A
male
age
41-50,
*needhep
writes:Hi my question is My wife passed away over 1 year ago i have no kids and I have now become very close to my sister in law she is married and her husban is always overseas From the time I spend with my sister inlaw I have falling in love with her I don't no what I should do about it from here I have been to a cancelor to ask what I should do and she has said I should talk to my sister in law about how I feel towards her Every night I go to sleep and think about her and I would like to be with her but I don't no how to bring it up with her as I don't no how she feels about me can any one help me out please
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2012): I agree with your counsellor, you should speak to your sister in law and tell her about your feelings, but not from the point of view of trying to break up your sister in law's relationship or by trying to be with her. She is married and if you love her you would want to support the relationship she has with her husband. Supporting love is the loving thing to do. If you don't then your love is selfish, if you desire her and want to break up her marriage this is a form of selfishness born out of desire and the loss of your wife. Rather, the reason for speaking to her should be to have a conversation about how you feel now, and figuring out how you move forward in your close relationship with her without messing it up, and without damaging her marriage. The purpose of having a conversation like this is that it helps you accept your true feelings as they are, and helps them move forward from this point. It's part of growing up, and part of moving on in your life, to have difficult conversations like these. The trick is to be honest without trying to make things happen which will be damaging to her as well as you. If you go through the challenge of talking about it, letting some time pass to let your emotions settle and move forward, and you still find yourself in love with her, you will have another conversation on your hands. But until then, its worth having the chat and taking a step back to see what happens. In my opinon. You may not agree with this opinion, and I would say follow your own intuition about what is best for you, above all else. Good luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2012): It sounds like the both of you bonded over your shared grief and she has been trying to be there for you. Since her husband is away a lot, you were a convenient source of comfort and intimacy from someone who understands. It sounds like this is a relationship born of mutual need, not genuine "love". However, to push this further and try to get involved with her is only going to bring trouble. Either she will not share your feelings and you will end up hurt and lose a good friend, or if she does have some sort of feelings for you, you will put her in an extremely difficult position. If you start an affair, she will end of feeling very bad and guilty and most likely she will end up staying with him and you will be hurt. If she choses you over her husband, she will have to leave and divorce is devastating on so many levels - emotionally, financially -- it will take a very long time to get past the damage and she may just end up blaming you. Either way there is no real happiness on this road. Just pain. You've both suffered enough.I think you need to step away and get out into the world again, with new friends and perhaps try dating other women.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (16 August 2012):
 I will agree with the other Aunties & Uncles.. You need to step away from this. You can't substitute your SIL for your wife.
I am sorry for your loss and I hope you will find another way to grieve instead of projecting "love" onto her sister.
She is married. And even if her husband is gone a lot, she CHOOSES to remain married. That would indicate that she LOVES her husband, that she RESPECTS her marriage and her husband.
You need to do the same. Married people should be off limits.
I would NOT put her in a AWKWARD situation, so I would NOT tell her.
Think about it.
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A
male
reader, Ineedhep +, writes (16 August 2012):
Ineedhep is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your help on this matter
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2012): I'm guessing she probably loves her husband despite him being overseas, and I think if you just out and tell her how you feel, it may freak her out and you could lose her friendship.
I think you should distance yourself from her and find a hobby or something to fill your time and occupy your mind instead if I'm honest.
If she asks why, then maybe tell her, but also state that because she's married and she's your sister in law, you realize your feelings are unwanted and thought it was best to keep your distance.
She would understand that way.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (16 August 2012):
 I don't know who your counselor is, but that advice to have you admit your feelings for your married sister-in-law has got to be the most destructive advice you could possibly be given.
I'm sorry about the loss of your wife. I truly am, but have you considered that you haven't healed from this loss, and that your fixation with your sister-in-law isn't merely a manifestation of your grief for your wife?
Think of it this way -- if you are *actually* in love with your sister-in-law, then you'd rather die than hurt her, right? Her and her family are hurting like you are over the loss of your wife, who was also their sister and daughter.
If you go and wreck the marriage of your sister-in-law, you will be causing them AND HER even more pain and suffering. They will not look fondly upon you breaking up the marriage and sleeping with her. You will cause an emotional tear in the family, ending up with whatever connection you had with your wife soiled and torn from you. Right now, you are taking comfort in your in-laws during your mutual time of pain. If you so much as entertain thoughts of cheating with your sister-in-law on her husband, you will destroy everything that was good about your wife's memory.
You need to step back, step away from the SIL, step away from your feelings. If you feel you want to date, do so carefully and OUTSIDE this family. She is married. End of story. If you continue with the obsession, you will show that you, in fact, do NOT love her, because you will destroy her life, her connection with her family, everything. Just because a spouse is overseas doesn't give either of you license to sleep behind his back. If he were truly neglecting her, she can leave him before you so much as kiss her.
I think you need to talk to a different counselor...a professional one, and focus on you, not your SIL. You still have some grief over your wife that needs to be helped.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (16 August 2012):
Just because you lost your wife doesn't give you a free pass at wrecking another person's marriage. As long as your sister in law is married, she's off limits, end of story. You keep your feelings to yourself, do not bother her with it and if her being close to you makes it hard for you to move forward, then create distance. She's most likely close to you as an act of kindness to a man who lost his wife, not because she's into you.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (16 August 2012):
 The problem is that she is married. Should not be messed with, but that's just my opinion.
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A
female
reader, cute angel +, writes (16 August 2012):
 Well what your going through is just a phase..your wife passed away and your sister in law was there with you,so you grew emotionally attached to her,and felt like you were attracted BUT she is married and has children,that's a danger sign you should never cross.I think you should respect the sanctity of the word 'sister-in law' and she is married,just because her husband is overseas all the time doesn't mean she's looking to have an affair and definitely doesn't mean she wants to date you.You are looking for companionship and you saw your sister in law as she was there with you each phase..but I think your thinking too much into it,its just going to get complicated.so just stay away from her a bit,and focus on other things..you will feel better x
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