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My girlfriend's casual sexual encounters are bothering me

Tagged as: Dating, Sex, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (16 April 2017) 6 Answers - (Newest, 19 April 2017)
A male United Kingdom age 22-25, anonymous writes:

My gfs sexual past has been bothering me more and more recently. When we first started going out she was my first, I have no sexual experience with any other women whatsoever. So when I found out she'd slept with 8 other men, including one night stands, fwb and anther bf I wasn't sure how to process it. I dont know what it means to have meaningless sex with random people as all I know is her. At first it didn't bother me as things were moving quickly and I was experiencing stuff I've never experienced before. But unfortunately I started to question into her past as I was finding myself increasingly jealous and unsure what to think about it. I learnt in great detail about all her previous sexual encounters. Knowing all this has hurt me a lot . I can't help but picture her with these other men, I know acts in great depth and how her and her friend would just have casual sex. Strangely it's the casual sex that bothers me most, I couldn't care less about her previous long term relationship. But knowing she slept with all those other guys that mean nothing to her makes me feel like they've experienced the most intimate part of my gf aswell. Making me feel less kinda special, like I'm just another one of many and sex isn't that meaningful to her. I can't help but feel jealous and bitter. I haven't talked to her about this, were both 20.

View related questions: her past, jealous, one night stand, sexual past

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A male reader, carbone United States +, writes (19 April 2017):

Relax. I was married to a gal (my first) who worked her way through UN Reno as a legal prostitute.

I personally found this very hot & of course she knew how to please well. Never regretted marring her. We had 15 great years but she was killed by a drunk driver at 39.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2017):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks guys. I agree and in no way feel like she is in the wrong or look down on her for what she did before we were going out.

Half the reason i haven't spoken to her about this yet is i don't want to make her feel bad about this because of my insecurity. And don't want to know any more about her sexual past. My issue seems very much to be caused by the fact that i remain very naive to what casual sex means, i simply cant understand her sleeping with so many guys yet still finding our sex special. I often wish before we met that i had slept around or at least experienced another woman so i know what casual sex means and can get some perspective on the situation.

Also it'd make me feel less innocent in our relationship, which i really dislike. I feel like i would be a lot less jealous of these other men for getting pleasure from her and exploring her with no strings attached if i knew what it means to do that with someone. Also if i had a sexual past it would mean i wouldn't get as jealous as its something we've both done and have got over with.

That saying i do not want to sleep with anyone other than my gf and would never cheat on someone, just wish that other things had worked out or happened in the past,i somehow think it'd make me feel different now. To make matters worse were going to be sleeping in the same house as her ex FWB for a couple nights very soon when we visit a friend overseas, she stopped sleeping with him only when she started dating me.

I'm not sure how ill feel spending time with the guy who only until recently my girlfriend was having no strings attached wild sex with(i know in detail), i feel like ill be very jealous he got to experience all hat with my gf, even if it was before we were going out. Obviously i will act friendly and polite, yet i feel the experience may just make my jealousy worse or make me more bitter.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2017):

There is nothing strange or sick about your feelings. They are just not popular in modern western culture so they are treated as strange or sick.

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A male reader, no nonsense Aidan United Kingdom + , writes (16 April 2017):

IT’s a shame you didn’t find out more about her before getting serious, which I think is something you need to take away from this. I would say that you need to understand that people view sex in different ways. For some, separating sex from emotion is absolutely impossible and perhaps that describes you. This might be based on a moral conviction. Also, whether there is a moral element or not, They often regard sex as an expression of a deep and intimate connection with another person and not something to be entered lightly or casually. They also feel a degree of vulnerability and that they need to trust someone before taking their clothes off and getting intimate. But this doesn’t describe everyone. Some people can enjoy sex casually too. They don’t feel the same inhibitions and/or moral obligation to keep sex for lasting, loving relationships. That doesn’t mean that they don’t find the idea of sex with a loving partner preferable, or that they don’t see a difference. It’s just that they don’t view sex as so important that they can’t have a bit of fun whilst single and free to do so. You say that you feel that other men have experienced the most intimate part of your girlfriend, except that she wasn’t your girlfriend then. You’ve every right to expect her to be faithful and give herself only to you when together, but you can’t ask her to rewrite history. And I would encourage you to think about whether there are other ways that she is trying to make you feel special: is she supportive of your goals? Does she make you laugh? Is she there to chat? Does she pay you compliments? Indeed, forgetting whatever has gone before, is she attentive to your needs sexually now?

I think that you need to be honest with your girlfriend that you’re struggling with her past. I’ve seen this happen time and time again: the man (it’s usually men) wants to know all the details, then doesn’t like what he hears. The trouble with this is that it locks you in to a pattern of thinking that assumes she is somehow yours and that all that counts is how you view sex and when it should and shouldn’t happen. I think you at least need her to explain it to you. I think it would help you to understand why she did it, and how she feels about it now. She may regret it. She may simply have decided that a loving and committed relationship is what she wants now and is prepared to put casual sex in the past as a commitment to you and the relationship you have. Whatever the case, if you both can see it from each other’s point of view, you might at least be able to talk it through together. If you bottle this up, resentment will creep in and she’ll know something’s amiss anyway. You can’t condemn her, because she hasn’t done anything wrong other than cross a moral boundary of yours. But you also can’t live in hope that this will go away. If this relationship is one you want to save, you have to give yourself a fighting chance.

I wish you all the very best.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (16 April 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntShe was free and single at the time she had these encounters. It was not like she was cheating on you. It was her body to share with who she pleased.

On the plus side, she has hopefully got these wild encounters out of her system and appreciates what she has with you. Work on making your relationship strong and satisfying and concentrating on what you two have together, rather than silly meaningless flings she had in the past. And stop finding out more information about her past, as that will only add fuel to your insecurity and jealousy.

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A female reader, matimoo Canada +, writes (16 April 2017):

The most important thing, at this point, would be to be open and honest with her. Tell her how you feel, but make sure she knows that you still care about her. Unless you don't, in which case you should leave. Anyway, tell her what you're thinking, whilst keeping in mind that she cannot change her past but she can fix her future.

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