A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been talking to this girl over the internet. She seems like a really nice person, and we get along.. great to be honest. I recently saw photos of her. She looked quite nice, but then I saw a few more that she hadn't posed for. Turns out she is.. fairly chubby. Her arms (upper) seem very big. They don't look like they match the rest of her body.I've always said that there is nothing wrong with girls who are a little over-weight, but now that there's a chance I may get to be with one, I'm just not sure how I feel. Is there something wrong with me? I've never thought of myself as shallow, and I'm starting to wonder if I am a little. I want to like this girl, because she is a lovely person, I'm just unsure if I can feel for her as more than just a friend.Help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2007): Its not shallow to admit that you are not physically attracted to someone. Either you are or your not. Its not all about looks but it does matter. Looks matter, personality matters, morals matter. It all matters.
A
female
reader, galaxy +, writes (3 September 2007):
The answer is Chemistry....
Meet this lovely lady,you will know if the chemistry is there or not.She'll more than likely turn up in a stunning outfit that only enhances her glowing personality that attracted you in the first place.If you feel that theres no attraction there,then theres nothing you can do to change that,but you can still have the best friendship with her.
Perfection doesn't always come in small packages.Your have to go away and do some soul searching,who's to say she won't shake off those extra few pounds some day,would this change your views of it all?
What ever the out come I agree with above don't lead her on,she's a human being after all,with feelings,emotions and a heart.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2007): I agree with others,you have to meet her at least once for your own piece of mind,You'll kick yourself if you don't.This lovely person whom you have been online with{for a while I expect}ticks all your boxes in what your truely looking for in a relationship,She'll proberly be dressed totally different in person,the outfit will only enhance her glowing personality,then what?If the chemistry is right you won't see her size as an issue,if theres no chemistry let the lady know straight away on that first date,don't keep up a false pretense alls well then drop her on her face few months down the line,she may be a little more meat than your used to but she is also human with feels and emotions and a heart too. You'll have to do some soul searching,as perfection doesn't always come in the smallest of packages.Are you worried what your mates will say when they meet her? Whose to say she won't lose those extra pounds some day.CHEMISTRY will decide for you,up to you if you go with it or not.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2007): It's good to have a sense of morals about not judging others based on looks, but that's not the whole story. Getting into a relationship with this girl just out of "duty" to your sense of self-worth isn't fair to her either. If you really aren't attracted to her at all, then you won't last in the relationship and this issue needs to be addressed as soon as it comes up (right now). In that sense, you're still serving your own self-interest at her expense if you're not attracted to her but you begin seeing her anyway.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2007): Be thankful that she is not a bag of bones. Also, don't judge a book by its cover! Don't try to change her and appreciate her finer qualities and you will both be happier!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2007): Do you think it could be a bad camera shot? maybe the angle wasn't quite right and it's made her arms appear huge! You will have to meet her in the flesh, you never know you may have that 'sexual chemistry' together.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (20 August 2007):
 Hi
So whats the alternative, get into something with someone that you dont fancy? Nah you cant do that mate.
Everybody is shallow to a certain extent. I dont even think thats the right word. And so we should be! If you dont particularly go for chubby girls, then thats your right. Theres lots of types i dont go for (ok im a fussy sod but thats alright i like being single hehe) Some people dont like skinny blokes *puts hand up*
We cant start getting into all this pc crap to the extreme where you date people you dont fancy physically, simply because you will be thought bad of by the pc brigade.
I would meet up with her, as mates only! I did that this weekend, made it perfectly clear we were going out as mates & everyones happy then cuz they know where they stand. THEN see if you can see it going anywhere.
Dont feel pressured. Whats with all the getting pent up about letting her down. Chill peepes.
And you never know, you might get on that well with her, you change your mind on the looks thing. I did a few years ago when i got to know someone. Fancied the pants off him in the end!
Good luck.
C xxxxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, it also doesn't help that my last girlfriend who I was with for quite some time was pretty skinny, and had a charming personality. I had the best of both worlds. And while this new girls personality is just as lovely, I'm just not so attracted to her physically. I feel horrible for not. I'm the type of guy who is very considerate of feelings, and I don't want to hurt hers...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2007): To be honest, I can see where you're coming from here. When people look for a partner looks do matter somewhat, even if only a little bit. Those who say otherwise are probably lying.
