A
female
age
51-59,
*utdonestepmom
writes:Hello. In searching for an answer or at best some understanding to a terrible situation, I found this sight. To say that I'm thankful is an understatement. I have a 26-year-old stepson whose hygiene and overall laziness drives me crazy. He doesn't bathe, brush his teeth or anything related to clean in general. He also hasn't worked in years and feels intitled to whatever he wants. His Daddy gives him whatever he asks for that he is able to. He lives with us so it isn't something I can escape. I do care for him and he is a nice young man. Even though completely different in all ways from my children and his two brothers. They are clean and seem to care about normal things. He has no friends, shows no interest in girls or boys for that matter. He spends all if his waking hours gaming or searching the internet. He will not even go outside unless he is "connected". I worry about what will happen to him when his father is gone. My husband gets very upset if anything is said about it and it puts distance between us. Its hard not to mention it when he walks past and the oder trails behind him. If you opens the door to his room (upstairs) the smell is instantly noticeable. People mention it to me all of the time but I have no idea what to do. I think he needs some type of help. It drives me crazy but it also breaks my heart. I know it worries his Daddy but he will never address it. Please help if you can. If not thanks for the vent.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (21 June 2016):
 Stand your ground, there is no point waiting it out, nothing will ever change. You need to take action. This is your home and your life, and it is not doing his son any favors brushing it under the carpet and hoping it will go away. He is not going to wake up one day and be a different man, he needs help and that needs to come from you both.
Look sit with your husband and tell him you cannot go on this way, if he keeps burying his head in the sand then you will be the one to leave.
A
female
reader, outdonestepmom +, writes (21 June 2016):
outdonestepmom is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all. I've tried the things suggested and it hasn't helped. His Daddy gets angry about it and says I'm picking on him. I'm lost at what to do, but mostly I don't want to wind up having harder feelings than I already do. Just feels hopeless. Thank you all again for your time and kind words.I can only hope for some change and the strength to wait it out.
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female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (20 June 2016):
 This is terrible. Your husband is enabling your 26 year old adult son. And youre enabling your husband!Why havent you discussed with your husband the serious repercussions of what you both have allowed your son to become? I dont want to hear the excuses you've made up in your mind. This is a serious matter, sit your husband down and discuss your worries. Because Are you afraid of your husband? If no, what is stopping you from voicing your real concerns?! What has allowed you to let him progress into this stinky, lazy, basement computer hoarder person that he is ? Im sure hes a nice young man but that doesnt pay the bills. It doesnt make him smell any better, it doesnt make him happy, nor are you happy!Its not even about his hygiene; he obviously has never gain experience in the real world! he needs friends he can hang out with in person, the ability to know how to find a job, network, ask girls/boys out, be able to negotiate---basically have a life and think for himself. The fact that he has never been able to build up these skills are dangerous to his health, along with his bad hygiene. Hes essentially staying a spoiled 10 year old---being babied and unable to feel responsibility, empowerment, joy, freedom, independence, all things that come with being a healthy adult.Discuss these concerns with your husband. Talk to some therapist, schedule your son to see a counselor, have your other children discuss these things with your son as well (sibling encouragement, challenge, and negotiations sometimes work better than parent-child convo) and make steps to help him get better. Allow your son to also to discuss his feelings, his views, his values and try to incorporate that slowly into the steps to make him take action to bettering his life. And make him do the work too! Encourage to do things on his own. Even discuss possibility of him moving out, let him know that he cant go on hoarding on you both, that he must move out and make a life for himself. He may throw a tantrum but you have to rock the boat to go somewhere. Good luck!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2016): Maybe you could do some online assessments first and then also do some assessments in person with a psychologist?.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2016): Have you considered that he could have autism, and/or mental heath problems such as anxiety and depression, or some other mental problem, disability?. Has he ever been assessed for any of these?.If not, I think he should be. I have experience of this because I have aspergers syndrome, which is a type of autism.I have also known other people with other mental problems and disabilities.
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female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (20 June 2016):
 Time to dig your heels in with your partner. When you do just be mindful that he will again try and make you out to be the bad guy, obviously you are not otherwise you wouldn't give a crap,which is good because thats when you strike by telling him "NO...you are doing him wrong by not talking to him about things. You are more of the problem than he because you are enabling a grown man to live like this under our roof". This is most defiantly a got to be cruel to be kind situation. Ask him, your partner, how does he think he will get on in life if he and you were not around? He'd have no job, no relationships(romantic or otherwise) and absolutely no basic life skills whatsoever. At that age , unless you have a disability of some sorts,is simply ridiculous.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2016): I wonder has he always been like that? I thought depression, addictive personality and autism spectrum. That last one bc he doesn't like to interact with "live" people. I would have to know more about his mannerisms and quirks and sensitivities and STILL wouldn't be able to diagnose. The hygiene and isolation points to depression and gambling points to addiction issues. This is ONLY bc I have addiction/depression issues and my son has autism. But again, I cannot diagnose.As an adult, he should have some responsibilities but you also can't make him do anything. Still, it would be humane, loving, and caring to bring these issues to a professional and see if he/she can interview the young man and maybe see HIS part of the home. Would your husband be willing to at least have him checked out? It really seems to be a deeper problem than laziness. I feel bad for him too
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (20 June 2016):
 I'd buy some Febreeze (room-deodorizer) and put them in his room. Other than that, I don't know what you can do. He is a GROWN MAN of 26. He doesn't even have basic hygiene? gross. Do you buy him soaps/shampoo etc? Do his laundry? Because I'd simply refuse to do his laundry. Though that might not even help.
I DO think you need to talk to your husband and talk him about what you BOTH can do to motivate the "step" A 26 year old man shouldn't be content living at home playing video games. Seriously!
I'd even consider limiting the internet. If you all have wi-fi at the house simply unplug it (and put away the box) when you and your husband aren't home.
You need to sit your husband down and talk about this. Even if it means the hubby gets upset. He can't keep sticking his head in the sand here, HE needs to PARENT his ADULT child.
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