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In love with my boyfriend and my best friend

Tagged as: Friends, Teenage<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 January 2009) 4 Answers - (Newest, 2 July 2013)
A female United Kingdom age 26-29, *ivyloo writes:

Hey guys...I don't really know what to do...yet sometimes it seems so obvious...

I've had this boyfriend for almost 3 years (we'll call him Rob for this)...he himself broke up with me after a year and 5 months..then we got back together...i could deal with it...then a year later he did it again..but i found out he made out with my best friend and lied to me a couple of times. He said he didn't love me and left me crying on the pavement... I was hurt but we just got back together after 5 months. Stupid maybe but i missed him so. But in that time... my best friend (Chris) was there for me through the heartache and although i loved and missed Rob i tried seeing Chris during the time i spent apart from Rob...Hes one of those unattractive best friends but would do anything and i really started to fall for him...Rob came back though and so fast...he was back and Chris, being so understanding is still by my side. He loves me too...however i was his first kiss so its kinda unreliable.

I'm in love with my first love, whom has hurt me loads...yet i cant let go...sex, attraction and humour..and is a musician! and he is loving now since the reunion. whereas my best friend is understanding and so funny and loving, the conversation is way better than rob and i have so much more in common with him...i have kissed him since being back with Rob...but it honestly doesn't feel bad...until i realize i can loose Rob and i get confused and cry so much it hurts. I'm staying with Rob atm, seeing as when he goes i feel i lost a limb...but when he is there...i think about what he's done to me, yet he's trying so much to make it up to me. And i think about Chris a lot and prefer talking to him...Rob's family don't like me and Chris' love me...they are two opposites of each other...

I guess i'm asking...if there's just a little advice someone could give me...just writing it down has helped me. I'm torn and confused.

Thank you if you have read this.

xxx

View related questions: best friend, broke up, got back together

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A female reader, Livyloo United Kingdom +, writes (2 July 2013):

Livyloo is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Hi guys,

So it's been 4 years since I wrote this post, I remembered it today thinking about all the things you said.

Rob and I dated a few more times, finally I had enough, ditched him for Chris to his horror...

I have been with Chris for 4 years since this post and now happily engaged for the last 2.

Thanks for the advice guys, I really needed the kick3

good guys don't come last:)

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A female reader, GraveyardFairy13 United States +, writes (3 May 2010):

i think you should try your best to push yourself away from rob and let go, well at least try to, cause chris seems like a really nice guy, and depends on how old you are but he may not have good looks not, but when he gets older the chances of him being good looking is a 50 50 chance, so i say try to go with chris

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2009):

This may be a 'classic' case of a 'good guy' vs a 'bad guy' scenario. Many women desire to make any man they are intimate with "the one," in spite of all evidence to the contrary. It is a pattern which repeats itself again and again. I have to ask you, why are you doing this to yourself? You have a painful history with Rob, yet you love him. Whether it's his looks, his lines, or his lies, or his charm...you are a female who is in serious denial and is afraid to admit what really is happening. You are shortchanging yourself for a man who basically doesn't deserve what you have to offer. You sound desperate to want to change Rob or to be loved by Rob, in the way. maybe Chris loves you. So the problem is not these two men...it's you and how you view yourself. Look it, you are with Rob...he has cheated on you, yet you still take him back. Usually, that tells a guy like Rob, he doesn't have to do much to get you and keep you, doesn't it? And that had to be crushing to your self-respect, didn't it.

All I will say is when just one person, involved in a love relationship isn't willing to put in the proper time and efforts to build that foundation of respect and trust--to build something solid and meaningful, they are usually not the ones to persist with effort and sacrifice to develop the love and keep it going. Rob is who he right now. You cannot pin your hopes on who he will be, in the future.

My opinion, is: Chris is the better man from the way you have described him. Sounds like Chris respects you. But you need to build your self-love enough to never ever allow or permit anything less from any man. I think you need to go it alone for now. Be good friends with Chris...but get some balance back into your life again. Understand that you could be allowing your fear of losing Rob overtake you but with that goes your empowerment at doing something that makes you take responsibility for your own happiness. What you share with Rob doesn't sound healthy..it sounds dependant and needy. Not a good solid base. Let go of this toxic relationship, then take time to heal, recover and take care of yourself. I think you need to priorize yourself, the most right now. And when you are done...Chris will be there as a friend and that's okay if that's all you want him to be. But you must let him know, so he can go ahead and find someone else. Just don't keep him hanging. Good luck and make some wise choices, for YOU.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2009):

write a list of your ideal mate and then see which one of them has the characteristics that match that. it sounds like that chris has consistently been there for you and if you could take robs face and put it on chris' then you would be the happiest, right?!? so i guess you just have to decide if you can get over the looks thing

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