A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My wife and I have been married for 3 years now. We have a beautiful daughter together and for all intended purposes, our lives are great.But we're not having sex. Well, not nearly enough, if you ask me.We've been together 8 years now, and unfortunately, it's always been this way. I knew her in high school, and it wasn't until college that we finally got together. But in high school and for the first 3 years of college, she had earned herself a reputation. She had slept around quite a bit, and it seemed to me like she might have had a high sex drive then. But from the time we got together in our senior year in college, her sex drive diminished.In me, she found love, and security and stability, and I can see that. And I love how she treats me, and I love how well we get along.But for years now, I've felt undersexed and she thinks our sex life is perfectly fine.For the past 8 years, we've had sex, on average, once a month. And I can't help but feel like she does that because she feels like she has an obligation to.I thought, maybe it was because of the pregnancy, and our daughter entering our lives, but no...the 6 years prior to our daughter being born, she had no interest whatsoever in sex.I thought it was me. I mean, who wouldn't think that? And I understand who she was, may not be who she is now (or who she REALLY was back then). I understand that maybe she was lonely and slept around to help fill a void in her life. I understand that maybe because I filled that void, she doesn't feel the need to "use" sex to get the love and affection that she needed.But really, I'm still feeling unfulfilled.In the past 8 years, I've tried everything. Weekend getaways to exotic places got me nothing. Romantic dinners, bubblebaths, nights out with her getting drunk with friends. Nothing. I have bought her gifts, I cook dinner every night, clean the house, do the laundry, raise our daughter and pay the bills. Nothing. I even tried ignoring her, and not talking about sex, hoping she would feel inspired and persue me for once. You know what that got me? 2 months without sex. So short of begging for it, I've tried every approach at least once. And I take my time building it up. I don't cook dinner, drink some wine with her, and expect to get laid that night. No, on the contrary, I'll do this (amongst other things...baths, massages, cuddling on the couch watching TV) for a few weeks straight, hoping to butter her up in the process. And after a few weeks of wining and dining, and subtle romance, I make my move. Nothing.So the obvious questions are...how could someone who seemed to have a high(er) sex drive before, who persued men and had her share of casual sex become the polar opposite of what she was prior to us meeting? How can someone go from 20 partners a year to sex with the same person 10 times a year?I'm not expecting an answer from anyone on the questions above. You don't know her, and it would take some time to get to know her and understand her. I'm just scraping the surface with this post. I mean she works a 9-5, goes to school part-time and has quite a commute to and from work. So I'm not doubting that she's tired. I understand this. My whole problem is that she has no desire. Even on the weekends, when we have all the free time in the world, she doesn't initiate anything, and doesn't give in to my advances.I've discussed this with her openly a few times (usually once a year I get to the point of being so frustrated that I sit her down and explain how I feel about this). Every time we talk about this, she says (and does) the same thing. "Well, now that I know how much this means for you, I'll make more of an effort". And for 2 days straight, we'll have sex. Good sex too. And then after that, she goes back to being her regular, unaroused self. And I'll remind her every now and again about our talks, and she smiles and rolls over and goes to sleep.I'm not looking to leave her. I love her deeply, and sex isn't everything in a relationship (though it is nice). And I have no complaints about her otherwise, and I don't want to find someone else or even go see a hooker.I just want to get laid. If it were up to me, we'd be screwing like bunnies, daily. But for now, all I get is unenthusiastic lovemaking once a month.So, what can I do to change this? To get what I want, for once? HELP!
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2008): As the original poster of the message, I'd like to thank everyone for taking the time to answer my question.
It's been nearly 9 months since I posted this, and nothing has changed. If anything, it's gotten worse.
We still continue to have lackluster sex, once a month. And I still continue to try to woo her every way imagineable. I've come to understand from reading your posts that this is all too common.
To help answer some of the questions brought up from your posts:
1) I am charming, attractive, interesting and I give her space. I am very creative and imagineative. I also like to do things she likes to do (going to the beach, amusement parks, etc.), even though I'm not a big fan. I'm trying to build unity between us, and show her even more common bonds, but she doesn't reciprocate.
2) She has always been overweight, and has no desire to be thin. I love the way she looks, and tell her a few times a day how beautiful she is, and how sexy I find her. Honestly, these are all lies. I don't find her beautiful or sexy anymore because of how she makes me feel by rejecting me. BUT, I'm doing my part, even if I have to fake it.
