A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My sister-in-law is a 43 year old single mom to an autistic son. He is now 15 years old. Now that he is getting older she is getting back into the dating scene. She has been divorced for more than 10 years now. Good for her, I think.The problem is that the guys she is dating are all much younger than she is. The latest one is 26 years old, single, and very inexperienced in the ways of the world. She gets very exasperated that she has to mother him all of the time, but I also think that she enjoys being looked up to as a voice of experience.The problem is that she is more into these guys than they are into her. She looks good for her age, but the fact remains that she is an older, single mom and these guys are just boys. They do not treat her as well as I wish they would, often just as a "friend." They say and do things that hurt her frequently and she bends over backwards for them. I feel she is a doormat.Her sister and I try to convince her that she needs to date guys her own age, but she thinks older men are boring and will try to dominate her. How long will a 26 year old guy be interested in a 43 year old? I just think that's a mistake when there's a teenaged son involved, especially when the 26 year old involved is just very confused, immature, and selfish.I have tried to tell her this and she thinks I am being unreasonable. She knows the age difference is large, but she still holds out hope. Frankly, I don't like the way these guys treat her no matter their age. Should I just butt out? My opinion seems unwanted.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2012): I have to add another voice to the "let her make her own mistakes, but you don't have to listen to her complain about it when she gets hurt" camp. Your SIL will learn, at some point, that the typical younger guy is only interested in her for sex. If they cared they wouldn't treat her poorly. So she'll continue to get hurt until she accepts that being a cougar is fine if she's just looking for some fun, but doesn't work out very well if she wants a lasting, long term relationship.
A
female
reader, bardia +, writes (12 February 2012):
 I'm 37 & have been with someone who is 24. He was too young & selfish & although the good times were really good (what we all hope for & hold to), he didn't appreciate what he had & disrespected me & the relationship. However, I know of 2 guys (24 & 25) who have their heads on right, who know how to really love & respect women. So it's not an age issue. I understand your concern for her if she's with someone who treats her poorly. But she's probably getting something that she needs out of that relationship. She will realize with time that he's not good for her. But it's not "just that easy" to break it off with even the bad ones, despite knowing one should. It's much more complicated than that. Try to support her & hopefully she'll come around & find someone who treats her with respect & love.
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A
female
reader, thinkb4  +, writes (12 February 2012):
Yes you are right, it is unwise. She still should be allowed to live by her own choices, whatever happens.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 February 2012):
 Yes you should butt out...
if their age was not a problem you would not complain about how she's a cougar... or that they were so young...
would it matter if the guy was 15 years older but still treated her badly...
As a mother of a disabled adult child on the autistic spectrum I understand where your SIL is.
My fiance is 38. I"ll be 52 next month. my kids are 27 and 25 so they are closer in age to him than I am...
IF you don't want to hear her complaints about the younger fellows she prefers, you have every right to tell her "I don't want to discuss your dating life"
BUT you have no right to tell her who she can and cannot or should or should not date...
I prefer younger men for lots of reasons and I HATE being called Cougar... but I've learned that society sees us as predators and no matter what I say or do that won't change...
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (12 February 2012):
 If she was an older guy dating younger women. you'd be slapping her on the back and shaking her hand lol.
She's a grown woman, I am pretty sure she knows what she is doing. Let her get on with it and don't say 'I told you so' because really it's none of your business.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 February 2012):
 Yes, perhaps is better if you step back. She is 43, she has the right to make her own choices, and her own mistakes . If the cougar thing does not work for her , she'll need to learn it the hard way,- before that, anything you say would fall on deaf ears and just antagonize her . Plus, frankly I think it's ingenerous of you to assume that if she goes out with a young man, that authomatically means she can't be a god mom, and very protective of her child wellbeing and interest, if needs be. Unless you aready KNOW her for a vapid airhead that thinks with her uterus and she has SHOWN that when she gets a crush she becomes totally neglectful of her responsibilities,- she will be able to put her child first regardless of her romantic and sexual choices, as tons of women who have non traditional partners or arrangements : women dating much OLDER men, or younger men, or ...other women.
I also would like to add that, while I am not 100% convinced that " age is just a number " ( there are objectively some problems connected with dating someone in a totally different age bracket ) , if this guy treats her poorly, it's not because he is 26, it's because she is a woman that accepts poor treatment.
It's not that if she finds a guy in his 50s he woud authomatically be nicer and treat her well, just because of age. We get letters from women who have been married 30 or 40 years and get a horribe treatment from their old codgers.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2012): I can totally relate to how she is feeling, newly on to the dating scene after what must have been a hard few years. She is finally able to think of herself and wants to let her hair down.Feel like a woman.
Yes these younger men may be unsuitable in alot of ways, yes she may end up getting hurt. But she has to see it for herself, she will only see advice as sour grapes.If she isn't hurting anyone else then its not so bad is it.
When she's 70 it won't matter who she dated and she will probably have a 70 year old man at her side.Just be a shoulder for her should she need one.
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A
male
reader, Myau  +, writes (12 February 2012):
 26 isnt that young. BUt the age gap is quite large. I know people who are more then 20 years apart who are very happy together and people who are teh same age who hate eachother.
We like who we like. Maybe she will realise that she needs something more after a few heartache's
Sadly the only thing you can do is be there for her, thats being a good friend afterall
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