnesium provides mind/stress equilibrium).

- Go to pubs/bars/clubs. This will make you both fill younger.

- Give her time to herself to miss you.

- Maybe there is something that turns her on (like a black shirt, red lingerie etc )

- I don't believe relaxing activities helps. Like massage. It will relax her body to much.

- Do not eat big before.

- Use wine.

- Take care she doesn't accumulate stress. Set her mind on positive stuff. You need to forget sometimes about the daily work around the house.

- Take care of your body to look fresh and sexy.

- Take care of your mind. This can affect a lot. I question her love before sex but after I feel she loves me. pretty silly.

- Of course don't mix these with everyday stuff. Let her mind know these are only for special occasions.

- TV and movies are killing romance.

- Do not do all the work in the house. You are together in this.

- Discussion on this topic might not help. Her mind will fight against the idea of a schedule/obligation.

- Pay attention if she is low/high in some periods of the month. make advantage of this:). this may be according to menstruation. go back to hormones.

- Pray your god for the right things, not sex:)

Sorry for my English.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2011):

Wow, you sound EXACTLY as if this were me writing your situation!! I don't need to repeat anything, really. I will say that my wife and I don't communicate very well in the first place. This takes a lot of effort, but otherwise we have 4 kids and virtually no sex. We have his and her laptops, 2 couches, I'm sleeping and she's up. I'm up early and she's sleeping, we are like two separate people living under the same roof. I don't know if we have grown apart or what the deal is but she slept with many men prior to us meeting so I figured she was a high sex-drive girl just as you did with your wife, I believe she was looking for love (in all the wrong places?? LOL) and now that I have committed ... it almost seems the sex is not needed. We have been together for almost 15 years now. It is sheer madness for me - especially when I get hit-on almost regularly, and these women know I am married, but they are hoping I will see something 'greener on the other side' and leave what I have. Some of their propositions are very tempting but I need more information before making any serious moves. I'm glad I stumbled across this page, I have yet to read the replies - maybe there is some good insight here!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2011):

I can sympathize as well, but must admit that I should consider myself lucky, I guess. My wife has sex with me 3 times a week or so, maybe every other night if we are both on vacation. We are both almost 50, so I guess I should be happy that I get it this often. The problem is that it feels like she is just tolerating it. Also, when we got together years ago, it was a wild and varied buffet, different positions all the time, 10 - 15 times a week, etc. For years now, she will only do it missionary style, so I am dying for other positions. Also, the oral sex is very quick. Everything is like she is just checking it off the requirements list. Then afterwards, she just wipes off, rolls over, and goes to sleep; every time. I am very frustrated by this but guess I should consider myself lucky to get even unenthusiastic sex this often. Plus my wife is still very attractive and has a hot and sexy body; looks many years younger (i.e.: 10 - 15). I saw Chris Rock on TV recently. He said "women can't go backwards in lifestyle, and men can't go backwards sexually." I think that is very true and why I am frustrated. I have been to the moon and back many times sexually in my life, but all I have to look forward to for the rest of my life is plain and simple, unenthusiastic sex..

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2011):

I'll just chime in here friend. The early days, sex was pretty much taken for granted. Once the kids started coming, not so much. Now we're 20+ years together, well once a month would be a big deal.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2011):

I have same problem,my wife has no sex drive,and allways tired,if i bring up it im in the wrong,or i get ok i do it,i dont want it like that at all,shes on tablets for deppression,it has been like this for about 3 years,dnt get me wrong everyone has there arguements,i think the world of her,she goes out with her freinds all dolled up so i make plenty of comments of how good she looks,when i come home from work i help with our two boys,bathing,putting them to bed and washing,im not trying to portray her as a cow,we av bin together for 6 years,she put on some weight what she didnt like,so she got a complex bout that,but on my part i think she is looking sexy,i just dont av a clue what to do ive said id go to our docs with her, but no joy,the last thing id want to do is leave my wife and kids.i wouldnt care if it was once every two weeks it would be a start,plus im sure it isnt another bloke.

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A male reader, leroybrown Nicaragua +, writes (25 September 2010):

i have never been an easy person. i also have an extremely high testosterone level. before i married my wife, i was with 2 or 3 different girls a day. those were good days. normal days were just one gal. i still enjoy those odd encounters but they leave me feeling bad and they are inconvenient. i married the good girl that i knew would never leave me and now i'm in the same boat as the rest of you. in the past i infrequently had violent sex with my partner for various reasons(teach her a lesson ect...). i love my wife and can't bring myself to do that. mostly because i know she would hate it. she likes to make love once a week, and that's just fine by me. unfortunately i need sex 2 or 3 times a day. i know this is unreasonable for most people, but i would settle for a quickie in the morning, or a little doggie before bed. i really liked the post about exercise. but that won't change her to be more like me. i am not considering divorce so i guess my best option is to get a hot maid or an office with a secretary.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2010):

Honestly, I'm reading this because I'm drinking a bear after about an hour of self loathing & a strong sense of depression. I'm not a drunk & a beer isn't what I really want. What I want is to have a real "sex life", to know that my wife doesn't just "tolerate" sex because it's her wifely dutey or something, to know that she could actually enjoy it with some sort of consistancy, & to know that she's aware that it drives me crazey how much she'd rather sleep than enjoy sex or the ability to please her man.

I like some other readers was a virgin before marraige as well as my wife. She was too. While dating she had a strong libido, but marraige took a different turn. She has a physical situation that we were both unaware of prior to marraige that causes some pain during sex. The result is that she has doesn't enjoy it like I do. She used to wear longiere at least & we'd do a lot of things leading up to it that still made it possible. Now we have three kids. I work a lot. She works part time. We both do our fair share of child rearing & house work. She also is doing college part time. We both get tired. So, I let her sleep in when possible. I do what I can around the house. I help with the kids as much as possible to the point that I loose my mind. At the end of the day, we both have our share of frustrations & tiredness. The difference is that I put on music, massage her almost every time (except when she just wants to get it over with), try to make things different, and focus on her, but I can't help the driving feeling that we do it just to get it over with. Even when she can enjoy it, she never really initiates it or makes me realise that she wants it. The result is that I'm left feeling selfish for having a sex drive, struggle with bitterness that she doesent' initiate other things than just sex that may at least help me feel she's interested in pleasing me sexually. I actually prayed tonight that God would either remove my balls or give me a real sex life, because I'm left dreaming that she's into me sexually and even taking care of myself with thoughts that she wants me. I have a hard time with the reality that sex just feels like it gets in the way of marraige. She makes me feel like she's into me all day with the way she talks, moves, and kisses, and at the end of the day just wants to sleep with no sign I can find that she wants me. A life of sex is very important in marraige no matter what the physical issues may be. Ladies, there are plenty of things that can be done mutually that will let each one be fulfulled and leave the husband with no question that his wife feels his sex drive is both acceptable and OK. Otherwise, he'll struggle with thoughts he doesn't want, struggle with random strong depression, and end up writing an article about his unclear depression on the internet to complete strangers. Men, I have no advise other than stay faithfull to your wife whether she's into you sexually or not and hopefully God will answere your prayer like I wish He'd answere mine. God bless and get lucky with your wife!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2010):

Hi there, I have really enjoyed reading your post. It seems like you have quite a problem on your hands. It seems to me you are doing all the right things with absolutely bo results. I am a wife and mother of two and admit that there are times when my sex drive is low and i am to tired to comply with my always arroused husband. But saying that, my husband rarely if ever puts the kind of effort that you clearly are into our relationship, (I am actually feeling quite jipped as a wife reading what you do). When he does put effort in it almost always works.

