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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I am feeling so hurt and my hear aches so much. My husband and I were good on Friday and later Friday night, he was out with his brother and sister drinking. He came home after 2am drunk and we had an argument... I told him it is best we go our separate ways. And he decided to leave. He never showed up to work on Saturday and neither did he show up on Sunday. His phone remained at home so I am unable to contact him. The thing is, I told him before he went out with his siblings, after paying my bills I do not have anything left for whatever we needed for our children. Since Saturday at 2am, I haven't heard or seen him. My parents wanted me to make a missing person's report. I was very concerned and worried that something happened to him since he left home drunk. I called his uncle and his uncle said that he would call his daughter's mom. Because I told him, that is the only place he could have gone since he was not by his mother. When his uncle called her, she said he left by her after 11am on Saturday. She didn't say what time he came. My mother insisted to speak with her this morning and she called her and she told my mother the same thing. This is the first time he ever did this to me. Whenever we do argue, we never stayed so long not talking to each other. My parents demanded that I make a missing person report. I went to the police station and I told them what took place. After they called his daughter's mom, she told the police that she didn't see him for the day but he is well and fine. So basically my husband left me. Without even trying to reconcile. Basically he knows that I don't have any money left but yet he never came and neither did he call. I am hurting so much. I really do love my husband but he clearly doesn't love me and our kids.
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice  + ♥, writes (9 March 2020):
 Thanks for the follow ups.
I only have a little to add. Don't let your love blind you to the effects of addiction or abuse.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2020): Thanks for the advice. This whole situation made me realize how much I love my husband. I do try to understand how he feels. But I really think he needs to go counseling. We both do. Right now I am feeling like I have the world on my shoulders. I feel like I have to be strong...I know I am strong. But I am physically and mentally tired.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2020): It's not your fault sweetie. You were upset with his behaviour. You lashed out. We women do emotional things when we're upset or at the end of our rope. You were trying to get him to straighten out. To stop behaving like a selfish and irresponsible child. He is a grown man with a wife and kids who depend on him to act like an adult. In the heat of anger, we can all utter such words, and feel exactly the way you do. So, don't beat yourself up. He is to blame. He pushed you to this point. I suspect maybe there have been other episodes in the past where he drinks and acts irresponsibly? Where you have repeatedly told him to stop, only to have your feelings fall on deaf ears? No woman reacts as extremely as you did unless he's been behaving this way for a long time and pushed you over the edge. I think maybe he wasn't entirely happy in the marriage and used this excuse as his exit strategy. It's possible that a partner may have checked out and all the bad behaviour is a way of getting the other partner to push them away or leave them. Or using any excuse to leave themselves. I think you need to accept his decision for now, as hard as that may seem. Rely on the support of your family. It is possible he's hurt and wants to punish you for telling him to leave. Or he needs to cool off and will come back to reason with you once he's done that. But one thing is for sure. You can't go back to the way your marriage was before he left or it won't survive. You need intervention and need to seek out counselling. Your husband has issues he needs to deal with. When someone drinks too much, they are using it as an escape. But you can't keep escaping and ruining your life in the process. You need to own up to your problems before you can work on them. If you really do love each other, you need to TALK and COMMUNICATE with each other. You both must be brutally honest and vulnerable. Sweeping things under the rug over time only creates more and more distance.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (4 March 2020):
 What were you expecting here? You told him to leave so he left.
Concentrate on looking after your kids for the time being as they’re more important. If he decides to come back after he’s cooled off then you can have a mature conversation about the situation. For future reference, don’t say things you don’t mean as you never know when people will take you up on it.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (3 March 2020):
 He needs counselling and possibly medication for his depression. Ignore your mother for now, just insist he gets help.
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (3 March 2020):
 You told him that you want to separate and so he left. You did not even give the guy an ultimatum because what you said was "it is best we go our separate ways" which is a statement that you made (out of anger it seems) so the guy probably thought "well okay then". OP be very careful about saying very serious things when you're angry and hurt. He's definitely in the wrong for completely leaving his family behind I especially mean his kids because he did respect your wishes and separate himself from you. Regardless of what happens in your marriage, he still has an obligation to his kids. He obviously wishes not to be contacted right now because he's probably trying to make sense of everything and work through his feelings.
