A
female
age
51-59,
*alo3six
writes:Hi,My partner who i live with, is addicted to online gaming. Not only that, but when he does deign to spend any time with me, it's generally him wanting to "get it on", he cannot seem to understand why his behaviour and attitude towards me and the ways things are, is in no way (and it's pretty obvious to me) a turn on for me, especially with the ever growing distance, as a result, between us, which is another issue in itself... there's more distance and less of a connection as time passes and he doesn't seem to understand that as that distance becomes more and more, it's going to take more than just a nice dinner (which he expects immediate results from - eg SEX) to fix things, especially when it's only ever as a result of a fight over his gaming, and not just because...When i get upset about how much time he spends on it, he always turns it around and makes it about me and how if i wasn't always complaining then maybe he wouldn't play so much (yeah, right!)and would WANT to spend time with me, making me out to be a bad person because who doesn't want him to have any hobbies and do nothing else except be at my beck and call. Generally he'll get up at 6am or thereabouts (sometimes as early as 3am) and off he'll go, whatever time i wake up there he is - gaming. The only time he isn't is when he takes toilet breaks, gets hungry or comes in to reset the modem because it's dropped out. Not only that but he is a smoker as well and despite my repeated requests not to (i don't smoke), he always smokes inside when he thinks he can get away with it because he wants his game AND his cigarette and won't get off his butt and take the two steps away from him computer and outside. It's so obvious, from the smell and incense burning, in an attempt to cover the smell, that he's being doing so.. that and the fact i've caught him red handed. He just laughs it off and tries to make a joke of it, which to me it isn't - it stinks and also presents potential health problems for me. I have told him time and time again not to do it, that i really don't appreciate his lack of respect for MY health.He is of the opinion that nothing he does makes me happy so why would he want to be around me... it's a catch 22, i'm getting more and more upset/unhappy and frustrated because essentially i may as well be single and feel like i'm living with someone that is nothing more than a room mate. He argues that he cooks and he cleans but as it is I do most of the chores and when he DOES decide to pull his finger out and help, he does a half arsed job of it which nearly always results in my having to redo it. I pay the bills, i do the shopping, anything we need i source (he does give me money towards things but i'm the one making sure everything gets paid so we don't starve or have nowhere to live etc). I have to get upset and yell for him to do anything, it seems like he has no interest into putting any effort into, or being "present" in our relationship...Suggestions?
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice  + ♥, writes (12 July 2011):
 Halo,
Thanks for the follow up. I understand better now some of the things you wrote originally. It seems your relationship is a bit of a running battle. I do see some manipulation on his part. Your behavior is also part of the problem as I am sure you see. I have no advice for you on the anger/ anxiety issue. I wondering if you would be better off to post a new thread to get some fresh interest on that side of the problem.
FA
A
female
reader, Halo3six +, writes (12 July 2011):
Halo3six is verified as being by the original poster of the questionso an update...not much of one..he had decided to give up smoking, with that he has asked me to understand that he will probably get very touchy and narky over anything and everything and to just walk away from him if he starts getting out of line. Problem with that is i'm not one to just sit there and cop it on the chin if someone is making all sorts of crazy accusations and flying off the handle left right and centre, even if they are in the throws of nicotine withdrawal... i arc up right back at them and then off goes the bomb!
We had a huge fight over the weekend, over some imagined "look" i gave him, which escalated into him accusing me of telling him he was shit and couldn't do anything right - What i'd actually asked him, was if he could put the doonas (duvets/quilt etc)in the cupboard.. A lot of yelling on his part, going completely crazy and storming out of the house. i didn't speak to him for the next two days and stayed at a friends. When i got home, the place was spotless, there were a bunch of roses and a pack of Tim Tams (a yummy Aussie chocolate biscuit)and some other sweets i like.
We've been talking about stuff and i have told him how i feel - lost, lonely, abandoned etc and that he can't just expect me to say nothing. He says he "gets" it about the gaming and has decided to try playing one that's not online so at least when i come in, he can pause it etc.. although when i'm sleeping or out he plays the multiplayer one. I have a pathological/irrational hatred of that damn game and computer now, when i come home if i see him sitting at it, i am immediately a time bomb just waiting to go off.. i can't help it. He laid it all out, the problems we face, pretty succinctly but then tries telling me i'm not allowed to bring certain things up because they don't concern me (i asked him if he'd seen his doctor lately, ONE question and he was OFF!).. arrrrgh! which is bullshit, cause if it's affecting "us", it sure as hell is my business as far as i can see it... I have no idea what to do, i'm not trained for this sort of stuff and can't talk to him about seeing someone cause he just flares up. Sometimes i feel like he's trying to use scare tactics on me, one problem for him there - i won't cower in a corner and take it, i'll give what i get.. it's a vicious circle. *sigh*.. He's very good at putting the blame on me for his actions.
i know he really DOES have anxiety problems, i've seen him at his worst when he's barely been able to move through an extreme fear reaction to nothing, backed up in a corner.
