A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My partner is the male version of me. Before I met him, I was fully convinced there was no one else like me out there, and that I was doomed to spend my life alone. I'm "different", always have been. I'm extremely introverted, to the point where I don't have any friends because I simply don't interact with people. I go to work, come home, and that's it. That's my social interaction for the day. (I don't count any other outings I make, because I'm not required to talk to anyone like I am at work). People tend to get on my nerves when I hear them talk. Whether it be at work, a store, a park, or wherever I happen to be. I just don't want any part of it. My partner completely understands this like no one else before, and he was the one to approach me. Otherwise we probably never would have gotten to know each other. Now, onto my problem: I've never had it where attraction between me and another person was mutual. Either I liked them but them not me, or vise versa. So yes, you guessed it. I'm not sexually attracted to my partner. I don't mean I find him unattractive. He's 5'10" with wavy brown hair, big green eyes, great smile, and takes care of his body. There's nothing not to like about his appearance. I just don't feel that way about him, and truthfully never have. I gave him a chance strictly based on the fact I liked his personality. I know it's not a problem with my sex drive, because I get attracted to other men all the time...ones who are less attractive than my partner. Examples: The men I'm currently attracted to, one is only 30 but is already showing signs of aging, he has yellow teeth from smoking, and rough looking skin. The other one was is more youthful looking (he's 23), but his facial features are small, and don't really go together. Yet these 2 men drive me wild sexually. I fantasize about them all the time. (No, I've never let this on to either of them as I'm not a cheater). I can't figure this out, and it's driving me insane. These other 2 men are nice men just like my partner, but I certainly couldn't see myself being with them. They're too much more outgoing that I don't think they would like to be with a loner. Also, from hearing them talk to other people, they don't seem like they would have much in common with me. So I know it's not their personalities I find attractive. This is strictly a physical issue I'm dealing with, because I much prefer my partner's personality to either of theirs. Sorry for the length of this post, I just need to get it out there, and get some advise from people who have had a similar experience. To make this easier, I'll put this into questions:Why am I not able to get turned on thinking about my very attractive partner, yet I'm so attracted to ugly men? I absolutely adore each and every one of their imperfections. I want to stroke their faces, and tell them how desirable they look to me. What do I do in this situation? Is there any way I can focus this attraction to my partner instead? Have you ever become attracted to someone you weren't before? I feel I can't leave because I love everything else about him. Wouldn't it be insane to throw all that away just so I can try to be with someone I'm sexually attracted to? Or would it only be fair to leave? I've been with him 5 years.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2013): P.S. I think chigirl's suggestions are all awesome (and I plan on taking a few, lol!) if you had the spark once and have lost it, but if you NEVER had it, I think you're somewhat out of luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2013): I think that the key phrase here, referring to physical attraction, is that it "truthfully never was" there. I used to think like you, that emotional attachment -- physical attraction, but since meeting my own partner, I have realized that this is not true. The first moment I saw him, I was completely floored. I think my jaw LITERALLY dropped (at least that's the way he tells the story!). I wanted to drag him into the next room and rip his clothes off. That feeling hasn't changed.Being an introverted, very cerebral girl myself, this had never happened to me in my life before. My relationships had always been with guys that I found some woeful common ground with, whom I would get infatuated with and then pretend that I was attracted to...but I wasn't. The thought of sex with all of them would repel me, despite the "bond"y feeling and the "no one else understands me" feeling that was inevitably present. I wondered what was wrong with me, until I met my honey. Without sounding dismissive, I will tell you from EXTENSIVE experience with JUST THIS feeling that this is not the one dude who gets you, nor is he a male version of you. I know it feels that way. There are similarities, I'm sure. Let it go if you don't want to bone him now -- will you want to do so when you're both 60? You are attracted to what you are attracted to. Enjoy, but don't overanalyze it. It seems like this partner of yours is more of a stopgap for you -- someone who exists to make you feel like you're not alone in a world that makes you feel just that. I get it. Do it for now if you feel you have to. Just know that this isn't what true partnership is about.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (15 November 2013):
 There is no formula to why you might find someone attractive and someone else not. You cannot make yourself fancy someone - you either do or you don't.
I think you should seriously consider ending your relationship so you can both find people you like in every way.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (15 November 2013):
 Ooh, another thing is to do things you think of as forbidden. Dont break the law, but for example have sex in your parents car. Or outdoors. Or just in a position you think is unheard of. Tempt yourself with these thoughts at least. Or do role play.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (15 November 2013):
You are turned on by what you cant have. Thats my take on it. You said yourself these two are not as attractive as your partner. So what do they have? They are unavailable. Your partner is available. You are attracted to the unavailable, its that simple.
Me and my partner are a bit up the same street, although you've got it differently. We get extremely turned on wgen we are not supposed to and its not the time/place for it. Because we shouldnt have sex, we want it. When we DO have time we rarely do it. But when we dont have time.. Lets just say we dont get much sleep and are often late.
