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My husband took me back after I cheated, but I don't want to be with him.

Tagged as: Cheating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (5 August 2009) 8 Answers - (Newest, 6 August 2009)
A female United States age 36-40, anonymous writes:

I have been married for eleven years now. We have a five year old daughter who is my world. In the past two years my marriage has been on very shaky ground. I do not respect my husband because he has made selfish decisions and has not included me in any of them. He constantly criticized my family members including his own behind my back. I have repeatedly told him over the years how much this hurt me but he never let up. Recently I had an affair with a coworker who was also a very good friend for years prior. He pursued me although he was also married and unhappy. He told me he wanted to start a life with me and that he loved me. Well needless to say it did not end well. I have confessed everything to my husband and he says that he can forgive me. The problem is that maybe i don't want him too. I still love the other man and I did not tell my husband that if he were to return, I would want to be with him. I am heartbroken for the other man and am having a hard time being in the same house with my husband. Even though the other man is gone from my life I can't seem to reconnect with my husband even though he "appears" to be trying. I feel I was unfaithful because I do not love my husband anymore and now that the other relationship has ended nothing has changed. I am scared that if I stay in my marriage I will fall into this behavior again because I don't feel happy with him anymore. What should I do?

View related questions: affair, co-worker, heartbroken

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2009):

Hi, I recently went through a very bad marriage crisis and almost left my husband. I fell in love with a friend and, although there was never anything physical, I did have an emotional affair with him.

After finding out my husband begged me not to leave and we have started Marriage Counseling since then.

I has worked quite well and after some sessions and my husband changing compleatly his way of acting and treating me I can say that I am happy with him now and I don't want to live.

I thought it would never be possible to find the "spark" back between us but somehow it happened. I still think about the other guy and love him but I have made the decision to stay in my marriage and now that things are working out I am happy I stayed.

Communication is the key. Talk to him about everything he needs to change in order for you to be happy with him and to have a chance to get the "spark" back between the two of you if there is still a chance.

And also try to go to Marriage Counseling because it can help a lot.

Good luck and keep us posted!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2009):

HHHMMMMM, i have a simular situation to yours and if you were from Australia and had a couple more kids l would asume that this was my wifes story.. not sure if my wife feels the same about her co worker, hope not.

l think you are feeling this way mainly because of the guilt that you are feeling knowing that you had broken your wedding vows. marriage councelling makes a big difference and also some quality time with just you and your husband. try now to start back where it finished, instead treat it as in a new marriage. just remember the grass isn't always greener on the other side even though it looks it. good luck

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A male reader, joe26 Hong Kong +, writes (5 August 2009):

joe26 agony auntwhy such a big punishment?? becouse your hb is selfish? criticized about your family members? is that the reason to cheat on him behind his bk? how pathetic are you! if weren't happy you should be honest and tell him about your feelings instead of cheating behind his back never solve the problems you know. your hb seems nice guy, he loves you thats why took you bk after all the shits you have done to him with your coworker. just leave him alone, you don't deserve him anymore. if you stay with him you will hurt him more so its better for him if you leave sooner. He deserves someone in his life who is faithful to him and love him in return.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2009):

so strange how you justify your affair. for goodness sake that man was married, you did not care about that did you. you tried to be a homewrecker in your attemot to find what? love and happiness???

your excuses are unjustified. your excuses are actually pathetic! and you know it. your hb complians, darling, from your behaviour, you are lucky he has only complained. you are lucky he even took you back, yet you are so ungrateful. why don't you leave your child with your hb and run around town looking for this love and happiness you crave? you know you will f*ck up again. did you not learn your lesson from your last affair. let me answer that:NO, you did not. so, please leave your decent hb and move on. do not steal his life anymore. he deserves better and babes, this better is obviously not you. you do not say what part you have contiibuted to the downfall of your marriage. i actually think you think you are a saint. well from what you have wrote i can honestly say that your hb seems like the saint and you, well, find a word to describe yourself. stop being such an idoit. you are messing up your childs life, but then better to have a good dad than a *ubbish mother. you seem to think that you deserve happiness, yet you are not willing to earn it or even work for it. well you will get what you deserve and believe me it will not be pretty. why?? because you are so full of yourself, shifting the blame totally to your hb. if he had any sense he would just remove you out of his life TOTALLY. SO MUCH FOR THE BAD BAD HB YOU HAVE PORTRAYED TO US. please leave him so that he can find someone who deserves him. stop the whininig. it doesn'r suit you. thank god your married lover went back to his wife. at least he knew a good thing. and he choose his wife over you. speaks volumes doesn't it??? cut all your drama and get a quality life.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2009):

This is ridiculous. Why is everyone is such a hurry to leave their relationship? Don't be so harsh.

Your post is just the tip of the iceberg. Surely there's a lot more there and we only got 2 lines from you as to why your marriage is on shaky grounds.

He complains about family members = EVERYONE complains about family members. Everyone and some express it differently from others.

He's selfish = Well you're not feeling understood and he's not taking your interest to heart and appreciating them. There's a communication breakdown.

Spend the money. See a psychologist individually to sort through your feelings. You really need an objective person to walk you through it and probe you with the right questions. You might want to go with him later on but it's not essential. It is important that you go though - for like 1-2 months. Ignore the psych if he or she wants you to go for "regular appointments" - it too expensive. You'll get what you need in 2 months.

Don't jump ship just because things are sour right now. Every alternative seems sweet when things are going bad with our partner.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2009):

I think you have no choice but to stay with your husband, the other guy is gone, you can't be with him anymore. If you had loved him before you married him I don't see why it can't happen again. The other guy is not going to trust you, he will always think you are going to cheat on him like you did to your husband. I would suggest you stay with your husband, if you both end up getting a divorce at the end, then you can date someone else. Don't jump from one to another while you're still marry, it doesn't look good on your part.

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A female reader, cherry cherry boom boom United States +, writes (5 August 2009):

I'v never been married or had children all I can tell you is listen to your heart in who do you know that will make you happy. Do what is best for yourself. This ya girl, peace.

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A female reader, Renee okc United States +, writes (5 August 2009):

What am I missing here, Why are you trying to put your husband down for saying ok you messed up and I am willing to take you back... No one is forcing you to do anything I don't think. If you don't love your husband and you are tired of his crap then pack your stuff and leave. The only reason you are still with your husband is because the other guy didn't come through for you and now you feel stuck. Honey you are stuck because you want to be LEAVE it is just that simple you both deserve better and why should your husband be 2nd to any man you wouldn't like it if the shoe was on the other foot. I suggest you search your heart and find the courage to leave and stop playing games. Have you ever thought that maybe your husbands senses how you feel and that is why he is treating you so shabby just a thought. Apparently you two are together for your daughter which is not right if you are not in love you need to get to steppin don't you think. I know it can be scary but you have no choice.

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