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female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: I split with my bf of 3 years last autumn. We have both joined the same dating site and I can't seem to focus on dating as he's always on there. I've now deleted it as its causing me anxiety. I was thinking of getting back with him as love him but now he's looking elsewhere I don't know if its possible to take him back if he is sleeping around or dating after being with someone else it won't be the same. He left me to begin with. Please help?
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (6 March 2020):
 My advice: take a complete break - from dating and especially from your ex. Cut all contact with him for a while (block him if you have to), take a deep breath and decide what you want from life.
To me it sounds like he had little luck on the dating site so he is thinking "better the devil you know" (not that I am implying there is anything wrong with you, just that he is "settling" for the familiar rather than having to put in more effort to find someone new).
Only when you have worked out what it is you want in life will you have a clearer picture of how to proceed. Frankly, if you are having such success on the site (at least initially), I see no reason to recycle an ex who dumped you and now messes with your head.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2020): I won’t hit you with religious sentiment . Religion isn’t for everyone . I for one don’t follow man mad patriarchal religions however what I do believe and can tell you is that no man ( or woman ) is worth sacrificing your self esteem for. This relationship sounds like it is done , finished and ready to be well and truly laid to rest .
It’s time to pick yourself up and start afresh . Hold your head high , look around at the beautiful earth created by nature and immerse yourself in every wonderful experience you can . If someone special comes along to share that experience with you , then wonderful . If not then it is still just as joyous and special. Enjoy every minute of your precious life here . It’s the only one you have . Don’t live for a fantasy
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2020): op - yes he messaged me first on the date site and was stalking my profile and I told him to leave me alone. then I said lets give it a go and then he said he wasn't having any luck on site theyre all shallow and he was fed up with it so text me and took photos off. next day hes back on there with new photos saying he can get whoever he likes it doesn't make sense?
one minute he says hes got lots of women next hes happy on his own? I get 99 messages every few mins on there I am a pretty blonde with good figure for my age. is he confused or just trying to wind me up?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2020): Typo correction:
"That may be true, but there's far too many females out there who find love again, overcome all their setbacks, survive the modern culture; and they succeed at correcting their past mistakes."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2020): If you want to get past this, you've got to be honest with yourself. Starting with the fact that HE left YOU!!!
Now let us dig deep into the psychology behind all this, and how it affects you emotionally. It's important to admit to yourself why you got rejected, and how you feel about it.
At your age, this is not your first breakup, not likely the first love in your life; and you have the benefit of some life-experience under your belt, being a mature-woman over 40.
You didn't join the same dating site just by coincidence. You were stalking him online. You may have even met on that very site! You knew he'd be there. I'm pretty sure you're also spying on him through his other social media accounts; as well as keeping updates on his activities through mutual-friends. Here's a little piece of information that will make you feel better. If he's also over 40 or 50; he's in the same boat, as far as getting back into the dating-world. He'll face all the same frustrations. He may seek younger and attractive-women; but getting or keeping one will be the challenge. Men don't always get what we want, that doesn't stop us from going for it! Learn from that!
You don't want him back, because you love him so much. You attached your self-worth to having a man. Your true value is in your character and good-behavior. Not what people give you, or from outer-sources of validation. It's natural to seek approval from others, but you must never thrive on it.
The painful truth is, you can't stand the fact he dumped you. The idea of him finding another female to replace you just doesn't sit well in your mind. The rejection is a blow to the ego, and it crushes the pride. It shrinks your self-esteem down to a little dried-up raisin. It gave him power and authority over your feelings and emotions. He made a decision to let you go; and to no longer put-up with whatever you do, and/or the things you've said that he didn't like. Enough was enough! Whatever you've gotten-away with in the past, you could no longer getaway with! Surely, he did you wrong in some ways; and surely, it takes two to make a relationship. He gave-up on you. How dare he! Well, if it wasn't working-out, somebody had to make the decision. He doesn't want the relationship anymore. Regardless of why that is; it no longer matters at this point. His decision stands! He no longer finds fulfillment in being with you. It just didn't work, or he'd still be there.
Let-go, and move on! You're not getting any younger, and you're wasting your precious-time. Reconciliations rarely work. Most people don't change, and the time it would take to do that before you reconcile; you may as well move-on and find somebody else to start from scratch.
Only married-people should fight so hard to stay together. They made vows for better or for worse to do that!
You have no choice. If he was rotten to you, untrustworthy, abusive, or a cheat. If you didn't have the sense to breakup; fate, destiny, or divine-intervention had to make that choice for you. When people mature past their 40's, we become set in our ways. Unlikely to change; unless we face a catastrophic life-event, realize our mortality, or suffer a broken-heart.
I've been here on DC a long time. I've read a lot of posts from mature-women who won't let-go; because they fear age will limit their choices. They assume men no-longer want aging-women; and bad old-habits/boyfriends/husbands are hard to give-up. They feel their options are limited, gravity is winning the battle, and cynicism makes them believe men only want vibrant young-women with perky-breasts and a firm-body. That may be true, but there's far too may females out there who find love again, overcome all their setbacks, survive the modern culture; and they succeed at correcting their past mistakes. They are the survivors. God's blessed and beloved, who know there's but One who will never let them down. God Himself! You have to persevere with the faith, no man on earth decides your fate, controls your destiny, or has possession over your capacity to love, or to live-on. Every man you've ever loved can be replaced. We are all replaceable, after love fails. We lose one, and we go find another.
When I got blindsided and dumped; I felt that it was the end of the world. My success, my money, all the friends I have; and even my loving-family, seemed insufficient to comfort me. God tapped me on the shoulder, and I remembered...nobody has that much power over me, or my feelings. I came to DC like you did. I purged my emotions and vented my feelings. I prayed.
I renewed my relationship with my Lord. He took away my fears and pain. I was refreshed. I decided to just work on myself, be thankful for my blessings, and enjoy my independence.
I finally let-go. I helped other people to realize that we have to survive our breakups, and live on. We don't give-up because of age, our physical-appearance, or because some SOB broke our heart. We decide to recover and rebuild our lives. Whatever that takes. You can't foretell the future. Your life doesn't depend on getting him back. Your life depends on your skill to survive, move on, and find your own happiness. If love returns, let it come packaged in a new body, with a new mind, a different spirit, and feeling the same about you as you feel about him.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 March 2020):
 First of all, I am afraid you might be putting the cart before the horses. He left you and since then, he's been looking elsewheer. Ho do you know, or why would you take for granted, that he'd want to be back with you ?
Second, with few exceptions, it is very seldom a good idea to recycle an ex. Exes are exes for a reason, which may sound banal , nevertheless it's true and makes sense. If a relationship is good and healthy, and makes both people happy, and fulfills both people's needs- why would it have broken down to begin with ? If it ended, and even if it ended unilaterally, because of just one partner's decision,- nonetheless it means it was a flawed relationship and it had weak foundations to begin with.
So, rather than revisiting the past, and trying, probably, to make a square peg fit into a round hole,- it is better to move on toward new experiences with a different type of partner.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (4 March 2020):
 If he left you why would he want to get back with you?
There’s obviously a reason why the relationship didn’t work out or else you’d still be together. Revisiting exes is very rarely a good idea. If you’re not ready to date yet then stop trying to force it. Get over your old relationship first, take as long as you need to.
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A
male
reader, Justryingtohelp +, writes (4 March 2020):
If HE left YOU, is he even interested in getting back with you? Is a reconciliation even an option?Why would it matter who he had dated while you two were not in a relationship? After all, you were on a dating site as well.
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