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My soon to be ex wife wants us to be friends and have sex...but part of me thinks it is wrong. What do you think?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Marriage problems, Sex, The ex-factor, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (26 July 2010) 7 Answers - (Newest, 28 July 2010)
A male Canada age 41-50, anonymous writes:

My soon to be ex wife has very firmly indicated she wants to have sex with me and keep me as her fuck buddy while she is single and has "the need". The irony of this is, she almost never asked for sex during our marriage, and in fact, the lack of intimacy and passion is a big part of what killed it. now, with this offer, I find myself longing again for what I DONT have...the love and respect. I know I will never get that, because I had an affair, and that was the deal breaker for my wife. I am no longer in that relationship, and am on my own, as will my wife soon. To me it is confusing. I still love my wife, and would reconcile, but I know it is too late for that from her perspective. I understand and respect that. And while I want to comfort her and make her happy by making her feel good, I'm afraid of how it will make me feel, or make her feel for that matter. It's insane to think of having NSA sex with the woman you loved, cherished and respected for over 20 years. I think I will be most hurt when it stops, because I will know that she is most probably with someone else. Obviously, I dont have a leg to stand on, because while we were fatally disconnected, me straying is unforgivable. I know that. I was just wondering what to do about this sexual (and friends) relationship she wants. Because of what I've done, I am steered toward doing whatever it is she wants to make her feel better. But part of me says it's wrong too. What do you think? And please...I know I fucked things up...spare me the lecture of "you made your bed" thing. My wife and I are both past that...we are trying to come to terms with the relationship as it exists now and into the near this advice helps BOTH of us, not just me. Thanks

View related questions: affair, ex-wife, fuck buddy

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2010):

whoa, you seem to have a lot on your mind and wanted to let off some steam. good for you. now that you got that off your chest lets unpack a bit:

why are you only focusing on your wife wanting sex from you. both times , you make your wife seem either sex starved or just plain unattractive to yourself. you even seem to despise her. WHY?

I am glad to note that you have ended things with your lover. obviously it was not meant to be. mistresses very rarely fit into the wife role successfully.

you say that you "love/loved" your wife. instead of mistrusting her, instead of blackening her name, ask yourself, do you truly want to reconcile with her. if you do, you need to learn to forgive her. you need to understand that you have hurt her tremendously and that your betrayal destroyed her. trust in this marriage? not for a long time!

if i remember correctly you previously said you were a christian. so then learn to be christian like. use that Holy book as your basis in learning to do the right thing. you abandoned your son and wife for your mistress and i am certain your friends and family have seen a side to you that scared them. they never expected you to cheat and destroy your home. well that is in the past now. you say you have learnt your lesson, so great.

you may think we are judging you but why have you not judged yourself. you felt so free to lash out to myself ( and others) who have not condoned your affair. realise that YOU messed up, you destroyed your marriage. we did not do this. if anything i wish that our "negative judgement" made you to start questioning yourself. and it also made you aware of the wrongdoings and helped you to do damage control. you are not a bad person, as you have said, but you have done some soul destroying things, both to your son and your wife. if your marriage was so bad, why not end it first and then play around. why destroy lives while you sought sexual gratification elsewhere? did you think you were entitled to the lover and the wife at the same time? you started this mess you are in right now. why are you throwing away 20 some odd years away?

if you truly cannot stand being intimate with your wife, if you truly prefer to have sex with someone else instead of your wife then make a firm decision and stop giving your wife false hope. i think after all these years you owe her that much, surely?

you say that both you and your wife are mature people so be mature enough to end it with her once and for all IF this is what you really want. why prolong her agony and see her hopes dashed.

have you considered marriage counselling? see why she has withheld sex from you for so long? is she also angry at you, not just for the affair but for something else you may have done.

let me tell you something about me: i am married for 19 years. is it the best. NO, but i know that my husband is a good, decent man. a man who provides for his wife and kids. is he a saint. NO. but he is faithful. do we have problems. YES. but we work through them. a few months ago we went through hell and for a while my kids were miserable because my hubby and myself were shouting and screaming at each other in front of the kids. i saw my kids lives being turned upside down and that made both of us get off our bums and works at our marriage even more. my kids tears were an eye opener and i can tell you that I am guilt ridden even thinking of what they went through. my husband and i love each other but we were not communicating effectively. we made a decision to change. and it has worked. yes the issues are there and yes we have our outbursts, resentment is still there BUT a conscious decision was made. our pastor also made house vivits to help us through our issues. it is not a shame to admit to marital difficulties.