I know that in the meanwhile, you will make a plan to provide what your kids need because that's what a mother's love pushes her to do. That should be priority number one right now. Family members should be willing to help. No one with the resources would be happy to let innocent kids suffer the consequences in a situation like this.
I don't think that filing a missing persons report would have solved much anyway especially because of your choice of words in the argument. It's as though you indirectly told him to leave. Again, out of anger, you clearly did not mean it but you said it and he's feeling some type of way about it.
When the time is right, the two of you will most likely have an opportunity to talk about this. When that time comes, you can communicate your feelings to him regarding all of this. Until then, let your focus be on providing for your kids, and yourself. If he wants to be found, he will make himself easy to access. Currently he wishes to remain 'missing'.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2020): Thank you for the advice. At this moment, I know my husband is very much frustrated about not being where he desired to be in life. Earlier this week, he got really disappointing news. He found out that he wasnt successful for a job he dreamed of having. He told me some time ago that he is feeling depressed. I do believe he is. My parents have the world to say about him now. Especially as he never tried to contact us. They keep saying he just doesn't care. They do not see a man who is hurting. My mother said that she would never tell me to leave my husband. Yet she keeps indicating that I should leave him for what he did...with all that she said about him. "How do you think his heart felt when he heard those words from you?" I know I was wrong. Especially for even letting him leave without making an effort to stop him. He came back home and apologized for what he did. He said he needed to clear his head as he is feeling so depressed. Today his sister played a recording of a conversation they had last week. He broke down crying. I told my parents this yet they are very angry about what he did and want me to leave him. When I saw him I was so angry...but later on I just had to smile. I do love my husband but my mother keeps singing in my ears to leave since he didn't care.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (2 March 2020):
OP says, " He came home after 2am drunk and we had an argument... I told him it is best we go our separate ways."
As a cautionary tale this is a very important point. When you say things like this, When you make ultimatums, you need to be prepared to enforce them.
How would your husband know that you love him? How would he think that you desire to reconcile? You communicated to him that you desired to divide.
How do you think his heart felt when he heard those words from you?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2020): Thank you for your advice. My parents and my relatives are very supportive. So they helped me out. Yes we argued before. But he never reached to this point where he left. And I do not know how to move on. I am feeling like I am suffocating. My heart aches knowing how my husband is moving with us, especially with our children. How do I move on?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2020): I am so very sorry. I guess you have to come to terms with the possibility he won't comeback.
If you need emergency-help, you need to contact your closest-relatives; and apply for social services. You have to feed your kids! I hope you have some connection with your own family! It breaks my heart that it usually turns-out that women in your situation are estranged or isolated from their own families. Totally dependent, and at the mercy of men who don't give a hoot for them; or the brood of kids they've had together.
If you have to go to a food pantry, get some food in the house; and start making calls. You can't feed your family on pity; you have to pull-it together, my dear! He'll be fine, you have to worry about your kids and yourself now.
If he hasn't shown-up to work for two-days; they will dock his pay, and probably fire him as well! Obviously he's got a drinking problem; but it's evident you both have always had problems in your marriage. You don't just up and abandon your family over one single argument.
Get some help, swallow your pride. You need your family and friends for their support and help. God I pray you do have friends and family to help you!
I send my prayers for you and your kids!
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A
female
reader, CarrieSoa +, writes (2 March 2020):
 You told him that it was best to go your separate ways. What did you expect? He did what you asked. He left and that was that.
He is still financially responsible for your children so I suggest you contact a lawyer and get the ball rolling on child support.
You should have waited until the next day when he was sober to have a mature conversation about how difficult things are financially and that going drinking until 2am is inappropriate for a married man with children. You both had these children and he is 50% responsible for their well being.
If you feel he doesn't love you or the children, change the locks, arrange visitation with the children and move on with your life.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (2 March 2020):
Look, I’m really sorry this has happened, but you TOLD him it was best to go your separate ways, so he has!
Ideally, you’d get into marriage counselling because it’s clear neither of you communicate well, especially if you don’t speak to each other for a while after arguments. It’s childish. However, this may have been the last straw for him.
Regardless, you need to speak to a lawyer and get mandatory child support in place immediately. Your children should not have to suffer because their parents aren’t behaving like adults when arguing.
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