I am afraid there is probably no easy answer for you and seeing as you have talked to her there is not much else you can do on that front. I suggest that you both go see a sex/relationship therapist or she goes to see a doctor. You cannot go your whole marriage sexually unsatisfied and you should not have too. YOu seem like a loving adoring husband and I'm sure she will feel better talking to a doctor so she can get some solution to her problem. They have creams and pills to help ladies to now! Good luck, I hope this helps a bit.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2010):

Looking at the many internet postings from women seeking help for the loss of their libido, we husbands have to accept that it is natural for some women to lose their libido in the late 20s or 30s onwards. It’s like balding or menopause, no amount of flowers or household chore-sharing will help. I've had a heart-to-heart chat with my wife and she has admitted that she's got no sex drive & she's got no idea why. I'm only in my mid 30s. The question then is how to face up to this reality.

For me, I have 2 wonderful young kids to think about. But the options are:

1. Remain very unhappy with the lack of sex in the relationship, focus on the kids and perhaps I will be erectile dysfunctional when I am older so this won’t be an issue anymore.

2. Divorce now.

3. Divorce later when the kids are grown up.

At times, it's easy to feel depressed or frustrated cos I wonder whether my wife will still have 'no sex drive' if I look like Brad Pitt or if my bank account is like Bill Gates'. I also feel frustrated when I see my wife put in 110% in her career, parties for friends etc but can't even be bothered to google about why she has no sex drive when she knows it's affecting me.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2010):

Listen bud ,I been married 32 years and we love sex and have 3 girls and was good for about 24 years the last 6 I feel like she does it just to pleas me .She was a so horny before,and now once a month is more like it for her we love each other and don't cheat she is a home girl. And what I don't get is every where we go ladies will say to her he's a hansom guy and she gets jealous and its because I have a great personalty not my looks .So I hope when she gets home she will rape me but never happens so Like me get use to if we just have to suffer. Joe

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2010):

hi , i am also the wife of a very frustrated husband. We have been married for 16 years and he was always highly sexed, me on the other hand was on the low side , i had a hysterectomy at 36 because of ongoing problems, it has since taken away the pain i used to feel with sex but i just don't have any libido. i try to explain to my hubby this but i honestly think he doesn't believe me anymore, he becomes aggressive and shouts his frustrations at me and inside i am dying because how can i give him something that i cannot find inside me, i sometimes ask for some together time not having sex so that i can feel closer to him ,but he later expects sex and the problem starts all over again. The crazy thing is that the sex that we do have is awsome , everytime there is no need ever to fake it , he satifys me , always, why am i like this?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2010):

AN OVERLOOKED TRUTH, A GIANT MYTH, AND SOME GREAT ADVICE:

I totally get what's being said here. I have been married for 6 months. My wife and I decided to go the route of not having sex before marriage. It was hard (literally and figuratively) and while we never actually had sex, we had our fair share of trists. She exclaimed the entire time that she had a healthy sexual appetite- and everything she did pointed to that as a truth.

Then we got married. We took a short honeymoon. It was great. Then we got home. And BAM!!!! It nearly stopped. It happens maybe once a week (which after reading through this, I feel rather lucky). But here's the thing, especially as newlyweds, I want it twice a day. Three on Sundays. Which still means that I want it nearly 1600% more often than she does. We're not really matched up in that way.

I honestly feel extremely lied to and let down since she kept saying she has this amazing libido. She claims that its cause she's so exhausted from work and has to be relaxed.

To her credit, we did take a real honeymoon a month ago, 2 great weeks on a cruise. It took her 3 days to relax enough, but she really got into it and it was happening multiple times a day for a while.

But enough about that- I've got what I believe is an Overlooked Truth, a Giant Misconception, and some Great Advice that I have come to believe in and wish my own wife would take to heart.

AN OVERLOOKED TRUTH:

Everytime I try to talk to my wife about our "problem," she gets this hopeless look in her eye, exclaims that its not what she planned or what she wanted. It's just the way it is. What I have come to believe is that she is just as miserable about it as I am. The difference is that I wake up in the morning and go to bed at night with a raging hard on and nothing to do about it except for help myself out (which is not something I'm trying to do). Don't forget that guys (or gals), your partner hates it as much as you do- they just aren't walking around with raging hormones.

THE MISCONCEPTION:

We are taught in our society that no one should have to do anything they don't want to do. And while I generally agree with this, i don't think its true in marriage. The whole point of marriage/relationship is to be about someone else, not yourself. That's the way it works best. You thinking each other above yourself.

SOME GREAT ADVICE::

I think it is a gregious error to say that whoever has the lower sex drive is the one the couple should accomodate to. Even the Bible says don't say no to one another, to specifically take care of each other's sexual needs (I Cor. 7 if your interested). Instead, and I mean this whole-heartedly...if you find yourself on the lower side of a sex drive, buck up and take care of business. As a side note: I'll bet you'll find your sex drive grows. (It doesn't count if you agree to it in word and deed, but you make sure they know that you aren't into it).

Now, here's the other side of this advice, and I'm still struggling with this one, but I believe it to be true. As the one with the higher sex drive, I can't command, expect, or coerce my wife into having sex with me. That whole thing about being about someone else...it works both ways. If I know my wife isn't feeling it or has had a hard day and just wants to go to sleep, I need to be understanding and accomodating.

Here's the thing to remember- every single one of us, male or female are really jacked up, selfish people at our core. That's what makes marriage hard. Its such an institution of The Other that its hard to get over yourself and focus on the other person.

In the end, I would tell the person who has a lower libido- just do it. Fake it, whatever it takes. Take care of business. You have no idea the effects of saying no and slapping away the hand of your has on your partners sense of value and self-worth.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2010):

First of all I'm sorry for the agony you are in. I understand because I am the low sexed drive wife in a marraige of 8 years.

If it's any consolation, it's terrible being on the low sex drive end as well. It tears me up that I cause so much pain and anquish for my husband.

Problem is you just can't "fake" that part of your life. You can go through the motions of doing dishes, laundry, going to your kids soccer games or even going to work without really enjoying any of it, but you just cannot fake enjoying sex. First of all, physically if you don't have a desire then the whole act is not comftorable if you know what I mean.

I'm beginning to tackle this problem and think it boils down to that I've put all of my effort into raising my kids and having happy children. The responsibility of raising other people has been mentally very daunting for me. I've put my husband on the back burner. Why because when the kids are young something has to give as far as where I could spread my time. I knew he could and should be able to take second seat. Well now that the children are a bit older and don't require as much even though they still require quite a bit, mentally I've gotten so used to that behavior that it's very hard to change. I do not even feel like a sexaul being anymore. I told my husband that I didn't care if he was Brad Pitt, the situation would be the same. Meaning it's not him, it's me.

But honestly I think it will take the two of us working together not both inside and outside of the bedroom to get back to a healthy sexual life. I saw an Oprah episode with Dr Laura Berman and what she had to say really rang true. She had many good points so look her up and get her book. One point which is true for me is that because I've taken control of the household, and I kind of control my husband when it comes to the household, I don't see him as the strong in-charge person as I used to before kids and marraige. So I need to let him take control back a bit.

To the original poster, I see that you step up to the plate to take some of the responsibilites of the household and that is awesome - keep that up. What I also see is by you not making an issue of the lack of sex but once a year you are causing more harm than good. You are letting her "off the hook". Keep on her about it! She needs to buy into the problem as much as you in order to get it solved.

To the other men who have posted things like: she works, and raises the children and takes care of the house, I guess she's just stressed. Well wake up!!! Take some of the stress off. Take on some even alot of the chores! And not just once or twice... on a regular basis. If you wan't something, you have to give something!!!

So there it is from the overwhelmed wife's perspective!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2010):

Reading your story, and the stories of all the men here, breaks my heart. I am female, married a long time and would never, never reject my husband for sex. We do occasionally ask each other for a "rain check" if one of us is really tired, not feeling well, or has to work super early.

