A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been together for 7 years and married for 5. About 2 years ago he told a really stupid lie and it took me a while to trust him. If a friend lies to me I completely cut them off but marriage is a life time commitment so obviously very big learning curve for me in that kind of situation! He knows where I stand with honesty it is so important to me. I sometimes hear him tell his mum white lies on the phone and it makes me wonder does he do the same to me? We are otherwise very happy, we laugh every day, are best friends and share everything together. Last night he told another totally stupid lie and it has really messed my head up. He went to a stag night and I was really ill with a bug. He made sure I was comfortable and had everything I needed and promised to call later to check on me. This didn't happen which was fine, I know what the lads are like when they get together! I was glad he was having fun. He said he would be home by 9 because I was ill, the time came and went but again I really didn't mind I knew more likely it would be a 3am stint. At 1am he called me absolutely hammered and told me he had got the jail for fighting (completely NOT in his nature at all, he has never even been in a fight lol!) anyway I stayed calm and told him to get in a taxi and come home. There was no point in reacting to anyone drunk. He came home told more lies about where he had been, when he got arrested. I was disgusted to think that my husband had been arrested-we don't live like that! Three of the guys with him are police men and close friends they would never be in a situation like that! The story did not add up at all but I kept thinking who in their right mind lies about being arrested. I spent all night worrying about how to tell our parents, I knew they would be shocked, angry and disappointed. I also did not want our friends etc to find out, I was mortified. However this morning when I finally spoke to him about last night I discovered how bloody pathetic the lies really were. My thinking was 1. You are so drunk that if u spent that time in jail u would have sobered up. 2. U would not have been let out (his reason changed here our copper pal got him out, the other guys took the blame) 3. He let slip the name of the club when drunk lol! 4. It is so obvious u r a liar! Turns out he had not went for a meal as the groom changed his mind, they had been in a pub since 5 and from what I gather a club. He was never arrested!! He clearly felt that it was an excuse for being late and not contacting me. The worst thing is he kept up the lies this morning till i pointed out a few contradictions then he owned up. I know he was embarrased and that coz he had told a lie it made it harder than to own up. I mean really what is wrong with me? What did he think I would say or do! I told him yet again that I don't care where he goes pubs, clubs even strippers (as it was a special occasion lol) as long as he keeps himself safe. I would have been upset about ge drunken lies but almost could have laughed off after a serious chat but the fact he continued!!! I haven't kicked off, I have cried, discussed it calmly and told him that these silly lies will ruin our marriage. I know he is sorry, I know he feels like an idiot and I know he really does intend not to do it again. I just don't know how long till the next big one, will I trust him completetly again? Will I feel the same way again? Is this just going to be the pattern for our lives? I am actually so proud of myself for being calm. 2 years ago when he lied I completely hit the roof! The thought of not being with him kills me and this morning when I said to him about it ruining our marriage he cried which I have only seen him do when his gran died. I know he loves me and doesn't intend to hurt me but I wish this hadn't happened. For me some of the safety and security of our marriage is out the window till it gets rebuilt. Surely that takes longer each time. Sorry for the garbled post!
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2013): I have one important question to ask you. What are you going to do one day when he lies about something that could affect your personal welfare and safety. This is about trust, he has broken it how many times? Why does he lie? Not enough attention? Feeling insecure ? Living in a fantasy world and can no longer tell what is real and what isn't? Or does he think your stupid and he can get away with whatever he wants? In my opinion he needs help. And I think he is taking you for a ride. You may wake up one morning and find him out front with his new honey and just laughing at you because you were such a easy push over. Take action now and be done with this crafty husband.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2013): Don't be sorry for the long post, sometimes it's good just to vent . There a saying 'my mum would quote it to us when we were younger ' what a tangled web thee weave, if thee practice to deceive ' and it is very true .. You are quite right, he lied to cover uo why he hadn't called and why he was late home etc.. I think the best policy since he is heart felt sorry is too sit down and calming say, look what happened wasn't right to lie and keep it going you we're just digging a bigger hole for yourself.. But I think in future we have to be clear if your out what do expect so that there is no confusion or lying .. Everyone tells white lies time to time .. I say a white is a lie that doesn't hurt the other person for instance. Your best friends buys some hideous orange shoes that you absolutely hate , do you tell her there ugly as she is very confident wearing them and loves them or do you say there kinda cute on .. I would probably do the latter though I do not tell big porkie pies .. If you can't stand any fibs, then your going to gave to discuss this too and I wouldn't expect him to stop over night . Fibbing like any other habit becomes habitual and he may not even notice that he's doing.. So your going to have to either work towards him controlling it and then stopping it or just ignore it unless the fibbing is more than a white lie.. And good on you for keeping your cool.. Another mothers saying was lose your head and the battle dead haha . So keeping calm you can let him know your unhappy but that you two can work together that is what marriage is all about. Take care and let us know how it goes .
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