A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've recently discovered that my partner if 6 years is secretly using a vibrator when she thinks I'm asleep. This has been ongoing now for 5 months and every time I ask her she becomes very angry and denial sets in. We have a very open relationship and talk about everything except this and our sex life is also good however since I've found this out I've become frustrated as I feel betrayed and inadequate to satisfy her needs. I my mindset is driving a wedge between us both as a result but how do I just get her to admit to her use ?? I'm open to the idea for sure and have expressed this to her but again she claims she not idea what I'm talking about even to the degree that I rolled over one night after pretending to be asleep as I listened to her in action for sometime to kiss her and move closer to join her to reacting in a way that she was asleep and got angry for "waking" her up but I know full well she wasn't and to roll over and presume my pretend sleeping to hear her start up again not even 2 minutes later !! This is driving me crazy ! Any help on what I should do would be greatly appreciated.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (30 June 2017):
 Do you not masturbate?
A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate  +, writes (26 June 2017):
I would tell you to let this go but how do you let it go when your wife is lying to your face? I find it peculiar as heck that she feels the need to lie and becomes defensive when you raise this subject.
My guess is that she is unable to orgasm thru regular intercourse and is dependent on the vibrator. She has probably been using the vibrator your This probably causes her a great deal of anxiety and embarrassment.
You say you have a good open relationship. If true sit your wife down and in a calm non accusatory way tell her how her lying makes you feel. Maybe then you can get her to open up. Explain that her denials and defensiveness are hurting your marriage and you need an open honest discussion before things get too bad.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2017): Another fragile male ego....
Listen, we all masturbate. Men AND women. In relationships or not.
I am in a very amazing sexual relationship and I STILL masturbate on my own. And I always will.
It has nothing to do with you or your sexual prowess or abilities. Nothing.
She is just pleasuring herself. Period. Don't read into it. We all have needs. You take it way too personally.
Guys do it all the time. And have no issues with it. And women put up with it. Well, why don't you do the same thing? We are equal. If men can, then so can women.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (26 June 2017):
 Offer to do the vibrator on her yourself. There is a great way for you to make her feel good. You don't have to have her admit anything. Let all that go and move on with pleasing her with the vibrator yourself.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (26 June 2017):
 Just drop it. She's allowed to masturbate without you. She doesn't have to tell you she does it, just like you don't have to tell her if you do it.Look online with her, *without* mentioning her vibrator(!), and see if you can find things to enjoy together, but stop trying to make her admit it - it's none of your business, really.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2017): Hey , at least she is not using pictures of other men and imagining she was with someone who looked different to you Like most men use porn of women who are half their wives age and have never even been pregnant! Think yourself lucky !
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2017): Just to add to what tha others have said, why not add some toys to your love making like a vibrator or why not get her one of them vibrating panties that you can hold the controle,
Bring her out for a sexy night to a hot club, Try some new things to get some new excitment in your lives ,
I even brought my wife to a swing club a few times not to swing but to change things a bit , We even got a room there just for us ,
You might find some thing simple that can make a big difference, I don't need to tell you that there is more to sex than climax,
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (26 June 2017):
 Are you telling me that the only orgasms you've had for 6 years have been with her?? You haven't rubbed one off on your own?? Ever?
Just because she does this doesn't mean your sex life isn't good or that you're inadequate, no more than when you masturbate when she's not around.
I personally am not a fan of having "me-time" when my husband is 1 foot away from me. You could install a showerhead in the bathroom, which may move her solo-time into the shower, which is its own brand of exquisite!
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (26 June 2017):
 Don't feel inadequate if your sex life is good otherwise. It may be possible that she isn't orgasming during sex and is using other devices to achieve such results.
Since she feels like you are confronting her "dirty little secret" then I would leave it alone for a few weeks or so. Then come back to the topic and calmly invite her friends in your next romp. After all they do make toys for couples.
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