3) She's not on any form of birth control, she refuses to see anyone about her testosterone levels, and she has vehemently refused to go to counselling with me. Leaving me to go to counselling alone, to help resolve "my problem".
4) I do all the cooking, cleaning, child rearing and I pay all the bills in the house. She is now done with school and works a 9-5. Even though I work a 9-5 as well, I still try to do everything possible to keep the house clean, the kids taken care of, put a warm meal on the table and caress/massage her, hold her hand, cuddle with her. Still...nothing.
At this point, 9 months later, I wonder if I even love her anymore. Admittedly, I have begun placing more emphasis on sex because it's such a sore spot in my life. But I am not going to settle for a sexless marriage, and things have only gotten worse, not better.
My options, as I see it are to either: A) Find someone else on the side who can satisfy me physically and hope my wife doesn't find out, or B) Divorce her.
Problem is, how do you divorce your best friend?
Thanks again for the advice.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2008): Sixteen years of waiting for her sex drive to kick in is a mistake, if she doesn't want to do it, please take it from someone who is absolutely freaking miserable decades later, and tell her to take a hike. There is no magic pill, there is no method of wooing, there are no romantic dinners, there is no end to it. Sorry to sound so defeatist, but if she doesn't want to have sex, then she shouldn't expect a man to want to live with her.
Ladies, the cure to your libido problems is as simple as cutting that television off, that empowered woman you are being driven to by the mass media is a false promise and an affront to the feminine nature, if not an attack on the institutions of family itself.
George Orwell was a prophet, the Anti-Sex league was predicted, one part of 1984 I never understood, then I saw the word sex addiction creeping into the media and I knew that Big Brother had us by the balls, literally.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2008): I wish I could give you an answer, but I'm asking the same question. The only difference is I'm 20 and have only been married a year. I don't know what to say, but I do know that it really does put a strain on our relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2008): I feel like I have just looked in the mirror and see myself. Its so frustrating and sad to be constantly frustrated. I just try to tell myself everyday that I am normal and that I do not have the problem.
Lately though I've begun to imagine having casual sex with someone else just to get my rocks off but I know I couldn't and wouldn't do it - but sometimes just thinking about it helps aliviate the frustration.
Honestly though - sometimes i think the only answer is when one of you finally draws a line and makes the choice to split up. If its not right now it won't be right in 10 years time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2008): I have the same problem as you...yet im a woman. and because of this doctors wont help me because they only treat men with it. my partner never ever wants sex and i have to live with it. i dont want to leave but seriously its impossible to live without it. exercising only increases the need for sex and talking to someone else doesnt help either. Really wish there was a way to help everyone with this problem. Looks like were stuck with it for life....and when my doc told me this i broke down.....
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2008): i know exactly what you mean about the sex drive thing. my wife and i have had sex 11 times in 8 years. in one of those y years we actually had sex zero times..when i told her that we had sex 0 times in that year, her response was, "really", how doe you know?" and i said trust me, i know. she and it never gets any better, and then i started to think that the times we did have sex, she was not totally into it, seemed to be just waiting for it to be over. i have no idea what's wrong with her. I told her to go see someone, but it just does not seem to matter enough to her. once when i was totally frustrated, i blew up and said, why do you avoid sex? and she said , because i have to feel totally safe to be with someone that way? what the hell was that suppose to mean....and then a week later she admitted she had no sex drive, so that statement was just an excuse..otherwise we have a great relationship, but without sex, it feels like i have more a roommate than a wife...
i often to go bed early just to try to fall asleep so that i don't have to think about being in bed with someone who won't have sex. if i'm asleep, then i don't have to worry about it...
i don't know what to do....i have a daughter who had a sleepover at a friend's house last friday night, a perfect night for sex, but there was nothing....
i'm stunned and sad...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2008): I'm a 39 year old man with the big 'FOUR - O' just around the corner.