The only thing I can do is agree with a few others who said you probably need to meet her. Photos can be decieving so you can't completely trust the photos she's posted to give you an accurate idea of what she really looks like. Once you've met her you can decide for yourself whether you're attracted to her looks as well as her personality. If not then maybe it just wasn't meant to be, at least you met an awesome friend out of it.
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A
male
reader, Charlie84  +, writes (20 August 2007):
Sexual attraction is always needed in a relationship and just because you may not find her attractive in a photo doesn't mean that you wont like her in person. If you do feel very strongly about her then your emotional connection/bond can also help you to over come any possible dislikes you find in how she looks. Just test it out and see how it goes, what could it hurt?
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female
reader, zina  +, writes (20 August 2007):
 just take a chance ask her out! it wont hurt and if u end up not likeing her then tell her big girls get that alot....im not being mean im speaking from experiance im a fat girl. its not easy being rejected but its better that being lead on by someone who dosent like. just go ahead. but dont ask her to the movies or sumthin maybe just ask her to hang out for a bit at a little ice cvream shop or some where near your house.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2007): there is nothing rong with u. if u really like her talk to her and ask her out and if the date goes well then her wight shouldnt matter. just ask her out and if it turns out you do really like her then once again, her wight shouldnt matter.
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female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (20 August 2007):
 You should steel your nerve, take a chance and meet her in person. You like her personality. Photos can lie or tell the truth, they can be flattering or add 20 pounds. I don't think that you are being shallow or unfeeling, we all have our personal tastes and it's important to feel an attraction to the person that you are with. But you are never going to know if you have a spark or not if you don't meet face-to-face. Best of Luck!
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A
male
reader, somewhat_anonymous +, writes (20 August 2007):
Yep, you sure are shallow, but let's face it...looks do matter. That's what reels us in. However, they become less important as a relationship goes on.
I suppose there is no harm in meeting her if you wanted to since you do like her personality, but don't force an attraction that isn't there if you do decide to meet her.
I once remember an older friend that is a super strict Christian say, "Don't make the mistake of marrying a girl you aren't attracted to. I almost made the biggest mistake of my life because I almost married a girl because she was nice, but sexually, I wasn't attracted to her." If you knew this guy, it would be shocking to hear this.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2007): I agree with anonymous below. I mean, if you are not attracted to her you shouldn't feel bad about that. And you shouldn't force it either. You can't help how you feel. That's what is so tricky, I guess, about meeting people online. I guess what is worse for you is that you feel like you may have led her on and you don't want her to know that the reason you are no longer as interested as you could have been is because you saw her picture.
Well in any case you do like her, if not physically. You could certainly keep it as friends. She doesn't have to know how you feel. And who knows, maybe it was just a really bad picture...Maybe she really is as cute as the first pictures. But if you are not attracted to her physically, then don't sweat it and don't fool yourself or force it. It is ok. And for all you know if the shoe was on the other foot, this same sweet girl might probably feel the same way you do.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2007): well u thnk she is cool and all but bcuz she is a little thick or what ever you seem ta be holding that against her but u really need ta thnk about it ''will u be more happy with this girl that has a cute face chubby waist and awesome prsonality or some thin girl that has a pretty face and is boring and has no life but personally i think i would go with the one that makes me feel happy and if that big girl makes u feel happy then give it a try and looks arent everything honey!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2007): don't feel bad that your not attracted to her. you cant force yourself to be physically attracted to her. nature decides what attracts you to a person, and if it isnt love handles than thats okay.
you could be surprised by a real spark if you meet the girl. big girls can be a whole lot of fun.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2007): you may not like to hear this, but you are being shallow. she is obviously a lovely girl and must have a pretty face for you to like her in the "posed" pictures. so what if she is a little chubby? its not like she is a mass murderer. i'm sure if she was completely honest there are a few things she doesnt like about you physically either.
that said, you cant force yourself to be attracted to someone. if you are not attracted to her then you are not attracted to her. end of story. you cant push those feelings. so yes it may be slightly shallow, but thats just the way it is and there is not a lot you can do about it i'm afraid so dont lead her on.
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