A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Who was in the wrong here? Trying to get some perspective on my failing relationship :(I got tickets for a band I like and went with my boyf. I paid the tickets as its my fav band (he does like them too but not as much as me) and I wanted us to get the train but he insisted on driving us.I just wanted us to have a good time I haven't been to a gig for ages, I thought he would enjoy it I was wrong! Thewhole journey he bitched about how he didn't fancy it then when we got there I tried to find us somewhere to eat (I don't know the area) he didn't like anything I suggested and but wouldn't choose himself. Eventually we had food and a drink by this time the gig was about to start, just as we were leaving boyf suddenly needs the toilet (has IBS) I gave him his ticket and said I'd meet him in there so I didn't miss the start. I waited at the back for AGES I even went outside twice I was missing everything and they started playing songs I like so I went into the croud\mosh pit (thought boyf wouldn't want me to miss it) after a bit I came back out and found him by the door. He wouldn't touch me or look at me he said I made him look like a twat standing on his own. He didn't believe me that I waited for him first and said why was I dancing with stangers other men? (It was a punk gig so mostly men). On the walk to car I had a problem that I get that caused me to walk v slow (complication from an old surgey I had). He walkd ahead of me and getting yelling at me to hurry up. In the car I got a tirade of abuse about how stupid and out of order I am. I then asked if he didn't want to be with me anymore as lately he doesn't seem to like me much. He kept telling me to shut up and that he had 'nothing to say'. I said I wanted an answer about what is happening with us he wouldn't give me one.I cried I felt awful. I offer him to stay in spare room at mine as it was late, he wanted to stay in my bed, but we didn't speak or even hug.he still won't talk to me. I have no idea what is going on here. I am in the wrong? Did I deserve this? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2015): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K7Ujp-4tRBI
maybe this will explain a little bit?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2015): Hi there
He's abusive I'm afraid, pure and simple. So you understand more of what is going on please read 'Why Does he Do That?' by Professor Lundy Bancroft.
It will help you to realise that you are dealing with someone who has no interest in sorting things out between you or being logical and rational. He only wants to control you, make you less independent, make you unhappy. Hard to believe I know, but if you read the book I suggest you will see your boyfriend's behaviour inbetween the pages. The fact that he told you to shut up and was unwilling to engage in any discussion is very indicative of abuse. So sorry but the less time you waste on him, the better. He is not interested in changing and he will make you increasingly distressed. Good luck x
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2015): he was jealous of the band..
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2015): Thanks for the replies, I think both have a point. I don't think what I did was bad but wanted another opinion.I love my boyf and he has a lot of great qualities but this stroppy thing he does I just don't know how to deal with it.he goes in a mood and then a big row happens. This is not the first time this has happened and probably won't be the last. He woke up the next day and just acts like nothing happened, he said he wouldn't answer me before because ' obviously he wants to be with me'. When he throws these strops there is just nothing I can say to smooth things over.I asked him why he does it and he says 'I'm a bit nuts' and laughs it off. His mood completely changes. Like he's forgotten how bad it was.I live with him we spend a lot of time together but this kind of thing happens every one or 2 months. I guess I have to decide if I can live with this or not. Its wearing me down.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (9 August 2015):
He didn’t really want to go and he was determined to spoil your night. No decent boyfriend would have kicked up a stink if your waiting for him meant that you’d miss the start of a gig that you’d paid for and were really looking forward to. I fear that jls022 might be wright that he set out to ruin your evening. IF he didn’t want to go, all he had to do was tell you before you purchased a ticket. I think you can do without a sulking, whinging idiot like this. Do you actually get anything from this relationship anymore? Or are you just with him because what we know is what we’re comfortable with, even if it makes us unhappy? I think there will be many more nights out ruined by this man and many more tears to be cried unless you break things off.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (9 August 2015):
Also, he said he wanted to stay in your bed but wouldn't look at you, touch you and was verbally abusive when you tried to speak to him? You should have told him to sleep in the spare room or done it yourself. He was trying to make you feel bad which is why he wanted to keep you there - so he could continue the punishment and keep you feeling bad/rejected for as long as possible.
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (9 August 2015):
No you don't deserve it at all. This is exactly how my ex boyfriend used to behave - I could honestly have written this myself. In the case of my ex, he would be mad when I asked him to do anything he didn't want to do. Most of the time he wouldn't do it at all, so I'd be left trying to explain why he was no longer coming to my sister's birthday dinner or trying to find someone to use his ticket.
In the rare cases where he did do things he wasn't keen on, he behaved exactly how you describe. It was as if he was allowed to cause a huge drama because he was doing me the 'favour' of doing something he didn't want to. And when I ignored his bitching and moaning, he got even more annoyed because I wasn't fussing over him like he wanted.
It sounds like your boyfriend is the exact same. He didn't want to go and thought you should have either agreed not to go or been so appreciative that he'd done it anyway, that you should be willing to put up with his bad mood. Then when you didn't pander to him or miss the band for him, he got even more annoyed.
Make no mistake about this - he didn't want you to enjoy that gig. Acting up like this is a means of control as it puts you off ever asking him to do anything again to keep the peace.
He's acting like a little child. He didn't want to go, but instead of sucking it up and realising that it was something you were really excited about, he got more and more mad because you weren't giving in to his complaining.
I think you should stop asking him if he wants to be with you, and start spelling out what YOU want and expect. Tell him that you were really looking forward to it and ask him why he couldn't have willingly gone along with it for your sake, even if he didn't really fancy it that day? There are lots of things I'm sure you've done for him that wouldn't have been your first choice at the time. But you compromise because there are two of you in the relationship.
I'd bet my last dollar that he'll try to turn it around on you for going back into the crowd, but don't let him. I'm almost positive he deliberately took ages in the bathroom because as I said before, he wanted to drag your mood down to the same level as his. Sadly, although I agree with what you did by going back in, it's given him more ammunition to throw at you. Make sure you stick to your guns.
I wish you luck in trying to get through to him, but I will say that with my ex it was ingrained into him and no amount of talking could have fixed it. He acted like a child because he had always gotten away with it, and I eventually decided I couldn't deal with it any more. I hope yours is different.
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