A
female
age
,
*alamute pup
writes:I am at a cross roads, I confirmed on Friday, what I knew in my mind for a couple of months, that my husband is having another affair. This will be the third affair I know of, and in the very early days he had a few one night stands. We have been together 20 years, and married 6 years ago. The affair before this was 8 years ago, and we lived aprt for 6 months but still saw each other, and it was a time in my life that was so awful as he did not know if he wanted to try again. I suspect he came back as I had just started to move forward and kissed a man (with some passion)good night after a night in a club with friends. He had followed me which I did not know.This time I feel nothing, I left him a letter the same day and went out and I asked him to pack some stuff that night and move out to give me some space and to tell our 3 adult children.He did both, and is staying at our sons house. We have spoken calmly and he said he has finished it and said he had never any intention of leaving me. He says he does not know what to do as he does not know why he does it. He does not know if we should call it a day or see if we can rebuild. He agrees whatever happens he need to see someone, as he is frightend it is something he has got from his father that very few years moves onto a younger model and leaves the current wife to marry them.We would need to sell the house if we spilt, and this was my home before we got together, and our youngest daughter (21 years old)lives with us as she has a serious enduring metal health diagnosisWhy do I feel nothing, why have I not even cried, I am a very emotional person normally and just feel quite calm. Should I evn try again, or is he always going to do this? We have agreed to speak again next weekend once we have both had time to think.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2009): You're still young enough to find someone who really loves you, and he'll never realy love anyone because he doesn't even know what it is. He is obviously one of those men who have no conscience and think that it's OK to have the little wife at home looking after him while he sows his oats somewhere else, with the attitude that what you don't know won't hurt you. These men are creeps. Why any woman puts up with their crap is a huge mystery to me.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (27 September 2009):
You've allowed yourself to become his doormat. And that is through no fault of your own, it's because he's lied, made promiseses, broken them, hurt you and lied and made a few more promises. This guy will not change and you deserve so much better than this. If you're feeling nothing because of the affair, it's because you know this is over. Be brave and leave him. Lots of luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2009): I'd get your financial affrais in order the best you can, pay off debt (credit cards) and make sure that he doesn't empty out the bank accounts should he figure out that you're ending the marriage.
If the house was yours prior to marrage I hope that the law says it's YOURs and that he doesn't get any finical interest in it. If you have to sell, I hope that it's because you can't afford it on one income and NOT because you have to cash him out. (actually, I hope you can KEEP it, and that you don't HAVE to sell!)
He needs to take care of your daughter, and you should seek legal council about him participating in her long term care.
Good luck! I agree with the others, you've put your life on hold for years for him and he doesn't care. If he's following the example that his old man set for him that's HIS CHOICE... it's not a defective gene, it's an overactive zipper in his jeans.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2009): You are either in total shock, or you assumed that this would happen again, and aren't surprised. You really really need to end things. Your marriage is not a marriage anymore. It seems like it is more of a commitment to your house and your children, rather than a commitment to eachother. Plus, he has broken this. If you really wanted to give this a try, you would have already tried to get counseling after the first previous affairs and one-night-stands.
Your husband won't leave you because he is able to use you when he wants you and play with whomever he wants on the side. You are getting the bad end of the situation, and you will be letting this happen to you for the rest of your life if you stay with him.
You are still relatively young, life is not over, and if you settle for this kind of lifestyle, then you are just giving up.
Please leave him, for the most part your kids are out of the house...what's more important, the house or your happiness? There ARE men out there that do not cheat.
Go on an adventure with some friends and take some much needed time for yourself. decide TODAY. :)
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A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (27 September 2009):
 I'm not dissimilar to your husband. Those of us that have multiple affairs despite loving our wives have a flaw in our psychological make up and it is very unlikely to change until our sex drive goes or the opportunities disappear. Your husband is most unlikely to change.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2009): It is possible that you feel nothing because deep down you had expected it to hsppen again at some point. The outcome of the situation must happen because it is what you want. You must think about yourself for once because no doubt most of your life you have put other people first. You may find that if you choose to split then you would want to move house because of everything that has happened while you have been there and get a clean start. With the support and encouragement from both you and your husband your daughter will settle into a new house and, although it may be slowly, come to terms with things. Saying this no one can tell you what to do. Only you know if you think he will cheat again and only you know if you can truly forgive him. I wish you all the luck in the world with making your decision and hope that you can be happy in the future.
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A
female
reader, Bubuvn  +, writes (27 September 2009):
Dear My friend,
Please leave him and never look back. Once cheater always cheater and will not be change.
He will going to do this again and you no need to try again. Life still is beautiful w/o him. Live happy and forget about him.
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