A
female
age
,
*teffid
writes:All the time I was growing up my parents made no secret of the fact my younger sister was the preferred child. From the day she was born they compared us, always to my detriment.Everyone was told that I’d been a horrible baby, forever crying and keeping them awake whereas my sister was easy and placid sleeping through the night almost from day one. I apparently had first walked at a year old but managed her first steps at ten months. Once we went to school this continued; whatever I did my sister came along two years later and did it better. That was tough on a little girl growing up, to have my every achievement/ success topped by those of my sister, all the while our parents crowing over it. “Oh X got an A grade in the exam, best her sister ever managed was a C”. “X has the lead in the School Nativity, her sister was only ever in the chorus”. Their attitude marked both my sister and myself.She grew up to be a fiercely competitive, mega-achiever , whilst I’ve struggled my whole life with issues of self esteem.I grew up feeling like an outsider in that family. It was as if my parents and sister were a sort of mutual admiration society, a little club-of-three - and I wasn’t welcome to be a member! My sister could pretty-much do no wrong whereas I struggled to get anything right. She was consulted and her opinion valued whereas I existed on the periphery of family life spending most evenings/weekends alone in my room.As an adult nothing changed. Mum, Dad and my sister remained a closely bonded group-of-three with me forever on the outside being snubbed and slighted at every turn. My sister has cleverly and methodically pushed me more and more out of the picture whilst our parents did nothing to prevent it. When Mum and Dad were 50 years married, I thought it would be lovely to mark the event with some sort of celebration and offered to organise a family get-together. The idea was quashed, they were adamant about not wanting a party of any kind…….so I let the matter drop.Then three days before the anniversary an invitation card was pushed through my letterbox, to attend a Golden Wedding party at my sister’s house. I went to see them and asked, why. How come when I’d suggested a celebration they insisted they weren’t interested, only to allow my sister to arrange a party instead? And why was I told about it at the last minute when I couldn’t even offer to help with the organisation. They just shrugged and said my sister had wanted it that way.That was a real slap in the face, that my parents had connived with my sister to deliberately exclude me.When ageing parents decide to sell the family home and downsize, they normally at least mention it to their children. For all that I was their eldest daughter and visited regularly, neither of them said a single word to me. The first I knew they were moving was when I walked in one day to find them packing-up stuff.I was simply informed the house was sold, a bungalow had been purchased and fully renovated, and they were moving within a week. I asked them ……why didn’t you tell me about any of this?They said that my sister had organised everything and said that I wasn’t to be informed.Not only that……I’d been disinherited.For as long as I can recall, my parents used to tell my sister and I that when they died the family home would be left to be us both equally. That had now changed. The bungalow they were moving into had actually been purchased for them by my sister, it belonged to her so I shouldn’t expect to inherit half of it after they’d gone. I’ve lost count of the slights and snubs that have occurred over the years.Some have been massive slaps in the face (such as the house move) others have been smaller but have hurt none the less.When Mum had Cancer she asked my sister to accompany her to all the hospital appointments. I offered many times to go too, but was politely told it wasn’t necessary. Nevertheless when she had surgery, I went to the hospital every single night straight after work. The first night I took a beautiful bouquet, but next evening it was gone, replaced by another vase of flowers. Apparently a cousin had visited that afternoon bringing flowers and my Mum and sister felt there were too many vases for such a small room. They decided to ‘donate’ one of Mum’s vases to the reception desk – the flowers I’d taken in.I was gutted by that.All my life I longed for their love and approval of my parents, but they’re now in their 80s and time is running out, for them and for me. Has the time come to simply give it up as a bad job and walk away?
View related questions:
anniversary, cousin, flowers, self esteem, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, OhGetReal  +, writes (14 September 2010):
 Well, I am in the same age group as you are and I too was the oldest child with a younger sister who my parents favored my entire childhood and adult life.
Our family dynamics were a bit different than yours, I am or was high achieving, got good grades in school, but never quite measured up to my sister's grades, all be it I was almost a full year younger than my sister was for the grade we were in do to when we started school because of our birth dates for the cut off...so I am just as smart as my sister, who had a year of development on me through out school. She was given the opportunity to go out of state to school which my parents paid for, while I was not, I went to our home state university which cost my parents a whole lot less than my sister's education. I wanted to go to graduate school, but they refused help and I didn't feel I could make it on my own by working as I was going to go through an 8 year program if done on a full time basis, so I gave up on that dream. My sister got married around the same time, which my parents paid for the wedding, she worked a few years, got married and had twins, she hasn't used that expensive degree since, nor had to work, she is now 51.
I on the other hand, worked hard, had my own business for nine years, and a successful sales career, and still fought with my Dad mostly and my sister also tried excluding me in family holidays, etc. It was painful and frustrating and I eventually got so depressed about the way I was treated that I sought some help.
I was told to cut ties with my parents. When I went to them to do this, I told my father off as he has a terrible temper that he has used to intimidate my mother and me, but never my sister. I told him if he didn't stop it, the family would never see me again.