Don't s'pose anyone can recommend any good anxiety/relationship/anger help books/audio books/downloads etc...? First hand experience would be awesome!
Cheers!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2011): My Bf is a serious gamer and i was constantly snapping over him spending hours on online games especially when i have two children and he has a demanding job, in the end we had a talk about it and now he is more considerate and i don't bug him as much, so far everything is blissful hes even trying to get me addicted to xbox while he plays online but im wise to him haha.
Maybe you should let him see some of these replies and see what he says, or tell him that you feel that he doesn't care for you anymore, i know how you feel, it makes you feel unloved, unattractive and boring ask him why he wants to be there when all he does is go online, it takes two people to make a relationship work, tell him you cant do it on your own, best of luck :)
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (27 June 2011):
Halo,Thanks for being so kind in replying to everyone. I agree With Chi that 2 hours is a pretty good goal. Remember that the first step of any 12 step addiction program is to admit that you have a problem. When he can do that things will move forward. After I wrote my first reply, I went to exercise. As I was cruising up and down the pool, I kept thinking about your post. You made quite a point about the bedroom situation. We talk often about sex starved relationships. This happens when one partner with a low sex drive lowers the frequency to a point that is not fulfilling to the partner. Often the low drive person does not realize or fully comprehend that the high drive person is suffering. A viscous cycle begins. The high drive person feels resent full and begins to show that attitude. The low drive person feels that they are being punished but they don't understand why. So they retreat and withdraw intimacy. Then the high drive person becomes even more resentful. Eventually intimacy ceases altogether. This is not exactly the case in your relationship. You are getting as much sex as you want, and he is getting as much as he is willing to work into his gaming schedule. You are being starved of emotional intimacy. You want to feel connected to him. Much more connected than two people who share a house. You feel frustrated because you are hungry and you aren't being fed. So you pull away from him. When you do that you get even less of what you need. You need to consciously break the cycle. I know you will think that this is giving in to his demands, but it is not, it is demanding what you need. With women emotional intimacy leads to Physical intimacy. With men it runs backwards. If you want him to be emotionally intimate with you, you need to be physically intimate with him. Even if you don't feel like it. And, you won't feel like it. Right now you are full of resentment and feeling sexy is the last thing on your mind. Your emotions are also withdrawn. So here is what you do. You make a schedule for sex. No need to tell him what it is. It should be about 3 times a week, or somewhere just less than it was before the computer came between you. You will need to plan and initiate every event for the first few weeks. Make sure they are fun , playful and full of sharing. No silently "just doing it". This is your time to connect with him. You need to let him know that you are STARVING to be with him. Part of the goal is to get your emotional intimacy while you are doing it. This could help both problems. First he should feel more connected to you right away. This should lead to him talking to you more. It will give him something better to leave the gaming for. It will help him to see what he is missing. It will make you seem to be nagging him less. The only danger I see is that he might, for a time, think you are nagging him for sex. I think his drive is high enough to avoid that. You will get more intimacy both physical and emotional.In short what I am saying is, if you want more closeness don't shut him out of his best path to closeness. FA
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male
reader, Drew21  +, writes (27 June 2011):
 Wow, this guy really is in deep.I have to admit i'm a bit of a gamer myself. When my wife and i were dating, and leading up to our marriage, she lived 3 hours up the road, and so i spent my weekdays alone at an apartment near my work. I gamed and it kept me out of trouble.Of course, when we finally were able to get a place and movein together, i was working the evening shift, so when i got home at night she'd be asleep. So a-gaming i would go. It still wasn't really hurting anyone. When i got a day shift, and was coming home in the evening for dinner and such with my wife, suddenly it became an issue.I really hadn't realized how reliant i'd become on gaming, and it had never really been an issue before because when my wife was awake, i would spend time with her.We went through a period where i was still trying to game my regular amount, but it seriously cut into any time we spent together as a couple. After about a month or 2 of this, my wife laid it all out. Gave me a healthy does of reality.She was tired of going to sleep alone every night, while i sat downstairs on the computer with my headphones on. She hated that the only time i came up to bed with her was to fulfill our marital duties, she really wasn't happy.It took me a couple of arguments with her to really understand. Eventually we worked out the following:Tuesday and Thursdays were my nights to game (and any night when she falls asleep early :P). Those nights she would find something to do, maybe even go out with her friends or something, cause my headphones were going on and they weren't coming off till some big monsters had died. Every other night of the week we would try to have some couple time together, be it handling serious issues, like financial stuff, or playing a boardgame or watching a tv show together, or something.I don't know if something like that might help you?
