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My man is defensive

Tagged as: Dating, The ex-factor, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 June 2010) 5 Answers - (Newest, 1 July 2010)
A female United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

my boyfriend i have been together for two years now and we just recently just moved in everything is good.i have problem with hem every time i ask hem why he gets so defensive whenever i ask somthing about hes exwife he gets realy mad he doesnt want to hear what i got to say and just shuts me up so i have no choice but to because i dont get any answer out of hem.he divorced her and i have asked hem if he still loves her he said no hes told me nothing but bad things about her and that he would never go back to her but i dont understand why he get so mad and devensive when we are talk about her and i ask something he said he just dont want to hear it i realy dont see why because it turnes into a arguement i said no it shouldnt why should it we are just talkn and theres no reason why it should turne into a arguement.im just tryn to understand why the reason is that he can never talk about her without getting so defensive over it he makes me feel real hurt as if he cares more about her feeking then mine because he makes me almost belive he cares more about her but getting so defensive over her and that makes me belive other thing i am just trying to understand how to talk to hem about it because i have many aways im a very opened person and like to build trust with my man and make hem feel he can tell me anything it doesnt matter what it is i rather know then not know at all!!

View related questions: divorce, ex-wife, moved in

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2010):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

why do you say that second marriage is 100% harder then first marriage?

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A female reader, Liza999 Canada +, writes (30 June 2010):

Liza999 agony aunt

Maybe it is time to let that go ...after 2 years of being with someone they don't want to have to keep reassuring you. I know we like to talk, as girls we can talk too much

We want to know every detail and especially we want to know that our guy is not harbouring any feelings for an ex!You have already discussed her, you have been told many times now, let it go.... Having to repeat yourself and talk about someone that isn't in your life anymore can put anyone on the defense.

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A female reader, Ampersand Canada +, writes (30 June 2010):

Ampersand agony auntPerhaps he wants to leave the past in the past. The divorce might be a sore spot for him and nothing he wants to be reminded of or have to talk about. You should try to respect his wishes. He'll talk about it if/when he feels he needs to but don't force the issue.

Their relationship is history, why not focus on the relationship you have with him now, as there is no need to bring up the ghosts of the past. In my opinion this is not a trust related issue.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2010):

Hi, I understand how you feel. I am a second wife. My husand has never once spoke badly about his x. It was hard to understand. I just let it go after awhile. I really think the reason is because she was a good person in the marriage and he was not. It hard for me to come to grips with that but I truely believe it. Therefore - what can he say about her.

The best thing for you to do --- let it go. Your relationship with him will work or it will not. I think second marriages are 100% harder then first.

I wish you peace.

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A female reader, cutiemax09 United Kingdom +, writes (30 June 2010):

cutiemax09 agony auntWell ii honestly think him and his ex wife may have had a bad relationship or conflict and everytime you bring her up brings him 2 memories about whatever they went through in the past. And ii also think that it makes him feel uncomfortable even thinking about her because he wants to just move on with you and leave her in the past so instead of constantly bringing her up allow him 2 forget about her and leave her in his past .

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