There is a lot I could say here, but I'll keep it simple...LADIES...your husband needs sex with you, regular, passionate sex, and if he doesn't get it, yes, he probably will cheat. I don't condone cheating in any way, shape or form, but when you condemn your man to a life on enforced abstinence, what do you expect? And I am not excusing serial cheaters; they are scum.

Wives need to set aside all the other cr*p and put their husbands first, and not just in the bedroom. Which would you rather *do*, laundry or your husband? lol

Seriously, though, to the OP...do not cheat on your wife. Sit her down again, and make sure she understands that you not only love her, but that you are in love with her, and because of that, you need to MAKE love to her. She has no right to withhold something that is so important in a relationship, and is a legitimate need of yours. If she doesn't take you seriously, and make changes, yes, you probably should leave, because it won't get better. If she truly loves you, she will want to make you happy.

If it's a medical or mental thing, she needs to agree to get that treated also. Don't let her use that as an excuse. Best of luck to you.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2010):

Im in the same boat as you are. Ive been married for 12 years and some times i think i married a nun. Im to the point where i need to consider letting he know how i feel and will start looking other places. Sex is a huge part of a marriage and i might be wrong but once a month don't cut it.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2010):

hi all, having reading all of your responces and being 26 3 year relationship i feal all your pain.

i have a very high sex drive i need it aleast 1 time a day, when my misses only needs it 1/2 times a week.

what i have learnt is to just look after myself daily and if i get some it is a bonus. one problem being i fear that i am becomming addicted to porn.

i dont know if i can take it it drops any lover than that, i find myself looking at other women. i do not want to cheat on my misses and will not, i have had the opportunity but love my miesses

but could i truthfully say that after years of only having it once a month i would do the same, i cannot.

i have spoke to her and she says that she just doesnt feel like it....... i do find that when i decrease her stress i do get some loving, but i guess it is just expectation management, as if you decrease her stress i.e keep the house clean you have to stop doing it after you have got some to show the difference to her and make her appiciate it.

by nature humans are lazy, and will follow the course with least resistance so if you continually do something it loses its shine.

i doubt that this will help anyone but i have got something off my chest.

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A male reader, Zygmunt Canada +, writes (16 June 2010):

Wow. After reading your note and the many postings, I'm reminded that this isn't all that an uncommon situation. Simply put, in relationships there are ups and downs. In this case, with the sex life, I can only say that you need to address this.

Ask yourself: Are you willing to live like this for the rest of your life?

If your answer is no, then both of you have to do something about this. I don't like generalities when it comes to things like this because you yourself are not a statistic, but rather a person who has feelings and desires. Like you, your wife has the same too.

You need to get some counseling for the two of you. It may be that you start going on your own, but in the end, it requires the two of you to be actively going to counseling.

Its not fair for you to be left with the burden of doing most of cooking, etc. and find that she just doesn't have time for you intimately. Eventually, you'll find yourself in a situation where you feel a lot of resentment. You'll feel that you're busting your butt doing all this work and getting little or nothing out of it.

Bottom line, a partnership is a partnership. You both came into the relationship knowing what the other person is like. You welcomed your partners strengths, their features, their good sides, etc. You also accepted their baggage, their flaws, etc.

Long after the the "new car" feeling has left the relationship lies a relationship that needs nuturing, tending to, etc. As I see it, a fire goes out if you do not put wood on it. Gardens do not flourish if you do not tend to them. And if you are doing this together in a partnership, it needs both members to put in here.

Communication is only one part of it. There has to be a willingness to do things, and by saying that I mean actual effort has to be made and not just lip service.

The obligatory sex for 2 days and then going away just doesn't cut it.

Counseling brings in opportunities for you to express your feelings. And here, you have to be honest with yourself. Don't sugar coat things, and at the same time have some restraint when you speak of things.

For me, years ago, I was married to someone who's libido started dying down the further we went in our relationship. We had many heart-to-heart chats on this subject. I was honest with her. She came forward to me and told me that she knew that if we didn't do something about this, our marriage would end.

We have three children together, but like it or not, I honestly found that I could not live in a marriage where I was the roommate, father, and man who picked up so many things. I was everything but a lover.

She confessed to me that she has no libido. She felt attracted to me, but when it came down to getting it on, you could see that she would avoid sex.

I'd hear how she'd do things out of love, meaning that she'd give herself to me sometimes, but still, no matter how much I'd beg for it, try to talk about it, this invisible barrier was there. Sex happened less than 10 times per year, more like once every two months plus any times where she was trying to make it happen more often. If we had problems, there'd be extended dry periods too.

For me, it reached a point where I had enough and ended the relationship. I did not like envisioning myself as a frustrated, bitter and twisted old man.

Today, we dedicate our efforts towards our children from separate households and accept that the marriage failed.

So, sit down with your spouse and have a heart-to-heart chat. Don't do it over a romantic dinner, but maybe have a glass of wine between the two of you. Tell her how you really feel. You may even want to ask her, if the tables were turned, would she be willing to live the rest of her life being denied something she really wants.

This isn't supposed to be about settling, but about trying to find a workable solution between the two of you. Her giving it 10 times a year isn't all that good if you want it 3 times a week. Just like you wanting it 10 times a week may not be good if she's willing to try harder. But maybe a compromise, something to do with a more mutually acceptable frequency. Perhaps looking at other options with each other -- try something different other than intercourse.

Who knows. Maybe the counseling uncovers something more deep-rooted, something you didn't know about. This happens some times, and its not as easy as talking about it. You have to go through some effort to get around issues. In the end, if you work together, you may not get to go at it like bunnies do, but things will improve.

But if she doesn't want to address it, don't sell yourself short. Deep down, you have to look after your needs. And if she isn't willing to try and make it better, you will resent your situation, resent her, and it will eat away at you.

Some time ago, I came across an article reviewing a doctor's book about relationships. I'm still kicking myself for not keeping the article, or at least getting the title of the book. It had an interesting bit in the article about frequency, that sex 10 times or less per year really is non-existent. It spoke of how you lose closeness between you, that the man resents the situation of becoming the roommate. It warns about people drifting apart because of these kinds of differences. The article spoke of issues that become deal-breakers in the marriage.

The two of you have to sit down and see if you can make it work, whether you can accept the status quo, or whether this is turning into a deal-breaker.

I wish you good luck. Be true to yourself for in the end, you're the one that has to live with your choice.

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A male reader, slick151 United States +, writes (15 June 2010):

Some women just dont respond to being nice or "too nice" my advice is to stop complimenting too much and start not caring too much as-well and you should start seeing a change.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2010):

I have a lovely wife with a body to die for with a bosom of 36d's and I must admit that we have the same problem.

I think it is because she works and needs to run the family chores on a day to day basis.

She has a little bit of stress and I know she is a wonderful wife and mom to our 2 and a half year old girl.

Her sex drive is the problem!

same story as the other guys but the times we do have sex she is like enjoying it a lot and orgasms about each time.

It is the frqency between or sex that worries me--once or twice a month!

She becomes this tiger in bed and loves everything we do -even oral sex and mastrubation on each other and i can come where I want to but this only happens too far and few between.

anybody that can help this and make it more frequent?

