A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:So here goes...My husband's father is a very large man whose in poor health. My mother in law and husband treat the time with him as precious. He could go at any time from a heart attack. We can see his health declining every week.He can hardly walk and standing up for a few minutes at a time causes intense knee pain. Nevertheless, EVERY WEEK he asks us around for dinner. He won't let us bring anything, won't consider going OUT for tea or having takeaways - no, he HAS to cook. Because time with him is so precious for my husband ( and I wouldn't want to offend them) I always accept the invite.Kitchen hygiene is a thing of the past in the household. Soap in the kitchen is a foreign concept. I just try to tell myself maybe they wash their hands in the bathroom between food prep but that's just wishful thinking.Every time we go I feel it's Russian Roulette. I've had severe food poisonining in the past from somewhere else so granted I'm careful where I eat - except I have to try and relax when I go there and not think about it, otherwise I'd be a nervous wreck!Anyway, as my father in law declines in his health, his cooking skills have pretty much disappeared. Cooking a meal completely takes all the energy he has. Tea last night was an absolute disaster. Despite arguing that I would bring tea to THEIR place (since they won't come here because it's too hard on his knees), we went there for what promised to be a very EASY meal for him to prepare. Problem is, when he cooks, he caters for 1-2 people regardless of asking us! Last night, 4 of us arrived to one parsnip (cut into four), 3 small kumaras and a plate of half raw chicken legs. Chicken is the one thing I'm very careful about, so sitting there struggling to cut into my half raw chicken legs while my father watches to see if I'm eating and enjoying it is my idea of a fullblown nightmare!!I did try my best to get out of tea last night.. for the first time in years. We are trying for a baby so at this stage I could be pregnant, so after yet ANOTHER raw chicken incident last night, I feel angry and frustrated!What do I do?? No, he won't come to my place, NO he won't let me bring food to theirs. I feel like I'm in handcuffs!Oh and while he was getting the chicken out of the oven, also refusing help, he dropped everything on the floor.Some nights we go and he's having to sit down midway through cutting a roast because he's too tired! Or he's dripping in sweat and panting as if he's just run a marathon and that's just from walking from one end of the kitchen to the other.I'm stumped as to what to do. Any suggestions would be most helpful.Thank you
View related questions:
be pregnant, trying for a baby Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2014): OP here, This has all been such great advice. When I wrote the post I was venting frustration but you've all helped me to see that there are plenty of things I can do here. And, CindyCares, thanks for reminding me that I need to think about him instead of being so self-involved in what really is a petty small thing.You are right. It is about family and being together.. and they are good people, only trying to help. Your advice was especially helpful because, even though I'm a caring person, I am being selfish, forgetting the big picture. And when I'm frustrated I rant that, "Why does he HAVE to cook when he clearly can't cope with it anymore?".. but you hit the nail on the head - it's because he wants to set a goal and achieve something.. wants to contribute in some way.You've snapped me out of my self-involved rant. Thank you all.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2014): Tell a white lie and insist that you have a PERSONAL special diet plan now (for whatever reason, pregnancy, certain food intolerance,fitness) and you must stick to it. Prepare it and seal it, bring it to the table and eat it. Don't suffer, put your foot down and take charge of your own meal time. White lie to protect ALL CONCERNED.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2014): If it's just the meat, tell him you're a vegetarian! That way you can still attend and just eat the veg. As others have said, eat something before you go, so that you don't have to eat much. At the end of the day, it's more about the family being together than what you're eating.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2014): I would just bring my own food anyway and eat that, just insist that you will be bringing a dish or three. Discuss this with your husband- this isn't something you need to tolerate. If there is any chance he can loose weight and improve his health and life expectancy I would discuss that subject as well.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 May 2014):
 Ok, let's try more different approaches :
1 ) Compassion. It is my favourite one, and don't think I don't feel your pain, I am squeamish about hygiene and a bit particular about my food ...but, the man is a goner, OP ! His days are numbered, and in the conditions he is, I bet he can't go around partying and socializing and having fun. That cooking day is most of what's left for him to enjoy- the joy of having something to plan, to look forward, a way to take his mind off things, the sensation of not being an invalid but still a person who can do stuff and be useful... let him cook, let him have his fun, - be generous and put up with it. You can always eat something at home, before you go, to make sure you won't be starving, and when you are there just nibble something here and there. Since the portions are so small maybe they won't notice , but if they do, what can they do, force feed you ? Just say , thanks I am not hungry, or I have got a stomach ache today, or it's that time of the month, or my doctor forbids me to eat X... lie , if you have to. From what you say, these weekly dinners could stop any moment, chances are you won't have to join them much longer, so a bit of patience would be in order.