having said all of the above - can you see yourself and your wife working through your issues?

how do you make your wife realise that you are truly sorry for the pain you have caused her? only time can heal her wounds right now.

do you see yourself in another relationship without your wife?

that home that you and your wife has built - do you sell it or somehow keep it and the memories you both made there?

don't be a fool and don't make rash decisions. surely there is something still left with the wife. so yes, you crave sex. now that she is offering it, you do not want her. see the irony here. you wanted sex, she declined, you found a lover. now the wife wants the sex and you are saying no thank you. come on, your problem is just not sex with your wife. it is so much more, just so much more. so yes you can get angry and yes you may throw tantrums but at least now, your eyes are opened and it has made you to question yourself. you may not have liked what we wrote (damn, especially what i wrote) but it has made you sit back and be accountable for your actions. i say again i am glad you and your wife are mature in handling your affair and the upcoming divorce.

all i can now say is may you have peace in your life and may you, in times when you do not need to pretend, be happy with all your decisions. you say i (we) do not understand but how can we when your focal issues is around sex with your wife. how come you do not understand that this is so much more.

good luck and take care. i am sorry you have taken offense to my words but sometimes we need to hear things we do not want to hear.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2010):

Well, to the detective ANON females who think I'm a horrible person, yes, I left my lover and I dont know how to link a post. I really dont care what you think of me. I got myself into a bad situation, but none of you know the rejection and problems I took from my wife for years. I'd be willing to bet none of you have had to face the relationship issues I have. Years of neglect, rejection, with no intimacy. Try being married to someone for 20 years as a room mate and tell me if you would be strong enough to stay in that marriage. You'd sell your soul and happiness over vows...really? At any expense whatsoever - being miserable for the sake of how you were 20 years prior? I DONT think you understand. And even with the disconnect in my marriage, I still consider reconciling...because I have history, memories and a son who needs his parents. Am I looking for Does any of this justify an affair? HELL no. But I am human and make mistakes. You women who expect every "good" man to be a gleaming pillar of truth and strength every second of his life live in a fantasy land. People are human, people make mistakes...sometimes VERY big mistakes. But it does not make them horrible people. I'm looking for the best way...for everyone. I have gotten some very good advice here, and am thankful for it. I'm not a selfish demon who spends my time thinking of my indulgences. And if you are the same poster who came up with all those random assumptions and conclusions in my prior post, you need to get to know people more before judging them. You're probably basing all your comments on some personal situation of your own which has no bearing whatsoever on mine. If you want to think I'm shameful, fine. But consider you have NO idea who I am except for my posts and the opinions that have grown in your heads...probably fueled by some personal experience of your own. What's really funny, is my wife isn't even as agitated as you are...apparently she and I are both mature enough to handle this and move forward the best way possible for the two of us and our son. DONT understand.

I came here looking for advice strictly on the sex thing. What I got was a lot of peripheral bull shit. For those that offered constructive advice germane to the topic...thank you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2010):

you make yourself seem like a good guy.


link your previous post.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2010):

You'll get used!! She just needs sex and your convenient. Also having sex will make it harder for you both to get over it

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2010):

so i take it that this is an update from your previous post - where you are having an affair and left your wife of over 20 years for your lover. your wife then wanted one last round of sex and you were weighing up the pros and cons.

firstly please link this previous post.

then answer a few questions:

- where is your lover now. a few weeks ago you were living with her and did not want to cheat on your lover.

- you deceided then not to have a round of sex with your wife.

what has changed????

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A female reader, Janice25 Aruba +, writes (26 July 2010):

Janice25 agony aunthELLO. I think u should have a more serious conversation with her.If that does not solve the problem u too should split and stay away from each other for a long period of time. I t seems she's got a lot going on inside her head

and she can´'t deal with it properly.

It really does seem weird to be having sex with someone who

was before ur spouse.It will only break u emotionally speaking.It seems to affect u.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2010):

It sounds to me like you are just a backup until she finds someone else. I would avoid this situation if I were you, you will just get hurt. Good luck.

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