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A male reader, Schlub999 United States +, writes (2 May 2010):

I have a theory that applies to my wife, although it may not apply anywhere else. My wife's sex drive has been inversely proportional to each successive level of committment and each child born. It is as if God designed women to desire sex when there was something to achieve by it (committment / children). Now that my wife's "nest" is fully lined and we have children, sex serves no purpose. Even though our sex is fulfilling to her physically, consumating our marriage is like pulling teeth. She always seems to have some excuse for not having sex, and when she grudgingly consents, it can't be over soon enough for her. Or maybe she's just not physically attracted to me anymore. I don't know which is worse.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2010):

My wife had a lot of sex before we got married and now we have sex may be 10 time a year. I don't understand it. She says that she had sex before as means of controlling people. She also says that it is uncomfortable as well. I am a pro of at oral sex and she enjoys that, so I don't understand what the issue is. If I bring it up then am a jerk b/c I am putting pressure on her. It is so frustrating. She has no sex drive at all. When I ask if she wants to, she pauses for awhile and then agrees which makes me feel like she is doing me a favor. I feel trapped and it takes a tool on our relationship. She has no idea that I feel this way and I don't know what to do. I have read many articles and several of them suggest to have lots of sex and this may trigger something. She is always tired after work so we can't do anything then. She doesn't like to at night at bed time or in the morning when she wakes up. It's a real issue for me but I honestly think she could go forever. The longest has been six months. I've thought about not trying to initiate anything to see how long we would go without, but it is not fair to me. I totally sympathize.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2010):

The good news is that the are possible solutions that you might suggest to your wife (below). Just be aware that figuring out how to increase the female sex drive is complicated because the desire to make love is influenced by so many factors including physical, emotional, relationship satisfaction, and the setting you are in. Possible causes of low sex drive in women include stress or anxiety, medications (anti-depressants, birth control pills) complexity of health issues (Diabetes, MS, cancer) and fatigue.

Of course, you should ask her to see a doctor about this. But here is a list of possible steps you can take:

• Have her ask her doctor to check her thyroid function.

• Check out the side effects of any medications that she may be taking.

• Zestra (nonprescription) for women

Two placebo-controlled studies published in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy showed that this proprietary blend of botanicals (including borage seed and evening primrose oils, Angelica root and vitamins C and E) provided a significant increase in arousal, desire, genital stimulation, ability to orgasm and pleasure. The treatment also worked equally well on women using SSRI antidepressant medicines.

• Hormone Therapies (prescription only)

Localized estrogen therapy - Placing estrogen directly into the vagina soothes vaginal tissue, and allows the secretions necessary for comfortable sex. They are available as suppository tablets, creams, or "rings," which sit inside the vagina and give off small doses of the hormone over time.

Compounded testosterone cream - Some pharmacies that make medicine from scratch offer testosterone creams and gels, but you'll need a doctor’s prescription.

• Vitamin E (nonprescription)

When used locally in the vagina it can help rehydrate tissue and may possibly increase sensation.

Here are some references if you want to do some research on your own.

http://www.webmd.com/menopause/guide/sex-drive-and-menopause

http://www.zestra.com

http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/sex_relationships/facts/lackingsexdrive.htm

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A male reader, Big Bob United Kingdom +, writes (26 January 2009):

My partner and I have endured similar problems.

I'll explain them quickly, then present a solution that has worked for us so far.

We were like bunnies for many years, no problems, very much compatible. Then it all dried up - she started brushing me off at every advance and starting regarding sex as an irritating occasional necessity of mine. There's nothing else wrong with our relationship - that I can see!

I've also seen my best efforts amount to nothing, e.g. housework, childcare, making myself attractive, paying her lots of attention, trying to talk it all through, romantic nights in and out, you get the picture. Even tried ignoring her. No reaction. There's nothing quite like indifference to break your heart.

Unfortunately I've come to the conclusion that she is the sort of person that puts how she feels way, way above how I feel - this is something she just can't help - I've noticed that ALL her family have that same mental disposition with their partners.

I've also concluded that she is the primary victim in this situation, and I am actually secondary.

I've tried talking about it (endlessly, normally ending with one or both of us getting very upset), and doing all the usual tedious advice (make life easier for her, and watch as she ignores you).

But none of that works because the problem is not rooted in the rational part of her mind. She doesn't see a problem and see's no reason to change. It's more likely related to her self-image and the inevitable boredom and loss of testosterone that happens naturally as you age, have kids and live with the same face for years.

So, how do you tackle that? Well, in the end I signed us both up to the gym. I chose a cheap, local gym largely occupied by overweight housewives (i.e. not intimidating). She was reluctant at first but once she started marching away on a cross trainer, she settled right into it.

She went twice a week for a good few weeks, with plenty of support from me, and started to drop a bit of weight - she looked better and had noticeably more energy.

I also started changing some of the shopping and cooking, so that we were eating smaller, healthier meals. Less carbs, more raw veg.

I also made sure I went to bed at the same time as her (earlier the better) and cuddled her to sleep, without trying anything.

Within about six weeks, results were yielded. She looked better, felt well, her friends had complimented her on her figure (a critical step) and she was much more affectionate.

Then, we were out shopping and whilst walking through a women’s clothes store - she spotted a figure hugging super short pink party dress - totally inappropriate for anything but the bedroom or a porno set - she leapt on it. Took me to the dressing room and pretty much lap-danced me in it.

So, after quickly paying for the dress and some matching underwear it was straight home for unbridled passion. Ker-ching!

And so far it's carried on that way - it's still not perfect but she now has occasional intentions, which makes ALL the difference. Her self-image is much improved and with it her sex drive.

Guys, don't try to solve this problem by appealing to her rationality, sense of guilt or pity. Make the effort in the home but don't go nuts, it's meant to be a partnership. And romance only works on women that WANT to be romanced, so don't waste your time and money on gifts and trips they don't want.

Ultimately THEY are the victim of this; YOU'RE the passenger shouting from the back "are we there yet?" to the driver who is clearly lost.

Guy's, your job is to help navigate her back onto the right path. So you need to address HER issues, which will undoubtedly be to do with her self-image.

If she's fat, get her down to a nice gym under the guise of her accompanying you. Exercise is addictive, and women respond to it with real vigour in most cases.

Adjust your diet, less carbs more greens. Keep off the cakes, biscuits and snacks.

Buy a flattering full length mirror for her.

Once the dress size comes down, offer to buy her something new to wear. Don't over-compliment her - it's much better coming from her friends or total strangers (sad, but true).

If she won’t comply and won’t change her lifestyle enough to make any difference to her self image, persist for at least a few months.

If this doesn't work, and you've tried to talk it through without headway, go into counselling, both of you or either - whatever she agrees to.

If she still won't play ball then plan a trial separation. Don't do it during a heated argument, plan what you want to do, make the arrangements (i.e. go stay with parents or siblings, friends, hostel, boot of your car), sit her down, tell her what you are doing and why, then leave.

Don't give in at this point, no matter what she does - take the timeout. Stay away at least a week, visit her (arrange it first on the phone) and just talk about what she's been up to - small talk. Only talk about the real issues if SHE brings it up.

Let this run until you drift apart or you work it through. It's much easier to understand how you feel and what you want if you're not living with the problem.

Short answer: Help her to build a better self-image – exercise, diet, clothes. The mental aspects will follow or come to the surface.

Otherwise go to counselling, if that doesn’t work attempt a planned trial separation. Then nature will pretty much take over, and you’ll soon know whether it was meant to be.

Good luck!!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2008):

It sounds selfish but you need to decide what you can live with first and then try and apply that to your relationship. How important is it, do you know how often you need it to be satisfied do you know what you need to do to be happy with it?

Can you be happy pleasing yourself?

When you discuss the issues is she responsive or angry?

Is she willing to discuss it? Does she know how important it is to you?

There is no easy solution but I think you can ask yourself some serious questions and see if you think you can head anywhere with your relationship. You won't get any points for being a sexual martyr for the rest of your life.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2008):

Wow... I've learned more and more over the past few years how similar other people's situations are to my own.

I'm 27 and have gone through many of the same questions as the rest of you.

I've tried to do what I could from my end, but I came to the realization that this is actually not my fault.

So here is my advice to you...

What has separated me from you is that I have done the following:

1. Like you, I have tried talking about it. Like many of you have had happen, she responded in anger.

2. I continued to talk about it, regardless of the anger.

3. I asked to go to counseling, and she said 'no.'

4. I persisted, and she finally went with me last year for about three visits. After that, I got very good at oral sex, and started every single session between us that way. If you're looking to try this method, buy the book "She Comes First." You can get it as an audiobook and listen while you're driving to work or mowing the lawn.