2 ) assertiveness : come on, OP, these are your in-laws, they are FAMILY, should you stand so much on ceremony with them ? If you like your meat cooked more, just SAY it. " Sorry, silly me, but... I like my chicken cooked more, I'll put it back on the stove. Yeah, am I picky eater or what, uh ? but , tastes are tastes, I just DON'T eat things that are not very well cooked ".
3 ) avoidance. Just don't go. Stay home. Explain your husband how you feel about the situation, tell him that it is so trying for your patience that you are afraid that one of these times you are going to lose it and end up wit disrespect his parents, and to avoid that , stay home. Let him come up with a convenient excuse, ( I think that in a case like this a little white lie is forgivable ) . Or , do not invent specific fibs, just say you prefer to stay at home to rest and have some " me time ". Yeah they might get pissed, but, OP, you can't make an omelette without breaking the eggs, you've got to decide what is worse : hurting your in-laws sensitivity or your stomach, then choose accordingly.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2014): Sageoldguy1465, I've said everything in this to my husband several times. He won't stand up to them. Just lets them take over.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (23 May 2014):
 This "question" should really be directed to your hubby..... who holds the key to all your questions. Print out a copy of this submittal.... place it in front of him, and say: "Hunchy Bunchy, I wrote this.... and expect YOU to work with your Daddy to make right the several issues in it."
That should do it.
Good luck...
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2014): Thanks Tisha.. what wonderful advice! Till now I've played the "we're worried about the hassle" card but it obviously never works. The honesty card wouldn't work because he'd just argue it IS cooked and "you're being rediculous!!" He's a knowitall hot headed type.
The small pieces thing (to check it's cooked) doesn't work.. he watches that then says "Whats wrong are you crook?????"
He may be old & sickly but I tell you he makes me so mad!!!
They have a different idea of what's cooked. Chook legs I cook are cooked long & slow & fall off the bone. His were like rubber & my MILs were bleeding over the table. God I hate inlaw dinners
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (23 May 2014):
 Forgot to say that you need to get a copy of Ruth Reichl's autobiography "Tender at the Bone." She describes her mother's cooking disasters in loving humorous detail.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (23 May 2014):
I am dealing with aging parents and less than stellar hygiene issues as well. I just smile and make light of it and make sure the food is either safe for consumption or it goes in the bin.
"Thank you so much, dear FIL, for the lovely meal. It's such a wonderful gesture you do for us and we do so much appreciate it.
"I'm sure your generous spirit and warm heart won't mind too much if I wonder if your oven/hob/grill is working properly, as this chicken isn't quite cooked through. I'll just pop it back into the kitchen and ensure it is fully cooked. Look here, see, it's pink and raw here. I'm sure it was just a malfunction."
Repeat as necessary.
Or go with dishonesty. "Dear FIL, we so appreciate your generosity and effort in cooking us tea each week. We are just recovering from a stomach bug and won't be able to eat. So please just make dinner for yourself and we will come spend our usual time with you. We don't want to miss our precious and enjoyable time with you."
Or go with the sleight-of-hand. Cut up your meal into little pieces and as each morsel reaches your mouth, allow it to fall non-dramatically into a strategically placed bag on your lap.
Or go with honesty. "Dear FIL, we really do appreciate all the wonderful meals we've enjoyed here. However, we've noticed that you are struggling with some aspects of the meal. --insert list of noticed flaws here--
"We just don't feel safe eating food that is undercooked or has been dropped on the floor.
"Additionally, you have been sitting down, sweating and panting, we are very worried for your health and cannot refrain from expressing our concern for your health and well-being any longer."
Be polite to the elephant in the room, as it were, but don't ignore it if you are having this much trouble with the meals there.
...............................
|