So I recommend an experiment. Inform your partber you want to try something new, because you have something you think turns you on. And you want to try it out. Tell him to not touch you or be available to you for a week. Tell him to then take control. He gets to decide when/if you have sex. If you dont want to, you are allowed to say no, but you arent allowed to ask him for it. This way you lose control, and he will not be as available.
Or, do a thought experiment. Pretend he is married to someone else and you are the mistress.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2013): First of all, may be these men you are attracted to are not ugly, may be they are just less handsome than your boyfriend.
Physical attraction is not nessesesary ly based on a fact what society thinks is attractive. Few years ago I met this guy who looked like a big teady bear. He was not in the greatest shape, little belly, round face, big lips, big cheeks. I had this crazy attraction toward him, and the best sex. His personality turned me off, as he was a bit explosive whenever he didn't like something even a bit. So, I left, but as you see appearance sometimes doesn't have to be beatifull for you to be attracted to someone.
What you describe toward your boyfriend is just friendship. You like his quality as a person but nothing more.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (15 November 2013):
Dear OP,
You're asking many big and important questions here.. I'm trying to answer as good as I can.
1) Why do you not get turned on, thinking about your partner, but yet you're attracted to ugly men?
Well, maybe there is no objective scale to measure attractivity and those guys are not that ugly to you, after all. Or, after 5 years of relationship, you're simply bored and curious about something new. And those guys seem very different from your current partner, so you get a thrill thinking of them.
2) Is there any way I can focus my attraction on my partner instead?
If you've never ever been sexually attracted towards him, I don't think you can do that now. If there had been some sexual desire, let's say 2 or 3 years ago, and a thrilling sex life, then you could try to rekindle the flame.
3) Have you ever become attracted to someone you weren't before?
Yes. Or, maybe I should say this more precise. I've had good friends (that didn't look too bad) that I became more and more attracted to after a certain time.
4) Wouldn't it be insane to throw all that away just so I can try to be with someone I'm sexually attracted to?
No. Not insane at all. Just a very difficult decision you have to make, because either way you'll have to give up something important (either your relationship or any chance of sexual satisfaction). With you saying you love everything, just don't desire him sexually.. it sounds more like a very good and deep friendship. No one wants to give that up easily. But look, your fantasies and desires are not with him and maybe it's better you're honest about this before you do something stupid that might hurt him. And also, if you are honest about not desiring him, you give him a chance to decide it's time to end the relationship and find a girl that desires him sexually.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2013): I would just add that I would think its unlikely that a physical attraction will appear at some stage down the line. His features are unlikely to change all that much in the next 5 to 10 years. Also its perfectly normal to prefer a flawed-in-some-way physical appearance compared to somebody who is classically good looking, with a perfectly symmetrical face for example. Physical imperfectionsor differences can be appealing. I would also say that there are I should think MANY other people out there who are introverted and prefer to stay at home each night and to have a quiet life. Not all guys are after a girl to go dancing with or to take round their mates' houses each night or to do lots of activities with. I'd say men differ as much as women in this respect. I myself am a bit schizophrenic in this regard as I like going out and partying hard but then at other times I can think of nothing worse and just enjoy chilling out after work or at the weekend and watching films and hanging out with my partner. I guess its a sliding scale. I'd imagine there are just as many introverts as there are extroverts to be found. As to what you should do... Its difficult to say. I think it would take a lot of courage to walk away from a 5 year relationship and to go out and meet new people, particularly if socialising isn't a strong point. On the other hand if there's a constantly nagging voice saying ' I really could be happier and I want a relationship where both mental AND physical attraction occurs' then I say it is probably worth moving on. However bear in mind it could take weeks/months/years to find. You only live once and regrets can be difficult to deal with as time goes by - In your situation regrets could arise from whatever action/inaction you take. You have to be prepared for it and to deal with it emotionally.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2013): My question to you is, why are you "with" your partner when(a) you don't feel attracted to him and never were(b) you don't even like being around people or interacting with people to begin with.It sounds to me like you have a good friend in him. But for some reason you feel the need or inability to maintain a friendship therefore in order to keep this one platonic friend, you had to label it as an intimate relarionship...?It isn't healthy to be carrying on a relationship that is supposed to be intimate in nature but where you have no sexual attraction. it isn't fair to him. If all you see in him is a platonic friend then why not make that clear? What do you have to lose by bringing your actions more in line with your feelings?As for why you find "ugly " men attractive - well if you find them attract tobe then they aren't ugly, right?Perhaps also you have a fear of intimacy? That is why you don't feel connected to the guy who likes you and who you are familiar with, but feel attracted to the guys who are so different that you know you will never be in a relationship with them?
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (15 November 2013):
 you can't force physical attraction. if it's not there, it's not there.
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