A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 8 years to a good hearted guy with a compulsive lying problem. He has lied about everything, his age, his interests, his credit card debt, his salary, his taking care of errands, his losing something, even to hiding a letter my sister wrote me because he accidentally opened my mail and didnt want me to be upset. I am not sure what drives him to do so because i am pretty laid back person who is very understanding and open. I think it is because he doesnt want to disappoint me, he doesnt want me to worry about our financial situation, and he is afraid of rejection. every couple years, i find a new lie and i feel taken again, despite the numerous times he says he wont lie to me ever again. I have suggested counseling but he doesn't seem to be interested. the problem is that i dont trust him anymore and i am afraid to open myself to him because i am tired of getting hurt in the cycle. i can only maintain a casual friendship with him and we no longer have an intimate relationship. without trust i dont feel like we can have a quality relationship but i dont know what i can do to encourage him to be honest to me. in addition i have been really paranoid about what else he hasnt told me and question if he just tells me everything i want to hear. i dont know where to go from here. I know he is not malicious but i also know i cant live with it.
View related questions:
debt, liar Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, lifesnotfair +, writes (6 May 2009):
I'm in an almost similar situation, like satindesire said, I prefer the tough way of my husband seeking counseling or I'm out. But I've two little kids, all my savings are washed out due to paying for his misdeeds, I'd given up my job 2 yrs ago (and I was making heaps more than him then) because of many stresses, not to mention his habits. I've no other family and neither does he. I've been trying for jobs, but the recession is not helping!!
I feel totally helpless.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2009): I too am with a compulsive liar. I have studied this quite a bit because of him.
My research shows compulsive liars do not know the difference between truth and lie. They feel entitled to all deception. They believe they are entitled to every untruth they support, and they have no comprehension of their problem. The sad fact is they are enabled by our loving them. So, each day of allowing a compulsive liar to remain accepted by us is another day of strengthening their problem.
I learned the hard way there is no helping them.
There is only one thing that triggers the few ex compulsive liars to stop:
Severe loss. Loss resulting from their lying.
Hope this helps.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2009): I know exactly what you mean. I have been married for 18 years. During that time frame my husband has lied about his age, who he previously had sex with, fiances,Credit Cards, even what he eats. It seems to never stop.
We did see a couselor who advised that he should come clean with everything. The couselor said that it would take 2 years from the last lie for the trust to be rebuilt.
The problem is the last lie never seems to come. Now the latest thing is he is trying to have our children lie to help him cover himself. I think this is aweful, but he also is not violent most of the time.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2009): All liars should be treated with the contempt they deserve, it will be too late when all your money has vanished and your heart is broken, the ability to lie to you sets the stage for the ability to disregard your feeling again in some other more sinister manner. Put the liars on filthyliar.com and allow the rest of the community to save themselves the grief you are finally sick of.
...............................
A
female
reader, rhythmandblues2 + ♥, writes (1 February 2009):
 I wanted to add one more thing. If he refuses to go to therapy, then go on your own. It will help you learn how to handle him, because you can't change him, the only person you can change is you and how you react to his lying or what you can do when he does it.
It may also help you decide if this relationship is worth it, if you can live with this for the rest of your married lives.....Therapy helps you make these decisions for yourself, which is where you are right now.
...............................
A
female
reader, satindesire +, writes (31 January 2009):
 It doesn't matter if he's interested in counseling or not. The fact of the matter is, he NEEDS IT, and so do you.
Ultimatums are ugly and should only be used as a last resort, but this isn't the kind of problem that can be resolved without professional therapy. Tell him it's counseling or YOU WALK, period!
...............................
A
female
reader, Ginalolabridga  + ♥, writes (31 January 2009):
 Compulsive Lying should be treated with therapy or counselling. But like any addictive behaviour getting someone to admit they have a problem with lying is the difficult part as you have found out!
You would need to discuss in greater depth with him that this is serious and serious enough for you to consider you cannot have a quality relationship with him if this is to continue, if he was to know you are beginning to have doubts over certain aspects of the relationship of things he may not have told you over the years maybe this would change his mind about the counselling!
I certainly would not give up on him going but you have allowed him 8 yrs of lying to you and that is not going to go overnight! so for now i would keep at him in a calm way to try and get him to see it is for his own good in the long term as well as yours.
Gina
...............................
|