I love my wife dearly with all my heart & have never once cheated on her or treated her badly. Sex used to be amazing but now it is oh so different. Sex, on the rare occasion that it actually happens, has to be initiated by me or it just won't happen at all & when it does it is only on my wifes terms. She HAS to be in control, i.e. on top, & come first by which time all/any enthusiasm has gone from her & I'm lucky if I get to achieve a climax. Sometimes I have been known to fake it! How bad is that? My needs are never satisfied as she refuses to do anything 'she doesn't want to do', yet she expects me to put up with a situation that I am not happy with without complaint.
We have been married for nearly 15 years & have 2 children under 9. I don't expect my wife to suddenly become compliant overnight nor would I want her to but her lack of interest in sex is destroying our marriage. I stopped drinking, gambling & flirting once I was married as I love my wife so much. My wife won't even discuss our lack of sex which suggests to me that maybe I love her more than she loves me. Maybe I'm not the man for her after all?
This makes me so upset I find myself bursting into tears at the most inopportune moments.
I wish somebody could help me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2008): I read your post yesterday, I am a 33 year old woman, and have been suffering the same problem as your wife - I just haven't been able to get myself in the mood for it for ages, causing frustration on both mine & my husband's side.
Our marriage is good, apart from my lack of interest in sex lately (we'd been very active during the first few years of our relationship), and I didn't want our marriage to go down the pan, if there was something I could do to bring my sex drive back again. We have a child of 21 months, my drive deteriorated even more when I gave birth.
However, after doing a google search, I found this stuff called 'Horny Goat Weed', and although it sounds funny etc, I decided it had to be worth a shot.
I drove to the Health food store yesterday afternoon, and found them - yay! I took a dose at 5pm.
My husband came home from work at around 6pm, and already, I was feeling like suggesting we go upstairs! Anyway, we bathed the toddler, and put him to bed, then ate our dinner, and headed off upstairs at around 8pm to share a bath. It was the best bath ever!!
We ended up managing 3 times in one evening! I could have easily managed more this morning, but he had to go to work! He texted me today to ask if he slept at the right house last night! I feel like I did at the start of our relationship again - wow!
It's such a relief to find a way to bring back my sex drive - I was worrying so much about the effect it was having on us as a couple. I was also starting to think there must be something wrong with me.
I really hope this helps you (and anyone else with similar difficulties).
If you want to get some to try, I noticed that there were people selling them on ebay, also do a google search and loads of sellers come up. Here's the ones I bought (I live in the UK): http://www.hollandandbarrett.com/pages/product_detail.asp?pid=738
I also notice that some people buy it in liquid form and drink it. Not sure where you'd get that from though.
Best of luck - I really hope this info helps you & your wife get back on track.
L
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2008): By virtue of the fact that i am reading this question at all would give the clue that I am suffering from the same problem - no need to repeat all the instances and frustrations. I believe that this problem stems from NATURE. If I can use cattle as an analogy, it is the job of the bull to service the herd of cows, hence a high sex drive. If the cows had an equally high sex drive and were demanding sex of the bull all the time there would be ructions in the pasture with the girls fighting over the fellow, demanding sex. Let's switch straight back to humans - wouldn't that be great guys?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2008): Im 22 almost 23 been married about a year now. The last 6 month my drive has gone to crazy level.While My wife's drive is going below zero. I have had thoughts of useing vitamin A or B12 and other drugs (Abilify) that have a side effect of up sex drives. Yet some those are dangerous if over dosed or use in wrong matter (like sex drives). I love my wife I could'nt hurt her. We got no kids, and I wondering is it a shameful thougt to quit trying and let her go. I have read up on ways to boost drives not drug but foods like Nutmeg, Clove, Honey, Ginger, Bananas, Celery, Dark Chocolate and Flaxseeds. But once again none have worked on my wife. I have talked at work with some other guys. Got some of them to try those. Most thanked me thier wifes drive have boosted alot. Who knows it may help you to change your faimly's diet a little. I hope that helps you and some these other guys here. But as for me ill just pray and keep a open mind.
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A
male
reader, troubledtoomuch  + ♥, writes (3 February 2008):
 I read your entire question, but haven't read all of the answers, so forgive me if I am repeating something that someone else said. It has also been a long time since this question was asked, so I hope the OP might still be looking at it.
Assuming that the problem is all her's, there are 2 things that it could be from my view. It could be psychological. As you have said, she may have found what she always needed in you and did not really enjoy the sex with the others. Now that she has the man that she always wanted, she has no need for the sex to obtain the love that she was seeking. Also, it is possible that she has guilt about her life before you and that makes her think that sex is dirty. Counseling is the place to start to help determine her real feelings. She may have no idea why she doesn't want sex.