5. The problem has continued. She appears to always be looking for everything in the world to be perfect and for the stars to align a certain way before she feels comfortable with sex.

6. AHA! She was promiscuous when she was young just like the woman from this question.

7. Finally... she has agreed to go to counseling by herself... and for as long as it takes, so that she can unpack some of the pain and off-base sexual misconceptions she has.

So please understand that this battle has ups and downs, but that it can take a very long time to come to the end of the road, and even then we have to keep working at it.

The bottom line is that you MUST COMMUNICATE. Everything I've said on here I've said directly to my wife as well, and that has finally sunk in, EVEN if it requires lots of nasty fights. DON'T think of those fights as destructive... as long as you're not fighting to hurt her, they're constructive.

If you tell her at the end of the year that you haven't had sex together all year, she's going to see that as a little game you're playing. Why didn't you tell her after the first three months how long it had been? Then again halfway and three quarters of the way through. Do you want to solve the problem or win the argument? There's a difference :(

Finally, if you think you can't live without it, you have to tell her (or him for the women suffering from the same). You have to say... "this is destroying our marriage, and I can't live like this forever."

If she responds, then you know it's worth working on... if she doesn't respond and you truly can't live without it, you need to consider divorce.

If she loves you and is willing to work on the problem, she will try everything she can to get to the root of the problem with you.

Good luck everyone. I know how much this hurts.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2008):

As the original poster of the message, I'd like to thank everyone for taking the time to answer my question.

It's been nearly 9 months since I posted this, and nothing has changed. If anything, it's gotten worse.

We still continue to have lackluster sex, once a month. And I still continue to try to woo her every way imagineable. I've come to understand from reading your posts that this is all too common.

To help answer some of the questions brought up from your posts:

1) I am charming, attractive, interesting and I give her space. I am very creative and imagineative. I also like to do things she likes to do (going to the beach, amusement parks, etc.), even though I'm not a big fan. I'm trying to build unity between us, and show her even more common bonds, but she doesn't reciprocate.

2) She has always been overweight, and has no desire to be thin. I love the way she looks, and tell her a few times a day how beautiful she is, and how sexy I find her. Honestly, these are all lies. I don't find her beautiful or sexy anymore because of how she makes me feel by rejecting me. BUT, I'm doing my part, even if I have to fake it.

3) She's not on any form of birth control, she refuses to see anyone about her testosterone levels, and she has vehemently refused to go to counselling with me. Leaving me to go to counselling alone, to help resolve "my problem".

4) I do all the cooking, cleaning, child rearing and I pay all the bills in the house. She is now done with school and works a 9-5. Even though I work a 9-5 as well, I still try to do everything possible to keep the house clean, the kids taken care of, put a warm meal on the table and caress/massage her, hold her hand, cuddle with her. Still...nothing.

At this point, 9 months later, I wonder if I even love her anymore. Admittedly, I have begun placing more emphasis on sex because it's such a sore spot in my life. But I am not going to settle for a sexless marriage, and things have only gotten worse, not better.

My options, as I see it are to either: A) Find someone else on the side who can satisfy me physically and hope my wife doesn't find out, or B) Divorce her.

Problem is, how do you divorce your best friend?

Thanks again for the advice.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2008):

Sixteen years of waiting for her sex drive to kick in is a mistake, if she doesn't want to do it, please take it from someone who is absolutely freaking miserable decades later, and tell her to take a hike. There is no magic pill, there is no method of wooing, there are no romantic dinners, there is no end to it. Sorry to sound so defeatist, but if she doesn't want to have sex, then she shouldn't expect a man to want to live with her.

Ladies, the cure to your libido problems is as simple as cutting that television off, that empowered woman you are being driven to by the mass media is a false promise and an affront to the feminine nature, if not an attack on the institutions of family itself.

George Orwell was a prophet, the Anti-Sex league was predicted, one part of 1984 I never understood, then I saw the word sex addiction creeping into the media and I knew that Big Brother had us by the balls, literally.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2008):

I wish I could give you an answer, but I'm asking the same question. The only difference is I'm 20 and have only been married a year. I don't know what to say, but I do know that it really does put a strain on our relationship.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2008):

I feel like I have just looked in the mirror and see myself. Its so frustrating and sad to be constantly frustrated. I just try to tell myself everyday that I am normal and that I do not have the problem.

Lately though I've begun to imagine having casual sex with someone else just to get my rocks off but I know I couldn't and wouldn't do it - but sometimes just thinking about it helps aliviate the frustration.

Honestly though - sometimes i think the only answer is when one of you finally draws a line and makes the choice to split up. If its not right now it won't be right in 10 years time.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2008):

I have the same problem as you...yet im a woman. and because of this doctors wont help me because they only treat men with it. my partner never ever wants sex and i have to live with it. i dont want to leave but seriously its impossible to live without it. exercising only increases the need for sex and talking to someone else doesnt help either. Really wish there was a way to help everyone with this problem. Looks like were stuck with it for life....and when my doc told me this i broke down.....

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2008):

i know exactly what you mean about the sex drive thing. my wife and i have had sex 11 times in 8 years. in one of those y years we actually had sex zero times..when i told her that we had sex 0 times in that year, her response was, "really", how doe you know?" and i said trust me, i know. she and it never gets any better, and then i started to think that the times we did have sex, she was not totally into it, seemed to be just waiting for it to be over. i have no idea what's wrong with her. I told her to go see someone, but it just does not seem to matter enough to her. once when i was totally frustrated, i blew up and said, why do you avoid sex? and she said , because i have to feel totally safe to be with someone that way? what the hell was that suppose to mean....and then a week later she admitted she had no sex drive, so that statement was just an excuse..otherwise we have a great relationship, but without sex, it feels like i have more a roommate than a wife...

i often to go bed early just to try to fall asleep so that i don't have to think about being in bed with someone who won't have sex. if i'm asleep, then i don't have to worry about it...

i don't know what to do....i have a daughter who had a sleepover at a friend's house last friday night, a perfect night for sex, but there was nothing....

i'm stunned and sad...

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2008):

I'm a 39 year old man with the big 'FOUR - O' just around the corner.

I love my wife dearly with all my heart & have never once cheated on her or treated her badly. Sex used to be amazing but now it is oh so different. Sex, on the rare occasion that it actually happens, has to be initiated by me or it just won't happen at all & when it does it is only on my wifes terms. She HAS to be in control, i.e. on top, & come first by which time all/any enthusiasm has gone from her & I'm lucky if I get to achieve a climax. Sometimes I have been known to fake it! How bad is that? My needs are never satisfied as she refuses to do anything 'she doesn't want to do', yet she expects me to put up with a situation that I am not happy with without complaint.

We have been married for nearly 15 years & have 2 children under 9. I don't expect my wife to suddenly become compliant overnight nor would I want her to but her lack of interest in sex is destroying our marriage. I stopped drinking, gambling & flirting once I was married as I love my wife so much. My wife won't even discuss our lack of sex which suggests to me that maybe I love her more than she loves me. Maybe I'm not the man for her after all?

This makes me so upset I find myself bursting into tears at the most inopportune moments.

I wish somebody could help me.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2008):

I read your post yesterday, I am a 33 year old woman, and have been suffering the same problem as your wife - I just haven't been able to get myself in the mood for it for ages, causing frustration on both mine & my husband's side.

Our marriage is good, apart from my lack of interest in sex lately (we'd been very active during the first few years of our relationship), and I didn't want our marriage to go down the pan, if there was something I could do to bring my sex drive back again. We have a child of 21 months, my drive deteriorated even more when I gave birth.

However, after doing a google search, I found this stuff called 'Horny Goat Weed', and although it sounds funny etc, I decided it had to be worth a shot.

I drove to the Health food store yesterday afternoon, and found them - yay! I took a dose at 5pm.

