A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My wife Katherine wants us to have an open marriage and her reasoning for it is "most guys want another woman on the side and you'll probably have one anyway; I don't want another man on the side at all, you're the only man for me."She wants me to date her friend Becky, who's 34, and single, been single for 5 years, but I think that would be morally wrong, why would she want me to do this? (Yes, I get Becky's nice, and she's in our social circle, great personality, but it'd be cheating on my wife).She also said "I don't want to date or fuck other men, it's not my style, I ain't doing that... I'm doing this because it's probably what's going to happen anyway in marriage".But, truly and honestly, during our marriage, I've been a respectful, good husband.But, here's the issue... I don't want to date other women, I love my wife too much.She can't accept that, and I think it's because she's still having nightmares over an ex from 2008 who cheated on her with 4 different women while dating her between 2008 and 2013 (I didn't meet my wife until September 2013, we got married August 2018). This explains why she's had night terrors now and then and screaming at 4am in the morning.In general, our relationship's been good, even if we're not 1:1 on everything, we have similar views, are child-free etc.I don't understand where the desire for an open marriage has come from and I wonder if my theory is correct.There's been no incident to cause it, and our marriage has been good.What would be a reasonable or rational explanation for my wife's newfound interest in open marriages if she herself doesn't want to do it herself?Isn't this strange, is it a mental health issue or something else?I have tried to talk to her about it, but it's hard for her to open up on this issue; I wasn't talking at her, but to her, tried to do so over some nachos and beer (her favorite snack foods).Katherine's a professional, works in the modelling industry, she doesn't actually do any modelling herself, but is a driver and assistant for new/up-and-coming models (she's been a trained driver since 2010 now) and really enjoys her job because she's not working from home and it's not a typical 9-5 job.I'm a freelancer on the move for my job too; can't work from home (I do various jobs for clients, can't talk about the jobs too much as they're sensitive).I wonder if the coronavirus crisis is contributing since social distancing etc. has stopped her doing her job and she obviously can't do it from home.I'm looking for advice on how to handle this situation, especially as she can't seem to accept "No" in this situation, although normally she can accept "No" in most situations.I don't really understand why my wife would have this sort of personality change and sudden interest in open marriages when for years, it wasn't an issue for us we'd discussed or talked about as we hadn't expected it to come up.How should I handle this situation, this is the first real conflict we've had in an otherwise good relationship. Although it is a conflict, there hasn't been shouting and screaming as you'd expect, just us struggling to know how to handle this.Compromise would be the solution, but on this issue.... concerned.I'm concerned over the whole thing and need a reality check to mention to my wife, since I've only done light Google-ing and don't really understand the whole situation she's putting out in full, or my wife's reasoning of "most guys want another woman on the side and you'll probably have one anyway" when I haven't. Well, I do have another woman on the side, but not in a romantic sense; it's a newly-discovered half-sister I found out about in April 2019. But that's for another discussion.If you could help me I'd be very grateful for this. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, kenny  + ♥, writes (15 March 2021):
 I think that she has carried her insecurities of being cheated on in the last relationship, and is thinking that your going to do the same.
Although you may have no intentions of being unfaithful to her, in her mind she actually believes you will. So by letting you do it under her nose she is saving herself from the torment and anguish of being cheated on, in her eyes.
You need to tell her that you don't want to play a part in this, and that it is never going to happen.
Bringing third parties into a relationship is a slippery slope downward, normally spiralling to the end of a marriage. You only have to look at previous posts to find evidence of this sad fact here on DC.
She needs to address her insecurities, which is maybe something you can do together at couple's counselling.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2021): The marriage is over. She has found another man or is actively seeking one.If you're okay with that accept her "generous" offer. If not end things and let her affair partner have her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2021): Maybe her dad cheated on her mom and she thinks you would to and she would rather have you cheat with someone she knows.Tell her you are not her dad and you love her.Buy her flowers and chocolate and tell her she is the only one you will ever love forever.Tell her you are not her dad.Tell her when you took your vows you meant every word because your love for her is so strong.Ask her why she would want this.Is sex painful as she ages?Have her see a doctor they can fix that.Help her maybe her self esteem is low.Be kind.Spoil her with your love.Be patient with her...she is trying just to make you happy.Tell her you are so happy with her.Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (13 March 2021):
 How sad that your wife is holding you to account for something others did to her. It is so true that, if you don't heal what hurt you, you will bleed on those who didn't cut you. I am so sorry you are in this situation.
I suspect, if you did what she asks (and I know you won't), that would be the end of your marriage. Despite it being under her instruction, this self fulfilling prophesy would confirm to her what she fears, i.e. that you too will cheat on her. She would never feel the same about you again, despite what she says.
All you can do is keep repeating that you are not going to cheat on her with her friend or any other woman. Whether she chooses to accept "NO" is irrelevant if you refuse to go along with what she says.
Would she go to any sort of couple counselling with you? If not, could you go alone to try to get a handle on what is happening here and to get some support?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2021): Sounds like your wife is either testing you, or she's having a mental-breakdown.
Tell her in so many words straightforwardly...that isn't going to happen! Not even if she insists!
If your wife is serious about all this, she is undergoing some sort of emotional crisis requiring counseling and therapy. A married-woman in her right-mind will not demand her husband to sleep with other women; while refusing to sleep with other men. If she insists, and ignores your refusal to comply with such a ridiculous request, insist she seek professional help.
Sir, such a thing requires no advice from anybody. You know there's something wrong with your wife; and there has to be, if out of the blue she's coming-up with such an outlandish request of her own husband. She probably suspects there is something already going on between you and Becky; or maybe there is something suspicious about the way you both interact with each-other.
If you ask me, this just seems like highly irrational reaction from a woman who has been consistently plagued by a man who behaves in secrecy, has questionable character, and a history of dishonesty.
You can offer to go to counseling together. In any case, she believes you want to sleep with other women; and she has become so obsessed or jealous, she is willing to allow it. Unless she's covering for herself, and she might be lying about not wanting to sleep with other men. Any sane or sensible married-woman reading your post would think your wife is out of her mind. This half-sister...on the side??? Why would you describe it like that? No wonder!!!
Either your post is mocking our site, or this whole post is a bunch of bull!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (13 March 2021):
 She has decided that ALL men will eventually cheat (including you) and with this "arrangement" she has at least the "control" of picking the woman you "can" sleep with.
OR is this about sex?
How is your sex-life? If I may ask? Is this more about HER not wanting sex anymore? So if she can pawn you off on someone else for sex, she can stay with you and avoid sex?
I would tell her that this IS NOT going to happen. You don't WANT a woman on the side. YOU are NOT her ex. And it is unfair that she paint you with the same brush as him. you are not just some walking dick hoping to screw everything with a pulse.
It sounds like there was more going on than him "just" cheating - if she has night-terrors about it. And it seems like SHE could benefit from seeking a counselor and talk through what happened. To work through the trauma of her past, in order to NOT project it onto you.
The dumbest thing you can do is "comprise" and "date" someone to please her. IMHO. I think you need to be VERY firm that you will NOT have an open marriage. If that is what SHE wants maybe your marriage is doomed?
You have been together for 7 years so maybe she is just waiting on the other shoe to drop. Because in the 5 years she was with her ex HE cheated several times. I think she believes it's a given that you will cheat. Which, personally, I would be PISSED about if I were you.
SHE needs to work through her past issues.
You CAN offer to go to couples counseling so there will be a neutral 3rd person to guide you two's conversation.
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