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reader, chigirl  +, writes (27 June 2011):
 I completely understand how you feel, if that's of any comfort. The best memory I have of my ex is of his back, as he'd always be faced towards his computer. If I wanted to talk to him I literally had to stand in front of the computer or else he wouldn't look in my direction when talking to me. Of course the gamin has everything to do with his health. I was about to ask how's his back, as sitting crouched over a computer isn't good for your back, or neck for that matter. There are ways to control the gaming. For example insert parent control over the internet. I am sure you can ask some technician to set it up so that from this to that time, internet is off access. Alternatively enter a password on the internet that only you know of, for the time when he's not supposed to play. Another option is that you remove whatever part he needs to play. Like take the screen away and lock it up somewhere, then take the key with you.Then estimate his addiction by the lengths he'll go to to play without a screen. Or take the modem with you when you leave, or lock it up when he's not to play. But like I said, restrictions must come with his agreement, or else he might resort to kidnapping some of your valuables and keep it hostage until he gets his modem/screen/internet back. The timing thing is exactly why you need a set amount of hours. Not a "no playing from 10am" codex. A rule that says "7 hours gaming each day". Seeing as he plays around 12 hours on average (sounds like it), setting it down to 7 hours should be possible to negotiate. Then see how it goes and when the time is right, set it down even further, around 1-2 hours less each time. If he doubts you when it comes to his health all he needs to do is ask his doctor. But I think he knows just as well as you do that this is because of the gaming.Sure, he's within his rights to do whatever he please, but self destructive behaviour is what we need to prevent people from doing. His behaviour is self destructive, and it ruins the relationship. It is ultimately his choice: healthy lifestyle with good relationship, or gaming lifestyle with back problems, and being single and not communicating with the real world. In addition, he'll not be able to finish education, or keep a job, if all he does is game. It speaks for itself where it'll end up. It is ultimately his choice (the only time it isn't is when people are suicidal), but you also have the choice to not accept this and leave. I do wish you luck, but like I said, for me it has become a deal breaker and I don't accept it. I don't want to see, hear, or talk about certain games (World of Warcraft to be precise). When I moved in with another man (not the gaming addict) I said I'd allow maximum one hour of gaming while I was present. He could game all he wanted when I was out of the house, but while I was at home I didn't want to see it happening. With all the guys I've been with since my gaming ex I ask specifically about their gaming habits and explain that I don't tolerate excessive gaming. It's either me or the gaming, their choice. You're already in deep with this man though, so leaving is harder. But don't pussyfoot around this, it is quite serious.
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A
female
reader, Halo3six +, writes (27 June 2011):
Halo3six is verified as being by the original poster of the question@ Chigirl,
Hi and thanks for your advice... yes, this is my first time dealing with this sort of thing. He seems to think that it doesn't matter how many hours a day he spends on it, that he should be able to do what he wants when he wants and i shouldn't be so nagging and trying to stop him from doing something he enjoys..
The last excessive one i timed was 17.25 hours out of a 24 hour period (which also happened to include my birthday), as you can see, not much time left for me once sleeping is done.
How is his health? Funny you should ask - it's shot to shit (excuse my language). No he doesn't work out and he's put on weight, he's unhealthy and his health is just getting worse. He complains more and more about how crap and sick he feels, how sore his back is and his sleep is all out of wack (A sleep in for him is 6am). He rarely goes outside unless its up the road to get his (very early) morning coffee. He constantly complains about all of this, wondering why such a thing is happening. Fairly easy to figure out as far as i can see but he completely disagrees with me when i give him my opinion that perhaps all of this is happening BECAUSE of the gaming, because he spends almost 24/7 sitting on his arse playing games, drinking coffee and smoking. He tells me that has nothing to do with it and i think i know everything. I've tried to tell him that his anxiety will only get worse through gaming but he won't be told.