However, it could by a physical problem. She could have a hormonal imbalance. Many people think that testosterone is a male hormone only, but females also produce it in lower amounts and it is important to their sex drives. A doctor is the place to start to try to discover if this is the case. However, I have read stories on healthboards.com that few doctors understand this properly and an endocrinologist is usually needed to discover if a hormonal problem exists and to correct it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2008): After reading all the comments so far I would say as a woman struggling with low/no sex drive, all your efforts would have more than likely changed my sex life!!!! I have been married for 8 years and together for 17 years to my partner who I love more than anything in this world. I have two beautiful children of 8 and 4 years who keep me on my toes. I recognised a year ago that I had to do something about my lack of sex drive, if you can call it that its not that I dont always want sex its well I feel like my body doesn't work anymore!. When it does happen my god it's great but it don't happen that often, and my partner gets very resentful.
So far I have started to lose weight (needed to for a while) and tried on many occasion to explain what I need to get me going, I have even bought some sexy underwear for valentine's day (that i dont feel very sexy in). I dont get any of the things that most of you fellas have tried with your wives which to be honest would probably make a really big difference, no support emotionally, no help in the house and the very frequent question "are we gonna have some tonight" which completely turns me off!!
We used to be very active and my partner nicknamed me "nympho" at one point I cant understand just where its all gone, and am trying my best to make things right for us. I hope I'll get there in the end because its frustrating me too!!! Which could be the case with your partners too. These days I tend to clam up if I know advances for sex are being made because I don't want to disappoint my partner or myself.
In answer to your questions I would say you have all done more than enough in my books, but as most of the above ladies have also said maybe the problem just isn't being admitted or is abit deeper. It's certainly not from lack of effort on your parts.
I wish you all luck in your future efforts for jiggy if only I could get my hubby to be as attentive as you all!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2008): Here are a few suggestions from a 41yr old woman:
Are you very: Interesting? Funny? Talented? Sweet?
Active in your own hobbies or interests?
Personaly diverse and creative?
If not that is what you need to do.
Get interesting by reading, learning new things, participating in new activities that interest you, and if they interest her too that would be great, find a passion and start following it, give her space and time to herself
(absense makes the heart grow fonder),
she needs that time to also work on herself, to make herself feel beautiful to herself, which will likely make her feel beautiful for you.
So give her that time to herself. She will feel refreshed, and rejuvinated like a vacation away makes everyone feel. Can you imagine if we never took vacations or weekends off from work? Life would get dull, boring and we would all go crazy. Well the same goes with relationships, being in the company of someone day after day, and night after night without a break and without changing things up a little bit now and then, gets dull.
Soem people just need their space, and some self time.
Women are attracted to interesting, active, talented, sweet, caring, funny, deverse, creative, unique people, so become more of one.
So start working on yourself, every part of yourself, from the inside out, and never stop. When you stop you become dull, boring and uninteresting not just to her but to yourself too. In the process fo working on yourself, you will begin to find yourself more interesting, and attractive which will in turn "build your own confidence", which is the most attractive thing of all about a person.
Then I can bet she will become more drawn to you.
