A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I’ve made the decision to go away to Barbados with my husband for Christmas this year and it’s gone down like a lead balloon with my family. But the truth is every year something always kicks off in my family which spoils the whole holiday and I really can’t be bothered with it this year. Would any of you feel the same?To be honest me and my husband had been talking about it for a while and made the decision last week to go away for 2 weeks over Christmas. Whilst his family are all fine about it and simply told us to enjoy ourselves, when I told my family over the weekend they were all fuming. Apparently I’m abandoning them all and being selfish and don’t care blah blah blah. To them Christmas is the most important time of the year for our family and everyone has to make an effort. But I just can’t do it this year. I’ve said we’ll drop off our presents for everyone but then that’s it; we’re off on 20th December. None of them seemed to realise just how bad the atmosphere has gotten at Christmas recently. It’s meant to be a wonderful time but everyone just winds up miserable and falling out!They’ve also gone in really hard on my husband as well and I don’t know why. They all reckon he’s made the decision for us and that I’ve just given in to him. One of my sisters even says he’s controlling and manipulative. It’s laughable. This was most definitely a joint decision. In fact I probably wanted it more than him. He just gets the winter blues and wanted to experience a Christmas in warmer, brighter climates rather than the dark and gloomy UK, whereas I just wanted a drama free Christmas without any arguments or toxicity. I’ve had 40 normal Christmas’ any way so it’d actually be nice to experience something different. But they’re not having it at all.Apparently I’ve changed ever since I met my husband 3 years ago. And they’re right, I have changed; I’m a lot happier and content. Admittedly it was a bit of a whirlwind romance at first; we were engaged after 6 months and married 4 months later. We also bought a house together not long after but I honestly have no regrets over anything so far. We both just want the same things in life. We don’t have kids nor do we want them. We just want to work hard, play hard and enjoy life without anything tying us down or stopping us. He is most definitely the one for me in that sense. But according to my family we’re doomed to fail. They honestly don’t have a clue. The problem is everyone in my family is just too opinionated for their own good. Imagine having a family of Piers Morgans, that’s honestly what it’s like! No matter what the situation, no matter who’s involved and who isn’t and more to the point whose actual business it is, EVERYONE has to have their 2 cents as it were. My 3 sisters are absolutely awful for it, as are a few of their kids. Add to that our Mum’s new partner of nearly 2 years, who also has a lot to say about everything and you’ve got a recipe for disaster. I never get involved though, nor does my husband.For the past 4 Christmas’, something has always kicked off in my family. In 2017 our Mum and Dad chose Christmas of all the times of year to announce they were splitting up after 31 years of marriage and since then I’d say it’s completely tainted the holiday season. My sisters just act so bitter and miserable and take it out on everyone else. It rubs off on all their kids as well, especially the older ones who are in their late teens and early twenties. Something always happens or there’s a disagreement or someone’s said something about someone else. It’s just constant drama, drama, drama. Last year it literally kicked off as we were eating Christmas dinner. Keep in mind everyone made a point of insisting we broke Coronavirus rules in order to all be together. I won’t go into too much detail but an argument led to my Mum’s partner standing up and shouting and wagging his finger at one of my sisters before she threw her plate on the floor and stormed off in a rage, leaving 2 of the younger kids in tears and the rest of the day pretty much ruined and the remainder of the Christmas break filled with toxic bitching and no one wanting to see each other for weeks afterwards. Can anyone tell me what the appeal is? I’d absolutely love to know.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (18 November 2021):
 I happen to like Piers Morgan.
As for your issue, I can relate. Most of our Christmas holidays have been monopolized by 2 people, one of them being my mother, who makes the same declarations about what Christmas is really about and how she's doing it 'for the kids' or whomever she thinks has had a rough time and needs it most.
I suspect each of your family members feels the same way as you do, but they resent you having courage to make this decision when they haven't the courage to do likewise.
If I won't have it, you shouldn't either, kind of thinking.
I'm not judging them for it. I've felt similarly in the past until I started being more honest with myself.
My advice is to stand your ground, limit contact with your family before it, if you can. Not an icy distance, but be calm and confident and when you sense trouble brewing make yourself scare.
SHOW your family that everything will be fine by doing it with grace. Have a great time, and relax.
Go on holiday! Enjoy.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2021): People get used to a routine and bad habits. Smoking and then coughing, drinking and having a headache after, spending and worrying about being in debt, visiting people they do not like or respect.. all very similar. Then there is the fact they have nothing to take it's place. They would be worse off just sitting at home all alone feeling unloved and unwanted otherwise. They don't have exciting better options.
I know a very rich couple who regularly go camping, they sit in a tatty, dirty, cold, draughty tent all night freezing even though they have the money to go to a top hotel. Why? Because it is a habit. They never bothered to think about how they can afford a lot better now!
