A
female
age
30-35,
*sears1989
writes:My marriage is over basically. I've been with my husband for 13 years and married 8. We have a long history of on again and off again and everytime I try to change myself but then I stopped because I let something he said or did bother me enough to stop. Well after years of this he's done. He wants a divorce but I don't. We have 3 kids together and they want us to stay together. He gave me a year but he doesn't think it's going to change anything as he can't keep the thought of when is the curtain going to fall out of his brain. I'm not ready for this to be over. I'm changing finally but things keep getting worse. He's also acting suspicious. But I don't know what to do. I'm not ready to give up and my kids needs me to try one last time even if it don't work as they are going to be devastated. This is killing me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2021): Try to get a part time job so that you are back in the work market as this will help financially and improve your self esteem.
If you feel you have been out of the work market building family then start off slowly and build your career up slowly.
There will be something suitable for you in your circumstances once you define your abilities and build up your references.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2021): You've created 3 kids in an 8 year marriage and that takes quite a bit of effort on your part.
Believe me,I know children don't just pop out and get up and running without a lot of time and effort from the mother, so why should he consider now that you are not good enough for your family!
Some guys are just plain manipulative and it seriously sounds as though you are stuck with a narcissistic and manipulative man for a husband.
It's so easy to reject someone who has put their life on hold to bring their family into the world.
The children must still be young and possibly still pre-school age.
At most they could just be starting out in primary school and of course they still need their mother.
I think it is a fine time for him to blame you for 'not being good enough!'
This is a time when most people are standing together and supporting each other, not tearing them down after they've just got the family started.
I suggest you see a solicitor and get in early because the only reason he could be knocking your confidence down is for a divorce. (In the hope that he gets a ready made family.)
Just discover the mechanisms of divorce and the criteria for it.
In effect find out how solid your history is for you to keep the children.
Maybe he wants the children with him and doesn't want to pay you maintenance money.
He would be demanding you rush out to work so that he could claim you are disconnected as a mother and that the children would be better off elsewhere ( or with him) so that you had to pay him maintenance while he moves on with a new flame who is willing to be at home with more little ones.
I'm thinking out of the box here so don't panic.
It's just something to be aware of.
The children still need you and you still need your kids.
The husband is a weak after-thought because he is untrustworthy and has blamed you when you might in fact even be blameless.
Maybe you should start making videos of the children playing happily at home with their mum nearby!
Maybe make a video of them making cakes at the table together.
This will be your evidence if he tries to character assassinate you and claim you are always hollering at the children and being cruel to them.
A decent guy would be treating you decently right now.
Only a narcissistic person is hellbent on treating anyone as a social interior because it works for them, especially if you believe it.
You don't say what he seems to think your great fault is but it certainly didn't stop him getting you pregnant more than once.
I suspect he might be blaming you for not being back in work, but when you Think about it, how many viable job opportunities have you actually turned down.
How many days have you got all the children out of the house for enough hours to even allow you to take part time work.
Imagine if you asked your husband to paint your house green and then a week later changed your mind and wanted it painted orange!
He might not be as willing to keep changing everything for you as you consider you need to change for him!
Think of all the ways that you are a decent person and a mother and all the ways you look after your children satisfactorily.
It would be good for you to be less isolated and to have a few friends and supporters and the options open to women in your situation are usually to join a church or to become part of the school helping team.
That way you are writing your own character reference.
Keep in touch with your parents if you still have them and remember covid is a pandemic and there is not much any individual can do about it.
It's brought a lot of economic deprivation and getting and keeping a job may be more complicated than normal as there is more sickness around.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (5 December 2021):
I don't know if I understand the situation very well, but it sounds like there's some sort of reoccurring issue with your behavior, and you haven't ever addressed it until he finally couldn't take it anymore. If that's correct then this is my advice:
Don't beg, try to convince him to stay with you, etc. It will only drive him away because it will remind him of your previous broken promises.
Just do the one thing you haven't done that he has been asking for: work on yourself. Take care of your kids, and yourself. Give him a little space. When you lose motivation remind yourself of how you feel right now at the thought of losing him. Continue doing this and keep it your priority. It's possible that over time if he consistently notices a change in behavior that he could begin looking at you differently, he may be reminded of the woman he fell in love with.
The reality is that it may be too late. But for your own good it's worth working on yourself either way.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (4 December 2021):
 Op,
Your husband is already done with this marriage. Nothing you can do or say will change HIS mind. He is done.
Refusing to give him his freedom will do nothing for you or your kids.
Your marriage obviously isn't working. And from the little you write, it hasn't worked in a long time. And you have only NOW decided to change, which sounds like you really aren't going to do it, it just sounds good. If you didn't change over those 8 years, there is no real reason for your husband to believe you will now.
Let him have the divorce.
Work on yourself. Make the best home for your kids that you can give the new situation.
Your kids need two parents who will WANT to be in their lives, the longer you drag this out, the less likely that is. I think all this hostility is more harmful to your kids than you think.
Sometimes things don't work.
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