P.S. The media uses sex to sell everything. 90% of the time they do this by displaying "women" flaunting themselves, and also women and men together showing sensuality towards each other. Guys are over stimulated everytime they see an advertisement. It fools you into thinking that all women are like this. You go home expecting this from your woman. These models are putting on an act, creating an image to get your attention to notice the products by using their sexuality. The media creates a false image of women by doing this, which in turn makes it hard for both men and women to be fulfilled by the real woman in their life. Only 10% of women are really like these images and believe me they likely do not have much depth in personality and character, and you would likely get an STD from them. How often do you see women flaunting themselves, like these images in public? In Hollywood you may see it everywhere, but that is only because these people are all actors and models trying to get noticed for their next "gig" advertisement job. Quit falling for these damn advertiser's who tease you through their ads. They really just want your hard earned money! Those greedy bastards. I find it exhausting, when I see every ad, using sex, to sell everthing. It is very manipulative. They want you to be life long consumers. Don't fall for it! Quit trying to keep up with the Jones. The true milliaries are frugal and are not driving the flashy cars, and wearing the bling bling. Read the book "The Millionaire Next Door"
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2008): Who knows the answer. Yesterday was my 12th anniversary. We have three great young children 7, 6 and 3. Sex was great up until the first child. Then the long slow decline took place. We have had sex so infrequently in the last few years that I can identify the dates of conception of my two youngest. We have had sex no more than 5 times in the last two and a half years. I have suggested counseling. I even made an appointment and invited my wife to come with me. She declined. We have no intimacy whatsoever, I am not even talking about sex. If it touch my wife it seems to make her skin crawl. I have communicated this to her and nothing ever changes. Although I do not want to, I am on the verge of leaving. I can relate to all of the comments. We all have to find a way to deal with it. I have tried but I am at the point of giving up.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2008): I pray for you. I went through a stage wherein I wanted to chop my penis off, so that I was not a victim to my frustration. With no penis, I would never ever have sex. As such my penis was unemployed, at least I would no longer be sexually frustrated.I pray everyday that my wife meets the person with whom she will be happy and have sex regularly. Right now I think there are 2 unhappy people, me and my wife. Me because no sex. My wife because she cannot understand why sometimes I get cranky and thinks I am always angry. and because I hope someday she has sex that will help her set free and help her start enjoying sex.Married for 8 years. We had sex only when my wife wanted to have children. And that time it was pure functional, get done with the act. So 8 years, sex only 20 times. Periods of upto 3 years without sex. How did I survive?Have been reading all things and wondering why me?1. I earn well2. I am smart, well dressed and exercise regularly3. I help around the house - cook, clean, mop, mow, everything that a woman does4. Since both of us work, we take turns to look after the children and the house5. My wife has had no past to grieve - i.e. molestation as a child, rape, etc.6. My wife knows how I feel about sex - issue communicated to death7. I have tried wooing her, romancing her, dates, holding hands, hugs, kisses (with no expectation of sex)8. I get up before my wife, make tea and breakfast, am the last one to sleep in the house after washing the dishes. I dont know any reason why my wife should have a headache or feel tired.The only solution for me was to pray like hell and meditate. Every time I thought sex, it was a negative flow of thoughts about my wife. At one point I decided that every time I think sex, I am replacing sex thoughts with prayer. And one day I had a revelation. In my past life, I had molested my wife. She was not my wife in my past life. And in this life I had to payback for my deeds.That explained everything. Why my wife has a low sex libido? Why she does not want to go to a therapist or a doctor? Why the communication never gets to her? Why if I want to have sex, she will just lie like a rag and wait for the act to get over? Why she likes to read all romance novels and the hot scenes, but never in the real life? And why my wife never feels like she is doing anything wrong.It is my karma. My entire life ahead of me is full of celibacy. I cannot think of divorce. I have to suffer this life. Maybe next life may be better.I pray that you get your answer for why me soon.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2007): I think sometimes, we look too deeply for answers especially where explaining the sexuality of women is concerned. We try to make the female anatomy and biology so complicated and come up with so much empathy, because we need the comfort of an answer. I think the reality is, you are getting ripped off and taken advantage of. I am in the same shoes- feeling like am having sex with a dead person, once a month. And made to feel like I am a knuckle dragging ape who needs his service. And then, I hear about how horrible men are who cheat on their wives. I am attractive, caring and very intelligent, as well as take the time to dress well and keep clean and tidy. It does not get any better than this, yet it gets rejected?? Sometimes I think that it would not be such a bad idea to sleep with other women- just for the sex, as our marriage would function well otherwise. I am 35- and tell my wife weekly, that one day when she is old and wrinkly, she is going to miss the abilities she had to be a bunny when she was younger. We constantly are afraid as people to come out and explain just how important sex is in a marriage- we take the high road and say "although sex is not everyting..." Sex is HUGE in a marriage- without it- we wonder why we are with one person in the first place. We forgot to talk about men- we love sex, and should not be punished for it or made to feel like perverts. Time for her to wake up and put out- or you should sleep with someone else.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2007): In my personal experience of low sex drive it has mostly allways been related to Depo Primera (Injection form of contraception) I know so many people where this has caused a lack of ability to be aroused via stimulation. And also has another nasty side effect of causing intolerable mood swings every month. So it may be worth assessing your method of contraception.
