A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been married for 11 year and were together for 14 years. Then about two and a half years ago I injured my back at work. It has been rough on our relationship that is for sure. We were making it though we supported each other and got through the rough patches. Then a girlfriend of mine called me up out of blue and said that her boyfriend had kicked her out and she had no where to go. I said well you can stay with us for a little while and get on your feet. She came to our house that day. I never questioned my husband's fidelity, so it should have been an O.K. temporary arrangement. A few weeks had gone by and they both were acting a little strange, not flirty strange, more strange toward me. Then a month went by and my husband started being mean to me and told me that he was leaving. He didn't leave then. Two more weeks went by and my husband told me he slept with her 1 time. I was devastated at him and her. I told him two days later that I forgave him because he told me that it had only happened one time and it would never happen again he was very sorry. I told her that she had to leave that I could not trust her in my house with my husband any more. So she did. The next few weeks were hell, he would bring things up about how he hoped she was doing O.K. at one time he even called me a cold hearted Bitch. Then he told me he had lied to me a few days later and I asked him about what he said I had sex with her four times. Of course I was upset that he could do this to me, but he did and there was nothing I could do to change that. Then 3 days ago he went to stay at his mom's house to think about things. He came back on the third night, I assumed he was coming back to me, he wasn't he was coming back to the house to pick up his stuff and leave me for this woman that he had only known for about two months. He said he has stronger feelings for her. What do I do to get him back?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2009): Right to be happy? You mean his vows mean nothing? It really wasn't a wise choice to bring a single woman into your home to live. Yet, it shows the real character of your husband (and friend?), and do you really want to be married to a man like him? It's hurtful, I know, the pain is fresh now, but you will become stronger, and attract a different kind of (real)man. Sex is sex, and for him to leave only for that reason, then he will regret it, because true love between two people never leaves the heart.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2009): Should he have cheated? No. Should he have lied? No. Does any of this take away his right to be happy, even if it isn't with you? No. It doesn't. Cheating is wrong. But rarely is it random. Almost always there is an underlying reason that causes a person to stop resisting natural urges.Try not to let the dreadful feelings get too much a hold. Forgive him, move on and find happiness elsewhere. He has.Avoid vengeance at all costs, as it never stops or helps you heal. It makes things just that much worse.Flynn24
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A
male
reader, cdjudd +, writes (29 January 2009):
You do NOT want him back. They have intercourse in YOUR house. The fact is, people like this don't change their habits. You have been married to him too long for this behavior to be acceptable. I have heard people argue that affairs CAN help strengthen a relationship. That is total b/s. The fact is it will never remove the question of is he still sleeping around, our of your head. Obviously, you are scarred by this behavior and feel helpless and alone. Just remember that you did nothing wrong, and you can't accept his childish behavior. A real man, does not cheat on his wife of 11 years. You can do better. Don't feel like you have to lower yourself and except him. I wouldn't even consider taking him back until he came to you and showed signs of wanting to do whatever it takes to you have back. Remember its okay to be generous but only with a backbone. Best of luck to you. I know how it feels.
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A
female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (29 January 2009):
 Personally sweetheart I wouldn't do anything he is obviously interested in what she is giving him which is the sex and if that has been something that was missing from your relationship he is getting it on a plate from her. Sorry to be blunt but that is the facts.
He lied to you to keep you sweet and was NEVER truthful with you about how often they had slept together. He was basically hedging his bets. He wanted to see how the land lied with her and that was why he went to mum's house to sort things out, he called you a BITCH (his way of making YOU the guilty party). It was because you had spoilt his fun of having her under your roof and it was all rosey for a while.
Do you have children together?
I would say that even though it hurts right now I would not have him back unless he agreed to go through couple counselling with you and also assured you that he was not going to see her EVER again. I just don't know though that once the trust is gone it is very hard to regain it again without unbiased help. Even if you go to the counselling to resolve some of the issues it may be a good way of finding out your communication levels.
Do you really want a man who has slept with another woman and even left you for HER? He is in my mind USED GOODS now and forgiveness is one thing but can you imagine sleeping with him again and NOT thinking about them together? If you can, great but I think it will niggle at the back of your mind so be prepared for that if things change.
If he comes crawling back to you as he may tire of her, you need to be sure he is NOT going to do it again, even with someone else as you don't really want to put yourself through that pain and anguish again.
What I learned about affairs though is that it isn't just one person's fault but sometimes the communication is just not there, well to some degree it may be but it can be the wrong sort of communication i.e. not talking about the truly important things that matter OR not knowing how to actually listen to your partner and take in what they are saying. Instead a lot of us talk over the other person and we basically REACT first and think afterwards, it is very common with couples but the key is to learn how to actually give them some complete silence when they are talking and actually LISTENING INTENTLY to what they are saying. You can learn this technique in counselling and it is about 5 or 10 minutes each to get everything off your chest without interruptions from the other person. It can be hard to do and I should know but what I would say is that it does help.
When you go through counselling you do actually find out a lot of things that maybe were NEVER discussed and sometimes these can be very painful words but it is better to get things out in the open rather than going through the old blaming routine.
If you have children, consider going down this route and let your husband know that it is only fair that both mum and dad get on for their sake even if your own relationship is unsalvable.
The other thing I would say is start to value yourself, it wasn't because you changed overnight and you were no longer you, it was because of an incident that meant you could not be as active as you once were and instead of possibly talking to you about it he went down the route of not resisting temptation when it was laid on a plate I guess.
You are wonderful and it is time you started to believe that - no matter what he says, if you do have children just keep conversations about them and his access for visitation etc and his financial responsibilities. Get yourself some legal advice as well as you need to know where you stand if he does get nasty and this could happen because he has her in his ear now.
You will come out of this honest, you will also feel stronger to, get a little angry inside and believe me you will cope, we all do. 'What doesn't break us, makes us stronger', words that were once said to me and there has never been truer words spoken.
Keep us posted OK, I realise it is a very difficult time for you but keep smiling and stay strong and positive and get yourself a plan of action OK. Don't sit and feel sorry for yourself, you need to act and act NOW ok.
Sorry for the insistent words but you cannot let this take you over you have to pick yourself up and who know's he may have done you a favour as you could find true happiness elsewhere in time.
BFN
Country Woman
x
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (29 January 2009):
 First, I want to apologize for the way I explain. Not meaning direct offense to you:
I just recently got a new car. I have to admit, I enjoy the car more than the one I had, but as time goes, that new feeling will wear off as well.
Looking at this relationship. 2 months, jumped right in bed together, I hope you two got married for more than just a sexual reason. Can he say for sure these feelings extend past someone new to jump into bed with?
You say you forgave him when you thought it was only once, but then he says it was 4 times. Now he's left. How much was he part of the marriage before all this took place. I know you said there was no reason to question his fidelity, but were there any signs that he may have been somewhat disconnected or not completely into your marriage?
Why would you want him back? Someone who isn't committed to your marriage. Who's quick to jump in bed when you're helping someone you trusted.
Being a man myself, If I were with someone in a committed relationship, I wouldn't stick anything where it doesn't belong. No matter what temptation I was confronted with. This is because "cheating" is not who I am. I do not recognize it as being okay to be part of, so I'd refuse to take part.
I know you're hurt right now. Don't let your feelings interrupt what you deserve from a relationship. I don't believe being with someone who is going to play games is what you deserve. And I hope you don't accept less than the best for yourself.
Take care.
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