A
female
age
30-35,
*ailglitter18
writes:My mom is trying to break me and my boyfriend up! He's a great guy, in the military, the first relationship I've ever been able to truly commit to. She was all supportive, until she found out how much I care for him. He screwed up once (drank too much at a party), and now she's on the warpath, convinced that he's not good enough for me and that I need to move on. When I thank her for her advice, but ask her to stop because it upsets me, and I'm not ready to leave him, because I LOVE him, she gets nastier and keeps on repeating what she said in the first place.It's putting a strain on my parents because my dad disagrees, and it's putting a strain on the family relationship, because we're fighting till 3 AM, slinging mud, and being really unpleasant!I've tried to make peace with her so many times, but every night its the same again, and I find myself wanting to cry myself to sleep.What can I do? I dont have the heart to tell my boyfriend that my mother hates him. And she's so good at covering it up that she just smiles when she sees him. Now one of my jealous friends also doesnt like him, so they've allied against him, and are attacking me about it. They accuse me of terrible things, and call me names- I feel like I'm in grade school again!What can I do?
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female
reader, mcbirdie  +, writes (20 May 2007):
 Wonderful! Congratulations on having a reasoned conversation with her and for understanding her motivations.
You may not agree with her (and I see no reason why you should), but it is always more helpful in a long-standing battle to communicate and understand--even if you don't come to an understanding, you can at least stop the same destructive patterns of mud slinging.
I do wish you the best of luck with your man. Even if it doesn't work out long-term, it seems you are going to get a lot from this relationship.
A
female
reader, nailglitter18 +, writes (20 May 2007):
nailglitter18 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you. I did have a long talk with her, and we got to the crux of the matter. She's afraid that he WILL hurt me sometime and betray me sometime.
So I asked her if her hurting me was a good substitute? She realized what is going on is wrong. As for my other friend, we don't talk as much anymore.
It's not the facts I didn't want to see-- because I know that what they're saying is absolutely silly. I know my guy well enough for that, and I trust him. The fact that they kept repeating the same things and cornering me about it made me defensive. And it made me angry because I needed space from them. It made me wonder why they didn't want me to be happy.
"It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" My mother never believed that, never really let anyone - even my father, her husband of twenty-odd years - get close to her. If she did, she wont admit it. She's pushing me to be more like her, but I refuse to be so cynical. I think it's the most thrilling feeling in the world to give yourself to someone so completely. :D
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A
female
reader, mcbirdie +, writes (20 May 2007):
I wouldn't do anything. Unless you are trying not to see ugly facts about your boyfriend that your mother and friend are pointing out, then their opinions shouldn't have too much effect on your relationship.
I know that it can be hard to deal with a disapproving mother/friend, but it can be done. Remain polite and stop slinging mud back--it won't get you anywhere. When she starts up, thank her for her concern (it helps to remember that however unpleasant, she really is saying these things because she cares about you), and state simply that you are quite happy. Then do not discuss it further. People cannot rant for long if you don't give them anything to work with.
As for your boyfriend, I wouldn't tell him. It won't help him any and it will only make him feel uncomfortable.
Best of luck.
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