The main issue has to be how attractive a women feels in herself. It is irrelevant how attractive she finds her partner, if she cant feel sexy she probably doubts her potential to be sexy to others. This especially applies to those who know her best as they will be aware of any attempted efforts to try something different. The conflict of acting differntly then instills a sense of shame especially if witnessed by someone you know - which is why it is easier for women to experiment with people they dont, because they are able to revel or relax in the illusion of themselves as a confident and sexually capable female.
Sometimes as with all things in life we are so worried about putting ourselves on the line and failing that we avoid trying in the first place. She therefore will not want to fail in her attempts to be sexy in front of you or herself. With sex being so intimate and ineviatbly a shared experience it makes this "putting yourself out there and letting it go" harder.
If you believe as a couple you can tell each other everything then showing another side of yourself in sex may highlight how there are hidden depths to our personalities. Some people find this scary especailly since you both claim to know one another so well.
I have had to take a far more selfish approach to sex where i have to stop considering how to please my partner and trying to make it a perfect experience between the two of us and concentrate on what i want even if it does make me look & feel like an animal- because at the end of the day we have to accept that we are animals and sex is the most natural of our needs. Giving in to nature does not make us any less civilized as humans. It is our inability to deal with this and trying to control ourselves from reacting naturally and in a way that is deemed "acceptable" that has lead to this sickness.
I have recently put on a small amount of weight - and feel most unattractive, i believe that i will not feel sexy unless i return to a stream line shape, so just to let you guys know that even a small amount of weight gain can be hughley influential because we know that men cannot deny a perfect figure as being attractive so we rationalise that we our not putting ourselves on the line but the body as an object and we are sure (because magazines tell us) that this is the only safe formula to good sex. So if all else fails get a joint gym membership - this will also build testosterone levels which others have cited as a cause for lacking libedo.
Your partner needs to stop being scared of discovering a new side to herself even if this highlights how you dont know each other as well as you first thought. My awakening was aided by books celebrating the feminine and the power and mystery involved in being the bearers of life. Reading along these lines may help enpower your partner in the bedroom also by helping her tune into her natural side.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2007): I wish I had an answer. We've been married 20 years and over the last 10 years my wife is content with little contact 3-4 times a year and then it seems it's only after she's loosened up after a few drinks. We've talked and any improvement seems to be out of a sense of duty and a 1 time event at best.
I really love my wife,and I've tried so many things. Problem is sex is almosta closed topic,... counseling and medical won't fly. I'm faithful to my wife, but attention from other women makes the situation worse.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2007): I also have been married for three years, and experiance the same problem. Sex once a month and that feels like she is just doing it for me. The talk once a year. Spending hours and days planning and doing all the right things for nothing.
Our circumstances are extremely differnet however. We were both virgins when we got married. No children.
I guess the underlying factor is the stress level. My wife works too, and is always tired.
I don't know the answer either, but I sure would love to.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2007): Same story here, although my wife went to the doctor and was diagnosed with low testosterone, thus her sex drive wasnt there due to it being so low. She just has no desire because of it. Dr said she is not willing to treat her for it as the side effects outway the good meds would do (in her opinion) so we are trying to figure this out together. Perhaps its the same issue with you?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2007): Well i have to say you are not alone.Although i do have sex more often than you like once a week im only 36 and my wife is 33 she doesnt work except on our company that we own not to much stress in our lives but we are busy.I cant get my wife to initiate sex and when we do its like im doing all the work she just lays there like a dead person and sometimes tries to talk about things.The only time we do have sex it has to be in our bed and only at night.Shes not spontaneous and forget about oral ill only get that if im down on her in the 69 position.We have been married for 15 years and have 4 children so i dont know what it is so i guess i will have to live with it .The thing is we dont fight we get along great and we tell each other everything so i dont know what it is for a while i thought she was cheating on me and i m still not sure but i dont think is the type.Well good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2007): I have been married more than 8 years and have had a wife who has ALWAYS had an almost non-existant sex drive. I have tried all of the things also and no matter what she doesnt seem to be interested, want to pursue me, but the frustrating part is that she doesnt appear to want a divorce either? It has always kept me on a very frustrated and depressed road and I dont want to be, so my encouragement to you is to deal with it some way, any way before it eats you up like it has me. I am way disappointed after years and years of marriage and my self-esteem is as low as it has been almost in my entire life which is horrible for a 35 year old man.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2007): Wow, except for a few particulars, I could have written your question myself. I actually read it in the middle of the night because I can't sleep because of this same problem.