My husband came home from work at around 6pm, and already, I was feeling like suggesting we go upstairs! Anyway, we bathed the toddler, and put him to bed, then ate our dinner, and headed off upstairs at around 8pm to share a bath. It was the best bath ever!!

We ended up managing 3 times in one evening! I could have easily managed more this morning, but he had to go to work! He texted me today to ask if he slept at the right house last night! I feel like I did at the start of our relationship again - wow!

It's such a relief to find a way to bring back my sex drive - I was worrying so much about the effect it was having on us as a couple. I was also starting to think there must be something wrong with me.

I really hope this helps you (and anyone else with similar difficulties).

If you want to get some to try, I noticed that there were people selling them on ebay, also do a google search and loads of sellers come up. Here's the ones I bought (I live in the UK): http://www.hollandandbarrett.com/pages/product_detail.asp?pid=738

I also notice that some people buy it in liquid form and drink it. Not sure where you'd get that from though.

Best of luck - I really hope this info helps you & your wife get back on track.

L

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2008):

By virtue of the fact that i am reading this question at all would give the clue that I am suffering from the same problem - no need to repeat all the instances and frustrations. I believe that this problem stems from NATURE. If I can use cattle as an analogy, it is the job of the bull to service the herd of cows, hence a high sex drive. If the cows had an equally high sex drive and were demanding sex of the bull all the time there would be ructions in the pasture with the girls fighting over the fellow, demanding sex. Let's switch straight back to humans - wouldn't that be great guys?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2008):

Im 22 almost 23 been married about a year now. The last 6 month my drive has gone to crazy level.While My wife's drive is going below zero. I have had thoughts of useing vitamin A or B12 and other drugs (Abilify) that have a side effect of up sex drives. Yet some those are dangerous if over dosed or use in wrong matter (like sex drives). I love my wife I could'nt hurt her. We got no kids, and I wondering is it a shameful thougt to quit trying and let her go. I have read up on ways to boost drives not drug but foods like Nutmeg, Clove, Honey, Ginger, Bananas, Celery, Dark Chocolate and Flaxseeds. But once again none have worked on my wife. I have talked at work with some other guys. Got some of them to try those. Most thanked me thier wifes drive have boosted alot. Who knows it may help you to change your faimly's diet a little. I hope that helps you and some these other guys here. But as for me ill just pray and keep a open mind.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2008):

I read your entire question, but haven't read all of the answers, so forgive me if I am repeating something that someone else said. It has also been a long time since this question was asked, so I hope the OP might still be looking at it.

Assuming that the problem is all her's, there are 2 things that it could be from my view. It could be psychological. As you have said, she may have found what she always needed in you and did not really enjoy the sex with the others. Now that she has the man that she always wanted, she has no need for the sex to obtain the love that she was seeking. Also, it is possible that she has guilt about her life before you and that makes her think that sex is dirty. Counseling is the place to start to help determine her real feelings. She may have no idea why she doesn't want sex.

However, it could by a physical problem. She could have a hormonal imbalance. Many people think that testosterone is a male hormone only, but females also produce it in lower amounts and it is important to their sex drives. A doctor is the place to start to try to discover if this is the case. However, I have read stories on healthboards.com that few doctors understand this properly and an endocrinologist is usually needed to discover if a hormonal problem exists and to correct it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2008):

After reading all the comments so far I would say as a woman struggling with low/no sex drive, all your efforts would have more than likely changed my sex life!!!! I have been married for 8 years and together for 17 years to my partner who I love more than anything in this world. I have two beautiful children of 8 and 4 years who keep me on my toes. I recognised a year ago that I had to do something about my lack of sex drive, if you can call it that its not that I dont always want sex its well I feel like my body doesn't work anymore!. When it does happen my god it's great but it don't happen that often, and my partner gets very resentful.

So far I have started to lose weight (needed to for a while) and tried on many occasion to explain what I need to get me going, I have even bought some sexy underwear for valentine's day (that i dont feel very sexy in). I dont get any of the things that most of you fellas have tried with your wives which to be honest would probably make a really big difference, no support emotionally, no help in the house and the very frequent question "are we gonna have some tonight" which completely turns me off!!

We used to be very active and my partner nicknamed me "nympho" at one point I cant understand just where its all gone, and am trying my best to make things right for us. I hope I'll get there in the end because its frustrating me too!!! Which could be the case with your partners too. These days I tend to clam up if I know advances for sex are being made because I don't want to disappoint my partner or myself.

In answer to your questions I would say you have all done more than enough in my books, but as most of the above ladies have also said maybe the problem just isn't being admitted or is abit deeper. It's certainly not from lack of effort on your parts.

I wish you all luck in your future efforts for jiggy if only I could get my hubby to be as attentive as you all!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2008):

Here are a few suggestions from a 41yr old woman:

Are you very: Interesting? Funny? Talented? Sweet?

Active in your own hobbies or interests?

Personaly diverse and creative?

If not that is what you need to do.

Get interesting by reading, learning new things, participating in new activities that interest you, and if they interest her too that would be great, find a passion and start following it, give her space and time to herself

(absense makes the heart grow fonder),

she needs that time to also work on herself, to make herself feel beautiful to herself, which will likely make her feel beautiful for you.

So give her that time to herself. She will feel refreshed, and rejuvinated like a vacation away makes everyone feel. Can you imagine if we never took vacations or weekends off from work? Life would get dull, boring and we would all go crazy. Well the same goes with relationships, being in the company of someone day after day, and night after night without a break and without changing things up a little bit now and then, gets dull.

Soem people just need their space, and some self time.

Women are attracted to interesting, active, talented, sweet, caring, funny, deverse, creative, unique people, so become more of one.

So start working on yourself, every part of yourself, from the inside out, and never stop. When you stop you become dull, boring and uninteresting not just to her but to yourself too. In the process fo working on yourself, you will begin to find yourself more interesting, and attractive which will in turn "build your own confidence", which is the most attractive thing of all about a person.

Then I can bet she will become more drawn to you.

P.S. The media uses sex to sell everything. 90% of the time they do this by displaying "women" flaunting themselves, and also women and men together showing sensuality towards each other. Guys are over stimulated everytime they see an advertisement. It fools you into thinking that all women are like this. You go home expecting this from your woman. These models are putting on an act, creating an image to get your attention to notice the products by using their sexuality. The media creates a false image of women by doing this, which in turn makes it hard for both men and women to be fulfilled by the real woman in their life. Only 10% of women are really like these images and believe me they likely do not have much depth in personality and character, and you would likely get an STD from them. How often do you see women flaunting themselves, like these images in public? In Hollywood you may see it everywhere, but that is only because these people are all actors and models trying to get noticed for their next "gig" advertisement job. Quit falling for these damn advertiser's who tease you through their ads. They really just want your hard earned money! Those greedy bastards. I find it exhausting, when I see every ad, using sex, to sell everthing. It is very manipulative. They want you to be life long consumers. Don't fall for it! Quit trying to keep up with the Jones. The true milliaries are frugal and are not driving the flashy cars, and wearing the bling bling. Read the book "The Millionaire Next Door"

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2008):

Who knows the answer. Yesterday was my 12th anniversary. We have three great young children 7, 6 and 3. Sex was great up until the first child. Then the long slow decline took place. We have had sex so infrequently in the last few years that I can identify the dates of conception of my two youngest. We have had sex no more than 5 times in the last two and a half years. I have suggested counseling. I even made an appointment and invited my wife to come with me. She declined. We have no intimacy whatsoever, I am not even talking about sex. If it touch my wife it seems to make her skin crawl. I have communicated this to her and nothing ever changes. Although I do not want to, I am on the verge of leaving. I can relate to all of the comments. We all have to find a way to deal with it. I have tried but I am at the point of giving up.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2008):

I pray for you. I went through a stage wherein I wanted to chop my penis off, so that I was not a victim to my frustration. With no penis, I would never ever have sex. As such my penis was unemployed, at least I would no longer be sexually frustrated.

