A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm an American expat, been living across the border in Canada since 2016 and have a 7-year-old daughter.Recently (via Zoom) my husband was diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder, which explains why he'd been wanting sex with me while he wore a black bikini and insisted his (her??) name was Katie.This probably explains why he'd kept speaking in a high-pitched voice and buying himself designer sports bra/crop tops and leggings and insisting "I'm NOT (my husband's name)."I'm not attracted to women, but when he's Katie, he's far more sexually voracious than as my husband and at first I thought this was some elaborate joke, but as the months went on from late 2018 into mid-2019, I started worrying, over 2020 during the pandemic things got really bad.Now he's insisting he's "Kayla", a woman in her 30s and wants us to have sex even more than usual and involving BDSM (things my husband was never interested or involved in) and also moodier and eating more than usual.No-one in my family has any diagnosed mental health conditions, and to be honest, I don't know much on dissociative identity disorder outside of the media calling it split personality.The diagnosis confirms my husband has six separate personalities:Katya, a 32-year-old Floridian woman who models bikinis and is raunchy in behaviorKatie, a 26-year-old stripperKayla, a 34-year-old BDSM queen and prostituteRachelle, a 23-year-old lapdancerAngela, a 35-year-old alcoholic and speed-eaterRae, a 24-year-old bikini modeland I don't know how to cope with these or which one he'll be on any given day.I feel like wanting to return to the U.S. at times and getting support for my husband; I only have a small handful of friends here, but they probably wouldn't understand.I know I married "for better, for worse, richer for poorer, sickness and in health", but I've really no honest idea on how to deal with dissociative identity disorder.I'm a mom-of-one and I worry this could affect my daughter badly.The pandemic was bad enough, but finding out your husband has five female split personalities... even worse, or weirder?Now he's (she) often becomes Rachelle and is obsessive over bikini selfies and wearing my lingerie.I love my husband but now this is making me question the whole thing.He was a good parent, but I'm now worried the split personality part may take over a lot, since the individual who diagnosed him said that Rachelle, Rae and Katya seem to push my husband out of the picture and that he won't just get over this.Now sorry for a wall of text here, but what sort of professional help do I need? Yes, emphasis on me, since split personality isn't exactly a common condition that you can discuss with people the same way a group of parents who have kids with Down's syndrome can.I've come here since I've nowhere to turn really.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2021): Maybe he's playacting. My bi wife likes to make believe I'm Joanie the cheerleader with big tits, and she's the quarterback. If not, GTFO.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2021): Though I agree with the two previous post . I would not recommend telling your husband as someone who became an RMN due to my own father becoming dissociative persobality telling him is not the answer.
Make an appointment with your gp say to him your daughter been coughing and wish to get it looked at. Make it an early appointment .. then tell your doctor you cant go home .. the reason why and get temporary accommodation for yourself and your child until you can travel home for family support .
This could easily become violate and as my mother did she did not take that chance .
We did forge a relationship with our father after he got help.. so can your daughter . But for now you need to look after yourselves
Please keep in touch.. hugs x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2021): In agreement with Honeypie, I believe your first priority is your child. She will not understand these very provocative and promiscuous personality manifestations exhibited by your husband; and his behavior is becoming increasingly unpredictable. He displays these personalities, I would presume, right in front of the child. That is confusing and frightening even for you as an adult, let alone a kid!
Lets clear something up. You stick to your wedding vows under the most common or "typical" adverse-circumstances. All relationships are tested or challenged under crisis, disagreements, and tragedy. Then there are situations that require drastic-measures for the sake of your safety and survival. Divorce is a last resort; when there are no other options suitable or possible.
When your life, health, or mental-health is compromised or endangered; your wellbeing and the protection of your children get first-priority. To believe you have to stand in front of an oncoming freight train or walk through the blazes of hell to uphold your wedding vows is absurd. The man is undergoing extreme mental-disorder without any perceived cure or prognosis to specify the full extent of his mental-illness. What are you going to do, just sit there and subject your daughter and yourself to one outrageous twisted-personality after another? Raunchy-behavior totally inconsiderate of your emotional responses to it; and your feeling obligated to succumb under pressure. Your own mental-health will only endure this but for only so long, my dear. This kind of trauma will eventually cause you to develop your own anxiety and distress disorder.
First, you should contact your own family to see if there is any place you and your daughter can find sanctuary. He is physically stronger than you, he is not in his usual state of mind, and his condition is getting extremely complicated. You have to remove yourself from the home, and you will have to explain to him it's for your daughter's sake; and because you are unable to deal with what happens when he looses control of his behavior and self-awareness. He may or may not understand; but if he is as good of a father as you say, he will be more concerned about his child's wellbeing and peace of mind. She will certainly miss her father, but you have to make sure she understands that her father is suffering a very serious mental-illness. Help her to understand that he is unable to control it right now; and you need to keep her safe until he gets better.
If you practice a faith and worship; turn to your faith for prayer and counseling through your ministry. I don't recommend disclosing details about your husband's diagnosis, except that he has mental-health issues; and you are seeking prayer and comfort through your faith ministry. Prayer is comforting, God offers healing, deliverance, and protection; in addition to the medical/mental-health therapies offered to your husband for his mental-disorder. You also need professional therapy for your own state of mental-health; because you are under strain and emotional-distress. You have to stay healthy and strong to take care of both your daughter and yourself. You cannot remain in the environment you're in; or you will undergo so much pressure and distress, that it could lead to depression and/or severe mental-exhaustion. He will put you through a living hell. You are not being selfish or insensitive when your partner suffers from a mental-illness that doesn't reasonably and effectively respond to therapy and medication. You are not dealing with that person, but their illness; which disables their cohesive-thought, cognizance, and behavioral processes. He becomes someone else.
