A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My mum was diagnosed with a terminal brain cancer in March and she is now getting worst.It has been a very tough time for the family since the diagnosis and it has not helped the way her sister (my aunt) has been acting since then. The doctors said she had less than a year to live but that they would do all the treatments they could to give her as much quality of life as they could. My mum is a fighter and she was determined to fight this uncurable illness against all the odds. All the family backed her up but my aunt. She decided that my mum was already dead and that we had to start talking about changing names in certain property they both inherited and in bank accounts they both had in favour of my aunt, etc. The problem is that she said all this in front of my mum and made her cry. Since then she has treated her without much respect and just worries about money issues. This has created tension in the family and that's not what my mum needs. Why would somebody so close to my mum and who my mum has always loved would act so selfishly?
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just want to say a big THANK YOU to all of you who responded to my question, I really appreciate your honesty.Your views has made me realise that my aunt may not be such a bad person. You are all right, it may be her way of coping with the inevitable (the death of my mum) and she is looking at things more practically than anybody else.I am trying to talk to her about all this and make sense to it. I agree that me and the rest of the family should sort out of the legal and financial matters as soon as possible but I also agree that we should take my aunt aside and let her know that all this needs to be done in a sensible way, especially towards my mum.Thanks again for all your views, support and prayers. I feel so much better now.Take are all of you.
A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (2 December 2007):
 I am so sorry. My brother is waiting for an operation right now, also brain cancer. Our Dad passed away two months ago, without a will. The will my mother did have was not witnessed. This has caused a lot of worry, on top of all of the grief that the family is already going through. Bank accounts have been frozen and my mother has no money. Please get a lawyer and take care of the legal side of your Mother's finacial estate right now, while she still can. ALSO, get her to sign a "Power-of-Attorney" and leave it with the laywer, to be envoked if it should become necessary. Your Mom can legally choose who will handle things on her behalf (maybe she wants someone other than her sister, especially if you are of age). It's not very comforting to hear all this, I know, but it's really difficult to handle afterwards if it's not done properly. Please seek legal help. Best of luck with everything, I'll say a prayer for your Mom.
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A
male
reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (2 December 2007):
 Hi - I'm really sorry about your Mum's condition.
Regarding your question. If your mother and aunt have property and cash in joint names, then if your mother dies her share goes to the people she has named in her will. Seems like your Aunt is trying to stop anyone else getting your mothers share by having it transferred into Aunts name before your mother dies. Has your mother made her will?
Take care of yourself.
Richard
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2007): Dear, I am very sorry to hear of your Mother's illness. I can only imagine how distraught, you all must be. I went through this pain with both my Mom and Dad. It's tough. And that is completely understandable. One thing I found, was how incredibly hard it was, for family members to deal with 'the life realities' of a loved one's possible end. These realities, I speak of are funeral arrangements, costs, last will and testaments, financial/property disclosures and assets, etc. In families, when a loved one is dying, everyone is so grief-stricken, sad and upset, that this type of planning gets put on the back burner. I am trying to understand your Aunt's behaviors, here. Is this possibly what your Aunt is doing? Future planning is very important, just in case, a death does occur. Sometimes, one family member steps up to the plate and quietly behind the scenes...tries to get all those 'affairs' in order. Is she thinking that she has to be the 'strong one', the one that does all this pre-planning, as you and other family may be too upset to deal with that? This is the toughest job for anyone to do. If you think she is doing this, I will state, it is not a selfish act but a very loving act towards the very people, the dying person could leave behind.
I do not know your Aunt. Or what type of person she is. Only you do. You said "my Aunt has decided that my mum is already dead" Did she actually say these words to you? Do you think in your state of sadness and pain, you are interpreting your Aunt's behaviors, as giving you the impression, she thinks this way?
You also say, " that we had to start talking about changing names in certain property they both inherited and in bank accounts they both had in favour of my aunt, etc" Now this is where you need courage. You and your siblings should be talking with your Aunt, about what is being planned for your Mother's uncertain future. Please realize the legalites and formalities of your Mother's estate, property and financial assest can be very complicated to unravel and can cause problems and estate ties-ups to family members, for years after a person passes on.
So if your Aunt is trying to do this complicated job, but not handling this in an uncaring, unloving manner, then perhaps she needs help. It's vital that you ans your siblings get on top of this. This is a harsh reality. It's a job that must be done. If your Aunt is dealing with her own thoughts of losing a sister she loves, there is a strong possibility she sees a need to be strong because everyone else is so distracted by their own emotional pain. Are you interpreting her strength as being 'cold and heartless'? Could she be seeing a need for someone to step up and get things done, by ensuring plans are in place? What do you think? Are your Mother's affairs in order, just in case? That's a tough question, but it has to be dealt with.
Rather than viewing what your Aunt is doing a horrible, terrible thing, why don't you and other family members sit down with her and calmly discuss this issue. Offer to help her, with the future planning (just in case) and ask her what needs to be done and ask her-why she is doing this? Chances are your Aunt is in pain herself but she's forced to squelch all that pain and not express, herself in the same way you are. So you ask "Why would somebody so close to my mum and who my mum has always loved would act so selfishly?" Could she be doing this, because she does love your Mother and you? But perhaps, her own pain has caused her to deal with all this, in a rather harsh, unloving manner. Talk to her and ask her...what needs to be done? She might appreciate the offer. You might find out that what she is doing, is likely a very 'unselfish thing', after all.
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A
female
reader, bqagirl2692  +, writes (2 December 2007):
 Seems to me your aunt must have some sort of grudge against your mother because all she is worried about is money and not even thinking about that in a matter of time, she'll have no sister by her side. You should tell your aunt that her presence is no longer needed for the negative vibe that she holds. Let her know that you mother is not well enough to handle all this mess and she does not need to be worried about money issues but rather spend as much positive time with her family. Her presence is very negative and she does not need to bring that around your mother. Im so sorry to hear about your mother. I hope you all spend as much time with her as possible and make wonderful memories together. I hope a miracle shines over her. God bless the both of you!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2007): well maby your aunt is acting like a 4 year old gimmie gimmie talk to her about this i mean it her sister for god sakes and tell your mom to never mind her and tell your aunt if she is not going to be supportive then leave becuz thats no way to treat family sorry if this is sounding harch good luck hun my prays are with you and your family
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A
female
reader, D-i-n-a-100 +, writes (2 December 2007):
First of all let me tell you I wish you and your family find the necessary strength.
About your aunt just understand her way of thinking and respect it, but make her respect your mum's life too.
She is scared because your mum maybe leaving her.
If they had conjoined accounts and other things is because they felt they needed each other and maybe this is the way your aunt is reacting to the news of your mum leaving someday soon.
Talk to your aunt and tell her that you are all going to help with the paper documentation and everything else that is needed, but tell her not to ever talk about it in front of your mum.
Be careful with what you are doing and ask your mum about everything.
And enjoy you mum make her happy and just believe. Faith is everything.
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