A
female
age
30-35,
*oungButNotNaive
writes:I have a few questions about friendship, and where you draw the line. My situation:A couple of years ago, I started a new job where I met a lot of new people. However, only one person seemed interested in talking to me. At first, I thought he was just outgoing, and I assumed he talked to people at work frequently. As time went on, I discovered this wasn't the case. He talked to me about his wife A LOT, and not in a positive way. In fact, he painted quite the ugly picture of her. Not in her looks, but her personality. At first, I told him I didn't think this was appropriate conversation for work, that it was fine if he wanted to talk to me, but I didn't want to get involved with his marriage or personal life. I told him anytime in the past I tried to get involved in helping someone else fix their relationships, it blew up in my face. I wound up being called the "bitch who stuck her nose where it didn't belong" (using their words). I obviously didn't want this to happen again. He said it wouldn't, because he ASKED for my help. I told him the others had asked too, but when things didn't turn out the way they wanted, they blamed me. Later, I felt bad for going off on him about what had happened to me in the past. I felt I had taken too harsh of a tone with him. I found him at the end of that work day, and apologized for that, but also still didn't want to get too involved, so I told him I'm not good at giving relationship advise. I said I would listen if he wanted someone to talk to, but not at work. We exchanged cell phone numbers at that point. Not too long after, he asked me if I was happy in my marriage. I said yes because I am. He then told me about all the times his wife had been unfaithful to him, and also that they hadn't been intimate in years. He said he'd never been unfaithful before, but was looking for someone now because of the lack of intimacy. I said you're wasting your time if you're looking at me, because I don't believe in cheating for any reason. If you're unhappy, leave. That's what I believe in. He said he didn't see it as cheating, because he felt his wife would benefit from it. If he was getting what he needed elsewhere, he wouldn't bother her when she didn't want it anyway. He also said he was staying with her for their children, which I feel is an old and tired excuse. I feel he would actually be doing his kids a favor if he didn't expose them to all that dysfunction he claimed was going on. Anyway, I told him my beliefs on the matter wouldn't change. I also got the feeling he wasn't being entirely truthful, although I didn't tell him this. After all, I had never met his wife, and knew nothing about her. For all I knew, he was either making stuff up, or exaggerating his situation to make me feel sorry for him so I would give him what he wanted. Part of the reason I felt this might be the case is because I'm 15 years younger than him. I found it a bit odd he would go for someone so much younger, if all he truly wanted was just someone to replace what his wife wouldn't give him. There were plenty of attractive women his age where we worked, and single ones too. I also thought maybe he tried with them in the past, and they already rejected him. Either way, I wasn't interested. Here's the problem, though. I don't have a lot of friends. The ones I did have I've lost touch with. Either because we grew apart, distance, and some of them were my ex's friends as well. So in order to be sure I'd never see him again, I felt I had to cut contact with them too. Basically, I feel I'm in no position to cut anyone else off. He and I have stayed in touch through phone the last few years, even after we both got different jobs. We basically just updated each other with how our jobs were going, any vacations we'd been on, and other random topics. We met up once last fall, and talked in person (at a public place). However, I can't help but feel he still has it in his head we're going to wind up in a FWB situation, judging by some things he has said even recently. I have moved far away, but he still tells me he wants to stay in contact, and even meet up whenever I come back to visit family. So do I stay in contact? Obviously if I had a lot of friends, this would be a no brainer. I would have cut contact long ago, because I know what his intentions are, and I don't want the same thing. However, I don't want to rely on my husband as my only source of companionship, which I'll be doing to a certain extent anyway, due to moving and not knowing anyone around here yet. My other question is, am I doing HIM more harm than good by staying in contact? Sure, it's probably nice for him to have someone to talk to, but if he takes my staying in touch as interest, then in a way you could say I'm leading him on. Even though I've told him anything more than friendship is out. My gut tells me I should just leave him alone, and wait it out until I make new friends here, but I'd also like the opinions of others. What would YOU do?
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female
reader, YoungButNotNaive +, writes (14 May 2014):
YoungButNotNaive is verified as being by the original poster of the question I deleted his number. If he contacts me again, I won't respond. I let loneliness get the better of me, but I just have to stay positive from now on when it comes to making friends. I also thought if someone asked me what to do in this situation, I would advise them to cut contact so I should do the same.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (14 May 2014):
 NO I would ignore him. he's bad news. It needs to be all about what's good for you and your marriage and this guy is not either of those...
does not matter what's good for him. Your concern needs to be your hearth and home... and he does not belong as a part of it.
just ignore him.
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A
female
reader, YoungButNotNaive +, writes (14 May 2014):
YoungButNotNaive is verified as being by the original poster of the question"you should have read through his trite spiel about " my wife does not understand me "I did read through it. I even said I suspected he wasn't being truthful, or that he was exaggerating his situation to try to get what he wants. I was basically just asking if I should talk to him to kill time until I meet new people. Trust me, as soon as I have new friends, I'll have no interest in continuing contact because I'm aware he doesn't care about being my friend. Yes, my husband knows. I explained it to him, and he was okay with me talking to him because he knew I was never going to fall for any of his "tricks". He also knows I haven't had luck staying in contact with the friends I had before. Thanks for taking the time to read my post. (I know it was long, sorry), and thanks for your advise. I'll just cut contact now, and wait it out until I make new friends.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 May 2014):
 This IS a nobrainer- make new friends. As a matter of fact, you just needs acquaintances to spend some time / shoot the breeze with , for not counting on your husband as your sole companion, which makes sense , but you do have your husband for the " serious " friendship stuff if you should need it ( emotional support in difficult times , etc. ). So you do not even need them to be special friends, just some nice, normal people to occasionally kill time with. Volunteer. Invite your neighbours over for coffe. Join a class, a gym, a club of something, a church. You can have online friends on some non-dating sites. You could even reconnect with your old friends, in these Facebook times it happens all the time. You'll come up with something, don't worry.
This guy... how can you be friends, or want to be friends, with someone who just hopes to f..k you and is mainly, or only, interested in you as a younger sexual being ? You say you are young but not naive, so you should have read through his trite spiel about " my wife does not understand me ". I am not saying that you are not a nice person to talk to, but, trust me, it's not your convo he's after, or your good advice about his marital life. Nor the fact that you are 15 years younger than him is so irrelevant to his " friendship " with you.
Don't worry about having strung him along, yes he may have got the feeling that you are not totally unreceptive to his attentions and that if he insists he'll wear your resistence down and he'll get a little something-something. He MIGHT have got this impression, because you have been polite in fending him off ( too polite maybe ). But, that's his problem , do you really care ? if he gets disappointed because eventually he does not get to get into your pants ?! Really ? ... OH and btw, how does your husband feel about you having a " friend " who already hit on you several times and suggested you'd have a fling ? Is he OK with that ?... Does he know ?
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