My Dad stopped his bad behavior, this happened in my 40's and now I am closer to both my parents than my sister is. My sister around this same time that my parents decided to treat me better, amped up her rude behavior to me, and I tried for many years to get on my sister's good side by doing all sorts of things to help her, with her kids, etc, but finally she did the last straw, accusing me of stealing some costume jewelry from her house while staying, when it was really her 9 year old daughter and her friend who had snuck in the house while we were out shopping (they were supposed to be supervised by the mother) and got into a closet in her bedroom. I was just done, her yelling at me in front of her kids like that. I got into my car drove 12 hours home at night and didn't speak to her for years. I had to give up my relationship with my niece and nephew which broke my heart.
That was six years ago, and now my sister just behaves as if nothing ever happened. She never calls me, she sends me a card on my birthday. She lives in a beautiful upper class neighborhood, has a huge five bedroom house with a pool, her kids are gorgeous, her husband has a good job, but she is a type one diabetic. She may resent me for that as if somehow that is my fault. Now that we are older, I am pre diabetic due to risk factors in our genetics obviously, I wonder how she feels about that now.
I guess what I am trying to say, is it was my sister who was a pretty big part of that favoritism between my parents. She's kind of a bitch, and they told me that they were afraid that she would cut them off from their grand kids if they didn't spoil her like they did when she was a kid. I was the reliable one, the one who is always there even though I am being discounted, they felt secure that I loved them and would always be there. I had to literally threaten to walk out of their lives forever to get that dynamic to change...and look who I had to cut ties with, my sister.
So I am sorry for me it took until my forties to figure that out, and for you that your parents are in their 80's. You probably don't want to threaten to cut them off completely as they are nearing the end of their lives, but you do owe it to yourself to stand up to them, to stand up to your sister and tell them off! And let the chips fall where they may. Tell them how this has hurt you and that you can't believe that they are so self centered and selfish that they don't see that.
I bet you haven't been disinherited, but you need to ask what exactly you can expect, will there be a will so that you and your sister do not fight over "things" or money?
And then surprisingly your sister will either realize what a bitch she has been to you, and that her power over you is done with and she will either be the one you permanently remove from your life, or you will resolve that with her as well.
I don't know what will happen with my sister, I think she knows what a bitch she has been and if I don't make her apologize we are at least going to see each other on occasion and I can keep in touch with the only niece and nephew that I have. I myself am childless so I don't have any power there. My parents and my relationship is fine now and I am glad that I sought help for my depression over it and took the steps I needed to stand up for myself.
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (14 September 2010):
 Your right that time is running out. You did what you could and tried, I believe more than most people would have. You can never be blames or blame yourself for trying. What has happened in this family is not your fault. It sounds like, for whatever reason, your parents won't tell your sister no. Her manipulative behavior may have something to do with that, and I'll tell you, it'd so much better to be you, than it is to have the vindictive characteristics that your sister has. Unfortunately, your parents also allowed this to happen. I don't know if it's because they were manipulated as well, as your sister was going about this mission of excluding you.
I want you to do something, and it is probably the single most important action you can do at this point. I want you to go to visit them, ask for them to listen and not say anything, and I want you to tell them how what they have done has affected you. Tell them how you feel, and how this has affected your life and your happiness as a child and becoming an adult. Then, when all is said, I want you to forgive them completely and in full. I ask you to do this because it's time that you release the negative affect caused by how you'd been treated, and to do that you have to forgive those who caused it. It's not that they personally deserve it, it'd that you deserve to live free from it. Believe me, a huge weight will be lifted off your shoulders, and when they pass on, you won't have the feeling of something being unfinished, and the regret for what could have or should have been said.
This is no longer about them and how they have treated you, it's about your healing, and living free of the pain. Forgiveness is the fastest method of getting your life back. I can say how this would turn out. They may not have anything to say when you're done, or they may see how they've treated you and talk about how they feel from what they've done. Either way, you will be able to move on and live with greater emotional freedom after having accomplished this.
I hope this helps. Take care.
...............................
A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (14 September 2010):
 You didn't say anything about your own life as an adult independent of your birth family.
Do you have your own life; a family of your own, spouse and/or a career?
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (14 September 2010):
 Why are you still competing with your sister? You do know you still do, right?
Honestly, I would walk away, give the lot of them some space to miss you and if they don't, it surely is THEIR loss.
Even if it is family, it sounds toxic for you.
If you get nothing but slaps in the face or punches to the gut, why do you keep going back? Because it's family? We don't choose out families, but we CAN choose in how they treat us.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2010): Have you ever sat down with your parents to have a serious discussion about how this makes you feel?
...............................
A
female
reader, CupidsPrincess +, writes (14 September 2010):
I don't know what to say. I am not a parent yet. But I would dare say that some parents do prefer one child over another for no reason at all. I have no personal experience but I have had two men complain it of their parents. One of them is an elder son of parents with three siblings younger to him. He complains that they show the others more concern and give them presents which he never had the provilege of getting despite he being the hardworker and helper of the family!! In another case, a guy who has two siblings, one elder and one younger gets poor attention from his parents even though he does all the chores for them.
Sometimes, it happens. You never know the reason. You can just keep doing whatever you can and ignore the rest.
...............................
|
