A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 7 years. We have a beautiful child, age 7, and another age 4. About 4 years ago, my husband was fired from his job and two of his siblings were killed in unrelated homicides. These events happened within 3 months of each other, and he went into a deep depression. He slept all day, refused counseling. I worked 60+ hours per week and took care of our child. I was also 6 months pregnant. I have supported my family for 4 years. I am tired. We are now about to file bankruptcy, we lost our home to foreclosure and are financially devasted. I have huge emotional issues and my health is failing, ulcers, anxiety, and depression. My husband has been looking for a job for approx. a month, and we have talked about this many times. Right now, he takes care of the kids, but he is very hard on them. Lots of yelling, I have spoken with him about this too. No changes.Right after the tragedies 4 years ago, I went on a girls vacation to relax for a bit, and I met a man. He has never pressured me, and other than a quick kiss, nothing happened for 4 years. We have kept in touch and I see him occasionally, and just a few days ago I spent the night with him. And although there was no sex, a lot happened, and I now realize I cheated on my husband. This man wants me to leave, and I want to, but I am scared. And I don't want to damage my kids. My husband is a good man, but I don't know if I can deal with all of it any more. Please help me!! What do I do?? I have read so much about affairs, and most say that I will not be any happier with him, but it doesn't feel that way. Any advice would be welcome!!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, JTalbott +, writes (12 June 2008):
 In your effort to be supportive, you may have become an enabler of husband's dependent behavior. However that beyond the scope of any agony aunt to answer.
I second Anonymous' suggestion that you check out Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. By working with someone else, you can gain the perspective to understand if this is a relationship you can heal or if it is one you need to gently transition out of it.
A person who has gone through the losses your husband has experienced may act out in a harmful way at the threat of loss. In your situation, having an affair can be VERY DANGEROUS.
Please get help for yourself, if not for you, do it for the children you love.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2008): Hi there
My partner also has depression and was in the police. He has it right now. I have also suffered from it but I went for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and it worked miracles. You don’t have to discuss personal things, it just helps you look at your life with a different focus. Men a different from us though, mine wouldn’t go. It is a shame!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2007): I want to thank you all for the responses. They have meant a lot to me!
I wanted to respond to your thoughts as well. First, I understand fully that I should not leave one relationship for another. And, I really don't feel like that is the case. Yes, I do love this other man, but at the same time, I am not looking for anything serious with anyone. I want to be alone. I want to be me. I want to take care of my kids and myself and not worry about anyone else.
It may sound selfish...but I can't carry his weight anymore. He used to be so motivated, so driven. Now, he is lazy and angry. I know he has been through a lot. But, at the same time, so have I. Maybe if I leave, he will see what is life is, nothing, and maybe he'll fix it.
My kids are becoming scared of him, they don't like being around him. They spill a glass of milk, and look at him like they are terrified. Its not right. Don't get me wrong, they play occasionally and they laugh together. But, he's hard on them, and they need a break too.
I think maybe for me, it feels like I need a reason to leave, in this case...the other man...but I think its just me. I just need to be me...to worry only about the things I can control...me and my kids.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (24 December 2007):
 As you know, history really has a great amount of proof when people consider trading up for a new model. You can tell with those who say they're on their 3rd, 4th, 5th marriage. It seems as if that doesn't work too well. You state you have emotional issues. I'll tell you, from experience, if you decide to leave your husband, ABSOLUTELY NO dating until your emotional issues are resolved. It took me a while to figure out what "the worse thing you can do by going into a new relationship is you take you with you" meant. You agree, it takes two to destroy a relationship. The part of you that took part in the destroying blesses the new relationship in not a good way.
With many couples when they split up, you can almost look at their history and predetermine how their next relationship will be ending. Was your husband angry prior to these negative situations? If not, I'd (like the other poster stated) beg him to get help. This sounds like it could be a triggered bipolar disorder or even post traumatic stress disorder.
I'll tell you ahead of time, getting him to a doc may still be difficult. He may even know that he has problems. A big reason people don't seek help in these situations is they feel carrying their pain in a form of proof of their love for those who passed. To get rid of it is seen as disrespecting and being forces to attempt to forget. I don't know if you're religious at all, but from that side, Jesus suffered greatly for all mankind. In a sense, for your husband to carry this huge burden is showing that he's willing to suffer the pain for his family's loss. This happens quite often in families. You see it happening more often than not with someone who's lost a child. It's very hard to explain, but it's like telling yourself "someone took their life, if I find happiness or get over this pain, I'm disrespecting the memory of the one that was taken."
I hope this helps you. Take care, and remember it's not the obstacle that matters, but how we deal with them.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2007): The obvious signs of depression disappeared about a year ago. Then, he started appearing happy, socializing normally and all of that. But, he never got a job, said i made enough to support us and I do like what i do...and now he just recently started looking for a job, but you are right. i lost respect for him. and the love i used to feel is gone. its just numb now. we tried counseling. he thinks he is now doing what i need so everything is ok, all should be forgiven. but it just doesnt. i am already in love with this other man. he has been there for me and strong for 4 years. yes, i love the physical part, but he just showed me what it fells like to have passion and happiness inside...to feel something, anything for someone else. It feels good. I don't feel guilty for that night with him. In a lot of ways, I feel sorry for my husband that what could have been amazing for us turned into what it is. I hate to say that, but its how I feel.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2007): I actually think (some will disagree) that you have been very honourable in your actions. It must have been so very hard to keep going - almost as a single parent - whilst also carrying the emotional pain of your husband. Depression is very debilitating and you should be clear that you have done a great deal to support him. There are many and varied treatments for this (I suffered for 2 years) and I am sure he has looked into some. Having worked indirectly in mental health I can report that the greatest and most positive impact on improving depression is simply 'activity' whether it is sport (most beneficial especially to men) or something creative the point is to be absorbed in it. The mind needs focus. Still I could go on and on but the point here is.... where do you go from here. My hunch is you still care deeply for your husband but have lost some respect for him and your relationship - which is totally understandable and your vulnerability played out in being receptive to this other man. It would be easy to jump ship now but I would say go for it - however the children involved should be considered primarily. It may be worth being very very frank with your husband and say that you will not support any more negativity but will support him if he makes changes. Write down these things for him if necessary. You could set a time limit and boundaries. If there is no difference and you feel the same way then you really have done all you can. What I am suggesting is... is it worth one last push? Regarding the other guy I wonder if he is just something new or different which is great but maybe you don't need pressure right now from either party. You need to remember yourself again - time just for you - indulging in positive things. Spend some time (you judge how long) getting to know a little more about this other guy without progressing it physically. Or you could put him completely to one side and concentrate on your husband? It is hard to be emotionally committed either way. You need to decide what the priority is as there is a lot at stake. Could you be without either man for a while? Think things through and don't make any hasty moves - you don't have to. Time is on your side.
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