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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Hi. I am 21 years old and have been dating my bf (first ever), 23, for almost a year. We've never had any problems or fights or anything, and i know he has a good heart and he treats me well. He loves me very much and i love him too. The only problem i have with him is that he clashes with my parents. From the getgo, my parents disliked him. They felt he was too bold and arrogant and nervy in his conversations with them. they think he's too sarcastic and have put up with him just to make me happy. I should explain that my parents are VERY old school (in regard to morals (no sex), no profanity, and having respect to parents, whic i understand.) My bf comes from a different kind of family where they talk about everything and joke around being sarcastic and sometimes they use profanity. My bf is the kind of person who will not be fake and will speak his mind and defend himself if someone is putting him down. Anyway, my parents dislike of my bf has always made me angry and i've tried repeatedly to fix everything so that they like him and my bf likes them. I talked with my mom a few times about how she sometimes does belittle him and she always blows up at me and it makes my bf seem worse. I tell my mom that she doesn't even know him, and she says that i'm making them hate him. She says that i over analyze everything they say and that she shouldn't have to put up with my bf anymore. She said from now on she'll just not speak to him when he comes over to avoid conflict and that will be it. My dad by the way doesn't say much and kinda leaves the room when he's over too. I want soo badly to clear up this whole mess. I think my bf is wonderful, yes he has his flaws and can sometimes speak a bit nervy, which i will call him on later. Mostly i think i want my parents to like him because i always need their approval for everything. I have always been a good child with good grades and friends in their eyes. I never did anything wrong as a kid and always got praise for doing everything right. I value their opinion and almost need to have their approval so that i can be happy too. It's hard being in love with someone they dont approve of. It is also really hard for me because my bf and i want to be together, but i feel like i'd be betraying my parents in some way and be going against the rules. I know i can't live my life for my parents, but this is conflict i really just want to end. Please help me. i'm going crazy with this...thanks for taking the time. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (10 December 2006):
 You are 21, live your life the way you want. I think it may be time you left home and started to stand on your own two feet don't you?
A
female
reader, pica +, writes (9 December 2006):
I think it's time for you to leave home. How about sharing with female friends? Also wonder if your parents would have liked any guy you brought to meet them?
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A
male
reader, ironic nostalgia  +, writes (8 December 2006):
 first, i'll say that i'm in a very similar situation myself, except i am the boyfriend in your situation. so i'll tackle this from that perspective.
let just say this also, you're 21 years old. you're an adult. and if your parents refuse to recognize this reality, it is their problem, not yours. they need to understand that they no longer can have "rules" to hang over your head. you are an adult, and thus, you can make your own decisions in life, without their approval.
my wife's parents are almost exactly like yours. when i used to talk with them, they would argue with me. i would make my points and basically prove they were wrong, and their response was to walk out of the room while i was talking. they have never liked that i spike my hair, that i work for a progressive institution, that i have no problem with profanity in use or on my clothing, that i'm not concerned with appearances, that i'll be open and be myself, that i'll stand up for myself, etc. you get the point. in my eyes, my wife's parents are not treating me with respect or like an adult. and i suspect that your parents are treating you in a similar manner.
the best way to deal with this is to let your parents know that they don't control you. you are your own person, with your own feelings and your own ideas. they need to respect that, and they need to treat you like an adult. if they can't come to terms with this, then i do believe that your parents are a negative influence on your life. some time away may be healthy for them.
i would make this clear, and see what your parents response is. it's likely that they won't want to cut off all contact with you; therefore, i think that they will try to reform their attitudes. this in turn will make them more receptive to your boyfriend.
ultimately, this is a power issue. your parents seem to want to retain power and authority over your life when they have no right to do so. let them know that they need to respect you.
one last thing... i know you want this conflict to just end, but that's not possible if you want your parents to change. this will likely be a long struggle, but in the end it'll be healthy and beneficial to the relationship you have with your parents. results will not be immediate, and for a time it will seem like things are worse. with time, i do think your parents will come around. but for now, they need to know the boundaries.
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