A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a new partner after getting divorced and I have to say I really like him. We have the most amazing passionate relationship and in the last few months we’ve both admitted it’s love, we live quite far from each other but we manage it fine and see each other regularly, so when we are together it’s perfect, but when we aren’t I’m slightly concerned. We both have good jobs and his is slightly more stressful than mine, I’ve found if he’s stressed with work he’d prefer that I refrain from texting him anything other than hello ? how’s you? type texts , yesterday I was unaware he was stressed and I’m text him about my martial home selling and that it was very sad and he went off the roof about he can’t cope with his problems and mine as well (wasn’t a problem I was simply telling him) and that I hadn’t asked him about how he was feeling, that the whole text was about myself, and to not contact him for a few days.a few hours later he text and apologised and begged for forgiveness, but he’s done this so many times and it’s when he thinks I’m not paying him enough attention. I accepted his apology and we met for dinner and had as always the most romantic amazing night but he refused to talk about the text , it’s like I’m dealing with a split personality, should I worry?
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2021): Oh yes, you should worry! I see red-flags, hear warning bells, and sirens are sounding off!
He goes off, then comes back with an apology to getaway with his bad-behavior. He behaves until the next time!!!
People who run super hot, icy-cold, then super mellow; scare the dickens out of me! It seems like this guy has an anxiety disorder that has yet to be addressed...or treated. Not to mention anger-management issues!!! Maybe even a touch of narcissism!
I'd slowly back-away towards the door, turn, and run as fast as I can for the hills! Your fight or flight instinct should be tingling like all get-out!
You test a person's true personality by how they handle their anger, the extend of their patience, and how consistent they are in their behavior. Erratic behavior or being too temperamental are deal-breakers! If he's so over-stressed, he should think about his mental-health, and consider a career-change. Maybe finding a new gig at the same professional level; but offering a less stressful work-environment.
Under no circumstances is anyone justified in taking out their stress or problems on you! You're not the problem, his job is the problem. How he handles his stress is the problem! The solution is to deal with the source of the problem, not take it out on you; or anybody else around him. He's mature enough to know better than that; and just liking a guy isn't enough to dismiss any kind of abuse, disrespect, or aggressive-behavior.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2021): I will keep my answer short and sweetRUN!!!!!!!He will abuse you. I promise.Big bright red flag!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2021): Like Honeypie, who offers amazing advice, I'd say yes, be worried.
BUT - and I say this after almost 3 decades with someone who is neuro-diverse - I'd also say this guy ticks all the classic boxed for neuro-diversity (ADHD, Autism etc.); typical traits are being unable to appropriately empathise with others and process someone else's experiences (especially at the same time as their own) and tending to need "black and white" all or nothing experiences. Neuro-diversity is different from mental health conditions like schizophrenia BUT it can lead to schizophrenia and it can also present pretty much like schizophrenia. I'd grown up with a schizophrenic sister, so it was 'normal' for me to experience the 'schizophrenic' like mood changes of my ADHD partner.
It's not for the faint-hearted; guide dogs for the blind die young due to stress. Being partner to a neuro-diverse person is incredibly stressful. Check out if this is what is going on - you can ask him to get screened. Genius within are the best company for this. I work in a world-leading university, and that's the company we use for all our screenings.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (24 December 2021):
 Should you worry?
I'd say yes.
You live far enough away from each other that he CAN be on his "best behavior" when you two meet up and you only see a tiny bit of his personality when he is stressed. HOW do you think it would be if you lived with him? Yeah, he'd come home EVERY day he is stressed and take it out on you.
It is "easy" to be sweet and romantic" for meet-ups.
What is NOT easy is to TALK about the issues you two have going on. Which is how HE handles stress and how YOU are not a mind reader.
HE doesn't want to talk about HIS bad behavior. Because the meet-ups are his "get-away" it's fantasy. It's ALL grand and lovely so why "ruin" it with REALITY?
He can't even discuss what is really going on and why he needs "space" from you texting when ALL you tried to do was to include him in YOUR life. Sure, you could have started off by asking him about HIS life, but why? That could have been the second topic. You contacted him so obviously, you wanted to fill him in on your life.
Would it have been too hard for him to JUST listen? It's not like you ASKED him for advice or to sort things out for you. You just VENTED. You expressed how it made you feel to sell your home.
To be very frank with you, I think you are just seeing the tiniest cracks. The more you "accept" him "shitting" on you, the more it will escalate.
He might BE a lovely person, but he is ALSO this rude, and callous person too. He is BOTH. You fell in love with the "lovely" side of him. And once that happened... he is letting out the other side to see just what you will accept.
If someone slapped you in the face. And then a few hours later apologized, would you be OK with it?
He REFUSED to sort this out. How are any issues going to get worked out? How can you have a healthy relationship?
Whether his job is stressful or not, that is NOT an excuse to treat you that way.
While I think it's OK for him to say - I can't handle a lot of texting throughout the day as I am busy with work and it's stressful - how come he gets to dictate HOW you should behave? And then give you the "silent treatment" (to not contact him for a few days.) and you are just supposed to be OK with that?
Yeah, I think you should worry and I think you should reconsider this. No one should have to walk around on eggshells in a relationship.
What other red flags are you willing to ignore or have already ignored?
I'm sorry, it might not be what you hoped to hear.
Good luck and Merry Christmas.
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A
male
reader, Indiglorex +, writes (24 December 2021):
I would worry. He clearly has problems he has to deal with on his own. These are signs of a highly toxic relationship. Please be careful with him and I wouldn't give him another chance if he has another outburst with you. The long distance will also become a problem down the line, trust me. I wish you the best of luck!
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