A
female
age
30-35,
*irl Pants
writes:Me and my boyfriend have been dating for 5 year. He’s 27 and I’m 26.My bf is a good man; responsible, hardworking and a very driven individual. On the other hand, he is not very romantic and he is not good with expressing himself. I have a few issues in our relationship that I’d like to seek advices for.1) His inability to express himselfSometimes I feel he wants to do something special for me but he’s holding back. I think maybe he’s scared of feeling vulnerable if he were to show that side of him. For 5 years we’ve been dating, he has not celebrated my birthday or say “I love you” face to face. I am not mad at him for not doing so because I do understand maybe it is hard for him to express it out. But at the same time, it would be really nice if he could do so. For his birthday, I do make it a little special for him because he's not the "party" or "surprise" kind of guy. I always make him handmade things like cookies, cards or photo album because he loves it. Not that he told me, but I can see from his face that he likes receiving them.2) Working excessivelyI haven't seen him since 1st July. Since we’ve started dating, we only meet up about once or twice a month. I have always understood that he's busy. He is a firefighter, thus he works long hours. Apart from that, he also has a part time job where he'll work when he's off duty. When he's not working, he'll either rest at home or play sports. He’s not financially troubled but I believe the reason he's working hard is because his dad left his family when he was 10. So he felt responsible in taking care of his family finances (3 siblings + his mum). We’re not living together and we’re about 20mins drive away from each other. Again, I’m not mad at him for not spending time with me but wish he could at least make a LITTLE time for me. We have talked about marriage. To be honest, I don't have much savings to get married and he’s also working hard to support his family. I didn’t want to add more burden on his shoulders so I told him I don't mind having a very small ceremony so we don't have to spend so much. But somehow I feel he wants to give me a proper wedding. Maybe it's a man thing, I don't know. I feel that he feels responsible and obligated to make sure I have the best.3) CommunicationWe hardly have a conversation these days except for routine ones like “Good Morning” and “Goodnight”. I find that it is hard for him to hold the conversation. Usually I’ll be the one making conversations. If I don’t talk, we both will be quiet. Sometimes if I have problems or a bad day, I’d text him. Sometimes he’ll reply in like 3-4 hours’ time but most of the time, he doesn’t reply at all. This usually happens if I share bad things with him. I feel like he’s ignoring me and it actually hurts. So now I’ve tried to keep things to myself but that defeats the purpose right? Shouldn’t couples support each other through good and bad times? Again, I think it’s because he doesn’t know how to express himself thus don’t know how to console me. I have googled my situation online (desperately) and noticed that people who have experienced something similar to mine stated that their spouses are actually cheating on them. I am not being in denial but I know him very well and he will never do anything like that to hurt me. We both come from broken families and we are very determined not to let our relationship head that way.I know how men are not good with expressing their emotions but there’s no point in me changing him right? So what can I do to improve our communication and avoid from feeling neglected? Or what can I do to improve our current situation without making him feel like it’s his fault? I don’t want him to feel bad about this. Sometimes I wish that he could put in more effort in our relationship like how he does in his work but I didn’t want to tell him because that will make him feel bad and I don’t want to shame him that way.Any positive way of handling this? Thanks in advance!
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (19 October 2014):
 Uhh, if you haven't seen him for 3 1/2 months and you live locally, then you don't have a relationship with him. Neglected would be an understatement. He's not at a place to have a girlfriend, and things aren't changing any time soon. He's supporting his family, and they're not going anywhere.
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