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*tressedout Dave
writes:my partner of 11 years says she loves me but does not want sex,no reason given,she also says she feels emotionally dead.this has been like this for the past year and led to many arguments where we both throw things from the past at each other,this situation is stressing me out but the hardest thing to accept is that during the past year she started texting a guy she went to school with and ended up having sex with him,she says she blotted it out because she has no sexual feeling.i forgive her but cant forget and ifeel it is all my fault.i love my parner to bits and i feel so rejected cold and lonely its as if i dont exist anymore i feel like a leper in our relationship,i have tried everything to get through to her but feel i cant win no matter what i do.
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reader, rcn  +, writes (4 November 2007):
 So you had the evidence right there, verifiable evidence and she denied it? That changes my view a little bit, from a cold cold women to having psychologically based difficulties.
I really wouldn't doubt it if she has developed a personality disorder. Reason being. (1) Doesn't take responsibility for her actions, even if the evidence of her behavior can be proven. (2) Getting stressed by you showing more love and affection (if you read enough stories on here, you can tell people really desire more affection in their relationships).
Let me give you a small view of guilt based behavioral disorders. Keeping guilt and emotions in cause them to grow. You say "honey I love you so much" her mind says "Why does he keep lying to me, after what I did to him, he should hate me, i hate myself for doing this, he keeps lying, theirs no way he can love me, he wants me to tell him the truth by he keeps lying to me." etc.
Whatever we continue telling ourselves becomes the truth our mind sees. Positive or negative. It will also override anything else that anyone else says to us.
I recently worked with a mother and her child. Her child has ADHD, and Defiance Disorder. People with ADHD many times feel stupid. They keep trying to accomplish and fail, so they keep telling themselves their failures. She told me "well I tell him all the time he's smart and he can do it." That's all well and good, but he's been telling himself the opposite for so long that her words mean nothing to him. We developed a home plan for work to show his actions as a success instead of reassuring him with words. It goes to show the power of how our mind can empower who we are, and at the same time we can literally destroy ourselves by keeping the wrong thoughts.
I really hope this works out for you. I think many people were renewed after 911. My uncle retired from the Pentagon 2 years prior, and another uncle, who worked for the Department of State, was in the process of selling his home when that happened, 2 miles away from the incident.
It makes you treasure life, and appreciate those you get the privilege of spending time with. I look at how so many people treat others with disrespect, and poor actions, daily I'm disappointed in the way others can act. Being on here, I know many people who give advice will change the direction of at least one person. That one person makes this site worth the time and effort. It's a spiral. I received a personal message on her, she mentioned she takes my advise and shares it with personal friends and people she knows to help them. If enough people care, this world can change.
Take care, I really wish you the best.
A
male
reader, stressedout Dave +, writes (3 November 2007):
stressedout Dave is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwhen i first wrote about my problems i did not mention that there are 3 children involved in this all of whom i love dearly.To explain my situation better i need to go backwards a little bit.My partner and i both work as taxi drivers and work opposite shifts, the business belongs to me.As i said about a year ago i could sense cracks appearing in our relatonship, we had lost the closeness we had.At the time running the business stressed the hell out of me,then one night when i put the kids to bed while my partner was out working i sat down to watch a film about the 911 terrorist attacks,this film moved me very deeply these people knew they were going to die but through out they kept there spirit there closeness and there love for one another.It was at this time i realised how much i actually loved my partner and things needed to change i wanted to be a better person,not that iam a bad person to begin with.I talked this over with her but she seemed set in her ways and could not understand me.My partner unlike me does not talk or show her feelings to anyone.I suppose in one way me going on about the deeper meanings of life over the past year stressed her out, and me going on constantly about how i felt about her had the complete opposite effect.This whole affair backed me into a corner and washed me out completely to the point where i tried to end it all,i could see at the time no way out,i craved her love so badly but it just did not seem there.Iam a stubborn person however and still had some fight in me i could not give up.During all this there would be constant texts from the other guy to her and this took me to a point of paranoia,i would check her phone whenever the oppertunity arose and see texts from him teling her he loved her and wanted her,this led to great upset between the two of us and she would deny that she loved him,she started to hide her phone from me encrypted it with pin numbers or have it switched off when i was around.This whole thing was pushing me over the edge,i needed to know the truth even if it hurt and the crunch came one night when i planted my voice recorder in the office and heard the whole thing happening.I told her we needed to talk yet even armed with this she denied it,i said i could forgive her but not forget and this was her golden oppertunity to tell me the truth even if it hurt me but to this day i dont think she will ever tell me straight,the biggest hurt from all this is mistrust.Slowly i am trying to repiece our life together and although she says she loves me nothing has really changed.She still speaks to the other guy even though i pointed out my feelings on this,she says he is just a friend she has known from school even though i say it went beyond friendship.I hate myself for being paranoid and going to the lengths i did to find the truth.It probably seems mad to anyone that we are still together but i cant help the love i have for her and i cant just walk away and she wont tell me to go,its like being balanced on a knife edge.What the heck am i meant to do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2007): I think she's making it up about being emotionally dead. I personally would start widening your social network to include women and start enjoying life. Maybe you will see happier times outside of this relationship and it will be enough to show you that you are clinging on to a rotten piece of driftwood. I'm sorry to sound harsh but you seem like such a nice guy I think you deserve better.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (2 November 2007):
If she was emotionally dead and didn't want sex, she wouldn't have done it with someone else. If she's that emotionally dead, they have places for her, it includes a padded room and a straight jacket.
I'd tell her, "OK but I think I deserve a better relationship than what we're having, If you're having emotional problems lets see a psychologist and figure this out."
Lets look at something and be realistic when thinking about this comment. "I have no sexual feeling so I blotted it out."
If I have a piece of paper and I haven't written anything on it, would there be a reason to erase what's on there?
If she didn't have sexual feeling, she'd have nothing to blot in the first place. I think she's full of it.
Either changes need to happen, or you need to tell her goodbye.
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A
female
reader, Strippa +, writes (2 November 2007):
 Wake up & smell the coffee huni - she does have sexual feelings just not for you! You need to move on - this isn't your fault you have just grown apart - try showing an interest in other women - if she's jealous she has chemistry if not its over move on or be a "good companion" i would opt for somone who doesn't treat me like a door mat xx
good luck chick xx be strong
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