Not only that but i have my own problems to deal with too, i have really bad knee and wrist injuries which make it at times virtually impossible for me to do most things without wanting to neck myself from the pain so there are times i really need his help, but most times i just have to do everything myself, just double the workload because i'm carrying him as well. He DOES do dinner but usually it's some half arsed meal because he hasn't had the foresight to think of anything before the 8pm "what are we going to have for dinner".. and that's him asking me!
Many times he comes up with rationed hours as a way of appeasing me, it usually goes something along the lines of i'll only spend until 10am gaming (he just ends up getting up earlier).. then it's i'll only game until 10am and when you're not here but of course he's mid game when i come home and just stays on it. I just don't know how to work the set amount of time when i'm not always around. Today he gamed from 6am until 6pm with about an hour all up off for toilet breaks etc. I woke at whatever time i woke up and 3 hours later he was still playing, no good morning or stop for a while to spend time with me.. then i was out for a while and of course he was gaming when i got back, all i see of him is pretty much him sitting on his arse gaming and not contributing much else and he wonders why he's getting nowhere in the bedroom.. geesh! You'd think when i get upset with him, from his reaction, that he'd only JUST started playing for the first time in months, not that he'd been at it for 12 hours straight!
Everyone who has replied to my post has given me some good advice and yours resonates very closely with me so thank you. I will try to implement your suggestions.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (27 June 2011):
Excessive gaming is a deal breaker to me, having been in a relationship with someone exactly like your boyfriend. With one exception, my ex smoked as well but at least he went outside to do it. However I couldn't get as much as a hi when I came home from work or school, because he was too busy playing.
Is this your first time dealing with a gaming addict?
He wont change unless he wants to, and gaming addicts have kind of already shown what the want to prioritize in their lives. You can choose to always come second, or you can leave. Given that you are both adults and not teenagers, the third option would be to talk about it. I know you already have, but now it's getting close to ending the relationship for you.
Tell him he's got an addiction. He does, no question about that. Everything you describe witnesses of an addiction. Ask him how many hours a day he plays. That should generally be enough. Don't let him walk away from the conversation, and make it a conversation, not a fight. Talk to him as a friend who cares, and not as an upset girlfriend.
He's a student you say.... his chances of finishing his studies are slim. My ex attempted studies 3 times, dropped out each time or flunked his class. All because he sat at home gaming instead of doing homework.
How is his health as well? He doesn't work out does he? Has he piled on weight? Is he unhealthy? Thin people can be unhealthy as well, just look to his eating habits. No exercise, no cooking proper meals, all gaming... it makes you age real fast. Then of course, the disorder he has that gets worse through gaming. It really isn't good for him as a person, even if he wasn't ruining the relationship by gaming so much. He'll ruin himself too.
Add pressure on him to play less games. I see no other option that to be strict with him. Like you will with a child, give him time he can spend on the gaming. For example if he usually plays 12 hours a day, give him 5 hours to play. After that the power gets cut off. He needs to agree on this of course, or else you risk destruction of property. But, you need to be stern. If he normally plays 8 hours a day you can say he gets 3-4 hours instead. That's still plenty.
Your goal is to get the gaming down to a maximum of 2 hours daily. He can also save up hours by not playing midweek, but play all weekend for example.
Let the smoking issue go. Put a fan or something next to him so the smoke wont get in your face when you walk by. The smoking is lesser of a problem than his gaming, at the moment. Deal with the smoking issue once you get the gaming under control.
Also, agree with him on time to spend together. Time that he under no circumstance can take away from the relationship. A routine. To begin with say each Friday, Wednesday, whatever day you want, you do this or that together. Just spend ONE HOUR together on that particular day. In this one hour, computer games, tv games, they wont be allowed. You can watch TV, you can cook dinner, you can go for a walk (you don't have to speak, just walk). Just something. And stick to it. Then next try to get in more days with this one hour. And let this one hour be sacred, nothing can interfere with it. Set it as a precise time too, like from 5-6pm, or 6-7pm. It shouldn't be too late in the evening though. And you both decide what you want to do in this time.
Good luck. Be strong. Stick to the gaming and ignore the smoking for now. Trap the gaming hours down, increase time spent together. You're stepping into the role as his therapist now.