I have been married more than 15 years. Sex started out slowly (no more than 3 times each month) when we were newlyweds and has fallen to zero.
Even when we did have sex it rarely felt like she was really that interested.
I love my wife, I don't want to leave her. We actually have a great relationship except for not having sexual relations. I've tried everything I can think of including counseling and everything you mentioned (weekend getaways, romantic evenings, trips, fun things in the bedroom, flowers, regular date nights).
A Dr. did find that my wife had almost non-existent testosterone and she did take some pills but female hormones are complex, interact in complex fashion and female sex drive seems to be a young emerging science.
The frustrating part is since, its seems, my wife has never had much of a sex drive, she thinks this is all normal and that our friends and neighbors are all likely in the same place we are. She even believes that for a woman to be interested and enthusiastic about sex is simply a male fantasy not grounded in reality.
I wish I had an answer for you, I really do.
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reader, sy +, writes (10 November 2007):
This situation sounds eerily familiar to my marriage (which ended in divorce). Maybe this is not at all what is going on with your wife, but I did deeply love my exhusband just not in a sexual way. He was the father I never had. A father figure to me- not a sexual partner. In retrospect, I hurt him terribly for years b/c I could not (or would not) be there for him (sexually or otherwise)and I took him for granted and it ruined his self-esteem and eventually he took up with a more attentive woman. We divorced over it. Fact is, I did not value him until I lost him. Does your wife take you and all your attention for granted? Would she be more sincere about putting your needs first if she knew she'd lose you over it? Is the fact that you say you will never leave her actually perpetuating of the problem? Hope this helps.
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reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (8 November 2007):
 I sometimes wonder if it's marriage in general that tends to kill for a woman's sex drive. They say familiarity breeds boredom and I think women are just as, or more so guilty of this than men. We work so hard at getting a man to the alter, once the thrill of the hunt is over, there's no challenge. Nothing to look forward to. Nothing to work for, keep us on our toes, make us wonder, think, worry. I think women thrive on this more than they will admit. Perhaps you should try to become more of a mystery to her. Take up some hobbies. Take a class. Make new friends and schedule time with them, that doesn't include. Find things to do with your time that don't involve her and see if it gets her attention and makes her realize that you are not just a predictable lump of coal she should take for granted anymore. Women always desire men they can't quite figure out. You've made it much too easy for her all these years. You've done exactly what she expected you to do, and you expected sex in return. It's time to do something different and see if you get different results. Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2007): Bro, i am right there with you! i have the same problem except ive been married for less than a year, together for 3 going on 4 years and have an 8 month old daughter. She was a sex maniac with me at first and then little by little she just started loosing her libido. She says she doesnt know what it could be either. She works as a teacher and has a long commute as well but is always stressed out about something. I just dont know what to do either. If you find out please share the solution!!!
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reader, Mistify  +, writes (8 November 2007):
 I really feel for you. It is terrible, and i'm gonna be honest, i really cannot give you any advice. You've already done all the things i would have suggested, and if that wasn't working, then i don't know what will. But i do want to say - i can relate to your wife.
I had an extremely active sex life when i was younger - and a lot of casual sex. Same story about filling the void yada yada yade. And, when i met my current bf - we were also at it like bunnies for about 8 months. And then something happened to me. Don't ask me what it was - because i really don't know. Yes - i grew up without a father, yes - i was sexually abused as a child, and the fact that i was so sexually active explains it. My partner and i had a fantastic sex life until about 7 months ago. I just wasn't in the mood anymore. At first i would blame all the common factors - like i'm tired, or frustrated. But lately, i'm just not in the mood. I'm just NOT. Okay - we go at it at least once or maybe (if he's lucky), twice a week, but i'm just not in the mood as often as i was before. I had some hormone problems, and went to see the doctor, but he told me it was just in my head, and that for 90% of women it is the same. My bf has not even tried doing all those things you've tried, because i told him straight off it is NOT HIM... This is genuinely my problem. I went to buy some herbal tablets - called Libido for HER (don't know if it is available over there), and i must say, it has definitely helped. Thing is, she will need to own up, and accept the fact that the problem is with her. Once again, i don't have any ideas on how you can get her to that realization. I really miss being 'horny'. Maybe your wife feels the same. Maybe when next you sit her down, ask her if she'd be willing to try the tablets - or something similar?
