A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:well, i've a problem with my partner and my mother- my mother doesn't like him. and now with christmas coming up, i'm beginning to realise what a mess i'm in with it all.my partner and i split up after 2 1/2 years together. it was a nasty breakup; no cheating no abuse, just constant rowing and stalemate, until i moved out. we then had a HUGE bust up over money/possesions and joint accounts/debt from our time together with both of us flat broke from the split and one believing one owed the other money. my boyfriend went round to my parents house behind my back and asked them to pay what i owed him. my parents were outraged and there was a row.two years later, my partner and i are trying again. we've been together a year and plan to marry. we have discussed everything and put the past behind us and have vowed to communicate properly now instead of it becoming a row. we have a great relationship that is mutually supportive and although my partner lives two hours drive away, i see him every weekend and we are moving next year into our own home together.my mother is still living in 2003. she hasn't moved on. she hasnt even met him since. i don't want her to either. she resents him and says "hes wrong for me and she doesnt like him". picks up on every single thing from years ago like "he didn't like the way i cut the cheese!!" (see what i mean?) she doesnt understand that i'm 27 now and my bf is older too. we live our own life when i'm with him and its our relationship. my bf is wonderful and supports me emotionally, financially, morally, and wants me to succeed and do well. now after being away from him i realise how much i took this good man for granted. mum thinks i'm "taking a step back" but she doesnt know the half of it. she still talks like i'm single; saying things like "imagine you were married to a man and that happened" or "one day maybe you'll meet somebody you want to have children with" my bf's parents live abroad and because we are saving for next year's house, trips abroad are pretty much out. thus, it seems he's on his own for christmas. i have a big family, and i've just been talking to my mum about what to do, and i told her i wanted to be with john and i wasn't going to not see him onchristmas. she suggested i go down there "after boxing day". What the hell? no invite here??to add insult to injury, his mum and dad have been lovely to me since we got back together and we act like the past hasn't happened and have started again. why can't my mum?to be honest i don't want her to, and i really don't know how to tell my partner hes not welcome here, as he'd be very hurt, but i think he already knows. what angers me is my partner speaks nicely about my mum, but she has nothing but bad to say. if he were invited i know mum would be doing it under duress and i'd be subjected to staring and questions and "oh, so didnt you two split up then?" and judgemental looks. my family already openly discuss my relationship in front of me as if i'm not there. my partner puts me first all the time, how can i tellhim i'm being forced to choose. i know if his parents said i wasn't welcome around their house, he'd tell them where to get off. How can i broach this and what can i do without it turning into a row?
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female
reader, theredseasongirl  +, writes (9 October 2008):
Hi, there,
I feel for you, I do. I'm sorry you're in such a tough spot. I think first you're going to need to have a heart-to-heart with your mother. Lay down the law.
Explain that she has a choice, and by continuing to act the way she does, she's making a choice that is causing you pain and perhaps forcing you not to be as close with her.
That being said, you can't force your mother to like your partner or to move on. The best you can ask from her is to 'do her best' to move on. For you. And to treat him with respect and dignity, which every human being deserves, regardless.
I think you should bring your partner to Christmas with your family. It will be awkward, but you have to face that heat sooner than later. If you show a united front and can even laugh off the awkwardness, I bet the rest of your family will fall in line.
It may take your parents some time since your partner did go to them behind your back. Unlike with his parents (I'm assuming you didn't approach them), he really acted immaturely. I can understand why they'd be upset. He broke trust with them, and he has to rebuild it.
Just because you both are hunkey dorey now doesn't mean your parents aren't entitled to their own hurt feelings that he has to mend. Mending takes time - and with time, they will accept him once again.
So - Talk with your mom. Go to Christmas. And Time.
Good luck!
Red
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