You don't need to think about what they do with their Christmas - that is their problem. But you do need to work out what is the best way for you to spend that time.
People don't like to be reminded that they are boring company, when you tell them you are off on a holiday it reminds them of all the times Christmas went wrong and they contributed to it. They want to believe that you love being with them - no matter how horrible or boring they are.
There is no point to you going on this holiday if you do not get value for money and enjoy it. There is no point to you feeling guilty as if you are some undisciplined, badly behaved five year old. You are a grown adult who can do what you want so long as it is legal.
Don't let them treat you like a child. In many ways you speak as if you are a child. You over react to what they say and what they want the way a child would. You talk about them sending you nasty texts as if you have to read them and you don't you choose to read them. You then choose to over react and get angry and upset over them. Surely a sensible person would say to themselves I know this text is going to be nasty so I won't read it. You are giving them so much control and power over you, just like a child does.
I bet your husband gets sick of this too.
I bet you moan and groan a lot about it, instead of making wise decisions on how to handle it or change it.
Like a grown up.
Your husband will think that you are as much of this problem as the rest of your family then and wonder why he is bothering!
Stop being so vocal about it. Stop reacting so much.
Be more decisive about your life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2021): Well, it's family-drama either way. If you yield to the pressure and pouting; you and your husband will feel angry and resentful. How much drama and weirdness comes-out at family-gatherings on holidays? I rest my case!
You are a grown-@$$ woman, and for once you and your spouse decide to do something different for one holiday. Here you are all dripping with guilt and scared of being shunned and bashed by your family members. Whatever!
You've already gone through the expense and planning. You'll get some backlash. If you read DC regularly, people do much worse to their family-members. Missing one Christmas gathering for another holiday on a tropical beach is not an unforgivable sin.
Hears the thing. Travel during the holidays is atrocious. Travel by plane with people these days is punishment. You will both go through hell. Look at it this way. It's hell either way; but at least you'll sip tropical drinks, feel balmy breezes, wiggle soft sand between your toes, and get a tan; or a little browner, if you're medium-toned like me!
Go, have some fun, and tell 'em I sent ya! I hope you have a safe trip, and enjoy yourselves!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2021): Absolutely nothing wrong with going away for xmas. If that's what you prefer to do, then go ahead and do it. Remember as well that family xmases are limited in number, your family members wont all be around forever. But if you would prefer to have a holiday then go for it. Its tour decision, your life. Enjoy!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2021): Oh my lord do not feel an ounce of guilt about going away! No matter what any of your family say. I would absolutely jump at the chance to go somewhere gloriously hot and sunny during the misery of the British winter time so I envy you OP.
My family is scarily similar to yours; everyone has to have an opinion about something and I can definitely identify with tensions always seeming to boil over so easily. We can all be fine and dandy for the whole year but then something kicks off and it ALWAYS seems to happen at Christmas. I don't get what it is. But it's not fun at all.
So do what you said, see the family/drop off presents beforehand then get on that plane and don't you dare feel bad about it! Enjoy it OP.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (26 October 2021):
 You can't control any of the members of your family or what they do/say, but you sure as hell can control how you react to them and how much/little notice you take of them.
Stop taking their behaviour to heart. I know this is probably easier said than done as you have put up with them for 40 years but starting from right here right now, promise yourself you will live your life the way you want to and leave them to do as they please. This doesn't mean you have to cut them out of your life, just stop allowing them so much head space.
Smile, be pleasant, but stick to your guns.
Have a lovely Christmas.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (26 October 2021):
 Hey, DO you. Enjoy Barbados!
They sound jealous. It's not about "family Christmas" for them, it's about routine and doing what they always do. You and your husband said, yeah, nah we are going to do Christmas OUR way this year.
While I personally Enjoy Piers Morgan (sorry) I get what you mean by saying a whole family who wants to debate and argue. It's NOT fun. Not even for them. Because all they want is to "win" arguments. While no one really wins.
If they keep calling and texting with "hate" then BLOCK them until you get home.
ENJOY your vacation. I think you and your husband are fully grown adults who can CHOOSE how they want to celebrate the holidays. Make a deal with your husband to just ENJOY every day there.
Stop feeling bad.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2021): So much for avoiding dramas and arguments. If you stay here you get them and if you go away that is the cause.
Of course they want to believe this is your husband and
it is his fault, far better than facing that they are not much fun to be with or you have a mind of your own.
Go and have a lovely time and good on you for making the wise decision to put yourself first.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2021): Go on vacation....forget the drama.Another suggestion..turn off your phones when you are there and go no contact with anyone when you are there then just sit back and enjoy your holiday.Have fun!!!
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