I also agree with peoriaman - a sex therapist is a good idea.
Good luck. I hope things get better for you...
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reader, ariel +, writes (8 November 2007):
 This is not a simple solution,we only have your side of the story.There could be many reasons. Here is a site that gives 10 reasons why she may have a low sex drive: http://blogs.webmd.com/sexual-health-sex-matters/2006/07/top-10-reasons-women-dont-want-sex.html
I think you will find the comments interesting,some by women who explain why they have low sex drives.I hope you find it helpful.It can't be easy not being able to connect sexually with someone you love.
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reader, Sugarbuns +, writes (8 November 2007):
 First of all, I'm going to assume that there's nothing physically wrong with your wife's health that could cause her sex drive to plummet. I'm also going to assume, she's not taking any medications that could be affecting it. And I'm going to assume she's not depressed. Because these are three things that can make a woman less interested in sex. Having said that, here's what I really think is going on....I suspect your wife still has a high sex drive. She just doesn't desire you. No offense. You sound like a wonderful man, and the type of husband every woman should want. But I think your wife may have married you because she knew you'd be a good mate, not necessarily because you knocked her sock off. Women sometimes make the mistake of marrying "safe" and then trying to live up to their husbands "good girl" image of them, which means they never feel comfortable being raunchy in bed like they were when they were with the "unattainable" men they are mostly attracted to. She knew you wouldn't hurt her, leave her or desert her for someone else. You were her comfort zone, but I question whether or not she's ever had any real sexual attraction for you. What was apparently more important to her, was having someone who stuck around and didn't disappoint her and she failed to realize that sexual chemistry has to be the number ingredient in a long term relationship, because without it, you begin to feel like roommates or worse yet, like brother and sister and the idea of having sex with a man who feels more like a family member than a mate is indeed repulsive so women will avoid sex, make up excuses, feign exhaustion, illness whatever it takes to avoid having sex with someone they're not really attracted to. Oh, she may love you. She may still desire to be married to you because she's afraid of being alone, or worse yet, trying to find a man who does excite her sexually, only to discover he can't be trusted or some other worse problem. But for whatever reason, I don't think she's attracted to you anymore...maybe she never was. I'd also be willing to guess that in the past, the men she got involved with and had sex with, were nothing like you at all. I'd even be willing to bet they were a little wild, maybe unstable, unpredictable, and a bit of a bad-boy. Perhaps after giving herself to them, and then having them disappoint her by ending the relationship, or cheating on her, she decided it was time to try a totally different man. That's where you came in. You were everything she wanted them to be. Except there wasn't any fireworks, and she foolishly told herself it didn't matter. She probably even discounted her own desires, swept them under the rug or thought they'd magically resurface sometime later. They rarely ever do. Perhaps sexual counseling would help both of you to overcome whatever is going on in the sex department. Maybe counseling will help your wife get back in touch with her sexual side, and the two of you can start enjoying the kind of sex life couples were intended to have. Maybe the counseling sessions will uncover some things you didn't know about her childhood, or her concept of sex and it'll help her get past whatever blockage is there. I wish you the best!!
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reader, Coach Ram +, writes (8 November 2007):
I would have to agree that a sex therapist is probably your best bet. But, keep in mind she has admit to herself there is a problem and it needs to be fixed. Otherwise, the therapy will go to waste.
Also, I hate to say this...some women do not enjoy sex. Sex is not an important part of a relationship for them. It seems she did use it in the past for feelings of security, comfort and self-worth. Since you give her all of those things without sex being involved, then it is no longer necessary.
If you would like to try something else before you try therapy...when you give her bubble baths, massages, cuddling etc do a lot of light teasing and push it a little farther is you're starting to get a response. Do not finish it, leave her hanging with a little need. Don't let it go on for weeks or anything, but she my try to initiate or become the aggressor. If you haven't done so already, add a few extra curricular items to the bedroom.
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