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My wife won't admit she is cheating!

Tagged as: Cheating, Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (12 January 2009) 5 Answers - (Newest, 10 February 2009)
A male United States age 51-59, *akeCountyGuy writes:

Happy New Year to everyone!!! 2008 was not a particularly good year for me, I found out my wife cheated and continues on ... some background for all of you:

- We have been married for 8 years (my second, her first)

- I am 10 years older than she, 47/37

- We do not have children together, I have 2 from my previous marriage who do not live with us

- We are both Type A professionals, busy lives, etc.

More about me:

- I realized in September 2008 I have been an insufferable sort to live with over the past 2.5 years

- I HAD been moody, abrasive, mentally abusive person, I let my professional life dictate how I felt about myself and took it out an everyone, including my wife

- I HAVE set out to become a better person, husband, father and the results have been noticed by everyone (not that it excuses past behavior) I do feel better about myself both mentally and physically. I am trying to be a happier person

- I HAVE become a better listener, husband, lover, partner ... my wife has been noticeably more attentive since 9/2008

Now the story ... my wife came to me in late August 2008 and said she was thinking of "leaving". I had been unable to hear her cries for help all through 2007 and 2008, I don't respond to subtlety, I respond better to in your face honesty. She told me she had tried the subtle approach on several occasions, telling me things had to change (i.e. me) ... she wants to have a baby, she was bored, she wanted to see a counselor, etc.

I didn't respond well, I clammed up. She had already seen an attorney (but didn't hire her), she was AFRAID to approach me directly. I can't blame her, I was miserable to speak with and was taking everything personally.

I headed out on a trip for a week, she said to think about everything. I returned from the trip and realized I was close to the end of my marriage. I LOVE my wife, I truly do, but I had taken our marriage and her for granted and wasn't working to keep it healthy. I realized I had to do something drastic if I wanted to stay married and with her.

Prior to returning, I had sought the help of my best friend. I explained everything and his answer: "She's CHEATING" I told him he was nuts, she wouldn't do that. His response, "She's CHEATING". I was devastated, could it be true? I had to know ... so I did some digging. Be careful when you dig, you may not like what you find ... she was cheating.

I told her after I returned I wanted to have a baby (I have always wanted to, but the timing from both of our perspectives was never right, and I was afraid). She almost fell off her chair at dinner. I told her I loved her, wanted to be married and would work to ensure I "got out of my fog". I also told her I thought she was cheating and who with. I purposely did not use the name of who I knew she was cheating with so as to not alert her I was on the trail. She told me I was nuts, she wasn't cheating. I knew better.

From that date until now, if you were a fly on the wall, you wouldn't think anything was wrong with our marriage. We've done more, laughed more, talked more, enjoyed each other more than we ever have. Except, she's still cheating (not physically now, but emotionally, but she has slept with him)

I have also turned into a sneak (which I'm not proud of) I've read her email, seen all of her text messages and call logs to/from the OP and heard conversations. Better you don't know how, just know I have.

I've confronted her a total of 4 times now, and she DENIES everything. OK, so I'm naive, and believe she'll admit it. She won't, but I still know. She says every time we get to a "better place" in our relationship, I blow it by confronting her. Turning the tables I guess, turning it back on me. We're "just friends". Yup, and more.

I know I'm the one who pushed her towards an affair, she was looking for something I wasn't giving her, but it was her choice, not mine.

The second time I confronted her I found a text message in her phone, she sent "I'm dying to see you". You don't send that to a male friend, sorry. You just don't. She went nuts when she found out I was looking at her phone. I told her I was sorry, but you gave me no choice. If we are being honest and open, you need to be transparent about everything. I do tell her everything ... her response, she put a pin lock on her phone. That didn't do anything to quell my fears.

I've overheard them having phone sex twice ... not only that, she openly talked about their getting together in the past. Quote: "There's no one more exciting than you in bed" You should also note the OP does not live in the same city, he happens to live in the state we moved from 2.5 years ago. So this is now an emotional affair until they are in close proximity.

Confrontation three happened right before our Christmas vacation, I had the phone sex proof, but didn't tell her. She vehemently denied everything and said she didn't want to go on vacation, I had "ruined everything"

Confrontation four happened on vacation, I had a little too much liquid courage and sent a shot over her bough. She told me they were "just friends" and he was the only one who stuck up for me when she was thinking of leaving. He's a "family values" type of person and told her she shouldn't leave without giving me a chance. How nice of the OP! (ugh)

My question:

What do I do?

I'm so confused, hurt, angry, humiliated, shamed

I do have the proof ... for sure proof. I am willing to forgive, forget and move on, with two stipulations, she must cease all contact with the OP and she HAS to ADMIT SHE CHEATED. I do love her and I want to be with her, but I know the TRUTH.

View related questions: affair, best friend, christmas, move on, phone sex, text

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A male reader, Shawn007 United States +, writes (10 February 2009):

Hey...my wife was doing the same thing...ask for separation..seen a lawyer...same deal.Dude...just like you I thought we got over it...she cranked it up again last week....we both have to get to a point where we get rid of e'm...my nerves are shot...heart rate gets up....their not stopping it.What gets them off...is the nasty sneaking around...like you said talking dirty on the phone..and don't fool yourself..they're still having sex.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2009):

this really sucks for you bro

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2009):

Have a look at the website survivinginfidelity.com. VERY nice place, with LOTS of folks, men and women, in your same situation. Many of the things you think are the right thing to do, turn out to be not so good. Trusting in what she says when she denies interest, says "we're just friends", etc. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but you've got some learning to do - her behavior is not all as it seems. You also are in for a LONG ROAD. This situation took a long time to develop, it will take a Long Time to resolve.

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A male reader, LakeCountyGuy United States +, writes (12 January 2009):

LakeCountyGuy is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks Anon ... I was headed out for a trip right after she told me everything. She told me to think about everything she had said. I now know (and she admitted) she had already decided to leave at that point. She also told me I had "talked her out of it" when I got back, hoping I would change and we could stay married.

Some additions:

I do believe she has completely compartmentalized our marriage and her affair. I know cheaters often do this and do it to justify their actions. It doesn't make me feel any better.

LCG

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A reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2009):

This is very well and put together. Except this part kind of confused me. I headed out on a trip for a week, she said to think about everything. Did you mean "I said?" If you want to forgive her she must break off contact with this other man first and second she has to admit it. I guess if you have to take all the proof you have, lay it out after dinner and just try to talk about it. If she still denies it counseling may work but in the end if she doesn't admit it that will make it almost impossible to forgive her. I'm going through something similar where my husband won't admit it.

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