A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been in a long term (14 yr) relationship and have two children. I married just 8 months ago. I have met another guy and have been secretly seeing him for 5 months of this marriage. I feel terrible and have tried telling my husband that we need to seperate as we are not working but he is really family orientated and just goes on as normal. I am certain i am in love with the other guy and he has told me he is too, i feel things for this guy i have never experienced before. The other guy is very reserved though and we bicker over how much time i give him and the fact it isn't enough but then i ofen get the feeling he is too busy to see me anyway. Should i hur my children and my husband to try for happiness with this guy??? I really have never felt this way before, even when he says hurtfl hings during bickering i can't help but want to be with this guy.I noticed he doesnt text as much as at first when we are not together and he says it is because he misses me too much and he thought of me being in the same house as my husband hurts him.....do you think this is true?? he did know i was married.Thank you
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (16 August 2012):
 Of course it is hurtful for him to think of you with your husband, you are playing happy families with your husband and kids while your guy on the side has to sit and wait to get any time with you at all. He clearly has strong feelings for you, so it is going to hurt thinking of you with another man.
Imagine your guy on the side was with another woman, I bet that would hurt you thinking about them together right? Well it is the same for your guy.
So what should you do? Well at the end of the day you have been having an affair for almost the entire duration of your married life. Newlyweds are supposed to be head over heels in love, in the honeymoon phase and having a great time together. Not having an affair. Clearly you dont love your husband anymore otherwise you wouldnt be cheating, if you had any respect or feelings left for him you would not be doing this behind his back. So the marriage is already over, even if he doesnt know it yet.
I think you need to come clean to your husband, admit you should never have married him (why did you marry him by the way if you have been having this affair so soon after the marriage?) and you have been having an affair for 5 months. Admit you are in love with this other man and you are leaving, and there is no way the marriage can be saved. I think once your husband knows about the affair it will be a lot easier for him to go through with the divorce, because he probably wont want to be with a woman who has been cheating on him for so long. It will help him to see he deserves better and it will help him to move on.
Yes this is going to hurt your kids, but you should have thought about that before you embarked on your affair. You need to separate from your husband as soon as possible so you stop hurting him like this, and then focus on the kids and how you are going to share custody, planning visitation etc.
Once all that is sorted and you both have places to live (and dont even think about moving in with the new guy), then you can start to think about dating the new guy properly, rather than doing it all in secret. But you need to take time out from him to give yourself fully to the kids so you can ensure that this transition from a happy family unit to single parents isnt going to hurt them anymore than necessary. This is going to be hard for the kids so you need to give them 100% of your attention, if you are off dating then you are going to get caught up with your new man and you will be distracted.
I hope this helps and good luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2012): Your guy on the side obviously has genuine feelings for you. And by limiting his contact, he's giving himself some distance, probably to reflect on this situation in a clearer frame of mind.No matter what you want and no matter what he or your husband wants, you must put the children first. Whatever issues you and your husband are having, that is for you two to get to the bottom of one way or another, there is no need to make your children suffer by walking out on them.I think you should request to call things off with your fancy man for the time being until you sort out the marriage situation, and if he's still interested afterwards then see how things go with him.I also think you need to be more assertive with your husband to get your point across, this situation won't just iron itself out. It needs addressing asap, your husband NEEDS to listen to what you have to say because it concerns his future too, not just yours and the children's.
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A
female
reader, starstrukkx3 +, writes (15 August 2012):
 I think your man on the side is hurting. Whether he knew you were married or not before you two got involved, it will upset him that you're officially somebody else's and not his.
I wouldn't do anything too rash. You must consider your children's feelings, but I know that as a mother you know this already :-) I think you really need to force your husband to sit down and talk. And don't leave any stone untouched. Tell him how this happened and how you feel about him. Do it when you're in a situation where he can't exactly ignore you.
If you're absolutely certain that you'll find happiness, security and permanent love with the other guy, then go for it!
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