I pray everyday that my wife meets the person with whom she will be happy and have sex regularly. Right now I think there are 2 unhappy people, me and my wife. Me because no sex. My wife because she cannot understand why sometimes I get cranky and thinks I am always angry. and because I hope someday she has sex that will help her set free and help her start enjoying sex.

Married for 8 years. We had sex only when my wife wanted to have children. And that time it was pure functional, get done with the act. So 8 years, sex only 20 times. Periods of upto 3 years without sex. How did I survive?

Have been reading all things and wondering why me?

1. I earn well

2. I am smart, well dressed and exercise regularly

3. I help around the house - cook, clean, mop, mow, everything that a woman does

4. Since both of us work, we take turns to look after the children and the house

5. My wife has had no past to grieve - i.e. molestation as a child, rape, etc.

6. My wife knows how I feel about sex - issue communicated to death

7. I have tried wooing her, romancing her, dates, holding hands, hugs, kisses (with no expectation of sex)

8. I get up before my wife, make tea and breakfast, am the last one to sleep in the house after washing the dishes. I dont know any reason why my wife should have a headache or feel tired.

The only solution for me was to pray like hell and meditate. Every time I thought sex, it was a negative flow of thoughts about my wife. At one point I decided that every time I think sex, I am replacing sex thoughts with prayer.

And one day I had a revelation. In my past life, I had molested my wife. She was not my wife in my past life. And in this life I had to payback for my deeds.

That explained everything. Why my wife has a low sex libido? Why she does not want to go to a therapist or a doctor? Why the communication never gets to her? Why if I want to have sex, she will just lie like a rag and wait for the act to get over? Why she likes to read all romance novels and the hot scenes, but never in the real life? And why my wife never feels like she is doing anything wrong.

It is my karma. My entire life ahead of me is full of celibacy. I cannot think of divorce. I have to suffer this life. Maybe next life may be better.

I pray that you get your answer for why me soon.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2007):

I think sometimes, we look too deeply for answers especially where explaining the sexuality of women is concerned. We try to make the female anatomy and biology so complicated and come up with so much empathy, because we need the comfort of an answer. I think the reality is, you are getting ripped off and taken advantage of. I am in the same shoes- feeling like am having sex with a dead person, once a month. And made to feel like I am a knuckle dragging ape who needs his service. And then, I hear about how horrible men are who cheat on their wives. I am attractive, caring and very intelligent, as well as take the time to dress well and keep clean and tidy. It does not get any better than this, yet it gets rejected?? Sometimes I think that it would not be such a bad idea to sleep with other women- just for the sex, as our marriage would function well otherwise. I am 35- and tell my wife weekly, that one day when she is old and wrinkly, she is going to miss the abilities she had to be a bunny when she was younger. We constantly are afraid as people to come out and explain just how important sex is in a marriage- we take the high road and say "although sex is not everyting..." Sex is HUGE in a marriage- without it- we wonder why we are with one person in the first place. We forgot to talk about men- we love sex, and should not be punished for it or made to feel like perverts. Time for her to wake up and put out- or you should sleep with someone else.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2007):

In my personal experience of low sex drive it has mostly allways been related to Depo Primera (Injection form of contraception) I know so many people where this has caused a lack of ability to be aroused via stimulation. And also has another nasty side effect of causing intolerable mood swings every month. So it may be worth assessing your method of contraception.

The main issue has to be how attractive a women feels in herself. It is irrelevant how attractive she finds her partner, if she cant feel sexy she probably doubts her potential to be sexy to others. This especially applies to those who know her best as they will be aware of any attempted efforts to try something different. The conflict of acting differntly then instills a sense of shame especially if witnessed by someone you know - which is why it is easier for women to experiment with people they dont, because they are able to revel or relax in the illusion of themselves as a confident and sexually capable female.

Sometimes as with all things in life we are so worried about putting ourselves on the line and failing that we avoid trying in the first place. She therefore will not want to fail in her attempts to be sexy in front of you or herself. With sex being so intimate and ineviatbly a shared experience it makes this "putting yourself out there and letting it go" harder.

If you believe as a couple you can tell each other everything then showing another side of yourself in sex may highlight how there are hidden depths to our personalities. Some people find this scary especailly since you both claim to know one another so well.

I have had to take a far more selfish approach to sex where i have to stop considering how to please my partner and trying to make it a perfect experience between the two of us and concentrate on what i want even if it does make me look & feel like an animal- because at the end of the day we have to accept that we are animals and sex is the most natural of our needs. Giving in to nature does not make us any less civilized as humans. It is our inability to deal with this and trying to control ourselves from reacting naturally and in a way that is deemed "acceptable" that has lead to this sickness.

I have recently put on a small amount of weight - and feel most unattractive, i believe that i will not feel sexy unless i return to a stream line shape, so just to let you guys know that even a small amount of weight gain can be hughley influential because we know that men cannot deny a perfect figure as being attractive so we rationalise that we our not putting ourselves on the line but the body as an object and we are sure (because magazines tell us) that this is the only safe formula to good sex. So if all else fails get a joint gym membership - this will also build testosterone levels which others have cited as a cause for lacking libedo.

Your partner needs to stop being scared of discovering a new side to herself even if this highlights how you dont know each other as well as you first thought. My awakening was aided by books celebrating the feminine and the power and mystery involved in being the bearers of life. Reading along these lines may help enpower your partner in the bedroom also by helping her tune into her natural side.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2007):

I wish I had an answer. We've been married 20 years and over the last 10 years my wife is content with little contact 3-4 times a year and then it seems it's only after she's loosened up after a few drinks. We've talked and any improvement seems to be out of a sense of duty and a 1 time event at best.

I really love my wife,and I've tried so many things. Problem is sex is almosta closed topic,... counseling and medical won't fly. I'm faithful to my wife, but attention from other women makes the situation worse.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2007):

I also have been married for three years, and experiance the same problem. Sex once a month and that feels like she is just doing it for me. The talk once a year. Spending hours and days planning and doing all the right things for nothing.

Our circumstances are extremely differnet however. We were both virgins when we got married. No children.

I guess the underlying factor is the stress level. My wife works too, and is always tired.

I don't know the answer either, but I sure would love to.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2007):

Same story here, although my wife went to the doctor and was diagnosed with low testosterone, thus her sex drive wasnt there due to it being so low. She just has no desire because of it. Dr said she is not willing to treat her for it as the side effects outway the good meds would do (in her opinion) so we are trying to figure this out together. Perhaps its the same issue with you?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2007):

Well i have to say you are not alone.Although i do have sex more often than you like once a week im only 36 and my wife is 33 she doesnt work except on our company that we own not to much stress in our lives but we are busy.I cant get my wife to initiate sex and when we do its like im doing all the work she just lays there like a dead person and sometimes tries to talk about things.The only time we do have sex it has to be in our bed and only at night.Shes not spontaneous and forget about oral ill only get that if im down on her in the 69 position.We have been married for 15 years and have 4 children so i dont know what it is so i guess i will have to live with it .The thing is we dont fight we get along great and we tell each other everything so i dont know what it is for a while i thought she was cheating on me and i m still not sure but i dont think is the type.Well good luck.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2007):

I have been married more than 8 years and have had a wife who has ALWAYS had an almost non-existant sex drive. I have tried all of the things also and no matter what she doesnt seem to be interested, want to pursue me, but the frustrating part is that she doesnt appear to want a divorce either? It has always kept me on a very frustrated and depressed road and I dont want to be, so my encouragement to you is to deal with it some way, any way before it eats you up like it has me. I am way disappointed after years and years of marriage and my self-esteem is as low as it has been almost in my entire life which is horrible for a 35 year old man.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2007):

Wow, except for a few particulars, I could have written your question myself. I actually read it in the middle of the night because I can't sleep because of this same problem.

