A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Can you change someones behaviour and personality?My wife of six years is changing, all aspects of her behaviour and personality are different to when i first met her.To give you some background I knew her for about 4 years before we were married and we met at university in london. I was attracted by not only her physical beauty but her kind and caring personality.She had a difficult upbringing and was physically and emotionally abused by her parents for a number of years when she was younger - this shaped her personality to the person she was at the time. I have always felt her parents to be odd people not only for what they did to her but some of the stuff they would come out with, for example my father died when I was 10 years old and on first seeing me the father said to my now wife you should not marry him as he hasn't got a father. Anyway time passed and we were married in 2002.It was like a light was turned off as soon as we were married.My wife was very depressed for three years and this involved several outbursts and generally being very upset and distressed. I was very fortunate to have a close family and my sisters and mum emotionally supported my wife a great deal. Treatment for her condition was attributed to her past and abuse from her parents. She received medical help in the form of anti depressants and psychotherapy that I arranged with a private clinic. I must admit it was really stressful and I found it difficult to deal with it was not until 2004 - 2005 that she had begun treatment. During this stressful period her parents had made no contact and did not want anything do to with us. Threatening and abusive phone calls were made to my family by the mother. We had our first son in 2004 and the second young man arrived in 2007. In 2005 the parents attempted to make contact and come into my wifes life. I was always very defensive, but tried to be civil. About the same time an anonymous caller made a complaint to social services regrading my eldest son and my wife's ability to cope. It was such a shock and disappointment that someone would have the audacity to do this. The claims of the anonymous caller were completely unfounded and the social worker was very apologetic but that did not make up for our distress. Life was up and down and there were a number of outbursts from my wife especially when she was stressed and did not get her way. In October 2007 an unfortunate event occurred. As I said earlier my family are close and helped a great deal in helping us emotionally through the early rough years patch - this had left its toll causing basically the family to be a little resentful of my wife and being drained and frustrated by the situation and constant ups and downs.Anyway things were said, which got blown out of proportion and my wife packed her bags and was ready to leave with the children, as fate would have it the parents were due to visit on that day and arrived just as she was leaving, she did not listen to my persuasions to calm down and not leave.Over the past year things have been further decaying, we are still together which is a miracle in itself but she is not the same person she was when i married her. She is this hardened woman that perceives does or has done nothing wrong and must look out for her children herself. She is convinced that there is a conspiracy and my family and me included want her to have a nervous breakdown and take the children away. She also has said today that she can see it in my eyes that I hate her - which is untrue. The other big change is the parents are back in the picture and are the bestest parents in the universe. I resent them still and she cannot comprehend why I do? Am I fighting a losing battle, can someone change so much in time and with life events that their personality and behaviour changes and cannot be rectified? Please Help
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depressed, her past, period, university Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys for such positive responses
I am not going to give up and to me divorce is not an option
One must have faith in what they believe and hopefully that will be enough to pull through.
Thanks again and I am not planning to give up on her
X
A
female
reader, pastfirst  +, writes (6 January 2009):
 Good luck for persevering. You deserve it!
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A
female
reader, pastfirst +, writes (4 January 2009):
You really seem to be a kind man and a caring husband.
Your wife was obviously traumatised by her abusive upbringing, and she seems to be paranoid.
The reappearance of her parents is causing her further confusion.
Unfortunately your two small children are caught up in the middle of all this mess! Seek counselling as soon as you can!
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A
female
reader, 48years  +, writes (4 January 2009):
 You can lead a horse to water, but...
Slightly similar situation with my husband, whom I love dearly. I decided to seek professional help for myself (he thinks there's nothing wrong with him, go figure!). I learned that he is an irregular person-neither good nor bad. I learned how to look at his weird little depressions and outbursts in a different way.
Seek a therapist by telling them, "I want to stay in my marriage, divorce is not an option." Therapists try to help you achieve your goal.
You know that you can't change someone else-you can only change you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2009): Please don't divorce your wife. It's a toxic way of thinking in itself. How will you work through these issues if you both are apart? First there needs to be high level of forgiveness- you and wife's parents. Did you not vow to be in marriage for better or worse? As long as it's not infidelity or abuse, there's no dry period in marriage you can't overcome. From all you've said, you love and are committed to your wife and really want it to work. Think about your kids- don't become like millions out there who divorce and still remain unhappy. Separation will not solve the issues- but professional advice and steadfast dedication to your cause will.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your speedy response
I do not want to be a defeatist and truly care and love her
I have to believe that she is still there under her persona hidden away or it means the last 6 years have been a facade
thanks again
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