A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been in a long distance relation for a few years now. We are both looking into avenues that will finally put us in the same city. No luck so far. Anyway, my question is about a re-occuring issue we've had. Let me start by saying that my girlfriend has a number of plutonic guy friends and I have no problem with her hanging out with them sometimes. I trust her. However, there is one guy that i just do not like. He is her neighboor and in the past he's done things to make the hair on the back of my neck stand up. Last summer after he broke up with his girlfriend he started calling my girlfriend a lot and going over to her house to hang out. He would show up without warning and my girlfriend started to get bothered so she asked him to call first. Then one night i didnt hear from my gf. The next morning she called to recap her night, which included going to a bar with him and some other friends and then to his house to sit in his hot tub until 2 am. I appreciated her telling me, but i was bothered by that. I told her that i didnt think it was appropriate, and she (softly) agreed. Over the last year he's texted her a lot. He even asked her to go to the movies with him. She asked me if i would be bothered by that. I said yes. I really dont want to sound like (or be) a controlling jealous boyfriend, but i feel there has to limits. "Dating" a neighboor who i feel is a very shading character really bothers me. I asked her how she would feel if the shoe was on the other foot - if i had a neighboor friend who wanted to go to the movies, swimming and hottubing with me at her house? In my eyes its a no-brainer - its just not appropriate. So yesterday she called me to tell me about her day and she said that she really wanted to go swimming, so she went over to her neighboors house to swim with him. It is still bothering me. I dont think anything is really going on, but at the same time i dont feel it is right. I wouldnt do it and im bothered that she has to ask me if it bothers me - considering we've had conversations about this specific guy in the past. He is not the type to respect people's boundaries or situations (and my girlfriend has agreed to this) and i feel im being disrespected. Again, i totally dont mind most of her guy friends hanging out once in a while. I dont even like hearing her talking about him anymore. It bothers me to hear about him. Still, i dont want to come accross as a controlling boyfriend, and im not sure if im being unreasonable. I just dont see how anyone would find this acceptable in any relationship. I think this is compounded by the fact that this is a long distance relationship.Id love hear some advice. Am i being unreasonable? What should i do?
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male
reader, SweetStu  +, writes (30 July 2009):
 I think you are right in your belief that there are limits to what a partner in a relationship may do, but to a degree it should be mutual.
Although it bothered and continues to bother you that she sees no issue with going swimming with a male friend could just show she's certain that she's with a man she wants already (yourself) and is just combining catching up with a friend with something she wished to do (swimming).
It would appear you both have different opinions on the 'boundaries' thing. I for one wouldn't go to a wedding as a guest of a female friend as I don't think it's appropriate - the same principle as yours.
Could just be you've got differing views and you need to agree to disagree. So long as you trust her there is always going to be people she likes that you do not, and vise-versa. She makes her own decisions, and nobody will stop that - if you try and stop her by offering your opinion on this man then you could push her away.
I would try talking to her and just explaining about how you feel about the situation, and why it bothers you. As you trust her you need to make that clear and maybe you are slightly insecure and feel threatened by the man due to his nature. Listen to what she says and I'm sure she'll reassure you. What you then need to do is remind yourself of her reassurance should you feel uncomfortable about it all again.
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