You should contact crisis lines that should be available online and by phone. You need a place to vent. Fortunately, you live in Canada; which has a great system of socialized medicine. You can seek online or facetime counseling-therapy covered under your health plan. Why aren't his doctors offering you consultation, recommending (virtual) group therapy, or offering you referrals for help? They are fully aware of the fact he's married and has a family!!! I understand DID is usually treated through talk therapy. I would think his doctors realize his behavior has an impact on his family???
God will get you through this. He will offer you guidance and protection; and you'll figure this all out. Your husband's behavior cannot be controlled at the moment; and you are being subjected to conduct that scares and confuses you. You don't have to submit to sexual-coercion or duress; just because he is your husband. The things he's doing under the illness he suffers, isn't being his normal self. You don't have to submit to any other of his "DID" personalities; other than your husband when he is being more like himself. Those other dark-personalities exhibited by your husband are not your husband. When they surface, he isn't in his healthiest state of mind; and you don't have to be their victim or sex-slave.
Telling someone to leave their home and spouse is easier said than done. It is difficult to leave for financial reasons, the confusion it will bring upon your child, and for all the difficulties beset by the covid-19 restrictions; but there are always extenuating circumstances that force you to take measures that may be disruptive or disorienting at-first. This is a matter of survival and dealing with matters that are of a highly unusual nature. You have to leave him, to save yourself and your child; and entrust his care to his therapists and doctors. It seems selfish, but it isn't; because your first responsibility as a mother is to see to the safety and wellbeing of your innocent child. If he doesn't understand that, too bad! He has plenty of people to keep him company. I don't mean that to be facetious. When mental-illness is not managed and controlled, you have a right to remove yourself from that environment until it is. You are not betraying your vows in doing so.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2021): Now that your husband has developed these extra personalities that determine his behaviour you can feel free to divorce him!
You only vowed to love one man and he is no longer that man.
See a solicitor to get your paperwork started and pack a bag and take your daughter and leave.
Find an organisation that helps women in domestic violence situations.
Because it is a form of violence.
He is not your husband when he puts your bikini on and demands sex.
That is coercive of him.
Because you are frightened of what he will do if you don't comply.
Because he has just handily made himself into someone without accountability for his actions.
This breaks the meaning of your marriage vow.
So get out and stay out!
Take your daughter with you for her own protection.
Daddy is no longer daddy either because of he is a woman he can no longer be her lawful father!
You must get out of This situation.
This makes him dangerous.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2021): Now that your husband has developed these extra personalities that determine his behaviour you can feel free to divorce him!You only vowed to love one man and he is no longer that man.See a solicitor to get your paperwork started and pack a bag and take your daughter and leave.Find an organisation that helps women in domestic violence situations.Because it is a form of violence.He is not your husband when he puts your bikini on and demands sex.That is coercive of him.Because you are frightened of what he will do if you don't comply.Because he has just handily made himself into someone without accountability for his actions.This breaks the meaning of your marriage vow.So get out and stay out!Take your daughter with you for her own protection.Daddy is no longer daddy either because of he is a woman he can no longer be her lawful father!You must get out of This situation.This makes him dangerous.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2021): I grew up with an elder sister who was mentally ill with psychosis and schizophrenia, very violent and anti-social, with my parents never once considering how it might be affecting me. An added complexity was that my mother was very likely autistic, and totally incapable of any warmth and affection and motherly nurturing, and my father was extremely ill and often on methadone most of my teenage years. Although It's different to your situation I would say there are some comparisons in terms of the extremities involved - health care workers and experts absolutely under-estimate the toll that it takes on family members, and children in particular, when a family member has mental illness. I cannot emphasise this strongly enough: please, please please leave this situation for the sake of your child and your own sense of self in the longer term. It is one thing to love someone and another to be able to have a healthy relationship with them. You CANNOT have the latter with this person anymore. Their mental illness is very extreme. I'm 53 years old now and although a high achiever, cannot begin to explain how much my sister's earlier mental illness and not being protected from it has ruined my life and came close to ruining my daughter's life through bad judgements I made as a consequence of being effectively forced, by my mother in particular, to feel that I had to accept my sister's violence and anger as part of my day to day life. It meant I became open to abuse all my life, and learned to tolerate the most awful situations 'behind the scenes' of my work and college life until, a few years back, I became physically ill with the stress of 'hiding' an awful home life, as I'd learned to do from a young age. YOU are not a child, YOU are the adult in this situation and you have a responsibility to protect your child. I did not have the choice to leave, you do. Please, please, please leave this situation as quickly as you can or you will ruin your child's life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2021): I am so sorry but for the sake of your child you must leave him.This will mess up your child big time and take years of therapy.It also would be good for both you and your child to see one now.Best of luck...so srry.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (22 February 2021):
 Sorry, I'd be out of there in a heartbeat right after asking him to seek PROPPER help, and a divorce.
I AM sorry he is having these issue.
But my first priority would be my child. If he has NO control over when he is any of these "other' personalities how can that NOT affect your child?
I don't know where you would start looking for help. I know this would be FAR more than I feel able to handle. And far more than I would put my child in the middle off.
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