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female
reader, Halo3six +, writes (27 June 2011):
Halo3six is verified as being by the original poster of the question@ Fatherly Advice,
What you say is so true! both in respect to thinking it's more a young person's addiction and also the age bracket thing. He's 5 years younger than me and didn't have this addiction when we met.
I was also unaware of how extreme/intense his anxiety problem was when we met as when we did he was self-medicating himself from the fallout of his last relationship and also day to day coping of anxiety with alcohol (not so you'd know it though), it wasn't until i was "attached" that things became more apparent. Having said that, from being with me, he kicked most of those things to the curb, stopped drinking altogether (he says no every time i suggest A beer at the pub) and even went back to his studying (which he left previously due to his prior girlfriend being jealous of him spending time with anyone, or at anything else, other than her)and was no longer frozen with fear just at the thought of having to get on a bus. It seems that among those most at risk of addiction (gaming or otherwise), people with anxiety rate pretty highly up there. I truly believe that without the compounded problems of the anxiety issues, this wouldn't be such a problem. It wouldn't have even existed in the first place. Come Sept, we've been together 2 years and because of how it was in the beginning and how i believe it could be, i am loathe to just leave without trying to sort it out. (although i won't try forever, even my patience has it's limits)
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reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (27 June 2011):
hi Halo,
I just noticed that you are in the same age bracket as me. I guess that I just expect online gaming to be a young mans addiction. While it seems easy to just say you are being mistreated, move out. It may not be the answer you want. It would give you a chance to make a new and hopefully better relationship, but at our age that is not as easy as the younger folks would think. Also it would not help your partner.
If you want to save this then Addiction Recovery is the way to go. in order for that to work he is going to have to accept that he has a problem. That is going to be the hard part. I don't know how to tell you too do that perhaps it would be best if talked to a counselor first.
I would be tempted to "forget" to pay the internet bill. That could throw him into withdrawal. A few days of no connection could help to break him from his gaming group.
I guess I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. There are plenty of people suffering as you are with a partner addicted to online gaming. It is becoming a serious problem in our society.
FA
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female
reader, Halo3six +, writes (27 June 2011):
Halo3six is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Drew 21,
There used to be positives, it used to be a good relationship (aside from the issues that come with his anxiety - i've never had to deal with that sort of thing before). He's very smart/funny and we have things in common... or did, before his grey matter got turned to grey mush by constant gaming...
There were other things to contend with, "baggage" so to speak, that he had through no fault of his own, which he brought with him from his old abusive relationship (he was the victim), bad habits that came with him, that to someone like me who had the privilege of GOOD relationship role models, were incomprehensible. Thankfully he slowly learned that whatever his last relationship was, it wasn't normal or acceptable.
Unfortunately this gaming obsession set in when he got a computer.
I'm seriously considering taking some time out...
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female
reader, Halo3six +, writes (27 June 2011):
Halo3six is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Blonde30's,
Thank you for your reply...He does give me $ towards things, it's just that i'm in charge of making sure everything gets paid/bought/covered etc... He's a full time student doing a diploma of ceramics, it's supposed to be 3 days a week but even that falls to the almighty game at times - which is a shame as he's talented.
There is one other aspect which makes things a lot harder and him more prone to addiction of any kind (from what i've heard) - he has really bad GAD (generalized anxiety disorder). Again, another catch 22 there. Gaming makes it worse yet he retreats into that world because of it..
I try to suggest things to do but i'm getting tired of the one to have to always be doing that, to drive things, initiate them - i may as well date myself. It would be nice if once and a while he took the reigns and made me feel like i matter..
I will try your suggestion about not "moaning" about things (it's so hard not too when i'm so frustrated and resentful) and see how i go!
Right now he's asleep, and has been since 21:30, after spending a grand total of about an hour and a half with me to eat dinner and partially watch a movie. He managed to give a total of 12.25 hours to his other "love" today. Yep, i feel special.
I hope i can report back, at some stage, that things have worked out.
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male
reader, Drew21 +, writes (27 June 2011):
Are there any positives he brings to the relationship? He sounds like a complete waste of time.
It really seems like this is a relationship headed nowhere fast.
I think i would bring that up with him. Tell him how unhappy all of this makes you, and how you feel like you deserve better. If he doesn't change his ways, then I would dump him and find someone else.
I would give him warning first. Maybe that would be enough? To really kind of wake him up?
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