I have been married more than 15 years. Sex started out slowly (no more than 3 times each month) when we were newlyweds and has fallen to zero.

Even when we did have sex it rarely felt like she was really that interested.

I love my wife, I don't want to leave her. We actually have a great relationship except for not having sexual relations. I've tried everything I can think of including counseling and everything you mentioned (weekend getaways, romantic evenings, trips, fun things in the bedroom, flowers, regular date nights).

A Dr. did find that my wife had almost non-existent testosterone and she did take some pills but female hormones are complex, interact in complex fashion and female sex drive seems to be a young emerging science.

The frustrating part is since, its seems, my wife has never had much of a sex drive, she thinks this is all normal and that our friends and neighbors are all likely in the same place we are. She even believes that for a woman to be interested and enthusiastic about sex is simply a male fantasy not grounded in reality.

I wish I had an answer for you, I really do.

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A female reader, sy United States +, writes (10 November 2007):

This situation sounds eerily familiar to my marriage (which ended in divorce). Maybe this is not at all what is going on with your wife, but I did deeply love my exhusband just not in a sexual way. He was the father I never had. A father figure to me- not a sexual partner. In retrospect, I hurt him terribly for years b/c I could not (or would not) be there for him (sexually or otherwise)and I took him for granted and it ruined his self-esteem and eventually he took up with a more attentive woman. We divorced over it. Fact is, I did not value him until I lost him. Does your wife take you and all your attention for granted? Would she be more sincere about putting your needs first if she knew she'd lose you over it? Is the fact that you say you will never leave her actually perpetuating of the problem? Hope this helps.

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A female reader, Sweet-thing United Kingdom +, writes (8 November 2007):

Sweet-thing agony auntI sometimes wonder if it's marriage in general that tends to kill for a woman's sex drive. They say familiarity breeds boredom and I think women are just as, or more so guilty of this than men. We work so hard at getting a man to the alter, once the thrill of the hunt is over, there's no challenge. Nothing to look forward to. Nothing to work for, keep us on our toes, make us wonder, think, worry. I think women thrive on this more than they will admit. Perhaps you should try to become more of a mystery to her. Take up some hobbies. Take a class. Make new friends and schedule time with them, that doesn't include. Find things to do with your time that don't involve her and see if it gets her attention and makes her realize that you are not just a predictable lump of coal she should take for granted anymore. Women always desire men they can't quite figure out. You've made it much too easy for her all these years. You've done exactly what she expected you to do, and you expected sex in return. It's time to do something different and see if you get different results. Good luck!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2007):

Bro, i am right there with you! i have the same problem except ive been married for less than a year, together for 3 going on 4 years and have an 8 month old daughter. She was a sex maniac with me at first and then little by little she just started loosing her libido. She says she doesnt know what it could be either. She works as a teacher and has a long commute as well but is always stressed out about something. I just dont know what to do either. If you find out please share the solution!!!

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A female reader, Mistify South Africa +, writes (8 November 2007):

Mistify agony auntI really feel for you. It is terrible, and i'm gonna be honest, i really cannot give you any advice. You've already done all the things i would have suggested, and if that wasn't working, then i don't know what will. But i do want to say - i can relate to your wife.

I had an extremely active sex life when i was younger - and a lot of casual sex. Same story about filling the void yada yada yade. And, when i met my current bf - we were also at it like bunnies for about 8 months. And then something happened to me. Don't ask me what it was - because i really don't know. Yes - i grew up without a father, yes - i was sexually abused as a child, and the fact that i was so sexually active explains it. My partner and i had a fantastic sex life until about 7 months ago. I just wasn't in the mood anymore. At first i would blame all the common factors - like i'm tired, or frustrated. But lately, i'm just not in the mood. I'm just NOT. Okay - we go at it at least once or maybe (if he's lucky), twice a week, but i'm just not in the mood as often as i was before. I had some hormone problems, and went to see the doctor, but he told me it was just in my head, and that for 90% of women it is the same. My bf has not even tried doing all those things you've tried, because i told him straight off it is NOT HIM... This is genuinely my problem. I went to buy some herbal tablets - called Libido for HER (don't know if it is available over there), and i must say, it has definitely helped. Thing is, she will need to own up, and accept the fact that the problem is with her. Once again, i don't have any ideas on how you can get her to that realization. I really miss being 'horny'. Maybe your wife feels the same. Maybe when next you sit her down, ask her if she'd be willing to try the tablets - or something similar?

I also agree with peoriaman - a sex therapist is a good idea.

Good luck. I hope things get better for you...

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A female reader, Sugarbuns Australia +, writes (8 November 2007):

Sugarbuns agony auntFirst of all, I'm going to assume that there's nothing physically wrong with your wife's health that could cause her sex drive to plummet. I'm also going to assume, she's not taking any medications that could be affecting it. And I'm going to assume she's not depressed. Because these are three things that can make a woman less interested in sex. Having said that, here's what I really think is going on....I suspect your wife still has a high sex drive. She just doesn't desire you. No offense. You sound like a wonderful man, and the type of husband every woman should want. But I think your wife may have married you because she knew you'd be a good mate, not necessarily because you knocked her sock off. Women sometimes make the mistake of marrying "safe" and then trying to live up to their husbands "good girl" image of them, which means they never feel comfortable being raunchy in bed like they were when they were with the "unattainable" men they are mostly attracted to. She knew you wouldn't hurt her, leave her or desert her for someone else. You were her comfort zone, but I question whether or not she's ever had any real sexual attraction for you. What was apparently more important to her, was having someone who stuck around and didn't disappoint her and she failed to realize that sexual chemistry has to be the number ingredient in a long term relationship, because without it, you begin to feel like roommates or worse yet, like brother and sister and the idea of having sex with a man who feels more like a family member than a mate is indeed repulsive so women will avoid sex, make up excuses, feign exhaustion, illness whatever it takes to avoid having sex with someone they're not really attracted to. Oh, she may love you. She may still desire to be married to you because she's afraid of being alone, or worse yet, trying to find a man who does excite her sexually, only to discover he can't be trusted or some other worse problem. But for whatever reason, I don't think she's attracted to you anymore...maybe she never was. I'd also be willing to guess that in the past, the men she got involved with and had sex with, were nothing like you at all. I'd even be willing to bet they were a little wild, maybe unstable, unpredictable, and a bit of a bad-boy. Perhaps after giving herself to them, and then having them disappoint her by ending the relationship, or cheating on her, she decided it was time to try a totally different man. That's where you came in. You were everything she wanted them to be. Except there wasn't any fireworks, and she foolishly told herself it didn't matter. She probably even discounted her own desires, swept them under the rug or thought they'd magically resurface sometime later. They rarely ever do. Perhaps sexual counseling would help both of you to overcome whatever is going on in the sex department. Maybe counseling will help your wife get back in touch with her sexual side, and the two of you can start enjoying the kind of sex life couples were intended to have. Maybe the counseling sessions will uncover some things you didn't know about her childhood, or her concept of sex and it'll help her get past whatever blockage is there. I wish you the best!!

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A female reader, Coach Ram United States +, writes (8 November 2007):

I would have to agree that a sex therapist is probably your best bet. But, keep in mind she has admit to herself there is a problem and it needs to be fixed. Otherwise, the therapy will go to waste.

Also, I hate to say this...some women do not enjoy sex. Sex is not an important part of a relationship for them. It seems she did use it in the past for feelings of security, comfort and self-worth. Since you give her all of those things without sex being involved, then it is no longer necessary.

If you would like to try something else before you try therapy...when you give her bubble baths, massages, cuddling etc do a lot of light teasing and push it a little farther is you're starting to get a response. Do not finish it, leave her hanging with a little need. Don't let it go on for weeks or anything, but she my try to initiate or become the aggressor. If you haven't done so already, add a few extra curricular items to the bedroom.

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